I’m just so so sad, I can’t move

[Sadagain1547]

I’m so sad tonight. I’m 35 as of last week. I feel so old. I have been dating someone the last six months and I really fell hard for him. But I can tell, just like every other relationship I’ve invested in, that he doesn’t really care. I’m getting these overwhelming feelings again that he’s not particularly arsed. It’s awful.

We had a nice time over the weekend. At least I thought we did. He usually texts when I drive home and says what a good time he had. I heard nothing from him all day after I left at 7. I text him a photo mid afternoon and he replied tonight asking how my day was, said he was going out for a walk. He’s not desperate to chat with me is he. Just like everyone else, he’s indifferent.

I find it easy to attract men. No issues on dates. Yet here I am again, having given my all and it’s going pear shaped like all the others. I hate it. I almost wish we hadn’t met I can’t handle another broken relationship.

He wants to come to yours and offered to fix your shed padlock. These are nice normal partner things to do. It sounds like things are fine from his end and that you’re creating mini dramas driven by anxiety. If anything is going to put him off you, that will. So basically there’s nothing wrong with you except your fear that there’s something wrong with you, which is hard work to be around. I know it’s so much easier to say than to do, but try to relax. Maybe you could trick yourself into relaxing by pretending in your head that this is the second month of the relationship, and behave as if it was?

@GreyGoose1980

Op it sounds a bit like you may panic once the initial intensity of meeting / dating and wondering where you are with each other has passed. Could you be reading this change of phase as him being less interested in you? If you then become more needy it may then genuinely start to put him off. Haven’t read the full thread but if it was only recently he offered to come over and fix your shed I’d see that as evidence he considers you in a relationship. You also mention you put him off from coming over to yours, he may wonder why too and think you don’t want him as part of your day to day life.

@GreyGoose1980 yes that’s exactly it, I feel like he’s maybe getting bored, losing interest or something. I have no faith at all that he will contact me today and it feels shit. At the start I would usually be reasonably sure I would hear from him and knew he liked me. This always happens. I seem to only feel calm and secure when there’s a big gesture or sudden burst of romance. When that subsides I see it as indifference or the relationship essentially being over.

Sounds really corny but maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet? I went through years and years of being used and similar to you people just losing interest after a few months or so to the point where when I met my current partner of 8 years I actively tried to push him away to protect myself at the beginning of our relationship as I was scared of getting hurt again. He didn’t allow me to do this though and completely understands me/my anxieties. In time when you meet someone who loves you you will start to feel a lot more secure and won’t feel like they are losing interest if they don’t text you every day etc. See how things go with this guy but if it doesn’t work out he’s just maybe not the right one for you, just put it down to experience. I know this easier said than done though.

@reader12

He wants to come to yours and offered to fix your shed padlock. These are nice normal partner things to do. It sounds like things are fine from his end and that you’re creating mini dramas driven by anxiety. If anything is going to put him off you, that will. So basically there’s nothing wrong with you except your fear that there’s something wrong with you, which is hard work to be around. I know it’s so much easier to say than to do, but try to relax. Maybe you could trick yourself into relaxing by pretending in your head that this is the second month of the relationship, and behave as if it was?

@reader12 that’s a good idea, when it’s the start of a relationship I am so so so chilled. People like chatting to me, enjoy going out, I’m not needy or clingy.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I obviously have anxiety but this pattern... where does it come from? Why? I wish I could be the version of me when I first meet someone.

This is the exact sort of thing you need to unpick with a therapist.

I’ve had lots of therapy @YarnOver I’m just so sick of getting to this point with people and it falling apart

Maybe it’s a deep rooted fear of abandonment, how did your family of origin treat you growing up? Were both parents present loving and attentive?

@Sadagain1547

I’ve had lots of therapy *@YarnOver* I’m just so sick of getting to this point with people and it falling apart

But have you discussed this... Because you don't seem sure why it's happening but you know it is.

Do what you always do get what you always get... an old saying but perfect in it's simplicity.

You don't struggle for dates because you put on your best show to 'hook' someone. Then you worry that the real you won't keep them engaged. Six months in you feel a little (natural) easing of intensity and relaxing into the relationship and you assume it's because they're going off the real you. But here's the thing. The dating you? That's the real you too. You just don't know who relationship you is so you panic.

It's the most simplistic advice but you HAVE to change this pattern. You're not six month girl unless you decide that you are and consciously and subconsciously make micro movements towards the outcome you're expecting.

So change your expectations. Appreciate the nice man and burgeoning relationship you have. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither is intimacy - it takes time to grow a bond. Let it happen organically and try to relax.

@TheSecondAct I don’t know really, both parents were present, I always felt lesser than my sibling, constantly felt insecure and like I had to prove myself to my parents (usually did this academically and would cling to these achievements to show my worth to them). I was left alone a lot when they went away with my sibling without me. This was because they took her on trips that she was interested in and supported her musical talent, I wasn’t interested in going. These things are normal growing up things though aren’t they... I wasn’t left with no food or shouted at etc.

Is it falling apart because you become intense and needy and start questioning them? This bloke really hasn't done anything, don't condemn him

[quote Sadagain1547]@TheSecondAct I don’t know really, both parents were present, I always felt lesser than my sibling, constantly felt insecure and like I had to prove myself to my parents (usually did this academically and would cling to these achievements to show my worth to them). I was left alone a lot when they went away with my sibling without me. This was because they took her on trips that she was interested in and supported her musical talent, I wasn’t interested in going. These things are normal growing up things though aren’t they... I wasn’t left with no food or shouted at etc.[/quote]
Honestly I'm not sure those are normal growing up things no, I'm sorry OP.

@Gilda152

Do what you always do get what you always get... an old saying but perfect in it's simplicity.

You don't struggle for dates because you put on your best show to 'hook' someone. Then you worry that the real you won't keep them engaged. Six months in you feel a little (natural) easing of intensity and relaxing into the relationship and you assume it's because they're going off the real you. But here's the thing. The dating you? That's the real you too. You just don't know who relationship you is so you panic.

It's the most simplistic advice but you HAVE to change this pattern. You're not six month girl unless you decide that you are and consciously and subconsciously make micro movements towards the outcome you're expecting.

So change your expectations. Appreciate the nice man and burgeoning relationship you have. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither is intimacy - it takes time to grow a bond. Let it happen organically and try to relax.

@Gilda152 that makes perfect sense but how do I do it? When you say don’t do what I’ve always done...I don’t really know how to have a relationship after 6 months. I’ve had a couple longer than this but I felt secure as we moved in very fast. This is new territory for me...to be in a relationship but not livi by together after six months. I don’t know how to be. I love him and want it to work so I try too much I think.

counselling isn't just to unpick trauma, it's to unpick our patterns and relationships with those in our lives. You sound similar to how I was, and it is exhausting being that way. Like you, I'd assume someone was losing interest and blow it somehow... get some more help for this.

@wildeverose

Is it falling apart because you become intense and needy and start questioning them? This bloke really hasn't done anything, don't condemn him

@wildeverose the main thing I can identify is that as time goes on, I create more and more drama, as if to ‘check’ hes still bothered. I will do this by searching for issues...are we spending enough time together, is he contacting me enough, has he told all his friends about me, why aren’t we planing a holiday...I will look for anything to pick at...not because I want these things sorted out (I don’t even really believe they need to be sorted out) but because it creates an opportunity to see how bothered he is. Another classic thing I do is say ‘shall we just end this’ at the slightest thing. I’ve only just started doing that with him this last week. Usually it starts way before this time. I hate that I do it. It’s like if he isn’t constantly telling me he loves me and misses me, then I have to create a drama to check. Conversely, if he does say he misses me etc my anxiety disappears and I’m my normal self again for a short time.

I mean this gently - but doing things to purposely create issues and testing him by asking if you should end it, is really manipulative behaviour. You really do need therapy op. I would suggest that at this time you aren't ready for a relationship.

Instead of the created situations to check his feelings... have you thought about telling him you need reassurance sometimes and would it be alright to tell him when you do... you can ask him for what you need, whether that’s hugs and I love you or making a cup of tea or whatever... any reasonable person would happily choose that over dealing with the stress of dramas.

@wildeverose

I mean this gently - but doing things to purposely create issues and testing him by asking if you should end it, is really manipulative behaviour. You really do need therapy op. I would suggest that at this time you aren't ready for a relationship.

@wildeverose I don’t intend to be manipulative. It’s just like I need constant reassurance from him. I’ve always done this in every relationship I’ve ever had.

In the sense that your partner would happily choose to give you what you need rather than see either of you upset.

@TheSecondAct

Instead of the created situations to check his feelings... have you thought about telling him you need reassurance sometimes and would it be alright to tell him when you do... you can ask him for what you need, whether that’s hugs and I love you or making a cup of tea or whatever... any reasonable person would happily choose that over dealing with the stress of dramas.

@TheSecondAct what could I say though? Wouldn’t that sound extremely needy instead of just acting like there’s an issue

The more I think about it the more I just don’t think he’s bothered

To be honest OP, I think you may be right. I'm sorry. I wonder if you keep attracting a 'type' who is not really right for you. I have to agree that therapy is the best way to unpick what is behind it. You don't necessarily have to have long term therapy, just book an enquiry session or two and take it from there.

What is good is that you are aware of these behaviours, see them as problematic to your life, and want to change them... great place to start! And if you really want to eradicate them, you’ve guaranteed your eventual success.

Read the book Attached.
I guarantee you'll have a lightbulb moment about all of this.

Everyone has an attachment style which develops during childhood based on how your primary caregivers were with you emotionally etc. This will affect every relationship you have from then onwards.

You have an anxious attachment style. Read the book, it'll change your life

@SoapboxFox

The more I think about it the more I just don’t think he’s bothered

To be honest OP, I think you may be right. I'm sorry. I wonder if you keep attracting a 'type' who is not really right for you. I have to agree that therapy is the best way to unpick what is behind it. You don't necessarily have to have long term therapy, just book an enquiry session or two and take it from there.

@SoapboxFox yes I think it could be that, he’s not arsed as I’ve gone for someone who isn’t interested in a relationship or something. I don’t trust myself to go for the right people.

We’re all needy sometimes, it’s nothing to be ashamed of... and it’s far kinder to your partner to ask for reassurance rather than create an issue where there is none... they will respect you more for this.