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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’m just so so sad, I can’t move

140 replies

Sadagain1547 · 15/06/2021 19:53

I’m so sad tonight. I’m 35 as of last week. I feel so old. I have been dating someone the last six months and I really fell hard for him. But I can tell, just like every other relationship I’ve invested in, that he doesn’t really care. I’m getting these overwhelming feelings again that he’s not particularly arsed. It’s awful.

We had a nice time over the weekend. At least I thought we did. He usually texts when I drive home and says what a good time he had. I heard nothing from him all day after I left at 7. I text him a photo mid afternoon and he replied tonight asking how my day was, said he was going out for a walk. He’s not desperate to chat with me is he. Just like everyone else, he’s indifferent.

I find it easy to attract men. No issues on dates. Yet here I am again, having given my all and it’s going pear shaped like all the others. I hate it. I almost wish we hadn’t met I can’t handle another broken relationship.

OP posts:

squiglet111 · 15/06/2021 22:51

No you haven't messed things up by sending that message! He's a bloke! He wouldn't have noticed! So just carry on as normal and stop over thinking things! Enjoy the rest of your week and don't text him too much!

Original poster

Sadagain1547 · 15/06/2021 22:51

@DeeCeeCherry everyone always comments on 35 being too late. I feel anxious about that all the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sadagain1547 · 15/06/2021 22:53

@squiglet111

Thanks @squiglet111

I really want to be better at being calmer. I’m so envious of those who can just be calm and secure at all times or most of the time

OP posts:

TenShortStories · 15/06/2021 22:57

Don't fall into the trap of assuming that because you feel something it must be true. The way your feelings respond to any given situation are partly based on conditioning from your past. Try to acknowledge the feeling and then hit pause before you rush into any behaviour in response (texting for example).

If you want to send a curt message because he's losing interest then it will not matter if it's sent in 3 days time, or the week after next. Sending something now is all about meeting your own emotional needs when you're feeling panicked. The trouble is he doesn't know about the huge crisis of confidence going on in your head, he just sees a message that makes him roll his eyes slightly. I don't think one message will put him off after 6 months so don't sweat it, but each message like that could constitute a tiny nudge towards the situation you're terrified of.

That said, sometimes it's just that 6 months down the line is the right amount of time to really know if you'll be compatible with someone long-term. If someone feels that you aren't for them, the last thing you want to do is somehow present a fake version of yourself to trap them. Somewhere our there is going to someone who isn't put off by you being a bit too eager and will understand your insecurities. Get some counselling, explore your insecurities, and just let the ones who aren't interested slip through your fingers. Make it so that not being interested in you is your biggest turn-off and you won't find yourself running after these men in a panic.

seensome · 15/06/2021 23:04

From now on just relax, let him message you when he's ready, try and into a routine of a balanced exchange of contact. If still you feel he is not putting enough effort in then he's not right for you but for now just see what happens when you back off a little.

Onelifeonly · 15/06/2021 23:14

Neediness just isn't attractive. Be cool, don't badger him. It creates a power imbalance and I can tell you, being the one with the greater power is not actually a nice feeling. I had relationships like that and I always ended by breaking up with them as I wanted an equal partner.

Modern communication probably makes it all the worse. In the days of landlines only, we thought a lot more about whether to phone or not, as it was a much bigger deal - especially if you lived with others who could overhear your conversations/ complain about how much you were adding to the phone bill. I actually don't remember much about contacting my now DH by phone. I certainly wasn't still sitting by it waiting for his call by 6 months in. We saw each other regularly so there was no need.

I used to think 6 months was when you knew what someone was like and they didn't surprise you anymore. So you felt comfortable in the relationship. It sounds like you have decided that 6 months is your limit and it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's your approach that is sabotaging your relationships, not that you aren't intrinsically an interesting worthy person.

Redyellowpink · 15/06/2021 23:14

It sounds like you have an anxious preoccupied attachment style OP.

I would really recommend reading the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

DeeCeeCherry · 16/06/2021 03:06

22:51Sadagain1547

*DeeCeeCherry
everyone always comments on 35 being too late. I feel anxious about that all the time

No wonder, if people are always commenting. Don't waste days feeling sad, life isn't always about having a man. Do things that soothe your mind, make you happy. New experiences. No reason why you won't meet a man or 2 along the way.

Backtoblack1 · 16/06/2021 03:40

Did he get back to you?

Original poster

Sadagain1547 · 16/06/2021 06:35

@Backtoblack1

Did he get back to you?

@Backtoblack1 we had a short text exchange. I can’t tell if he’s being normal and it’s me worrying or whether he’s actually being distant.

I’m so sick of feeling like this. Maybe I just need to assume it’s not going anywhere and get back to online dating. He didn’t say anything that nice to me other than that he’d had a nice time seeing me. We said we loved each other a few weeks ago and he’s never said it since.

OP posts:

litterbird · 16/06/2021 06:59

"I travel to him more because I have flexible working. He offers to come over and I usually decline. I’ve always preferred being at someone else’s house in this context. He always offers though and says he wants to spend more time at mine. He said at the weekend he wanted to come over to sort the shed padlock that is broken and I can’t open."

What is the rationale behind all this OP apart from flexible working? You are constantly denying him a chance to relax and be with you at your house. He even offered to fix your shed. This man wants to do things for you, this is a sign of love and a need in him to be useful in your life and help you. What happens to your anxiety when he does come over? If I was denied the chance to go over to my boyfriends house and he insisted spending all the time at mine I think I would get a bit fed up after a while. Personally I would back off now and just try and not put him centre of your life. How are your friendships? Do you have girlie nights out or does your anxiety spill over to close female friendships? You can be fixed OP, you just need a bit of help and get out of the way of yourself.

Original poster

Sadagain1547 · 16/06/2021 07:22

@litterbird I have lots of friendships, my work is busy, I have things I can be doing. I’m ok on my own - I’ve been on my own on and off my whole life so I can deal with it, even though I would prefer a relationship.

I agree he did seem like he wanted to help. It’s not that I don’t want him to come over, he has been over, more that he only wants to stay for one night and I prefer seeing him longer, so it’s easier for me to then work from his a day in the week, he can’t do that as he doesn’t work remotely. I agree though it all seems objectively like I’m trying far too hard.

I’m not sure how I can re adjust the balance now? Looks like I’ve already ruined it by being how I’ve been anyway.

OP posts:

wildeverose · 16/06/2021 07:22

@Sadagain1547 - you really need to stop.
What do you want him to say? He said he enjoyed seeing you.
"Hasn't said anything that nice"
He has - he said it's nice seeing you.
He doesn't need to say he loves you every five mins.
Why on earth would you assume it's going nowhere and go back to online dating? Nothing has happened. Honestly the poor bloke, you're being really unfair to him. If you're planning on going online you have to have the decency to tell him! You're massively over reacting. Even if you went back online, you'd be doing this again with the next one. None of this is typical behaviour on your part and I really think you need to speak to someone.

Backtoblack1 · 16/06/2021 07:24

I ended it yesterday with someone I’d been seeing for 6months. I just sensed he wasn’t into it, his texts were different, he was constantly doing his hobby so any spare time he had he wasn’t seeing me. I sent him a polite message saying I needed more from him and he text back saying he understands that and sorry if he’s hurt me. So my feelings were right. I’m sad about it as I really liked him and we speak/text everyday but I don’t want a pen pal, I want to spend time with someone.

Hope it works out for you xxx

BrownTableMat · 16/06/2021 07:29

I think you need CBT more than counselling. Look up thought distortions. You’re displaying several: catastrophising (I’ve ruined everything with one text; My life will be ruined and I’ll never be in a relationship if this one doesn’t work out); black and white thinking (he is either passionately in love with me and thinking about me all the time or totally uninterested); mind reading (he hasn’t said he loves me in one text - that must mean he doesn’t); fortune telling (if this relationship doesn’t work out I’ll be single forever!); labelling (I’m someone who isn’t meant to be in a relationship). I could go on. These are all, at best, questionable statements and it’s likely none of them is true. They come from anxiety or sadness or other difficult feelings and then the thoughts spiral and reinforce the feelings and it becomes a vicious circle.

I really think CBT and perhaps mindfulness could help you. They focus on noticing and acknowledging feelings without giving in to the vicious spiral of negative, and likely untrue, anxious thoughts. If you’re lucky you might be able to access them on the NHS but it sounds like you could afford to pay privately.

Backtoblack1 · 16/06/2021 07:35

Think I need CBT too x

AgentJohnson · 16/06/2021 07:39

You’re not ready to be in relationship, you’re anxiety is taking over and it isn’t this mans responsibility to not feed it.

I’m sorry you’re going through this but managing your anxiety should be the priority not another relationship that feeds it.

BrownTableMat · 16/06/2021 07:42

Personally I found CBT life changing. But then again I was lucky enough to get it on the NHS with a clinical psychologist who was highly qualified and knew exactly what she was doing. I know that much of what passes for CBT nowadays on the NHS is someone minimally qualified giving out worksheets, though you might get lucky and be referred on to someone more specialist. For that reason I’d recommend that if you can afford to pay for it yourself you should consider it. The place to look is the British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychology, who have a register of qualified therapists:

babcp.com

One good thing about CBT is that it will always be a defined number of sessions and it works on training you in skills to get you independent of the therapist, so it’s not an open ended financial or emotional commitment. This is in contrast to the general counselling I’ve had, which has always seemed to lead to a dependence on the therapist and an open-ended commitment to expensive sessions that I think is unhelpful, for me at least.

Heneage · 16/06/2021 07:51

Check out hyperfocus too, as it's something people with ADHD do, along with rejection sensitivity disorder (RSD). I was like you decades ago then got diagnosed with ADHD in my 40s and everything made sense. Not saying you have ADHD but it sounds a familiar pattern to mine

Sciurus83 · 16/06/2021 08:26

You really should prioritise paying for CBT, it will change your life. These aren't healthy reactions, there's nothing to suggest things aren't going well and you're talking about sabotaging it. Good luck OP

Original poster

Sadagain1547 · 16/06/2021 08:26

Thanks for the advice. I will look I to CBT.

When you write it out like that @wildeverose I feel so silly. But in my mind it feels so real. Why do I do this?

I have a huge meeting I’m leading today. Loads of people thinking I’m on my game and in control. I feel like a completely fraud.

OP posts:

BrownTableMat · 16/06/2021 08:30

I’ve no doubt you are on your game and in control. Having some issues in one area of your life doesn’t mean that your whole life is an irretrievable mess. You must have something going for you to be doing so well professionally. I hope and trust all goes well today

GreyGoose1980 · 16/06/2021 08:31

Op it sounds a bit like you may panic once the initial intensity of meeting / dating and wondering where you are with each other has passed. Could you be reading this change of phase as him being less interested in you? If you then become more needy it may then genuinely start to put him off. Haven’t read the full thread but if it was only recently he offered to come over and fix your shed I’d see that as evidence he considers you in a relationship. You also mention you put him off from coming over to yours, he may wonder why too and think you don’t want him as part of your day to day life.

Zzelda · 16/06/2021 08:48

To answer the questions, I put my all in as I want a relationship to work. I guess I thought at my age that’s what I should be doing. I’m worried I’m left on the shelf because I am.

I think that may be your problem - you're expecting the other person to put their all into it when it isn't actually necessary, and you are possibly coming over as too intense. You need to step back from concentrating on relationships and work on the basis that it's nice if they happen, but you can have a complete and happy life without one

Jigglywobbly · 16/06/2021 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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