I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

If your dh earns 150k a year and you have 2 dc's, if he has them eow and during half of school holidays he'll be paying 1333 per month! Add that to child benefit, reduced council tax etc you'll be able to buy your dc trainers and then some.

You say he'll go for 50/50, he can't book his own dentist appointment, how do you think he'll cope with the dc, work and golf! Tell him to take you to court for 50/50. My ex said the same but when reality hit he didn't

WTAF !!!

One of the conditions of me going back to work and increasing hours was that I’d pay the childcare

This is disgraceful! Why doesn't he pay for childcare, why is it all your responsibility? He works therefor, by his reasoning, HE should pay childcare too

What an insecure, disgusting little turd.
You deserve so much more OP

the title of this is you nearly at the end of your tether, why are you defending his abuse of you and your children?

Leave.

I just want to let you know you are not alone. Unfortunately I don't think it is extremely uncommon. My life is very similar to yours, although I only have one child and substitute his golf for cycling and running.
Reading this thread makes me realise the men have got it bloody good, and won't change. Why should they?! There is no incentive.
I hope you are strong enough to one day walk away and make a better life for you and your children. For complex financial/family reasons I can't LTB for the foreseeable future but I keep it at the back of my mind knowing I will one day and I don't loose sight of it.
Your husband and my partner and the men who do this are selfish entitled bastards but they do not define us and no matter how they try to break us we are made of strong stuff and don't have to put up with this treatment forever.

OP you’ve started multiple threads under various names about how rubbish your life is because of your kids. Many people have told you over and over that your kids aren’t the problem, your entitled horrible shit of a husband is the problem. Nothing will get better until you find the strength to leave him.

You and your kids deserve to be happy. Your kids deserve a mum who doesn’t wish that they didn’t exist. Just take the steps you need to take, one by one, until you are free. Stop finding reasons why you can’t do this. Life will be awful until you do.

Bloody hell OP this is financial and emotional abuse with bells on. You are married and your finances are joint. He cannot ‘say no’ to you claiming CB, and he cannot ‘make it a condition’ that you cover childcare.

ANYWAY, I don’t think that you would be especially badly off if you split. After 20 years you would be entitled to half the house I think, plus a share of pensions and other assets. He is unlikely to get 50/50 custody given your childcare situation right now, they will also take the kids views into account.

What you need to do is gather all the financial info you can - he’s probably got paper copies of bank accounts, tax returns, pensions, house, savings. Get everything - and go make an appointment with a solicitor.

They will give you an idea of what money you can get and you can make your plans from there.

It is not good for your kids to be raised thinking that men can be financially and emotionally abusive to women. And it is destroying you.

You life could be so much better than this.

So, to clarify, your children need new trainers and your husband has approx £10,000 disposable income per month, given your mortgage is paid, and he won't pay for them?
That's £500 per day to spend on himself.
And you don't think that's abusive.

Please please see a solicitor. Information gather. You can do this all whilst staying with him. In fact, it's probably better to do it this way round before he suspects and starts moving money about. He should have possibly in to the millions in savings/pensions by now. You will get at least half.

You don't need to do the scary divorce step yet. That can wait, whilst you gather information.

I'd be more worried about your kids growing up thinking this is how you treat women. Especially your boys. Mums do everything. Dads do nothing. Your poor daughter doesn't even think he's "dad" enough to get a card on father's day. You're not really doing anything different than his mother does. You're just letting him carry on passing on his responsibilities to women. You're not actually protecting them or teaching them anything by staying like this.

Can you see this OP? You haven't seemed to take on board the damage this dynamic is doing your children and how it will likely affect their long term relationships as adults.

You say you 'wish' he would have an affair, presumably as you would then feel able to and the relationship?

Why would him cheating be reason enough to leave but providing a more healthy environment for your children to grow up in not be reason enough?

You will be fine financially if you leave, you're in an better position than the vast majority of women leaving arseholes like your husband and you should take advantage of that and start proceedings.

This is such an unfair way for your kids to learn about relationships and outdated, offensive, unnecessary gender roles.

@Treasurechestnerd

One of the conditions of me going back to work and increasing hours was that I’d pay the childcare. It would be unreasonable of me to pay for nothing from my wages because I can afford to do so.

I did wonder about offsetting his pension for a greater share of the house - it’s mortgage free.

Oh come on op

You have a marital asset that will be shared

I don’t understand your position. Go back to the solicitor and stop dropping what he’s doing. We know he’s bad, everyone has told you. Why drag it on

One thing you do need to know is that child maintenance is worked out on taxable income, not gross, unfortunately. So, if hes putting thousands in to a pension (he probably is) that isn't included for cm. but, it is for asset split.
In mine, we did he kept his pension, I kept the house. It was roughly 50/50.

Work out what he 'probably' has been able to save over the years. Then when it comes to disclosure, you will know if he's lying.

Claim the CB, and leave your husband. As a single working mother there will be lots of support, financial and otherwise for you.
You're living separate lives and you do everything anyway, so what's the difference? Just one less person to clear up after, one less load of laundry, less washing up, less stuff to deal with.
Why do you think it is easier to stay? It sounds awful.

Stop making appointments for him, he's not your child for god sake. Continue doing the laundry but don't do his, when he asks where his clean clothes are, throw them at him. Same with the dinner, cook for everyone but him. I know it's petty but asking him to help hasn't worked, so now show him what life is like without you. He sounds like a selfish prick. If that doesn't work then leave.your doing everything by yourself anyway at least if you separate you won't have to look at his lazy ass lying on the sofa

CLAIM CHILD BENEFIT BUT DECLINE THE PAYMENT

It is really important to still claim as this gives ensures you still get pension credits.

Go here If you choose to not get Child Benefit

He doesn’t want you to claim CB because he’ll have to pay it back via his wages.

Frankly, he should be ashamed of himself as he isn’t supporting his family. What is the point of the Disney Family if his children are basically living in virtual poverty? If he goes for 50:50 then he can buy new trainers etc as they will grow on his time! I don’t think for a second that 1) he’ll actually look after them as MIL will do that and 2) he won’t put his hand in his pocket as he will begrudgingly be paying CM (probably after a lot of arguing) so he will see it as you’re already “fleecing” him so why should he pay twice.

Find out as much financial information as you can without him knowing what you’re doing. You are entitled to your share of marital assets and will be much better off without him.

🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆

The greater good is not nice days out or trainers,its your mental health and what you are modeling to a small child and a nearly teen.
You sound overwhelmed, confused and low OP.
Please please please,find a professional to explore some of this with.
Do it today.

OP is working again now so her NI will be paid and the child benefit argument is fairly moot, unless/until she leaves. But there's no getting back the years of NI she missed as a SAHM, as far as I know.

He's not going to change.Being a lazy cunt has become ingrained.

She can make up the missed payments of NI to ensure she gets full state pension when she retires.

Why are the children following you round the house? Are they afraid?

@Dacquoise

She can make up the missed payments of NI to ensure she gets full state pension when she retires.

There's a limit on the number of years back you can go, IIRC, so it all depends on when she SAH, how long for, and when she stopped - and it will, of course, cost.

I hope you can find our what your NI situation is and make it as sound as possible for yourself, OP. And also that you get fucking angry. He deprived you of the ability to build a solid foundation for your future. Just because he could. Just to control you.

OP, you have a mortgage free property to split. I guarantee he has a massive pension on that sort of salary. You will get some of that. You will get child benefit. He will have to pay maintenance. There is NO WAY this kind of man would actually go through with 50/50 custody. He might say it at first, but then the reality would hit. He'll be an "every other Sunday" sort of dad and take them to his mums.

I really wouldn't be too worried about money.

I just checked, you can make up missed NI payments from the last six years.

NI contributions you made before having children are still counted of course. I took several years out and went back to work when my youngest was 1. I checked with DWP and found that I had paid half the necessary contributions before I even had my children. Once you get to about 30yrs worth anything after that makes no difference. So you may be closer than you think.

What makes you think he would get 50/50?

The courts would take the childrens wishes into consideration..how old are they?

He would have to pay you maintenance and you'll be entitled to half the house.

Have you seen a solicitor?