I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

You would have more money if you left @Treasurechestnerd, as he’d have to pay child support. You’d also be eligible for various benefits.

It doesn’t sound like DD would see less of her dad…

Please do speak to a solicitor about what you would be entitled to in a divorce, you might be surprised how much of a settlement you’d get!

A lot of men might make noises about wanting a 50/50 arrangement, but the reality is often quite different.

As for finances, surely you would be entitled to at least half of the marital assets?

Tell him to make his own bloody appointment he's a grown-up and you are not his mother ffs, then tell him in no uncertain terms he either shapes up or ships out. For all the use he is you may as well be on your own with the DC and at least you'll get a break EOW when they stay with him.

Based on what you've said about him, I really can't see him asking for 50:50, unless he palms them off on his mum for his share of the time. So many things jump out that are awful to read, like you not having access to the shared finances. Also, what kind of man lets his young DC go to breakfast club before a long school day because he can't be arsed to get out of bed to take them in at normal time? He's not just a terrible husband, he's a terrible dad.

what a vile person. I'm so desperately sorry for you being treated with such contempt by your 'partner'. Please find a way to get out, your self esteem must be on the floor.

That is why a shit hot lawyer is key to you leaving.

He has financially abused you.

You have sacrificed your career.

A good divorce lawyer will help you get a decent settlement.

Get your hands on any and all paperwork while you gather yourself.

I spent 5 years telling myself 'just wait until DC is a bit older' before I finally left my XH.

My fears were the same as yours...matriarchal MIL, family who I suspected would thrown resources at the legal system for X to some out smelling of roses, 50/50 childcare, struggling financially.

Eventually his behaviour began to impact our DD and I left.

His family didn't back him financially. I thought at a minimum his parents would offer to buy me out of the marital home, but we had to sell it.

I got a 55% share and could have gone for more. He sees DD twice a week, I could count on the fingers of one and the number of times she's stayed with him in the last 5 years.

I have got a full time job and with my settlement and a little help from my parents a managed to buy us a little house with a manageable mortgage.

It's not always been easy,but it's always been better than the alternative...staying put.

At least try and get yourself to see a solicitor and get some benefits advice so you have a clearer picture of what like might look like for you on the other side of this marriage.

You deserve to be respected and you deserve to be happy.

Your wage is similar to most people’s so although you are used to living on a lot more and it would be a big adjustment but I’d rather that than live with someone who treats me like a maid.

I’d be happy for him to have 50/50 care as then he’d have to pull his weight but I can almost guarantee that he will threaten it but will actually end up having them a lot less which then you’d be able to apply for CMS.

I don’t want him to have 50/50 for the dc’s sake. They would HATE it.

@Treasurechestnerd

I cannot make him. I have stood, crying because I’m so tired (sorry, I know it’s pathetic) in the kitchen whilst ironing and he’s come in to get himself a drink and then just gone back into the other room. I have told him I can’t keep on like this. When he stuck his head in the kitchen this evening and asked me to phone the dentist to make an appointment for him when I ‘get a minute’ tomorrow I could have throttled him.

Tell him to make his own dentist appointment. That’s one thing he ‘cannot make’ you do. You’re not his secretary.

Is he unwell? depressed?
Does he actually understand how serious this is?

How many hours does he work? Would he even be able to cope juggling work and childcare?
I don’t know of any dad that has 50/50 care but some of them threaten it to get a reaction. Those that do have 50/50 care is usually because they’re already are a large part of the DCs life so it’s a mutual decision between mum and dad.

Of course it seems overwhelming. It’s so easy for us to sit here and say it, but we’re not living your experience.

What so many other posters say is so, so relevant to break down though. Key points to remember as you start to move towards the confidence to leave

You know that you don’t want your DC’s to grow up thinking this is a healthy relationship and repeating the situation

You will not have to survive on your salary. Even if your DH went for 50/50, you are still entitled to a huge chunk of the marital assets to help provide for you and the DC

He might want 50/50 because it means he pays less maintenance, but can he actually manage it? Will he need to pay for childcare or a housekeeper? Will he be able to convince a court he will be around enough to look after them 50/50?

He can make it sound like you’ll have to walk away with nothing and have to give up the kids 50/50 but it’s not that simple

@Treasurechestnerd

I don’t want him to have 50/50 for the dc’s sake. They would HATE it.

He does nothing now, why do you think he would want 50:50?

Do you really think he'll start getting up at 6:30am, do school runs, cook, clean, activities, bedtimes and give up golf? Don't be ridiculous. He does 0% of that now. He's not going to do 100% of that for half the month if you leave.

I understand that it seems better to stay because of the sheer effort in splitting and the worries about children and finances. Don't fool yourself that staying is better for the DC though. Your DD's comment re the Father's Day card is telling and extremely sad.

He may say he wants 50/50 care but this seems highly unlikely based on what you have written. He can't be bothered to do a single thing for the children now nor any housework or admin. relating to their care.The children (certainly your older one) will have views on this that may well be taken into account. CAFCASS get involved often with family problems and can interview the children.
You would be entitled to child benefit as a minimum
It seems likely that you would be aware >50% of the marital assets. presumably there must be assets with his high salary.

It sounds as if your dad is involved regularly. Do you have good support from parents/ other family members/ good friends?

@sadperson16- have you read the OP's posts? I'm surprised you come to the conclusion that he might be depressed.

Op, I had a very similar situation to you and came away with a very good financial settlement including joint lives spousal maintenance (now capitalised) as the difference between our incomes was so large. The courts assess you on needs, they don't expect you to scape by on £18k whilst he lives high on the hog. You need to be housed and your ongoing living expenses covered. You may get a larger portion of equity as you won't be able to afford a mortgage. Child maintenance is a separate payment and you can apply at any time if he decides to go for 50/50 which is unlikely and unsustainable from what you have posted.

If I were you I would get a one off session with a direct access barrister. Not cheap, mine cost £600 but worth every penny. Knowledge is power. They will be able to tell you the likely outcome if it were to go to court. You will need to get as much info on his income, any savings, house equity and pensions. Starr looking. I think you may be very surprised at the indicated settlement and it may spur you on to get out of this horrible marriage.

And my ex did the whole Disney dad thing, recruited all and sundry against me. My daughter no longer sees him as he quickly moved on to his next victim (second wife). Selfish husbands are also selfish fathers and children come to their own conclusions. Your daughter's fathers day card says it all.

I do feel for you @Treasurechestnerd and understand why you don't want to leave your DC with him 50% of the time. He's vile. I suppose if you're staying then you need to change the way you live. Take the advice given here about the housework, home admin etc. He treats you like a servant not a wife so no 'wifey' stuff from now on. The sexy comment would get a big 'fuck off' from me. You might feel better if you have some control.

@Dacquoise

Op, I had a very similar situation to you and came away with a very good financial settlement including joint lives spousal maintenance (now capitalised) as the difference between our incomes was so large. The courts assess you on needs, they don't expect you to scape by on £18k whilst he lives high on the hog. You need to be housed and your ongoing living expenses covered. You may get a larger portion of equity as you won't be able to afford a mortgage. Child maintenance is a separate payment and you can apply at any time if he decides to go for 50/50 which is unlikely and unsustainable from what you have posted.

If I were you I would get a one off session with a direct access barrister. Not cheap, mine cost £600 but worth every penny. Knowledge is power. They will be able to tell you the likely outcome if it were to go to court. You will need to get as much info on his income, any savings, house equity and pensions. Starr looking. I think you may be very surprised at the indicated settlement and it may spur you on to get out of this horrible marriage.

Great post!

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe, thank you. I think it's fear of the future that may be holding her back. I see a lot of posts on here about spousal maintenance not being awarded now. It is. They like to put a time limit on it but it's a complete fallacy that the spouses of high earners get to live on peanuts which keeps them trapped in these marriages.

Do you have any family who will support you if you leave your DH either emotionally/practically/financially?

I would definitely get some professional advice as your assumptions on your financial position if you split up and on how much time the children will be with DH may be incorrect.

@Treasurechestnerd

If he gets them 50/50 he won’t have to. Which means he will have £150k a year to my £18k. I understand I’m an adult and I need to look after myself though. I’m not his problem.

I haven't read any further but this is WRONG!!

please see a solicitor (some do free half hours).

I was in a very similar financial situation to you with my ex. He would need to give you spousal maintenance to make up for your lost career. That is exactly what has JUST now happened to me. I get over £1k per month in spousal.