I’m just so so sad, I can’t move

[Sadagain1547]

I’m so sad tonight. I’m 35 as of last week. I feel so old. I have been dating someone the last six months and I really fell hard for him. But I can tell, just like every other relationship I’ve invested in, that he doesn’t really care. I’m getting these overwhelming feelings again that he’s not particularly arsed. It’s awful.

We had a nice time over the weekend. At least I thought we did. He usually texts when I drive home and says what a good time he had. I heard nothing from him all day after I left at 7. I text him a photo mid afternoon and he replied tonight asking how my day was, said he was going out for a walk. He’s not desperate to chat with me is he. Just like everyone else, he’s indifferent.

I find it easy to attract men. No issues on dates. Yet here I am again, having given my all and it’s going pear shaped like all the others. I hate it. I almost wish we hadn’t met I can’t handle another broken relationship.

@TheSecondAct

What is good is that you are aware of these behaviours, see them as problematic to your life, and want to change them... great place to start! And if you really want to eradicate them, you’ve guaranteed your eventual success.

@TheSecondAct thank you. I feel a bit low this eve. Last time I said shall we end it he was very very upset. Maybe he’s thought sod her since that.

I've been able to be honest with my now partner about my anxious attachment, that my brain works lin a certain way because of things that have happened to me. He understands this, and I talk honestly to him when I feel this way. we have an open, honest relationship as I've been honest about the whole lot. Youve got to first be honest with yourself and see how it affects your relationships, and once you understand it you'll be able to work around it, and then anxiety will be a lot less!

I think No single relationship will meet all your needs, it’s just one part of your life.. and even in the most loving relationships you can feel lonely.. I know I do, part of being human.. and the more needy you are the further you push others away.. unfair!! I think perhaps you need to work on your self esteem, maybe calm app? Find your own counsellor m, write out your feelings and ask yourself how real they are.. God bless you, I hope you find yourself..

I think you need to relax, I don't think anything is wrong, I think you need to look at your feelings and how you can achieve balance. Look at it from his pov, he thinks all is fine, if he thinks that you are inferring that there are problems, it could make him question your judgement and if you are emotionally centred or not. He may feel upset and hurt that you have turned things around like this in your own mind. Don't let on to him you feel this way about him, and your relationship, and do try to look more closely at how to manage your own energy and emotional reactions xxx

You poor thing. I totally get this. I have periods where I'm a bit like this, although I internalise it and try not to let it control my actions or words, because I know it's ridiculous. For me, it's massive insecurity as a result of trauma within a previous relationship.

One of the things I've noticed is that it's not so much about the man I'm seeing, but about the need to feel loved. I've had periods in previous relationships where I am feeling truly wretched, unloved, unloveable, and it has really affected every part of my life. Sometimes over stuff like one unanswered text. And then, once I finally get that text and am given a bit of attention, my whole mood lifts. It's as if I balance the entirety of my mental health on the whims of a man. But in moments of clarity, I have thought, I don't know if I actually like this man that much. It's more about the attention.

I have really examined this part of me and am now in a new relationship. I'm still massively insecure, but BF is gentle and nice and I've told him as much as I can bear to. I'm not completely fine, but getting better.

Yes I want to give a hug too xxx

But girl, get some self help books and work this out!!! You said to him, shall we end it and really upset him?? That's you putting the breaks on!! Get it understood and sorted. You are kiboshing your life xxx

Check out this woman's youtube content on anxious attachment. It honestly changed my life

Some things just take time. You need to let this play out, there’s no way to move from dating to living together if the other person isn’t yet ready. A lot of people take more than six months to know if they are in love. Perhaps you judge relationships on your past experience of moving in at six months. Someone that tells you everything you want to hear at the six month mark may not always be genuine. You need to think of this as the mid point where it moves from dating to a relationship. Enjoy times together. Invite him round yours more to see if you see him in your life long term (it’s not all about him deciding if there’s a future, you get to do that too). Enjoy the fact you are both exclusive and are building feelings for each other; go on dates and plan mini breaks. Introduce him to your friends and family as appropriate. There’s nothing you have said so far that indicates he is wanting to end this so stay with it.

Maybe just tell him what you’ve told us. No playing games or setting tests, just explain the kind of anxiety you feel and how it sometimes drives behaviours you don’t feel in control of.

If he’s the right person, he’ll understand and stick around and give you the reassurance that you need. And if he’s not, you can read all the great info people have suggested and be in a much better position at the beginning of your next relationship.

I’ve been in relationships like this only from the other side. I get in very deep with a woman and then this neediness, insecurity and/or jealousy kicks in. It usually hits this point around 6 months in. Thing is it is very easy for a guy like me to interpret all these hoops and tests and created dramas as you pulling away. Kinda like you are looking for the exit door to the relationship yourself.

In short communicate honestly, say you are a little insecure, your feelings are getting the best of you which tends to happen in a cycle of 6 months as your feelings deepen, and just see what he says. 7 months is certainly long enough to get real with one another.

Also get rid of this over the hill at 35 years. I suspect given you’ve said you have no trouble attracting men, you are probably very attractive, but maybe you have an insecurity that that’s all men see in you, and that’s why 6 months is when you expect the allure of your looks to dissipate. It won’t be I assure you, you are in a vicious cycle here. Be a little kinder to yourself and be aware you bring a lot to the table.

Best of luck.

If he was really upset when you tried to end it, that means he really cares for you.

Maybe he's just scared your going to try and dump him again, and being a bit detached to protect himself.

I think your next step is to be really loving to him if you want this to work. And I mean in real life, not WhatsApp because that can be so easily misinterpreted

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Sadagain. He may be comfortable and happy in the relationship. Maybe because of that he has relaxed and doesn’t seem to contact you as much. Invite him to your home, nice dinner and relaxing time.

I think it’s just a different stage of your relationship.

I'm not surprised things feel a bit off, you're both happily dating and doing things together and then bam, you suggest breaking up.

What is he supposed to think?
If this came without warning he was probably blindsided and now he's retreated slightly because he doesn't know whats going on in your head and he needs to protect himself.

How did a discussion end up with you saying you could split up🤷‍♀️
Sounds very much like throwing your toysout of the pram and hoping for him to answer correctly.

I hope you can get the help you need as you are sabotaging this relationship just like you have done to all the others.
Low self esteem means you want constant reassurance and thats not possible long term, you need to be secure in yourself and then you won't care what he thinks of you.

@Sadagain1547 in my opinion there is a difference between being exclusive and being in a committed relationship. Have you two actually sat down and had a talk about the fact that you are in a relationship?

I used to be very similar, never wanting to rock the boat as I didn’t feel I deserved more, feeling desperately insecure and not wanting to come off as clingy but questioning every move that happens, and ultimately either ending the relationships myself because it was too much or hanging onto men who really weren’t interested.

What helped me is firstly, realising that I did deserve someone who was 100% committed to me, secondly being upfront about my intentions for a relationship and what I expected from them and putting in physical boundaries so that we moved at the same pace (obviously you two are in a relationship now).

I don’t know if it’s law of attraction or what, but my current partner has never made me feel like he was losing interest, and our relationship progressed at a pace that helped me feel in control. He knows that there’s certain things I need from him, and him from me and we have open conversations about our relationship and where we see it going in the future and are both committed to each other.

It’s very easy to say ‘oh you need to be less clingy’ but if you are actually feeling that insecure it’s so hard to turn off your feelings. You need to address the root cause through therapy, and also have a relationship with your partner (or a partner) that doesn’t trigger you.

Have a conversation with him (if you are 6 months in you should be able to). Either he will reassure you and you will move past it or he will show how he actually feels. There is definitely someone out there for you, you just need to see that you deserve it.