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Original poster

Adult Sons Making My Life Sad

132 replies

Franzipanny11 · 15/06/2021 18:31

2 sons, 21 & 25, I’m divorced, their father lives 10 mins walk away. I’ve had both boys since last March, eldest just graduated, youngest home from uni. Their father refused to have them because he’s got stents fitted and therefore underlying health risk. He’s now double vaxxed and still refuses to have them, however, he takes them to the pub and last Sunday took them out for drinks to ‘celebrate’ the end of our isolation (youngest had Covid). The boys drink A LOT, eldest projectile vomited in the shower on Sunday as he continued drinking after he left his father. My family history includes 2 alcoholic parents and so on top of worrying about their health, I’m worried about their propensity for addiction, and constantly reminded of a very unhappy childhood. I also feel backed into a corner and ‘left’ to do the parenting of 2 adult males whilst their father lives in a clean, child free zone with his partner. This is hellish, I’ve no family for support, my sister died very young and both parents now gone. How do I set rules if they’re just continually ignored and no back-up from their father?

OP posts:
Onthegrid · 15/06/2021 20:06

It's tough, my DC are similar ages, however whilst messy, their general behaviour is much better. The older one spent 2 years at home, we insisted that they got a job and paid nominal housekeeping in return for us buying all food (we didn't need the money it was a principle thing). The younger one had been away at uni for over 2 years but came back at the start of first lockdown, without a job or much online learning, they generally laid about, cooked food making a lot of mess and did washing just when I needed the machine.

FuckMyLife2021 · 15/06/2021 20:07

And I speak as someone who was booted out of my Dads aged 20, quite rightly, due to my appalling behaviour and I wasn’t even doing drugs or vomiting everywhere!

Opentooffers · 15/06/2021 20:08

Well my 17 year old son sorts his own breakfast and lunch out, if I'm at work, he has to sort his tea out, or, if I'm just out doing my own thing for the day, he sorts his own food out. Cleans his own room, does his own washing. Got home this afternoon after day out with dog and friend, to find him gardening - this, however, could only mean one thing, and sure enough, it's revision avoidance for an exam tomorrowHmm. There's some hope for him after all, but can I get him to wash up ?- he's shocked me about 4 times in the last year by doing that. Glad I've only got one of them Grin

FrownedUpon · 15/06/2021 20:17

They’re adults-they need to move out. Life is too easy for them & they’re not respecting you or your home.

You deserve a peaceful life in your own home without cleaning up after two man babies.

MissyB1 · 15/06/2021 20:20

I hear you OP. I have adult dc, the younger one (26) comes home from Uni now and again and is the messiest noisiest creature!

Help your boys to look for a flat share and tell them to ask their dad for help with a deposit- after all he doesn’t do much else for them.

My ex hasn’t had my boys to even stay one night for at least 10 years now. They are allowed to visit for a coffee 🙄

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/06/2021 20:22

@Twistered

You are not left to do the parenting of two adult males!!!!!!

Adult males are adults. They don't need parented!

This Confused
Mandalay246 · 15/06/2021 20:24

They are adults and more than able to understand rules. If they don't abide by the rules I would be suggesting (strongly) that they move out and make their own way in the world.

You should not have to parent sons of that age, and I'm afraid you are making a rod for your own back by putting up with this sort of behaviour. It's understandable that you worry about their habits, but once again, they are adults and it's high time they moved out.

ClassyCupcake2020 · 15/06/2021 20:27

They're adults. There are people their age living abroad having had to seek opportunities overseas because of poor prospects and God awful circumstances at home. I can imagine you are totally worn down but you are making a rod for your own back for as long as you tolerate their disrespect. Your house, your rules. Don't like it, live elsewhere. You'll end up resenting one another and your relationship with your children will break down.

Original poster
Franzipanny11 · 15/06/2021 20:27

MissyB1 - that’s how it was shaping up here, they ‘visit’ their dad or meet him in the pub. I think it’s because his partner’s son & daughter have left the nest and there’s some pressure to have the place to themselves, he also needs ‘excuses’ to go to the pub as his partner doesn’t like him drinking. I’ve just told him he’ll need to help but, despite having a job that involves a lot of decision making, when it comes to his personal life, it seems to paralyse him.

OP posts:
FairyDusting · 15/06/2021 20:37

Oh come on OP, this is two adult men! Your eldest is older than me. Tell him to get a grip or get out.

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/06/2021 20:40

@Franzipanny11

MissyB1 - that’s how it was shaping up here, they ‘visit’ their dad or meet him in the pub. I think it’s because his partner’s son & daughter have left the nest and there’s some pressure to have the place to themselves, he also needs ‘excuses’ to go to the pub as his partner doesn’t like him drinking. I’ve just told him he’ll need to help but, despite having a job that involves a lot of decision making, when it comes to his personal life, it seems to paralyse him.
There's a pair of you in it... He doesn't have to "help" you parent two grown men, the whole thing is preposterous.
Original poster
Franzipanny11 · 15/06/2021 20:46

GreyhoundG1rl - what the hell are you talking about? You make absolutely no sense, but seem to be one of those people who just throws a comment in, without actually thinking it through.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 15/06/2021 20:47

@Franzipanny11

GreyhoundG1rl - what the hell are you talking about? You make absolutely no sense, but seem to be one of those people who just throws a comment in, without actually thinking it through.
What don't you understand?
KeepingTrack · 15/06/2021 20:48

But he might financially help for them to move out (eg pay the deposit!)…

Original poster
Franzipanny11 · 15/06/2021 20:49

Thanks everyone. Some very helpful advice.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 15/06/2021 20:51

You are making your life sad by continuing to house them and put up with their shit.

Babygotblueyes · 15/06/2021 20:54

OP - sounds grim. A lot of young men live like pigs - some grow out of it when confronted by flatmates, some snap out of it and some never take any responsibility for behaving like adults and live like this for ever (you only have to look at MN to see those examples). There is no reason to give up hope they will grow out of this - but quite rightly, somewhere else!

FaceyRomford · 15/06/2021 20:56

I'd down size to a one bed places if I were you OP and tell them to
go to their Dad's.

Tistheseason17 · 15/06/2021 20:57

I hope you get them out. Give them a date and change locks if needed.
Or they will just continue acting without respect for you - quite disgusted by their behaviour as they are men, not boys.

If things stay the same, you'll just continue to be sad.

lastcall · 15/06/2021 20:57

Kick them out.

Seriously.

They can't follow the house rules, they're out and supporting themselves. And possibly less money for alcohol/drugs/etc if they're paying their own way.

Original poster
Franzipanny11 · 15/06/2021 21:05

FaceyRomford - he won’t have them, he’s too scared they’ll give him Covid. I’ve arranged for one of them to go there temp until he finds something else on the basis that if he’s ok to go to the pub with them, he can have one at home. The other one is trying to bring a flat share forward from September. It’s been really helpful getting some of the feedback on here, when you’re in the middle of it, during a pandemic, it can seem daunting.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 15/06/2021 21:15

It sounds like their father made the smart call. If you had never included their ages, I would never have guessed they were adults from what you’ve written.

The second they didn’t respect house rules, they should have been out on their ears. Give them a deadline and stick to it, I wouldn’t bank on NZ opening up to all and sundry before Christmas.

airbags · 15/06/2021 21:17

@Franzipanny11

FaceyRomford - he won’t have them, he’s too scared they’ll give him Covid. I’ve arranged for one of them to go there temp until he finds something else on the basis that if he’s ok to go to the pub with them, he can have one at home. The other one is trying to bring a flat share forward from September. It’s been really helpful getting some of the feedback on here, when you’re in the middle of it, during a pandemic, it can seem daunting.
Glad you're working towards a solution tonight. I've told mine that during uni and the year after (and maybe longer) they'll have a home here but that will also mean being respectful of the rules and acting like responsible young adults - have fun, party etc but don't take the Micky and also pay some rent. Just because they're young adults doesn't mean they're no longer your children and it's easy to not see the wood for the trees, so I get how you've ended up in this situation. Hope they find somewhere soon and start showing you some respect.
Original poster
Franzipanny11 · 15/06/2021 21:18

AgentJohnson - their father always made sure he was winning and that the best situation was saved for him. That’s why I divorced him. Thanks for your input.

OP posts:
OrangeSharked · 15/06/2021 21:21

You are wrongly blaming your ex for this. You need to accept it is your own children who are behaving this way

They are adults. They do not need parenting. Your ex doesn't have to have his adult children live with him and neither do you.

The 25 year old is far too old for this behaviour, projectile vomiting in your mums shower is not actually normal mid 20s behaviour.

If the 21 yo is a uni student I'd cut them a bit of slack. Most uni students will live with parents and his capacity to earn and therefore rent alone is reduced. However he absolutely shouldn't be taking the piss and shouldn't be making your life more difficult

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