I’m just so so sad, I can’t move

[Sadagain1547]

I’m so sad tonight. I’m 35 as of last week. I feel so old. I have been dating someone the last six months and I really fell hard for him. But I can tell, just like every other relationship I’ve invested in, that he doesn’t really care. I’m getting these overwhelming feelings again that he’s not particularly arsed. It’s awful.

We had a nice time over the weekend. At least I thought we did. He usually texts when I drive home and says what a good time he had. I heard nothing from him all day after I left at 7. I text him a photo mid afternoon and he replied tonight asking how my day was, said he was going out for a walk. He’s not desperate to chat with me is he. Just like everyone else, he’s indifferent.

I find it easy to attract men. No issues on dates. Yet here I am again, having given my all and it’s going pear shaped like all the others. I hate it. I almost wish we hadn’t met I can’t handle another broken relationship.

Sounds like you need to appear less needy. You're worrying about them leaving before they actually do. Hard as it is, within the early stages of a relationship make them think that life for you is fun and busy for you and you are independent and not needy. It's far more attractive and will keep them interested.

I will be honest, this comes across as you desperately wanting a completely entwined and codependent relationship and him wanting something else.

I can say this after 2 marriages in which that's what I thought I wanted, it was all super intense and then I struggled with that intensity over time.

Im currently at 6 months with someone new and after previous 2.5 years of therapy (yes its a lot, probably could have done a lot less) it does feel different. I'm not chasing so hard, he's not such a needy person.

Maybe try distracting yourself?call a friend, have a bath, make some scones, do a Headspace meditation? Headspace really might be a good call.

Its not that hes going off you, its just settling into a long term relationship.

It sounds like your insecurity is coming out, and then thats scaring them off as you're probably coming off a bit too much like hard work.

How long has your longest relationship been?

[quote Sadagain1547]@TheSecondAct unless we are in the throes of passion at the beginning, or there’s a heated discussion about the relationship later on, I always without doubt see that as the relationship no longer matters to them. I’d rather have the relationship having ‘bad attention’ from him (like dealing with a conflict or an issue) than no attention at all as it makes me feel like he’s forgetting us or not bothered. Your question has made me wonder if I cause this. Though I don’t know why I would. I want it to work. I’m so confused.[/quote]
This post is quite concerning op.

If you start heated arguments as you see that kind of attention as better than indifference, then I think you are probably scaring them away.

Relationships are not always constant positive or negative drama. That's really not a healthy view.

It could possibly be you changing that starts the beginning of the end? You sense they are pulling away and you bring it about by acting differently and being the cause of it? Sounds like talking to someone could help?

The thing is OP- neediness is not that attractive in the long term for many people— it’s really wearing. I’ve had 2 marriages and one 4 year live in relationship (in the middle) my first H was the opposite and I felt something was missing- last 2 have been much more co dependent and I realised that actually what I mistook as something missing was actually much easier to live with.

You say you earn good money but cant afford counselling. That seems like a false economy when you are talking about your whole life. It would be worth investing in some therapy and self help books. You are projecting a lot - you cant trust men, you can just tell they are going off you, you need more reassurance at that point - which is affecting the relationships you are forming, and how they continue. I hope you can find someone impartial to work with who can help you make the changes you need, to get the relationships you want.

Something that struck me in your posts is that you say you prefer to go to spend time at the mans place rather than have them at yours. I would want a more even split and would feel like I was being kept at arms length if I were hardly ever invited to my boyfriends place. I know this is at odds with the rest of the post, but as I say, it is something that stood out to me.

Thanks for the responses. Perhaps this is more a problem with me than anyone else. I get defensive quickly even if I don’t communicate it. I have been told years ago in therapy that I self sabotage. I guess I thought by trying harder I wasn’t self sabotaging.

I know rationally the only answer is to be distant, not in a cruel way, but in a way that leaves him to come to me a bit more. I know that it’s just so hard as I panic. Nobody wants someone who is clingy and needy and I feel I let myself down as I am so independent and strong generally, I don’t know why I let myself behave this way in relationships.

I really need to calm down and I just don’t know how. I don’t think I’ve expressed too much of this to him yet to be honest, it’s probably the longest I’ve gone without feeling insecure but it’s suddenly hit me.

Same position here

Yes, I was struck by the fact that you don’t want him to come to your place. Why not? That’s not very friendly or welcoming. It might feel to him like you’re not interested in having him properly in your life.

It’s things like he’s stopped reading my messages when he comes online. Never used to be like that. Obviously means he is having other conversations but doesn’t make me feel great that he’s sat online and reads mine ten minutes later. I know it sounds petty but I do think if someone is really bothered they wouldn’t do that.

The more I think about it the more I just don’t think he’s bothered. Urgh I actually feel sick. Maybe I’m just not meant to be with anyone, some people aren’t are they. I’ve tried many times and had about 5 false starts now. I’ve completely had enough.

"having given my all"

Well - advice from a 60 year old. Don't give your all (what does that even mean?). You have to put yourself centre of your life. People don't respond well to the other rolling over and expecting them to fill all their emptiness. Who wants that?

You are still young. But I think you probably need to make some core changes to the way you think about yourself and yourself within a relationship. Otherwise - rinse and repeat, and it's likely got a lot more to do with you than perhaps it's comfortable for you to admit.

Secondly - dismantle the subliminal messaging you have absorbed about romance and men. You think you don't believe it? - oh but you do. White knight in shining armour who will 'get' you and look after you? Forever, marriage, love.

Forget it. Men are people. Treat them as equals and friends, not some sort of potential saviour. Accept 'forever' is not all it's cracked up to be - it's an illusion.

A bit of therapy, if possible, is always a good thing.

I’ve just messaged saying ‘you’re not very chatty tonight, hope you’re ok. Sleep well xxx’

No reply. Definitely going to leave it now and just get on with things like posters have suggested.

@rosabug good advice.
Your panic is about what exactly? Being abandoned? You might want to work on being OK without a relationship then you won't frighten anyone off. You interpret their behaviour as lack of interest but maybe it is just a natural settling down.
Believe that you are good enough and other people will treat you like that

@Gringlewald

Best thing you can do - it nearly always works - is act aloof. Don’t be off, or overly distant, just busy yourself with other things so he’s not the centre of your thoughts for a few days. Go out, meet some friends for a drink, spend an evening sorting out your wardrobe - anything. Once he’s out of your thoughts he’ll sense it and will no doubt be in touch. You might have to really force yourself to put your phone down when you are feeling the urge though. It’ll do you good!

Absolutely this. It feels like game playing, which I hate, but there is no question that it almost always works.

@Sadagain1547

I’ve just messaged saying ‘you’re not very chatty tonight, hope you’re ok. Sleep well xxx’

No reply. Definitely going to leave it now and just get on with things like posters have suggested.

Hmm, I'm not sure that the "you're not very chatty tonight" is a good idea, it sounds like you're trying to guilt or goad him. It does sound needy.

Lots of really good advice here OP.

My story is different but it may be of help.

I used to get this awful anxiety-ridden feeling when I was in the thick of my dating period (between the ages of 36-39). For me, I was still holding out hope that I would meet someone to start a family with (I had been married previously and left the marriage feeling rather good about myself), but dating in that period almost crippled me emotionally as I was hyper-vigilent whether or not the whatever current relationship I was in would work out. It was exhausting, and it nearly destroyed my self-esteem.

Once I decided to step off the dating treadmill and deal with the issue of having a child by myself (I underwent IVF with a sperm donor aged 39 and am currently 14 weeks pregnant), I no longer felt anxious/emotionally desperate/stressed.

Of course I appreciate that not everyone is willing to do what I did in order to have a family, but it's important to understand why you're feeling anxious around relationships. Do you want a family? If so, do you tend to discuss your needs/desires early on in the relationship?

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Aw sorry you're feeling rubbish Op.

In don't see that he's done anything to suggest he's no longer keen. I think it's natural to start to message less as it goes on. As the relationship adapts from honeymoon stage to something a little more comfortable, many people revert to wanting some more of their own space, at least less constant interaction. Doesn't mean he's gone off you.

Focus your mind on something else, see friends, read, go out, distract yourself while you're feeling uneasy. And playing it a little cool won't hurt. He knows you like him, but you have a life outside of him/this relationship too.

Not a good text - needy and accusatory. Try and keep busy OP, don’t overthink things.

Also, the footy is on. 3 matches a day at the moment. Have barely spoken to my DH he's engrossed!

I really think that you would benefit from some form of relationship counselling, but alone. You seem to have what could be perceived as unrealistic expectations from a relationship.

How do you feel about your communication style? Have you spoken rationally and calmly with present partner about what you would like regarding the level of communication?

Also, try and alter your thinking. You are in the relationship because it compliments you as a whole. You don’t need to be with this person, you choose to be.
So have the communication chat, if the response is not what you want to hear, then don’t waste time in a relationship that is less than satisfying for you. Take control, end things. If this is his communication style then no amount of talking/nagging/being needy will change that.
Be the one in control, be your own power.

@Sadagain1547

I’ve just messaged saying ‘you’re not very chatty tonight, hope you’re ok. Sleep well xxx’

No reply. Definitely going to leave it now and just get on with things like posters have suggested.

I would find that kind of message exasperating and needy. It is essentially asking him to explain what they have been doing instead of chatting to you.

There is more than a binary of intense even if conflict or indifference, OP. What do you think success, a sustainable and happy relationship would look like? Did you see such a relationship growing up? I know you might not be able to help your feelings of feeling threatened when things settle down but to many people, that would just be the next stage in a stable, happy relationship. It's not necessarily indifference though it can be. Constant drama or having to continually reassure might not be welcome for most partners even if they are actively looking for a stable, happy relationship.

Good luck.