I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

@Treasurechestnerd

If he gets them 50/50 he won’t have to. Which means he will have £150k a year to my £18k. I understand I’m an adult and I need to look after myself though. I’m not his problem.

And, if he went 50/50 (which he obviously won't), he would either have to give up his job or pay childcare to look after them for his 50%. So he won't be on £150k anymore. And, on the other side, you can up your wages because you don't need to do childcare.

Please please see a solicitor. You are not in such dire straits as you think financially.

I wrote the last two posts quickly, without reading, but I want to tell you my divorce settlement, decided in 2020, in the hope that it will help you.

Very similar finances for both of us. We used mediators. They did it on a 'needs' basis because of the children. So, what did I 'need' to live and house the girls near to schools etc. What did he 'need' to house the girls. We both had to disclose all our income and 12 months statements. I filled in a spreadsheet of what the girls cost (including extra curricular) amd what our housing costs were etc. We/they summed it up, and it came to £X. My income was £y . They then said to my ex - so you need to give her '£w as spousal. (Ie £x = £y + £W). It still left him plenty so that was fine, and how it was worked out.

Of course you feel apathetic- you’re worn down and worn out. The entitlement of my husband, driven by his family ways, led to horrible stuff that I still just mostly went along with but every so often I’d take a stand - one time I got a free solicitor half hour and dropped lucky that he did work for women’s aid and he detailed the dangers for the kids on the horizon and arranged I left that night - I left my home, my job, my town - and you know what that first night away, sharing a room with a strange family all squashed in a single bed was the best sleep I ever had. It’s not easy to leave, I did drop lucky with help at a point I was frustrated and kicking back - but it gives you your whole life back. My kids didn’t grow up thinking women do it all - I don’t even get the entitlement that men play all their lives whilst women pick up. My daughter met a guy from a family like this as well - they split before she died of exhaustion but my grandchild interacts with their family more than mine did and to be honest you can tell already which is sad and worrying. They’re not really a horrible family and genuinely love my grandchild, be nice to my daughter, but even though the males come over nice, the entitled ones do have a dark side. I don’t think they recognise their own abuse to their ‘women’ which does make it hard as they just don’t get it.
But not all men are like this - my dad wasn’t and I know others that got to be adults as well - though being without your husband will be so good you won’t even worry about a next one. You have to decide though and find that strength from somewhere to sort it - the longer it goes on the harder it is - but big hugs op and take care.

Meant to say one of my daughters found a guy like yours - 3 didn’t. And also meant to add I had to manage on income support a while in the late 80s after running away, but you know what again - I felt pretty rich as it was mine without having to explain why I might want a lipstick or something- it really can be ok.

And another thing, the laws in the uk in your scenario are sound, they're here for a reason - one of those being that women like you aren't trapped with abusive men. And, make no mistake, he is abusive. In fact, men are beginning to be prosecuted against financial abuse/emotional abuse/controlling abuse - there's been a few cases recently. It's abuse. Just because he's not hitting you, it's still criminal.

Op... Are you telling him directly what he needs to do?
I hate that you have to... Men are not babies but... If he came and asked me to make a dentist appointment for him, I'd have just said "no, I'm not your mother or your secretary"
And after dinner what happens if you stood up and said "I cooked so you three clear up"...
Standing crying over the ironing hoping he'll miraculous notice and offer to do it won't work with men like your dh... They just don't see it

At the very least, go and speak to a lawyer to see what sort of divorce settlement/ custody arrangement you would be able to negotiate. You don't have to follow through with it but at least do your research before deciding one way or the other. There is no way that he would want 50/50 custody and I'm sure you could easily demonstrate to a court why he shouldn't have 50/50. Seriously, your situation is simply not going to improve

Threads like this are actually irritating. OP no-one has suggested it's "easy". But do you really think your circumstances are unique? Of course they're not, the story is oft-repeated and in fact so commonplace that it has become tedious.

You can stay or go. And if you go you will survive. Only you can change this situation. Are you strong enough?

Rather than trying to get him to be a father/husband, maybe just aim to get access to joint finances?

Then you can get all your financial information in order so you are in a good position for the divorce.

He might say he wants 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay anything, but he wouldn't really want to do it.
Courts aren't going to go from 100/0 to 50/50. Offer him every other weekend.

I know you feel trapped OP, but please do see a solicitor. Get fully informed re money and children before you make any decisions. I doubt very much whether a judge would leave you with £18k while your exH has £150k even if there is 50/50 care.

And so many of these men threaten 50/50 - it's an abuse tactic. The reality is that they don't want their children half the time. It's just a threat.

I also can't see how old your children are, but after a certain age, they can vote with their feet. My ex is better than yours (but still a twat) and my children just don't want to be there at all.

Honestly take legal advice - it's empowering. Knowledge IS power.

Can you suggest that if he doesn't want to physically contribute to the household chores he could pay for a cleaner/ironing service etc?

I also suggest to stop or minimise ironing. Not much needs ironing nowadays to be honest and most certainly don't iron his shirts

Just images how much less you have to do once that useless man is out the picture. But I am sure he has his “good” points which makes you stay?

I think you could at least seek legal advice about the likelihood of him getting 50/50 - if that's what is stopping you leaving? I don't think it's necessarily a forgone conclusion that he would.

How old are your children?

Leaving is hard. You're right. I don't think it's easy for anybody, for all different reasons.

But the answer is to break it down into smaller steps so that instead of freezing because you're so overwhelmed you do actually take steps forward to enable yourself to leave. The steps move you closer and closer to leaving and then suddenly you're ready and able and you've left.

By all means vent and seek support along the way as you start taking those steps, but just repeating to yourself that you can't leave or that it's impossible keeps you stuck instead of moving you forward.

I agree that you should seek legal advice. I understand it feels like leaving would be so difficult for so many reasons but what is the alternative? Carry on being treated like this for the rest of your life? You deserve better than that and so do your kids

I find it hard when people describe DH as abusive because I can look back and see holidays / occasional days out that we’ve enjoyed.
I don’t think he is abusive, I do think he is lazy.
DC are 5 and 12. It worries me that my 12 year old won’t have to go to see his dad but dc2 will have to go on her own which will be even worse for her. Her brother gets to stay with me and she has to go?

You don't think it's abusive to treat someone as your slave?

Op, you know this - IF he insists on time with your dd, that will last approximately 2 weeks, before he realises he's rather be on the golf course.

This is ridiculous.

I wfh and DH 95% outside the home.

6:45 - get up and start work
7:30 - wake DS, give breakfast, dress etc
8:45 - take DS to school
9:05 - 2:45 - work like mad
2:45 - collect DS
3:05 - back to work
3:30 - done

I do this because I wfh

I'd be more worried about your kids growing up thinking this is how you treat women. Especially your boys. Mums do everything. Dads do nothing. Your poor daughter doesn't even think he's "dad" enough to get a card on father's day. You're not really doing anything different than his mother does. You're just letting him carry on passing on his responsibilities to women. You're not actually protecting them or teaching them anything by staying like this.

Use a benefits calculator CM does not count so your income would be topped up as a single person with UC. I have a child with SEND so get DLA and extra tax credits for that. I manage well even though STBXH pays no CM (he is a very low earner and so I dont bother to collect it). I cant see how being married to someone with that income you would not be able to manage. I think even on 50:50 very high earners are still expected to pay CM. And he wont sustain 50:50 even if he threatens it as lazy men never do. He will have to pay for childcare especially if you make sure 50:50 includes daytimes before and after school / holidays and not just school nights. I understand its hard to make decisions when you are so tired. Could you take some time off with the kids in summer and stay with family and get some space to think? I wont lie being a single parent with a child with SEND is physically exhausting but mentally it is a massive relief not to live with someone who doesnt do their share and to be rid of all that resentment. You will feel so free and much happier / lighter. And if he does have the kids some of the time you will get a proper break which you arent getting now. If the child with SEND will have care needs long term the courts will also take that into account. From a mortgage point of view some banks do take into account benefits etc when the kids are younger but not when they are nearing school leaving age so that might be a reason to split sooner.

Ugh he's such a pig. You're right it is easier not to rock the boat but this is your one and only life! Surely if he earns €150k you won't be completely screwed? What's your housing situation? I think you should talk to a solicitor - you may be surprised, I was!

Spousal maintenance could well be an option and I highly, highly doubt this loser will dream of taking 50:50, he'll threaten it to scare you but he's much too lazy. Plus it wouldn't be in the DCs best interests at all as you are practically the only care giver.

It's daunting and scary but take teeny tiny baby steps. When I was at your debilitating stage and frozen with indecision and fear for months that's what I eventually managed to do. One day I posted on here, a few days later I googled family law practices and found one that looked suitable, a week or two after that I found my anger at him and I rang them. Teeny tiny steps and you'll build a picture in your head of what life will realistically look like for you post divorce and how you'll manage the practicalities.

You really can do this but the sheer size of the task in front of you seems monstrous. Make a list on your phone (lock the note incase he uses your phone?) of the things you need to look up to get the ball rolling and that can be the first step.

Please please think about the example you are setting your children. Do you want your dad three growing up with your marriage as her benchmark for future relationships? Do you want her to think that as an adult she should value herself as little as you do yourself?

We all know leaving is not easy but the thing that’s really holding you back is fear.

I have been on mumsnet for several years but have always resisted saying the words until now. Please, find your inner strength and self worth, protect your children and LTB.

DH is abusive. Maybe you need to see someone who will help you realise that. Is it your 5 year old DD who made the card? If so she can see the way things are so why can't you? He is not going to want 50/50, you will not be poor. I would say you are better off splitting now than later from a financial point of view. Surely you have a high chance of spousal maintenance with his salary. This is no way to live for any of you. Go for some short term pain for long term game. Unless you plan on digging in for life a split is going to happen some time. Do it now, there is absolutely no benefit in waiting. It doesn't matter what his family think, leave them to it and educate your DD so she doesn't end up repeating this pattern of behaviour and if you have a DS the same goes for him not to repeat what is being modelled. Stop doing anything at all for him. Maybe he will move to his mum's so she can cook for him everyday. Interesting that the solution to his laundry was Mum rather than paying for an external service - would the same go for food do you think? The one thing you can easily cut out is the ironing. Take clothes out the machine promptly, shake before hanging outside or on airer. There are very few items of clothing that really have to be ironed and you will reclaim a little bit of time and a lot of headspace in not looking at a mountain of ironing. Get some legal advice, get paperwork together when he's out playing golf. Good luck, you can either stay in the tunnel or walk towards the light. Your kids get nothing from their 'D'F and neither do you.