Adult Sons Making My Life Sad

[Franzipanny11]

2 sons, 21 & 25, I’m divorced, their father lives 10 mins walk away. I’ve had both boys since last March, eldest just graduated, youngest home from uni. Their father refused to have them because he’s got stents fitted and therefore underlying health risk. He’s now double vaxxed and still refuses to have them, however, he takes them to the pub and last Sunday took them out for drinks to ‘celebrate’ the end of our isolation (youngest had Covid). The boys drink A LOT, eldest projectile vomited in the shower on Sunday as he continued drinking after he left his father. My family history includes 2 alcoholic parents and so on top of worrying about their health, I’m worried about their propensity for addiction, and constantly reminded of a very unhappy childhood. I also feel backed into a corner and ‘left’ to do the parenting of 2 adult males whilst their father lives in a clean, child free zone with his partner. This is hellish, I’ve no family for support, my sister died very young and both parents now gone. How do I set rules if they’re just continually ignored and no back-up from their father?

I wonder how many of the critical posters on here actually have adult children?

We don't actually need to have adult children because we once were adult children ourselves, some living with our parents at that age. However I'm sure most of us didn't behave the way the OP's sons are and if we did we know what our parents' response would have been!

We were all teenagers once, and your experience of being a teenager with two parents is irrelevant to the OP.
OP is dealing with conflict without support from her ex, who actively undermines her.

I have adult sons, 22,19 and a youth of 16. the eldest no longer lives at home because of these type of issues. The middle one has learned, keeps his spade tidy, is moderately helpful around the house and is respectful and kind to me.

Its about boundaries. Its s NOT unreasonable to want a clean peaceful house. set the boundaries with clear consequences for transgressions. Then enforce them. They will take the piss for as long as you allow it. My relationship with my eldest son is much better now he has got over me kicking him out for persistent violation of my boundaries - we are very close now and I like him much more than I did when I had to live with him.

@Franzipanny11 - does your 21 year old have plans for the summer? If not, suggest he goes volunteering (and growing up!) for a couple of months - www.workaway.info or www.helpX.com

I have young adult children at home. They cook, clean, do the shopping etc.

I think you need to tell them that unless they stick by your very reasonable rules then they can't live with you.

It is horrible but they have to learn to respect other people and their environment. It is your home that they're trashing! Also divide up the chores between you 3 adults.

I'd expect a bit of projectile vomiting from a 21 year old lol.

But it's time for them to move out. They should be able to afford a place together. And they'll have to stop wasting money on booze in order to pay rent so win win.

Sit them down and tell them they are grown now and you want your life back. That you're not there to run around after two man children. That they have 2 months to find a suitable place and you will help them to some extent but its time they start taking responsibility for their lives.

@Thelnebriati

We were all teenagers once, and your experience of being a teenager with two parents is irrelevant to the OP. OP is dealing with conflict without support from her ex, who actively undermines her.

I agree, but I also think the experience of being the young adult is very different from the experience of being the parent in this situation! The adult dc might think they were super helpful and no problem, the parent might think very differently! It’s only when you’ve been a parent of an adult dc that you really understand the challenges they can bring.

I have adult sons, 22,19 and a youth of 16. the eldest no longer lives at home because of these type of issues. The middle one has learned, keeps his spade tidy, is moderately helpful around the house and is respectful and kind to me

I have 4 adult children. All have been respectful and kind to me. 3 went to Uni and moved out, except for coming home for the holidays. They all got a job and paid for their own homes.

Youngest at 20 is a full time student. Of course for a year there has been no college save for a few hours a week online. She works 2 evenings a week to pay for her petrol and food. If she doesn’t want to eat what I provide she can buy her own.

Was your son working when you threw him out? If not where did he live and how did he feed himself, do his laundry etc?

Hey OP, I've just read all your posts and you sound like a really awesome person with a sensible head on their shoulders! Keep persevering and I hope you and the boys come to an arrangement you're all happy with soon 😊💐

I have DS1 21 here at the moment, before he starts his placement. Room is messy but not too bad and he brings glasses etc down when I tell him. He helps out eg drive me back from car service yesterday and took me down to pick up. He cooks one meal a week for us all and always asks if the girlfriend can come round. He will babysit as well. No vomiting in the house since he was 17 and that was once on his birthday. And no drugs.
So it’s not perfect but it’s fine for us. Your two need some basic rules and if they can’t stick to them they need to leave.

The joy of having children who are adults is you can ask them to leave 👌

I haven't read all the posts but my son is a similar age and situation. I can appreciate how hard it is as they are technically adults but my son after moving back is like a teenager.

I don't cook for my son or comment on the pigsty he sleeps in. He does his washing and leaves it in machine, I take it out and then drop in pile when dry. I don't even fold.

I dont think boys fully mature until they are older, think I read 25, so it's a difficult phase and I recognise it isnt easy.

I have two children who have left home. Dd1 went to Uni and from there got a job and her own place. Ds2 went to Uni and decided during holidays to treat our house as a student house and felt as an adult no longer had to follow house rules.

We put up with this for some time. Our child and we love him. We got no sleep, things were broken and we were treated with contempt. It was heartbreaking.

We did however, say if you can’t live with us in a respectful way then you can no longer come home. He didn’t. Again heartbreaking.
I will point out here he’s safe. We pay for student house, spending money etc
I think we put up with a lot of boundaries being broken because we didn’t want this situation. We wanted him to break away from us gently.

So I know how you feel. It’s terrifying. You want a relationship with your child to be strong. It’s not easy to enforce boundaries when you know there will be fall out.

Currently, I try very hard to maintain a relationship with Ds. It’s very one sided at the moment, but I hope that it will improve. On the other hand my days and nights are calm and peaceful. Actually, this gives me the ability to be more considered, more careful in my relationship with him.

So, I know what it feels like to be stuck in your situation. I realise that you know there will be fall out if you take a hard line. I know that you want a good healthy relationship with your sons. I’m not saying my way was the right way. Only time will tell. But you have my sympathy and I hope you can find some strength in the knowledge that other families go through the same.

@Franzipanny11

im glad you have now put plans in place and hope everything works out for you.

I’m waiting for someone to tell me how their DC managed with no money when they were thrown out of their family home. If there was some magic way of surviving on no income I’d be happy to move out.

Like yourself my problem is not so much DD. It’s more being constantly undermined by her father. Whatever rules I put in place he undermines me. He doesn’t have to deal with the consequences. I do!

💐🍷 x

If you are referring to me @ThisMarleyisNotaLabrador, I didn't 'throw my son out'. If you read my post it says he is no longer living at home. This is true. It became clear over a period of 12 months he would not / could not respect my rules. He was pt at college and pt working ( this was pre covid) . He moved to a room in a flat close to college, I supplemented his rent, and his wages paid for him to live. Not really that complicated is it ?. he would have preferred to stay at home and kept his wages , that was not acceptable to me if he would not follow very basic rules. I have the right to live in peace in the home I pay for ....

@logincard

If you are referring to me *@ThisMarleyisNotaLabrador*, I didn't 'throw my son out'. If you read my post it says he is no longer living at home. This is true. It became clear over a period of 12 months he would not / could not respect my rules. He was pt at college and pt working ( this was pre covid) . He moved to a room in a flat close to college, I supplemented his rent, and his wages paid for him to live. Not really that complicated is it ?. he would have preferred to stay at home and kept his wages , that was not acceptable to me if he would not follow very basic rules. I have the right to live in peace in the home I pay for ....

You are also being the better parent, nudging him out of the nest at the right time, to enable him to become a real adult. There's a crisis known as 'failure to launch; in which children in their 20s and 30s return to the family home and stay put without fully embracing adulthood. It's a huge problem. I have deep sympathy for the generation that has been handed sky high rents and very insecure working conditions but equally - we lived in poverty, in run down places with ice inside the windows and walls crumbling in rather than live with our parents. We were prepared to put up with physical hardship and very little money for fun and clothes, just to have our freedom. I think the twenty-somethings who learn to do this might thrive better than those who don't.

He was pt at college and pt working ( this was pre covid) . He moved to a room in a flat close to college, I supplemented his rent, and his wages paid for him to live. Not really that complicated is it

Not complicated? It’s impossible when one of us has lost a job because business crashed because of covid. The other is on reduced hours and reduced pay WFH because of covid. DD has to attend college for an extra year because of Covid!

Nice you can live in an ideal world where you can pay to have your DS from under your feet. Not everyone Is in the same position!

My other 3 children worked their way thru university and paid for themselves once their courses were finished and in a position to obtain full time jobs. DD is full time in college (or placement). She works 2 evenings a week. She earns £50. If you can tell me how she can pay rent, utility bills, clothes, food etc on £50 a week im all ears because we are struggling with the basics of our own expenses at moment!

I have 4 adult children. All have been respectful and kind to me. 3 went to Uni and moved out, except for coming home for the holidays. They all got a job and paid for their own homes.

Good for you! That unfortunately is not the case for everyone. I parented both my children the same way. One has been brilliant and lovely. One has been brilliant until about 2 years ago.
Could I have done things differently? Possibly. However, I firmly believe some young adults find the transition from childhood to adulthood difficult. For a great many reasons and sometimes they just need their own space to work that out. Sometimes, parents need to facilitate them having that space so they too can have a better life. That’s ok.

So while it’s great to condemn families who find this period tricky to negotiate it’s neither helpful or particularly relevant to this chat.

We are all doing our best. Sometimes that best involves a bit of space and distance.

@ThisMarleyisNotaLabrador

He was pt at college and pt working ( this was pre covid) . He moved to a room in a flat close to college, I supplemented his rent, and his wages paid for him to live. Not really that complicated is it

Not complicated? It’s impossible when one of us has lost a job because business crashed because of covid. The other is on reduced hours and reduced pay WFH because of covid. DD has to attend college for an extra year because of Covid!

Nice you can live in an ideal world where you can pay to have your DS from under your feet. Not everyone Is in the same position!

My other 3 children worked their way thru university and paid for themselves once their courses were finished and in a position to obtain full time jobs. DD is full time in college (or placement). She works 2 evenings a week. She earns £50. If you can tell me how she can pay rent, utility bills, clothes, food etc on £50 a week im all ears because we are struggling with the basics of our own expenses at moment!

You seem very hostile @ThisMarleyisNotaLabrador. I said this was pre Covid. Since then my son lost his pt job, dropped out of College and was on UC for some time. Currently he is staying with an extended family member, has just got another job ...

Nothing about any of this was easy. It broke my heart to ask my eldest to leave home. It was very hard as a single parent ( also undermined by my ex H who wouldn't have any of the boys living with HIM ) to find my backbone and stand up for what I found acceptable, set my boundaries and enforce them. NONE of this was easy... but I was empathising with the OP and sharing my experience. I'm sorry if you take offense to my lived experience, but I think that says more about you than it does about me.

@logincard

I’m pretty sure that if OP had the means to pay for alternative accommodation she would have done it. And so would I. That would be the easiest way out.

Pre covid was a completely different world to the world we are living in now.

And for the posters who think adult children are still living with their parents because they cannot bear the thought of their little cherubs growing up. Absolutely not in my case. DD can’t wait to move out and I can’t wait for her to move out either. Unfortunately adults have to be financially responsible for themselves which is difficult when they are full time students or because there are no jobs about.

*Intothevoid

??

My post was in response to another poster who seems to think that my adult DD causing problems living at home is as a result of her parenting. I was stating a point that my other 3 dc didn’t cause any problem - all parented by me. Maybe you should have read the whole post.

Totally unacceptable behaviour.

I have 2 adult sons and I’m shocked by the OP.

It’s nothing to do with your ex (at this point). Lay down some serious rules and a cut off point for their moving out.

25! I was married and had a child by that point.