Adult Sons Making My Life Sad

[Franzipanny11]

2 sons, 21 & 25, I’m divorced, their father lives 10 mins walk away. I’ve had both boys since last March, eldest just graduated, youngest home from uni. Their father refused to have them because he’s got stents fitted and therefore underlying health risk. He’s now double vaxxed and still refuses to have them, however, he takes them to the pub and last Sunday took them out for drinks to ‘celebrate’ the end of our isolation (youngest had Covid). The boys drink A LOT, eldest projectile vomited in the shower on Sunday as he continued drinking after he left his father. My family history includes 2 alcoholic parents and so on top of worrying about their health, I’m worried about their propensity for addiction, and constantly reminded of a very unhappy childhood. I also feel backed into a corner and ‘left’ to do the parenting of 2 adult males whilst their father lives in a clean, child free zone with his partner. This is hellish, I’ve no family for support, my sister died very young and both parents now gone. How do I set rules if they’re just continually ignored and no back-up from their father?

Kick them out.

Kick them out

Yeah kick them out and lock the door. That’ll sort it. Why haven’t you thought of that OP? 🙄🥱

My DD (21) has been sofa surfing for the past two years, with her turning up here from time to time when the going gets tough, and she outstays her welcome in her friends homes.

She’s an adult. She knows it all. She can find a secure job, after she made the decision to drop out of college, and fund her own lifestyle rather than come here with her begging bowl.

I didn’t throw her out as much as I wanted to. She made that decision herself because she knows everything and I was a terrible mother expecting her to abide by my rules, clean up after herself and come home at a reasonable time without knocking everyone up because she forgot her key - again!

I still couldn’t see her with nowhere to live so she knows she has somewhere to go when everyone else is fed up of her. She’s my daughter and, ultimately my responsibility, within reason.

It sounds like you have a solution OP. Good luck!

I

@ThisMarleyisNotaLabrador

It wasn’t a personal attack.
As per my last post, I absolutely refute that’s is parental fault when young adults struggle to fly as adults. Indeed, often other children manage it just fine.
Perhaps you should read the full post?

@Cowbells, thank you. I agree ! I lived in some awful places as a young woman because I wanted my independence ! ice on the duvet and no central heating ... all good experience !

I brought my children up to respect my house rules or move out. If they made an adult decision to move out after the age of 18 great!! With that decision comes the responsibility of paying for themselves. That’s what adults do. Sure we had arguments and disagreements. That comes with the territory of raising children into adulthood. Kids become adults and know everything there is to know about adult life. Except they don’t lol! There is no chance that I or my partner would have allowed our dc to move out on the proviso that we pay their bills.
Not a chance in hell!
They all found a job and payed their own way as adults do. The teenage years before their exit was a bit rough on us all. However, they are our children. We would never give up on them. We weathered the storms together.

Well done OP for not giving up and finding a solution. I hope everything works out for you and your boys. Stick in there. It’s hard but hey… you are doing your best and your boys will appreciate it when they grow up enough to understand what they have put you through.

Well done OP for not giving up and finding a solution. I hope everything works out for you and your boys. Stick in there. It’s hard but hey… you are doing your best and your boys will appreciate it when they grow up enough to understand what they have put you through.

I really feel for you OP. You well and truly have the short end of the stick.

Classic Ex. Has the lols with the boys in the pub, fun Dad, whilst you get all the shit.

I have sons, more than 2 and similar ages to your OP and I know what you are talking about. It can be hard work and you are on your own without the back up of another parent. That takes loads of energy and sounds like you are exhausted.

My older sons are at home largely due to Covid. Probably they wouldn't be here otherwise. Very similar to you OP. University, travelling and starter jobs all on hold. It's not just that easy to be out on your way in life, as much as other posters might say.

You know you really need to set down down some immovable ground rules for them and/or they move out. They are old enough for that.

I have made ground rules. They're quite basic. This isn't a student house which sometimes they forgot. Especially after 'returning'. They outnumber you OP so it's easier for them to 'forget'/take the piss.

My rules are quite basic but it works. And posters please don't tell me how yours were trained at 6 to do all these things because I thought mine were. Things evolve and change and everyone's lives are different.

Tidy up in public areas. Especially after using the kitchen. Rota for dog walks.

Their bedrooms are their own. I wince and shut the door.

I cook most nights and they like that ( no shit ). I let them know in advance if I'm not cooking.

And as it turns out OP, I now love that they are still here.

OP stick with it. Sending you energy. It's your home and not a democracy. I hope you get to see the nice and pleasurable side of your boys. I know it's under there somewhere.

@ sunglassesonthetable - thank you, and to others who have offered valuable advice, some in a similar position. Covid has forced us together because, as you say, ‘plans on hold’. I’ve set boundaries, several times, and the last time made it clear that if they erode or break the boundaries, they’re out. They did, and now they are. I have a very good relationship with my sons, always available to listen and they come to me, regardless of the issue and we talk, they’ve done this since they were very young because I think it’s important. But this time, it’s too far, I was backed into a corner to keep them during the various lockdowns and bubble scenarios but that is now easing and I have leeway. People suggesting that I’m weird, throw them out, they’re disgusting brats are not helpful, they’re not, they’re young men in their 20’s who are at home because there was limited options. They’ve both lived for a year abroad independently, lived at uni independently and are quite capable of doing so again. I’ll take criticism where it’s due but there are some on this thread who might like to take a look at their own lives, throwing insults at others, over genuine advice makes this place, ugly.

Thanks again to you and others for your words of wisdom. I’ll get there…