I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

Oh come on OP, you just need to leave this awful man. At least then you'll have EOW as a break.

Get out of there woman and stop being such a martyr. Why are you doing his ironing (crying?!), why are you making him appointments, why are you putting his washing in? Just stop.

It's not about enabling him. It's about what YOU can change - that's just you. Not him. Either you accept this or you walk. I think that's the stark choice. Your dc is 12? You've been in this relationship for at least 12 years. They are seeing this as their model of a relationship. You can only change yourself. Just walk.

You don't need his permission to stop running yourself into the ground. You don't need his permission to put yourself first for a change. You don't need his permission to leave when you are unhappy.

He will never be who you need him to be.

I really think you should call Women's Aid. Not to make any changes right now but to talk it through with someone. See what your options are, what help is available. Seek therapy if it helps you. I left because therapy gave me a sliver of self worth and respect. I was never going to maintain that living with someone who so blatantly watched me fall apart.

Haven't read the full thread yet but yikes! That's horrible... he's a lazy slob! He could at least do the dinner every day and wash up

I really think you should call Women's Aid. Not to make any changes right now but to talk it through with someone. See what your options are, what help is available. Seek therapy if it helps you. I left because therapy gave me a sliver of self worth and respect. I was never going to maintain that living with someone who so blatantly watched me fall apart

Agree with this. I'd also ask them about The Freedom Programme.

He sounds like a disgusting misogynist op.

Divorce him, take him to the cleaners and request spousal maintenance.

One option, if you can’t face divorce just yet (although I hope you’re getting your ducks in a row) is to outsource. Your time is also valuable and is better spent on things that matter. That means getting a cleaner in twice a week - once for cleaning, once for ironing. A gardener/handyman once a month to mow the lawn and cover any maintenance. He’ll have to find the money as the alternative is divorce, and that’s a lot more expensive.

OP you sound so tired and your DH sounds like really inconsiderate and abusive (financially and in terms of knowing there have been times when you're sick and tired and allowing you to continue).

Presumably you're married as you say DH, and will be entitled to some money/share of the home and maintenance money for the kids. You need to seek legal advice about what you're entitled to so you have a back up plan.

You need to ask for access to the money so that in the interim whilst you speak to DH and decide what you want to do moving forwards, you can fund a cleaner and maybe some food delivery type service.

Don't show your children that it's okay to treat their mum this way and be inconsiderate of her needs and health.

Make an easy tea for the kids, let them get to bed, and have a bath and a relax while you think it through.

You can't change him but you could change the locks. Or, even more satisfying, hide the car keys so he can't go and play golf

Well if your DH went away for a weekend suddenly on their own, when it was very out of character you’d probably think it a bit odd?

No, I'd be jumping for joy at a weekend to myself at home. I wish my DH would go away for a weekend, by himself or with friends!

I’ve had one night away since my oldest dc was born.

So you are long overdue another one.

I don’t have access to the joint finances.

How are they joint then? This sounds more and more worrying and I also think you should ring Women's Aid or similar for advise.

I don’t have access to the joint finances

That's not ok. 😡

I was married to a man like this and wrote a lot of similar posts at the time - nothing ever changed!! We divorced for many reasons and this probably wasn't actually one them... (although it should have been!!) but what I can say is that my life is so much easier, clean and happier these days. The burden of all that cooking and cleaning was even greater than I'd imagined!

On the phone to his mother last night -
Her: you didn’t bring much washing down this week, you’ll have to get Treasure to do some
Him: she’s already done a few bits for me this week.
Her: see, she can do it! Why doesn’t she do it all the time then?
Him: because you like doing it.

I give up. His mother also refers to him ‘babysitting’ on the odd occasion he has the dc without me. There’s no hope. There’s no recognition of the fact I’m working too, it’s all just on me all the time.
I frequently feel that for women having it all just means doing it all.

Why are you staying?

What exactly is stopping you from leaving?

You don't have access to the joint finances???? I'm sorry OP but you sound like a complete doormat. You are allowing him to ride roughshod over you, treat you like a maid and he doesn't give two shits about your tears.
Get your own bank account set up NOW in your name only and get your salary paid into it then serve him with surprise divorce papers.
Fuck him.
The reason he allows you no access to joint funds is because he knows you will not be able to see a solicitor without funds. The very first thing you should be doing is getting your own account set up.

It seems you want to vent here, but not take action at home?

It's clear he regards you as staff rather than a partner. He will not change.

His mother sounds as awful as your H.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see your mother being treated like you are now?.

Ask yourself why you have remained with this individual to date; is fear, of him, fear of the unknown and money worries (to name but three) all working against you here?. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Would you want your DC to be in a relationship like this?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either.

He's financially abusive as well? 😪

I'd be putting his golf clubs on ebay if only to stop me battering him with one.

He won't change op unless there are consequences.

Divorce him. But first get a cleaner that he pays for.

@Treasurechestnerd

On the phone to his mother last night - Her: you didn’t bring much washing down this week, you’ll have to get Treasure to do some Him: she’s already done a few bits for me this week. Her: see, she can do it! Why doesn’t she do it all the time then? Him: because you like doing it.

I give up. His mother also refers to him ‘babysitting’ on the odd occasion he has the dc without me. There’s no hope. There’s no recognition of the fact I’m working too, it’s all just on me all the time.
I frequently feel that for women having it all just means doing it all.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking 'for women......'.

This is NOT NORMAL. Your situation is NOT NORMAL.

Your husband is taking his laundry back to his mothers, for goodness sake.

Please, please, seek some advice on how to detach from this financially and emotionally abusive man.

Well done op.
You ve recognised there's no hope. You're correct.
Stage 2 - GET A BLOOMIN DIVORCE.

www.gov.uk/divorce/apply-for-decree-nisi

Are you finding this thread helpful at all? He's obviously a shit, but what are you going to do about it?

I frequently feel that for women having it all just means doing it all.

No I wouldn’t say this is normal or like this.

What will you do?

Please don't feel we're getting at you here op. It's the absolute opposite. We're rooting for you to get a better life for yourself and your children.