I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

Just out of curiosity, when you first witnessed the way your husband and his brothers treat their mother, did you make it clear to him that you would never, ever accept that behaviour in your home? It's obviously up to your MIL how she arranges her own life. If she's happy with this sort of existence, that's up to her. (I think it sounds horrendous myself.) But it certainly sounds as though he is trying to repeat the same pattern with you.

This abusive, entitled pig isn't going to change just because you have a word.

If he ever loved you, at some point he fell out of love and into contempt and abuse.

You cannot stay married to him.

Don't move out and don't go away for the weekend.

Get information about his salary and outgoings etc. Part of his abuse is keeping this a secret.

Tell him you want him to move out. If you haven't got the nerve to say you are filing for divorce then tell him it's a "trial separation".

Please, please assure me and all of us that you aren't having sex with this abuser.

Do you have somewhere to go? Parents? Friends?

I’m staying because it’s easiest and I don’t want to upset everyone.
Especially my dc.
And I’d be poor.
It’s a combination of factors.
And I’ve been with him 20 years nearly. I’ve no experience of anything else.
I veer between thinking I should leave now and thinking I need to wait until dd is older and gets a say in things.
She made a Father’s Day card at school today. She put it to my dad - her grandad. She said ‘I thought, you know, my dad isn’t around much, he’s either in bed or at golf, so I thought you know, grandad does things with me and takes me places.’
Dh will go mad if he finds out.

The short term upheaval of splitting up is harder but the long term is easier. Trust me. I know

Not sure your Dd can say it any louder and clearer that her "Dad" is a waste of space!!!

You are not alone. I just saw this on Quora.

Shame you can't find this other mother and move in together, and let your husbands live together -- in squalor!

He obviously values his time above yours. And he's been taught to be entitled to do that, which is going to be almost impossible for you to get him to see. He needs to want to do more himself and that's not going to happen.

If you do stay, I would be using that salary to pay for every bit of help I could - like a cleaner who will also do the laundry. You can't go on like this. Use his money to pay for the work he won't do.

Ok so nothing will change?

If I want a cleaner I will have to pay it out of what I earn.
The best he will do is go halves he says.

I believe I will leave at some point, I get close and then back away from the edge. It’s dd, she pulls at my heartstrings.

Who would be upset if you split up? Obviously not your DD. Would you consider talking about your problems with your parents? You never know they might be waiting for you to say something and will be supportive . My best friend was terrified to tell her parents she was leaving her husband, the first thing they said was, Good!

She’d be upset because she could potentially be with him half the time and the whole thing would be incredibly unpleasant. His entire family will come down hard, look what his mother is like. I will be the horrible villain and they won’t hold back to my dc about it.

Otoh he told me I looked ‘sexy’ in my dress today and then stood making squeezing orange type gestures with both hands and then he thrust his groin towards me saying he’d ‘like a piece of that.’
I don’t care for this either. This makes me want out more than the rest of it possibly.

Gosh the apathy is hard to read.

How do you manage to sleep with him? You must be full of resentment.

@Treasurechestnerd

Otoh he told me I looked ‘sexy’ in my dress today and then stood making squeezing orange type gestures with both hands and then he thrust his groin towards me saying he’d ‘like a piece of that.’ I don’t care for this either. This makes me want out more than the rest of it possibly.

Do you know...I can't even make fun of this. I normally would, such low hanging fruit, but coupled with everything else...How has this colossal prick reached this level in life? How has the twat not been eaten yet?

@Treasurechestnerd

I’m staying because it’s easiest and I don’t want to upset everyone. Especially my dc. And I’d be poor. It’s a combination of factors. And I’ve been with him 20 years nearly. I’ve no experience of anything else. I veer between thinking I should leave now and thinking I need to wait until dd is older and gets a say in things. She made a Father’s Day card at school today. She put it to my dad - her grandad. She said ‘I thought, you know, my dad isn’t around much, he’s either in bed or at golf, so I thought you know, grandad does things with me and takes me places.’ Dh will go mad if he finds out.

And whose fault would he make it?

I suppose I am apathetic, I can’t see any way out of this.
I don’t earn a huge amount, certainly nothing like he does. I had a proper career pre dc but now although my job is fairly demanding it doesn’t pay terribly well. I earn about £1,500 a month. It’s not very much really. From September my pay should go up to £1,600 a month but it’s still not a lot. I can’t see how I will afford to live.

@Treasurechestnerd

I suppose I am apathetic, I can’t see any way out of this. I don’t earn a huge amount, certainly nothing like he does. I had a proper career pre dc but now although my job is fairly demanding it doesn’t pay terribly well. I earn about £1,500 a month. It’s not very much really. From September my pay should go up to £1,600 a month but it’s still not a lot. I can’t see how I will afford to live.

Wouldn’t he pay maintenance?

If he gets them 50/50 he won’t have to.
Which means he will have £150k a year to my £18k.
I understand I’m an adult and I need to look after myself though. I’m not his problem.

I’d never be able to afford a mortgage etc.

Do you have assets?

I don’t know much about this but maybe ask on here more specifically how to divorce

Do you really think he is going to want a 50/50 arrangement? Highly unlikely, I would think. As for his family's reaction, it might be unpleasant. But surely that isn't a reason to stay in a miserable situation.

Of course splitting up when children are involved is something to think long and hard about. But do you really want to continue this existence? If you want to change something, then you have to put the wheels in motion. Otherwise nothing will change. As they say, if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

Okay, you're going to stay.
Don't bother whingeing on here, then.

Your children probably won't think much of that decision when they find out, in later years.

the definition of daft is doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting a different result

a few pointers -

stop ironing. very few clothes actually need ironing these days and once you wear them the creases drop out.

have a meal plan for the week so there is no excuse that he doesnt know what to cook if he wants to. include a couple of nights of 'mum free' meals. Get ready meals for the kids and you. Ask him does he want you to get him one to do for himself on your nights off.

put a set of plate/cutlery etc for you and the smallest away somewhere. only wash them. the 12yr old can wash her own dishes and dad can too. they might decide to a rota when they have nothing to use.

is this how you would want your daughter to live in the future? she is learning thats what she should expect. Teach her not to expect it.

make an appointment for relate. Give him the info too. that might be a jolt.

does he control the money? if he does, on top of the behaviour above then this is definitely coersive control and if he doesnt change pretty quickly you can call your local domestic violence advise charity [the council will have the details] and get support from them to move him on.

I think he will want a 50/50 arrangement because he won’t have to pay anything and his family will encourage him to do that.

I’m not just whinging, I feel trapped. Mumsnet always say LTB and I know I should, but IRL it’s not that easy. I step up close to it and then back away.