Dating Thread 206 - picking up tradesmen aswell as dates

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@FluffyFluffMonster

I agree with red flag evaluation - it sounds he’s “set things up” with push-pull/hot-cold/flattery then insults to emotionally gaslight you and make you doubt yourself.

@BelladiMamma

Sausagefest is the word for it - and none of it planned. Interesting enough night but at my life stage not one I can manage again easily frequently I want to make nice social plans with one guy not feel like Samantha from SATC I don’t have the personality for it

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards thanks!
@FluffyFluffMonster yes agree a red flag. However I’m a very ‘over aware’ / too conscious person now.

He was actually really nice and interesting. Quite fit too! However I am pretty useless, honestly I despair. I forced myself on the date, and we had a walk, and he tried to hold hands - and I completely flinched!

Later he apologised about the hand holding - he’s from the Middle East and said culturally he may get mixed up. But I’ve not idea I’ve been out of dating for 12 years. He’s quite an interesting person. He’s a journalist. Had to leave because he covered some of the conflicts - now writes really good stuff (I had a read).

SO… we kind of agreed I wasn’t in a ‘let’s get going and meet again’ way - but he said some really sweet things about me (again, all I could think of was red flags, my Ex love bombed me and then turned out to be a serial cheater… )
BUT I am trying to trust again. So I said I didn’t want him to stop dating but that I was happy to keep up a friendly exchange. He likes what I do for a living too so we are just messaging every now and then. I think he’s genuine but honestly probably a bit young.

He said I was lovely!!! I can’t tell you how nice it is just to have someone give me a compliment.

[quote Rejoiningperson]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards thanks!
@FluffyFluffMonster yes agree a red flag. However I’m a very ‘over aware’ / too conscious person now.

He was actually really nice and interesting. Quite fit too! However I am pretty useless, honestly I despair. I forced myself on the date, and we had a walk, and he tried to hold hands - and I completely flinched!

Later he apologised about the hand holding - he’s from the Middle East and said culturally he may get mixed up. But I’ve not idea I’ve been out of dating for 12 years. He’s quite an interesting person. He’s a journalist. Had to leave because he covered some of the conflicts - now writes really good stuff (I had a read).

SO… we kind of agreed I wasn’t in a ‘let’s get going and meet again’ way - but he said some really sweet things about me (again, all I could think of was red flags, my Ex love bombed me and then turned out to be a serial cheater… )
BUT I am trying to trust again. So I said I didn’t want him to stop dating but that I was happy to keep up a friendly exchange. He likes what I do for a living too so we are just messaging every now and then. I think he’s genuine but honestly probably a bit young.

He said I was lovely!!! I can’t tell you how nice it is just to have someone give me a compliment.[/quote]
@Rejoiningperson 🙂

Had my date with Mr Finance tonight. When I saw him waiting outside the restaurant I thought a) you're shorter than you claimed to be - I'm guessing 5'8" not 5'10", and b) you're wearing clicky clacky brown shoes. I'm not keen on men in clicky clacky shoes. He was unfortunately a real disappointment. He mostly talked about himself, in answer to my interested questions about his work, life and interests but then said "so tell me about you" which is just really vague and seems completely uninterested and whenever I stopped talking he would just sit and look at me with this odd half smile. I gave him an awkward hug in the car park, said thanks for dinner and left him to click clack off and drive back home for the next 1.5 hours+. I think he's my 6th date since I was dumped in August and I haven't fancied any of them. And I'm very discerning in my swiping. Just can't find a decent normal bloke and a mutual fancying situation 😥

@FluffyFluffMonster i think his statement would really hurt and annoy me. Just be aware now. It would certainly put me off someone.

@WeWantTheFinestWines why do men lie about their height!!

@Dancerinthemoonlight your date sounds lovely and I'm really pleased that after your positive attitudes/journey of feeling better in yourself, that someone decent has come along for you!

Thanks all for the birthday wishes, had a glorious weekend. The job is hectic and I've had to hit the ground running and put in a few later nights already to get up to speed with things. That said, im learning new things which i can include on my cv which can't be bad!

@Naimee87 Yes it was date 3 at the weekend with Mr Computer. God knows if he's seeing others but truthfully i had dates with others early on too but quickly realised they didn't give a toss about me. He regularly messages me which is always a winner and he's appears like he will be skilled in other areas once we get to that point but so far, so very good. So, im seeing how it goes for now and it fits in with my current busy lifestyle. Its just not that mad passion / connection like with my previous boyfriend Mr Yoga but that went down in flames and all i remember there was trying desperately to hold onto 'us', like clutching at sand. I definitely don't want that feeling again.

@FluffyFluffMonster I'm with the others and think its a red flag.
Either give a compliment or don't.

I think he was very clear from the start what he meant, if he thought you wouldnt want to date him he is clearly insecure and is now trying to bring you down.

If what he meant was what he said afterwards then he could have said 'you're pretty and not aloof like other pretty women' or why not just say you're pretty.

Too be honest if his impression of very pretty women is that they are aloof I'd be concerned as thats not the case and it makes me wonder why he thinks that.
Has he tried to date very pretty women and they've turned him down so now he thinks they are all the same?

I'd be on my guard definitely. Hopefully he has some good traits.

@Eesha Glad you had a great birthday and the job is going well.

Great news about Mr Computer - this slow burn isnt always a bad thing and if he likes you and has his head together its a bonus compared to Mr Yoga.

@FluffyFluffMonster another for the red flag warning. I would be very, very wary of a man who shows anger so quickly over nothing and has to go out for a cigarette to calm down. Would be boy bye for me..

Oooh @SpringlikeBunk sounds like an eventful week!! Hope MrPM hasnt disappeared. Glad you’ve been having fun 😬

I rejoined tinder.. and got a chat going with a guy who lives 1km away ☺️ Very unusual but could be good, he seems nice, chatty.. nice with his daughter.. I’ll call him MrTrades.

@WeWantTheFinestWines clicky clacky shoes 😂😂 seeing a date in those kind of shoes would make me cringe too! How embarrassing 🤣🤣

@Rejoiningperson I know what you mean when someone gives you a genuine heartfelt compliment. It really lifts you up doesn't it? I had a nice iron do that once and I still remember it 🙂

@Eesha thrilled to hear how things are shaping up for you! Long may it continue!
@FluffyFluffMonster I'd be on my guard now. Mr D has said similar to me but in more a a joking/self deprecation way and it was a very clear compliment. I'm also not so keen on the anger/smoke break to "calm down" having been called out on hurting your feelings. That'd be more of a flag for me to be honest.
@SpringlikeBunk we changing your name to SpringlikeBonk?! Sounds exciting and fun, glad you've cleared some air with MrC, it seems to have been building since he came back. My eyes are peeled for the update!
@WeWantTheFinestWines laughing at clicky clacky shoes! I asked a male friend about the height lies and he said it's probably because so many women have a "minimum height requirement" but obviously you'll find out on meeting!

Lol should've refreshed, sorry @Shayelle2009 I've basically repeated your post 😂
Mr Dimples lives a 10 minute walk from me, I'm in favour of a local match! Good luck with Mr Trades!

@Heartbeats0708 😬

It would definitely be nice to meet someone local, I’m usually wary of matching anyone in my village however he looks and sounds sane, so I thought it should ok 🙂

Thanks ladies for the support on the course - just need to knuckle down and get going on it around work, kids and life 😁

Clicky clacky shoes made me 😄 too

@FluffyFluffMonster I think I'd be wary too and am not sure I'd be able to get past such a comment - seems like he's trying to make sure you know your place to me which seems rooted in his insecurity and nothing to do with you or your looks

@WeWantTheFinestWines i had the same with MrElf although he warned me he was short and asked me not to block him before meeting him which i didn't. He turned up in flipflops too which is usually a no-go. But we did hit it off. He was really easy to talk to so i've kept up seeing him. But before him i was off the apps for ages as like you said the dates i had were just such a waste of my time. And like @Eesha mentioned i was chasing the ex as we had so much passion but went completely the same way as your situation did, with me being the only one trying to make an 'us' out of the relationship. With MrElf i'm excited to see how it goes, i've had hardly any alone time with him where we've been able to get close. So let's see!
@SpringlikeBunk i can't keep up with you, all three posts were one night? that's a heck of a lot to happen, but happy to hear you enjoyed yourself.
@FluffyFluffMonster i'm not sure this would be a 100% redflag situation for me, i'd perhaps see him once more see how 'intense' he is. Are you attracted to him, keen to see where it goes. He sounds pretty hot/cold though which in the long run would wear you down i think.
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards well i got super invested in my hobby last year, took to reading/revising most nights as it was far better than simply lying around swiping on the apps. Went to bed dreaming about how to mount snow chains on trucks and what to do if your engine loses power rather than 'why's he just suddenly not writing back' or 'why does he want more photos' i was kept more awake then caught in the horrible wondering/waiting limbo. No apps in the evening is my rule! Sleep is everything to me i love it!

I must be an anomyly on this thread as I do like a man in a good pair of shoes/boots(even clicky clacky ones) but then I see some men in trainers and think they look okay, same with flip flops. I think if the shoes suit them that's what counts. Mr Cricket wears nice suede boots (think Prince Harry), I can't imagine him wearing sports trainers anywhere other than the gym though.

@WeWantTheFinestWines - I've never understood men lying about their height, I mean it's a pretty obvious lie to get caught out in?! My ex husband claimed to have been anywhere between 5'8 to 5'10 over the years, he is 5'7 at a push, but has quite curly hair that gives him that extra inch or two!

I have had so many chats going on this week, but have whittled them down to 2, MrIT and MrMud. Problem is they are both quite far away and my car is off the road and will be for the forseeable.

MrIT has thrown up a few red flags, he mentioned very early on about how much he hates is ex and has spoken of wanting to meet someone and settle down ASAP as he's not getting any younger. Personally I'm not looking to marry anytime soon - I'm not even fully divorced yet! So I'm thinking of letting him slide as he is very much "looking for a wife" and seems very bitter about his ex-wife.

I had a few reservations about MrMud as he had just come out of a messy divorce, he also has a young daughter who stays with him a lot, as I'm only free every other weekend myself, I do wonder if we will get any time together? But we have arranged a video date tomorrow night when we both have some childfree time. He seems lovely, eventhough he is very sporty and I'm not we still have lots of other things in common and I've really enjoyed our texts.

I have a long (3 day) weekend to myself and was hoping to have a proper date to look forward to if I'm honest, so I've decided to take myself off into the city, for some shopping and I'm going to book a table at a fancy restaurant for just me, maybe have a drink at a cool bar as well and not care about being dateless!

@Dirtyduck I think I was on a date with your ex last night! Also curly hair, although that did not make him 5'10". I would throw Mr IT back in - anyone who kicks off with how much they hate their ex is not going to be good news. Give Mr Mud a go - if you hit if off there may be room for flexibility in his schedule? I, too, have a weekend on my own coming up. Nobody to watch the football with. I am considering inviting myself to watch with the kids back at the family home, but it is not my week and I have to be careful about setting a precedent. Although if England got further and had a match in my week I would be happy to have the ex round so the kids could watch with their dad. Maybe I'll just go watch in a pub on my own...

@Naimee87 I love you getting so absorbed in a hobby, I would love to find something to be that ineterested in! So much healthier than swiping. And Mr Elf did it the right way - didn't pretend to be taller than he was just to reel you in, asked you to give him a chance anyway (and then turned up in flip flops ) and he is sounding really promising! It's not the shortness that bothers me (although the shortness bothers me), it is the dishonesty about the shortness.

@Heartbeats0708 - good luck with Mr Dimples, there's a lot to be said for keeping it local. And yes, many of us do have minimum height requirements, just like many people have maximum weight requirements or maximum number of tatoos requirements or no trout pout requirement. But lying about something that will be immediately apparent on date zero is just bizarre! Unless you are incredibly charming, funny, charismatic (which we all are, of course, but our dates often don't seem to be), then you're not going to get away with it!

@Isitreallyme777 - to be honest, if it was just the clicky clacky shoes, I wouldn't have minded. It was the height dishonesty, undisclosed pot belly, poor conversation - and the clicky clacky shoes...

@Shayelle2009 - again, keeping it local. Good luck with Mr Trades.

@herewegoagain202106

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

He is apparently an American soldier based in South Africa.

He is actually a scammer in some basement somewhere, part of a team scamming women everywhere to get money out of them.

Block, delete, report, whatever...

@Dirtyduck i've done the long-distance thing and it does get a bit tiresome especially having kids on top makes being spontaneous so difficult as well. I dated one man for a while who was an hour away by car and had his 5yr old the majortiy of the time and in the beginning it was great we texted daily and videod but after a few months it slowly faded and i was slipping down in his priorities list so unfortunately we ended. I really really liked him. Personality wise, the fact he was a good dad as well, had his own business, but ultimately i wasn't enough for him as he couldn't really muster up the effort to keep in touch when we weren't together. It isn't necessarily cause to write them off though as i'm sure if feelings are mutual i doubt distance will get in the way. But is your car in for repairs, hope its back on the road soon. Enjoy your lovely sounding long weekend! I've one coming up as well and cannot wait, this week feels like its been dragging on forvever.
@WeWantTheFinestWines well its new to me too i'm really a chaotic person am told so all the time and have difficulties concentrating and focusing. I've been told numerous times i need to pay closer attention to detail but with this i find i concentrate and i'm engaged and i want to do well. It's been a long time since i've been able to just focus on me. My son's dad isn't on the scene so i like the fact that you would have your ex round for the football. I've read a lot on how to be the best single parent and it says involvement of both parents is always best for the child. Obviously assuming there was no history of abusive behaviour or anything like that.
@Shayelle2009 slim pickins.... annoying. With things opening up again are there likely to be more chances to meet people while your out? If things don't pan out with MrElf i'm going to be far more forward than in the past and if i like the look of someone i'm going to bite the bullet, acknowledge it could go either way and i could die of embarassment, but i'll strike up some sort of conversation

What are people's thoughts on when to have sex. Mr Computer and i flirt a lot and have had 3 dates so far, the last being at his place but not actual sex. He said he wouldn't want to wait loads more to have sex generally with someone. What do others do?

@Naimee87 - I've just been looking at the distances and MrIT is a 1hr and 15min drive away, but would be more like 2 hours on bus + train. So I think that's a no go.
MrMud is only a 40 minute drive away and a direct bus from my house to his town takes the same time, which seems more doable than I thought.

@WeWantTheFinestWines - Ex does work in finance, however he wouldn't wear click clacky shoes, he's more of a boat shoe style loafer kinda guy

@Eesha

What are people's thoughts on when to have sex. Mr Computer and i flirt a lot and have had 3 dates so far, the last being at his place but not actual sex. He said he wouldn't want to wait loads more to have sex generally with someone. What do others do?

When you're both ready

What on earth does he mean "he wouldn't want to wait loads more"?

His view is you take things as they come but he wouldn't wait say 10 dates if you weren't seeing each other regularly as that would be months.

I guess i should add that i wanted to wait and see whether i liked him as at present, it feels like early days.