I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

Unfortunately, some mothers absolutely believe it is women’s duty (and pleasure) to do everything for their ‘men’ - their sons then turn out like this. My ex father in law was amazed when I said I was tired getting up every night - as he genuinely understood it - ‘it’s natural for women’ - their men had steak whilst women had a cheaper cut etc. It was resolved by leaving the husband for me. So sad (and angry) when I see women my age - 50s - are still clearly perpetuating this fallacy - it’s almost a matter of pride that you can look after the men 🙈

It is difficult to explain to someone so entrenched in these beliefs and harder to implement changes. Would counselling help? Any way at all to get through to him that this is not acceptable or normal? You can stay as is but you will always be exhausted and fed up just doing everything to suit him - some days not as bad as others but your one life essentially there to service another person’s needs. Good luck OP.

MsJinks this is how dh’s family are. The women all work too but the men are told they need their ‘relaxation time’ on the golf course and are fawned over - mainly by my MiL who is the matriarch. It’s very much - men need time to drink and have time for themselves, women must run the house and look after the children.
Pre pandemic she’d have big family gatherings and the men would all be lying on the sofa or floor with sport on the tv whilst she ran around behind them. She has three (adult and in their 40s / 50s) sons. One of which is my DH. And she also has six adult grandsons.
They say ‘get me a drink mum’ or ‘when’s my sandwich coming mum’ and she just does it.

There’s often nothing offered to the women.

You don't have access to the joint finances?
Book an appointment with a solicitor!! Honestly I think you would be so much better off without him. Just you and the kids. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a maid and you are providing that for him.
Just stop!!!

No it's not normal "for women" to have to do it all. It's normal for you because your husband abuses you.

I remember your previous thread where you were advised to leave your DH by loss of posters. Why haven't you?

There's really nothing else anyone can say to you, until you confront and are honest about why you have stayed.

Because OP, although his abuse of you is the root cause here, you have martyred yourself at times. Standing vomiting at the side of a football pitch is absurd. You were too sick to take your child to football, end of story, and it wouldn't have killed him to have a break from football until you were doing better. You've brought into this relationship your own dysfunctional patterns and I suspect you won't be able to move forward until you've looked at some of that.

If you don't do anything else, talk to Women's Aid and get yourself some of your own counselling.

Because OP, although his abuse of you is the root cause here, you have martyred yourself at times.

This. You have enable this man alot. Op one day your kids will look back and blame you as well for growing up in such an environment. Because you are both responsible for modeling a healthy relationship and home environment. The sad thing is you know full well you won't be leaving.

Op one day your kids will look back and blame you as well for growing up in such an environment. Because you are both responsible for modeling a healthy relationship and home environment. The sad thing is you know full well you won't be leaving.

This.

OP can you not see the harm you're doing to your kids by staying in this relationship and perpetuating this dynamic?

You don't seem willing to engage with anyone about actually leaving him. You've said you'll tell him how you feel but the whole existence of this thread is down to the fact you've done that before and he didn't care enough to change things.

He's happy with how things are and he doesn't believe you'll leave him. I'm starting to think he's right?

Which would be just down to you and only affect you, if you had no kids. But you do. And you're showing them that this is how men and women should treat each other in a relationship. Can you live with that? I couldn't.

As is often the case with these threads, the more you post about him the worse he sounds.

I'm not going to start telling you that any of this is your fault, OP, because it won't help you find your anger and your motivation to leave.

All you need to keep in mind is that NONE of his behaviour is EVER going to change. He has been brought up this way - your perfectly reasonable expectations of what a marriage should be are utterly alien to him. And yes, the kids will be learning lots from this dynamic, none of it good.

No amount of lists, weekends away, cleaners, etc are going to change anything. This is who he is. So, again, you only have two options here. Put up with it, or leave. It really is that simple.

OP why won't you answer the question?

Why do you stay?

I had one of those. I divorced him in the end. So much better!

Why are you staying with him? He sounds terrible in every way. He doesn't care about you and is financially abusive. No wonder he is like this though from your description of his family. Mummy has brought them all up to be spoiled entitled Princes.

Sounds like you’d be 💯 better off on your own. What are his positive points ?

Wow. I would not have let him get away with this. I know that’s not helpful. But you are doing too much and something has to give, maybe stop doing certain jobs and insist they are his to do.

Have you thought about getting a cleaner and someone to do your ironing, a gardener, also online food deliveries? I know it's not the answer and your husband should do more but if he won't perhaps paying for the help might make your life easier.

This was wildly frustrating to read. Why are you being such a martyr? My mum was like you, exactly like you. My dad was exactly like your husband and he and his brothers used to lie on the couch as adults and ask their mother to fetch them drinks, she'd also make each of her four sons whatever individual dinner they wanted - every day!! If you witnessed this before you married him then what did you think would happen? These men think women are there to serve.

Sorry I know I'm being harsh as your situation is rather triggering for me as I can't explain the frustration I felt at my mother for tolerating this level of disrespect from my dad. Honestly even though it wasn't her fault it made me think less of her. She eventually divorced him (you're just delaying the inevitable) as we pushed her to do it when we were teens. A lot of damage was done by then though. I have even less respect for my pig of a father and we're NC now. I would say the best option is to leave ASAP while your self respect can be salvaged and while your DC still admire and look up to you. Stop posting about it and start acting. You've literally said zero has changed by talking to him. NOTHING is going to change him.

Two options:

1. Leave a build a happy life for yourself
2. Accept your role as the family skivvy

Those are your choices. Pick one...

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

There's really nothing else anyone can say to you, until you confront and are honest about why you have stayed.

Because OP, although his abuse of you is the root cause here, you have martyred yourself at times. Standing vomiting at the side of a football pitch is absurd. You were too sick to take your child to football, end of story, and it wouldn't have killed him to have a break from football until you were doing better. You've brought into this relationship your own dysfunctional patterns and I suspect you won't be able to move forward until you've looked at some of that.

If you don't do anything else, talk to Women's Aid and get yourself some of your own counselling.

I agree with all of this post.

Look within yourself to find out why you feel the need to martyr yourself so destructively.

He married a maid. Just leave. Give him an ultimatum a d if he doesn't step up, hire help or leave. 50/50 care will be fun to watch

PP's saying OP is martyring herself are spot on.

Well you’re just his mum now aren’t you?

Running after him whilst he lies around. And you’re modelling this behaviour to your own children, so they’ll perpetuate the cycle. Is that really what you want for them?

Find that fire in your belly (easier said than done when you’re exhausted I know) and leave him.

Take a week off work (you can self certify for 7 days so don’t need to see a GP) and catch up on some sleep. When you feel more refreshed sit him down and tell him you want a divorce. He can go to his mum’s. Life won’t be easy, but it’ll be easier than it is now. And his mega salary will cushion the blow. Divorce will force him to become financially open, and you’ll get what you and the children deserve.

OP. This is completely untenable. You are not your family's servant. No woman is.

If I were you, I would go away for a week - in fact, maybe two. Either find an Air BNB, or if you can't afford that, stay with a friend or a relative. Do NOT take the kids. Leave him to fend for himself with them. Obviously tell him you're going, but don't leave any instructions about anything. Just let him fucking we'll get on with it. Why shouldn't he? He's just as much their latent and one of two household adults.

Spend the time relaxing, enjoying yourself, and thinking about what YOU want. You deserve to be happy.

This is in no way your fault, but we need to stop enabling the men in our lives to be fucking useless bastards. To coin a phrase, take back control. Life is for goddamn living!

Latent? Parent! Latent parent works though

You don't have to live this life if you don't want to. Something is causing you to accept the status quo. Is it inertia? Fear of the unknown? A desire to feel needed? There is a reason of some sort.

If this thread is just a place to vent and you don't really want to change things, fair enough. But if you do want to create a different life for yourself, you absolutely can. That doesn't mean it will be easy. But it would have to be better than an existence in which you feel miserable as you martyr yourself and your husband has no respect for you.

Just read your updates from today OP.

He won’t change because his mother has raised him to believe that a decent woman will do everything for him.

If you don’t stand up for yourself your own children will think this is acceptable. And so the problem continues for another generation.

Please, please think about yourself and your children. It doesn’t need to be like this.

I stopped doing his laundry. Now he takes it all to his mother’s.

Oh ffs.

I've read all your posts, OP, so it's clear why he is the way he is, and equally clear that he isn't going to change. I couldn't let someone I loved get run ragged and in tears with exhaustion and ignore them when they asked me for help. It's not love. It's almost the opposite. It shows absolute contempt and exploitation.