Adult Sons Making My Life Sad

[Franzipanny11]

2 sons, 21 & 25, I’m divorced, their father lives 10 mins walk away. I’ve had both boys since last March, eldest just graduated, youngest home from uni. Their father refused to have them because he’s got stents fitted and therefore underlying health risk. He’s now double vaxxed and still refuses to have them, however, he takes them to the pub and last Sunday took them out for drinks to ‘celebrate’ the end of our isolation (youngest had Covid). The boys drink A LOT, eldest projectile vomited in the shower on Sunday as he continued drinking after he left his father. My family history includes 2 alcoholic parents and so on top of worrying about their health, I’m worried about their propensity for addiction, and constantly reminded of a very unhappy childhood. I also feel backed into a corner and ‘left’ to do the parenting of 2 adult males whilst their father lives in a clean, child free zone with his partner. This is hellish, I’ve no family for support, my sister died very young and both parents now gone. How do I set rules if they’re just continually ignored and no back-up from their father?

But OP, they’re adults.If they can’t behave like civilised human beings they live in their own places.

If they want to live the twenties lifestyle, then they need to make their own, or go live with other twenty somethings. Not expect Mummy to be cooking and cleaning.

@Franzipanny11

They essentially treat the house like a student house, dirty plates everywhere, clothes left lying around, just mess everywhere. Obviously I’ve told them to stop it, but it just keeps creeping back in. They don’t walk the dog unless I absolutely can’t, they don’t clean their rooms unless I’m screaming at them and then I get accused of losing my shit, they are essentially lazy, By ‘parenting’ I mean ‘communicating’ - I talk to them, try to point out the pros/cons of any given situation they might be faced with and how to make the best decisions for themselves - I call that parenting, because that’s what it is.

And my point is that they’re taking the piss and you’re letting them. That’s the sort of parenting you do with children 10 years younger than them.

You need to stop it.

They shape up or ship out.

Stop spoon-feeding them. One of them is TWENTY FIVE for gods sake.

OP they are too old for you to tell them to walk the dog or tidy their rooms.

You need to push them out. Don't waste any more energy trying to make this work.

@Franzipanny11 I am sorry you are having all this trouble with you "D"Ss. I can understand your worries. I had similar with my DCs.
It took years for me to get to where I am now. I got ill with the stress of it all but kept on taking the rubbish and worrying about everything. Even though I am now away from it all I still worry. I think it goes with being a mum

Thank you to everyone who replied. Some of you have reiterated what I was already thinking - they need to move out. My own parents were terrible and I just wanted to make sure my own family didn’t have what I had, but they’ve made me utterly miserable in my own home and I just can’t keep living like this. I’ll speak to them tonight about finding somewhere else. Thanks again.

Do remember OP, you don't need their consent for them to be required to move out. Tell them, don't ask.

Do they work? would they behave like this at work?
Give them 2 weeks to find a flat and off they go!!

Why on earth haven’t they got their own places to live?

I so agree with what has been said. grownups get to choose what they do and they also get to take the consequences...my only question is why are they still there?

Why are u cooking for them? Just stop... unless they are cleaning g their stuff...
Can you move.? I know it sounds extreme but ..they and you seem to be defaulting to an adult child relationship rather than an adult relationship..and it needs resetting...

Your not communicating your moaning at them and they are taking the piss as there's no consequences

They are adults. They are your children but they are adults. They are old enough to live on their own. They are old enough to have children of their own. Their dad might be shit but he is right not to baby them.

I have teens and don't have this kind of behaviour! I would t stand for it, so never mind from twenty somethings!

Do they work?

*wouldn't

They are too old for that sort of parenting now. The older one needs to move out. I might give the younger more leeway, as he’s still a student and maybe needs somewhere when he’s on university vacation. I’m assuming he doesn’t go to a local university.

To those asking why they’re here - they arrived just before the 1st lockdown and it’s been tricky with ‘bubbles’ and sharing, I would’ve thought that was fairly obvious but some of you just seem to like goading. The youngest is still a student and plans to move in September, I’ve just asked him to bring it forward, the eldest graduated last year and has only just got a job wfh, he applied for a working visa in NZ last year and is waiting to hear when that might happen, so, a few things up in the air and difficult to just throw them out in a pandemic.

You should be able to lay the law down with this kind of behaviour from your Sons. You are a Mother, but you have the right to apprehend your Sons and their rubbish behaviour, as they seem to have no respect for you, and this is a horrible thing to know, and live with..

Can they not flee the nest at all, and let you have some peace, or do they have the mindset, to just lob around, and think they can do as they please all the time, and don't care a jot how it all affects you.

I'd be shaking them right up. Old enough to go out getting pissed oil enough to deal with the conciquences.

You are 3 adults living in a house. They are massively benifitting from not having to pay full bills. You are massivly put out by them taking the piss quite so much.

Either buck up ideas or move out. Maybe they could rent a place together.

I think everyone now being very hard attacking the op on here , and I suspect some don't have experience of living with young adult DC. It's too simplistic to say "they don't need parenting, leave them to their own devices". If she did that, her home would be trashed even more than it is now.

The op is stressed at having to clear up after them, because if she doesn't do it, no one will. And she gets next to no support from her co-parent by the sound of it.

I think this is a really difficult situation. Your son's and you probably want two entirely different things from a house ATM. They want a party pad and you want a peaceful home.

The answer to this is that you have a conversation with your lads, tell them it isn't working for you and they need to get sumner jobs/permanent jobs to pay for shared rental accommodation where they can puke to their heart's content. Could you help them with the deposit op? Could their father? You need to call an urgent family meeting.

Also, you sound very isolated. Can you get out a bit more yourself and do some things that you enjoy op just for yourself? Could you try and develop some friendships by joining a hobby group? It sounds as though you need some female company who come around to your place rather a lot so the boys have to go elsewhere

This sounds like hell. Both either working or studying in the house? I think it’s pretty presumptuous of your eldest to think it’s ok to get a wfh job without thinking of the impact on you.

Have you tried telling them that unless they toe the line and follow the rules they will find themselves out on their ear?

As for going out with their father, I’d be telling them if they choose to get pissed with him they can stay at his place. The door will definitely be locked then.

You might find it helpful to visit www.Adfam.org.uk. They are an organization aimed at helping the loved ones of a person with substance use issues. They could support you to set further boundaries with the eventual consequence that they are asked to leave.

Give the older son a deadline by which time he has to move out, be it to NZ, to his father's or to a flat share. Explain to him that you love seeing him but the way he treats your home is just not acceptable and it can no longer work going forward. The younger one may improve if he knows there's consequences.

They're both taking the piss. Have you sat them down individually at any point and told them how it makes you feel and how disrespectful their behaviour is (not moaning but just communicating to them how they're behaving and how it impacts you).

Btw did their father treat you inconsiderately too as they may just be copying him.

Petalplucker - thank you, I’ve just started putting some of those things in place. You describe it perfectly and I never thought I’d be in this position when they were teens, a lot changes in those years. I’m not babying them, I always cook anyway, but their ‘lifestyle’ has become too much and, as you say, we are adults looking for different things forced to live under the same roof. It just helps to have different opinions to bounce off, and I feel ultimately responsible. Thanks again.

Glad you are going to tell them to move out.

Should you have any guff, lock them out.

They are two disrespectful brats and I wouldn't be putting up with it.

That age group can be very messy, I lived ina house share and yes we were messy but it is completely different to living at home.

This is YOUR home and they are behaving appallingly.

Considering their father refused, one might think it might register with them, but apparently not.

You need to be ruthless.

Yes they are your children but they are fucking adults and need to shape up or get the fuck out.