Adult Sons Making My Life Sad

[Franzipanny11]

2 sons, 21 & 25, I’m divorced, their father lives 10 mins walk away. I’ve had both boys since last March, eldest just graduated, youngest home from uni. Their father refused to have them because he’s got stents fitted and therefore underlying health risk. He’s now double vaxxed and still refuses to have them, however, he takes them to the pub and last Sunday took them out for drinks to ‘celebrate’ the end of our isolation (youngest had Covid). The boys drink A LOT, eldest projectile vomited in the shower on Sunday as he continued drinking after he left his father. My family history includes 2 alcoholic parents and so on top of worrying about their health, I’m worried about their propensity for addiction, and constantly reminded of a very unhappy childhood. I also feel backed into a corner and ‘left’ to do the parenting of 2 adult males whilst their father lives in a clean, child free zone with his partner. This is hellish, I’ve no family for support, my sister died very young and both parents now gone. How do I set rules if they’re just continually ignored and no back-up from their father?

You live in a child free zone too!

I don't mean to be facetious but my point is that these 2 are adults. They don't need parenting. Sit them down, explain your concerns, agree house rules between you.

I'm sorry that you are sad. Try to appreciate these last months and years before they go.

Is it just the drinking? Are they planning to move out?

It’s your rules or they move out, do they contribute/ do anything ?

Yes, set some rules, it’s your house. If they don’t agree they can find their own places to live.

You tell them to move out. They’re not children. Give them a date to move out and off they go. Seriously you can’t live like this.

They can always rent somewhere together…!

You don't have children living at home, you have adults. You don't need to parent them. Apart from one of your DS getting drunk and being sick on one occasion you offer nothing else to suggest there are any issues with them living with you. They can presumably do their own laundry, cook meals and be part of a cleaning and chores rota?

Who cleaned up the shower?

If it wasn't the adult male that projectile vomited over it, then I'd be telling them if this happens again, no notice, no negotiation, he'll be slinging his hook.

You are not left to do the parenting of two adult males!!!!!!

Adult males are adults. They don't need parented!

The son who projectile vomited in the shower, does it on a fairly regular basis, or, makes himself sick before he is actually sick. I used the word ‘children’ in a general term because, regardless of their age, THEY ARE my children! OK, their father is living in a young male adult free zone. These drinking and drug issues have been going on for at least 4 years, I didn’t know the extent of it until they had to come home. They do their own laundry, that’s it, I do all the cooking. I’m not looking for sympathy or to be attacked, I’m an incredibly pragmatic person, but I’ve already laid boundaries and rules which they just keep eroding until I’m worn down. I’m just worn down.

I think most young people have far too much to drink occasionally and sometimes vomit, particularly if they’re celebrating and get carried away. I don’t think that you need to worry about him becoming an alcoholic quite yet.

Agree with others - you set house rules and make sure they’re obeyed by making it clear they’re welcome to move out and pay a market rent if they can’t be respectful and live with you essentially as housemates would. They do a share of the chores and sort their own laundry etc. No parenting of twenty-somethings necessary.

On the drinking, your last post makes it a bit different. I think you need to ask your eldest son to move out and give him a deadline.

Those aren't boys, they are men. Tell them you're getting older and you want the house to yourself. They can move in with their dad or find somewhere else, but you want them out by the end of June.

It will be hard. You might need to talk to the community police officer in advance if you think they'll give trouble.

When you say you lay down boundaries, what kind of things do you mean? Is it just to do with the drink and drugs or are there other issues?

Why are you ‘parenting’ a 21 year old and a 25 year old?!

It’s time to stop doing that.

It’s time for them to go and live in their own house share if their father doesn’t want them under his roof. Or they stick to the rules that you set.

This whole thing is lunacy.

Do they work and pay towards the bills, if not why not. Have they thought about moving out and living in a house share or flat.

Do they work and pay towards the bills. Could they move out and get a flat or house share.

How do I set rules if they’re just continually ignored and no back-up from their father?

You tell them that setting rules hasn't worked and so, since they have no respect for you or your home, you feel you have no choice but to ask them to find somewhere else to live. They're adults now, time they start acting like it.

At this point they are not owed a living by you, and they are more than capable of sorting themselves out if they will not live by your requirements in your home.

They can wear themselves or somebody else down.

Tell them to leave or start paying rent and obeying your house rules.

You don't have to parent them. Instead, like any other lodgers, you can kick them out if they're annoying you.

They need to move out now. Their behaviour probably isn't unusual, but you shouldn't have to witness it. They should be living with friends or girlfriends or each other, and visiting you when they are sober and coherent.

It was nice of you to let them stay through Covid but it's time to eject them now.

I’m not surprised you’re worn down with it. Hopefully they’ll move out soon!

Sorry, don't know why that came up twice

They essentially treat the house like a student house, dirty plates everywhere, clothes left lying around, just mess everywhere. Obviously I’ve told them to stop it, but it just keeps creeping back in. They don’t walk the dog unless I absolutely can’t, they don’t clean their rooms unless I’m screaming at them and then I get accused of losing my shit, they are essentially lazy, By ‘parenting’ I mean ‘communicating’ - I talk to them, try to point out the pros/cons of any given situation they might be faced with and how to make the best decisions for themselves - I call that parenting, because that’s what it is.

They need to move out asap.
They are inflicting a 20's lifestyle on you.

Get them out.
Nothing else will work with them.

In the interim, stop being a skivvy to them.
Stop all cooking.

If they refuse to leave, call 101 for support.

I would not for a minute tolerate such behaviour, out numbered, in my own home.

You are not obligated to accept this.