I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

Claim child support ffs and let him adjust his taxes accordingly. Stop being so passive about his atrocious behaviour

I think a counsellor would be helpful. Maybe you could work out some of this stuff and a route forward.

Its all very well saying leave the bastard but this is your life and the life of your family.

He said no to me claiming the child benefit.

I don’t mind paying for the dc stuff now I’m working and working more hours. I can’t afford to do so, and I want them to have nice clothes and shoes.
From my wages I pay approx
£200 food
£250 childcare
£150 petrol
£50 phone bill
£50 put away for the car insurance and car tax
£60 on clubs for the dc
£60 on ds lunch money

This still leaves me £600ish now my debt has been cleared which means I am able to save some money and if the dc need something I can get it without any bother. This makes me happy. Part of why I worry about leaving is I like being able to buy ds trainers if he needs them, or pay for a more expensive day out.
In the holidays my childcare are costs will go up to about £500 a month though.

Im sorry to be so direct but you are worrying about new trainers?

This makes no sense whatso ever.

Please do a bit of research to day and see a counsellor.
You may decide to leave or stay but at least you will have something for yourself and some clarity.

So what? He says no and you listen, to your detriment, but you say no and he ignores it? Claim the child benefit. Tell, don’t ask. Tell him it’s to pay for his children and the alternative is a joint bank account. Come on, stand up for yourself. Once you’ve done it once, it will become easier.

The CB pays your state pension contributions for the time you were not earning. He has deprived you of those.

(You are going to be financially better off of you leave him)

Do you feel you " owe " your children some how? Did you go without as a child?
Kids need more than trainers and days out.

You should not be paying child care costs!

I don’t think you’re recognising it but you are being abused.
It sounds like emotional and financial abuse.
The withholding of money while other people clothe his kids is abusive.
If I was in your shoes, I would engage again with Womens Aid, ask them to do a Dash Ric with you which is a risk assessment and get support from them.
Build up an evidence base, have you got any written evidence, bank statements from you, texts from him or your aunt that would evidence him not contributing financially.
Gather financial evidence of assets, his pension, savings, salary.
Then see a solicitor/barrister with the above for advice on what you would get.
You can do all this without splitting up, you don’t have to make a decision, it’s just to set it up incase you want to split.
If you split you can then go for a Child Arrangement Order which will sort out the residence and contact arrangement, with the above evidence you’ve collected its likely he won’t get 50/50, and the 12yr old will vote with his feet.
If you earn 18k, you would be eligible for Universal credit, a good amount of CMS, possible spousal maintenance, and a split of the marital assets.
You will be able to get a mortgage with this.
Even if you are ‘happy’ to stay for now, I would do the gathering evidence, financial and whatnot and have legal advice so you would know where you’d stand if you did split.
Fear of the future can make you frightened to act at all resulting in apathy, but knowledge is power and it might make things look less impossible.
Good luck.

Why on earth did he 'stop' you claiming child benefit???
I know you can't see it but he is very much controlling you. Hugely.
Put a stop to this one way or another. You've got to get assertive and state very clearly what IS going to happen and if he doesn't like it then he's on his own.
You owe this to your children as well as yourself.

I have just done a child maintenance calculation for your two children based on your husband's salary and him having them overnight once a week. It's £1,633.28 per month. As other pp have said how on earth is he going to justify 50/50 when he does nothing with his children now?

Add in your salary of £1,420 per month, add in child benefit, add in spousal maintenance and you would have more than enough to create a better life with your children. You would have money to spare.

You have more than enough evidence for a quick 'unreasonable behaviour' divorce ie no interaction with his own family, spends all his free time on golf, does not share family finances leaving your relatives to provide clothing for his children, uses his family to do his washing, emotionally abusive, makes lewd sexual comments to you.

You could move near your parents and rent while the finances and housing is sorted. Apply for interim maintenance through the court (make sure you don't undercalculate as it is likely to be the amount you end up with as overall maintenance).

I totally get that you are afraid, I was too and I had no job at the time but this awful man will have affected you emotionally. I ended up with cPTSD and stockholm syndrome, completely brainwashed by him and MY family. It will be affected your children too.

You have to do something as nothing is going to change for you here.

And ask for the spousal maintenance to be capitalised if you can. These sorts always drag you through court again to get back at you.

This was just too painful to read. Easily one of the worst posts I've ever read on here.

You need to see a solicitor. You need a separation agreement. You will have a large claim on his pension, which you will be able to take in cash from the house sale. This was my saving grace when I left my first H. You will also be entitled to more than 50% of the assets, because it was you that went part time to care for the children. You will also get child benefit plus a very large Child Maintenance payment every month from him.

I honestly didn't think that I could afford to leave my first H, until I saw a very lovely solicitor, who opened my eyes.

He won't want the kids 50/50, he's too lazy for that.

Please see a very good lawyer and see what all the figures look like.

So..... he earns £100k+ more than you a year, yet barely contributes to his own child? I'm not saying that your wages shouldn't be taken into account, but really? Abuse isn't just physical or mental you know. From what you say, he is neither of those. But, consciously or not, he IS financially abusing you. And your child.
In summer, then, you will have roughly £100 for yourself. ONE HUNDRED POUNDS. This is nothing. Where does all his money go?
Find out how much it would cost to get someone to do what you do, and then bill him.
As an aside, does he ever tell you he loves you, or shows you any affection? Any sign that you're just not the (unpaid) help?

I would also gather evidence of his salary and pension and keep it somewhere safe. If he lies to CMS about what he earns, you will have the proof.

Please please please pursue the 50% of his pension in hard cash. It will make all the difference.

They need trainers when their feet have grown.
Ds had gone up two sizes over lockdown.
I’m not talking about luxuries here, I’m talking about being able to buy him things he needs and not worrying about it.

HE STOPPED YOU GETTING THE CHILD BENEFIT?!

Jesus. This just gets worse and worse. He is so, so abusive. This is horrible to read.

You ran up debt as a SAHM to care for your children and were deprived of even your NI stamp while he sat on a six figure salary. I am completely speechless.

One of the conditions of me going back to work and increasing hours was that I’d pay the childcare.
It would be unreasonable of me to pay for nothing from my wages because I can afford to do so.

I did wonder about offsetting his pension for a greater share of the house - it’s mortgage free.

This is incredible. Astonishing how you focus on trainers when everyone here can see how utterly controlled you are in every aspect of your life. You should be in partnership, not a dictatorship.

Get your CB. You are entitled to it.

*conditions^ for you working? Wow.

I cannot stress enough how you need to see a Solicitor. Do not alert him to anything, in case he tries to hide assets or cash. I am always very loathe to use the word abusive, but it certainly fits here, in spades. Worst thing I've ever read on here, seriously. Please make an appointment asap.

You would be so much better off financially if you split up. You would have much much more money.
Look at @Dacquoise post above.

Your husband would have to pay child maintenance. Probably spousal maintenance. You could claim child benefit. You would have much more money than you do now

@Treasurechestnerd
Oh my ! You are being financially abused for a start.
I don't blame you for being at the end of your tether.
You sound like a great Mum ( unlike your mil )
How are your sisters in law ( married or partnered with your husband's brothers ) doing ?
Are they similarly selfish entitled men ?

I just hope you get a really good solicitor.

@sadperson16

Is he unwell? depressed? Does he actually understand how serious this is?

No he's just bone bloody idle and abusive as well.