I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

OP you need to cut out doing stuff for DH simple - phone dentist - no - adult person look after yourself- you are wife not carer. Once you stop being his slave you will feel better. Old MN phrase - no is a complete sentence. Just don’t do it & really question yourself about why you do jump & do these things. If you don’t respect yourself no one else will!

She made a Father’s Day card at school today. She put it to my dad - her grandad. She said ‘I thought, you know, my dad isn’t around much, he’s either in bed or at golf, so I thought you know, grandad does things with me and takes me places.’
Dh will go mad if he finds out.

This is so upsetting.
Your DD has given up on having a dad because he is so selfish.
And if he found out, he wouldn't be ashamed, he'd get angry.
(Clearly, the 1 or 2 nice days that you remember didn't make enough of an impression on your DD)

At least take the small steps to find out about how to leave.

She made a Father’s Day card at school today. She put it to my dad - her grandad. She said ‘I thought, you know, my dad isn’t around much, he’s either in bed or at golf, so I thought you know, grandad does things with me and takes me places.
Dh will go mad if he finds out

Will go mad? How? And at who? What have you done with the card? Your poor Dd must feel so confused, she obviously already feels neglected by him.

I really hope you just gave her a massive cuddle and just told her what a nice thing it was for her to do for grandad because 'he's a daddy too' and that's fine...or something along those lines? And please give your Dad that card, your daughter made it for him, be honest with your husband about this and tell him exactly that also (your daughter will feel like she's done something wrong if you don't), you can buy him a separate card and make it out from the children if it keeps the peace right now (or stops him from going mad....!?) He should feel ashamed, not angry!

This would be my 'get out now' wake up call Op - please speak to your children about how they're feeling right now, are they happy, if they could change anything what would it be...this isn't just about you and your husband, growing up in a house where your walking on eggshells is horrendous.

Oh he’d be fuming about the card, he doesn’t like that my dc are so close to my parents as it is.
I suppose I’d be a bit hurt if dd made a Mother’s Day card for MiL and not me, but it wouldn’t happen.
Dd looked a bit worried about it so I’ve said we will make DH a card at home. Dh wouldn’t like that school know dd made her card for grandad, he’d be most annoyed about that. He’d feel it showed him up.
I have spoken to a solicitor once before, and then pandemic happened. Pandemic has put me in a state of inertia and I was already struggling.
She made it all sound very easy but I’m not convinced it would be so.

It won't be easy but it is certainly doable and as others have said he will have to pay maintenance and probably spousal. And you may have a claim to part of his pension.
Do you think staying is easy?

The difference would be that if that happened you would look at your own behaviour to see why she’d done it, and he won’t…
Ref the solicitor you spoke to and not believing how easy it might be - consider how much experience you have of leaving vs how much she might have of helping people leave! What you have is a perfectly normal and expected fear/worry/anxiety, whichever word you prefer, about a huge life change. She’s had a lot of training, seen other people make that leap, knows how the process works and what the likely outcomes are. Might you at some point in the future feel able to put your trust and faith in someone like her to help you?

You have many options available to make your life easier but you’re the only person who can implement them. Your children absolutely do not need the level of micro management that you’re time tabling in the morning. Let go. Nobody needs all the regular ironing. Let go of that. Your husband is clearly a dick, but you are not helping the situation. It’s bonkers that you book his hair and dental appointments; let him go shaggy and toothless and figure it out for himself. He only expects you to do it because you have. So stop; it really is that simple. You can’t change his messed up misogynistic family set up but you can change your own. Listen to your daughter- she’s got the measure of him. And then leave him; you know damn well that there’s not a court in the land that will leave you with 18k to his 150k - don’t use that as an excuse to stay. Get angry.

@Treasurechestnerd

If he gets them 50/50 he won’t have to. Which means he will have £150k a year to my £18k. I understand I’m an adult and I need to look after myself though. I’m not his problem.

But he needs to pay for his children.

Contact Women's Aid.
That won't cost anything. They will help you and give you good advice.

I’ve tried women’s aid before. They are actually really hard to get hold of. I don’t think I’m particularly at risk and they probably have lots more women who are at risk of real harm. Someone said they’d phone me back and then I didn’t hear anything again. It was pre pandemic and then during pandemic I didn’t get any time away from him to even make a phone call.

Ultimatum time. Get a cleaner for the main cleaning and ideally ironing, one person does dishes, the other does. bath time (rotate). This should free up time on your day off for yourself for a few hours to compensate for the golf

A lot of it with DH is grey areas. I wish he’d have an affair if I’m honest.

I know its not about this....but why on earth are you wasting time ironing?
He works from home doesn't he, so why the need for an ironed shirt?
He is an adult and therefore can use an iron?
He earns and therefore can use a dry cleaners for shirts?

He could use an iron but I don’t think he ever has. I’m a woman and therefore born with an innate ability to iron and cook and look after children. 🙄
He’s never used the washing machine. Every. Not once. Not in nearly 20 years.
He’s not used an iron since he’s been with me - again nearly 20 years.
He has used the oven occasionally to cook himself chips.

You say you dont have access to the money he earns. Who does the grocery shopping/ buys clothes and shoes for the children?
Do you shop online or in store?
Does he check receipts?
Could you get a bit of cash back on each food shop? Just to have a little extra put by?

I suppose I’d be a bit hurt if dd made a Mother’s Day card for MiL and not me

Of course you would, because you love your children and look after them.
Your H doesn't.

Well just stop doing any ironing for him. Let him know he is an adult and perfectly capable of doing this task himself

He pays most of the bills to be fair.
He pays most of the food.
I pay for childcare and dc activities and clothes. Also because i have them at the weekends when he goes to golf I pay for whatever we do then as well. It’s ok now I’m back at work, the time I was a sahm was really tight.

When I first started work I had some debt to clear (I know, I know) that had built up when I was a sahm because I’d struggled on what DH had given me.
It’s cleared now so I’ve started to save some money.

Would he be amenable to at least paying for their clothes? Does he realise how much clothes and shoes cost? I am just trying to understand how all these decisions were made.

I don’t mind paying for their clothes and shoes now I’m at work. It was hard going when I was a sahm because I don’t get child benefit either.
My aunt clothed them mainly during that time.

This just awful. Really shocking. He earns all that money and allows your aunt to pay for his children. Your family must be appalled.

I don't really understand why you 'go along with' the pretence that he's even a good father, because he isn't.

Fuck getting DD to make him a fathers Day card ! Let him get bloody annoyed ffs ! The more annoyed he gets, the more 'unreasonable' he will show himself to be !

As for you paying for all the kids activities and clothing ? I'd be stopping that and telling him I'll have to tell their school/friends/coaches that you cannot afford to and your H refuses to buy his own children's clothing !

The only way you'll ever get him to spend any money on his kids is when you 'make him look bad' !

There's no way you should be staying with such an abusive, lazy, entitled fuck wit anyway !!

You would get a lot more money than you think as a single parent !
You'll have your wage
You'll have Child Benefit
You'll have Child Tax Credits (with disability supplement if applicable)
You'll pay less Council Tax
You'll get child support (If your 12yr old refuses to go, no-one will force him. If your 5yr old then refuses to go alone, you can contact a solicitor and SS to argue that 'forcing' her is detrimental.

Stop thinking that if you bury your head in the sand, that it'll be OK, it won't !

And how exactly will he manage 50/50 with work, gold etc if he can't operate an iron or washing machine, let alone get 2 children ready for school, feed them? Do you think he'll give up golf on the weekends he has the dc?

I'm with a pp, if he's so bothered about what people think use that to your advantage. I've cancelled dd's weekend activity as I can't afford it, I've told the club this reason

I've had to ask school for second hand clothes because we can't afford new ones etc

Why were you scrabbling about trying to get clothign for the children when he earns 150K?

I can't understand this.
Nobody has ever said no have they?
No, I'm not making an appointment for you, no I'm not ironing, no I'm not cooking.