Dating Thread 206 - picking up tradesmen aswell as dates

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@troobleflooble I agree with @Naimee87 maybe take a break for a bit. I do that every so often but right now everything is deleted and I'm feeling so much happier. I found the multiple chats quite difficult so just tended to chat to one guy at a time. I do think sometimes you can become disillusioned by it all especially if the men are flakey.

@troobleflooble Just remember that if you have sex with Mr Tall you'll feel amazing for a few hours and then feel like crap again which will last for days.
You need to stop relying on oxytocin to give you highs.
Plus Mr Tall is messing you around by cancelling and uncancelling.
I know its hard but the longer you are no contact the easier it gets.

As for Mr Prison, why cant you say no to him coming round?
You are letting him and Mr Tall walk all over you and smash your boundaries.

Could you use a sex toy instead if you're craving an orgasm or is it the affection and rush of oxytocin you crave?

You're feeling low because this dating/casual sex situation you have going on makes you feel crap. I agree with others, take some time away from your phone and the apps.

How fulfilled is your life at the moment?
Do you have friends and hobbies?
How much spare time do you have?

Great date with Mr Geek Chic last night. Ended up as a sleep over 😉

Glad you had a great time @HeReWeGoAgAiN1112 😊 Good dates leave you with such a nice feeling.

I don't really like talking to multiple people at once but every time I just limit myself to one I end up investing time, energy and emotions into that person only to have them flake out and let me down so now I feel I have to keep my options open.

My life generally is pretty good. I have hobbies, lovely friends and family and a job I like. I just want someone to love me.

I have loads of toys but it's not the same. I want someone to kiss and cuddle (before and after 😂). I want someone to care if I'm happy or not, I want passion and the rush that comes with being with someone you really like that likes you back. Can't get that from a dildo!

I know I should just take some time away to get my head straight. This situation clearly isn't doing me any good, I just end up hurt. I'm such a doormat and I hate it!!

@troobleflooble want someone to kiss and cuddle (before and after). I want someone to care if I'm happy or not, I want passion and the rush that comes with being with someone you really like that likes you back
If you want this why are you wasting time on men who cant or wont give this to you?

I'm not great with book recommendations but hopefully someone else will be along soon because you definitely need to work on why you're 'a doormat'.

How do you feel about taking a break? From all men, not just the apps.

@troobleflooble I think @SortingItOut said it perfectly the other day (and it's something I've worked out too) a man should enhance your life. I'd love a man to kiss and cuddle me but it now has to be the right man not the right now man. I could have had sex with Mr Confused last week but it wasn't what i wanted as I knew I'd feel like shit afterwards as that was all he wanted.

Take time to work on yourself, you're being treated like a doormat as you're letting them. Why are you letting them? (,sorry if that comes across as harsh it really isn't meant to).

I think it's because they present themselves as wanting the same things and then change their minds after they've got what they want. I'm too gullible I suppose 😞

It doesn't help that I love sex and have a high libido. I don't want to be celibate until I find a decent man to be with but at the same time casual situations don't work for me because I feel like shit when they don't want more than sex 😂

Some days I'm totally fine and I can brush it all off. Other days I'm so desperate and craving some kind of romantic connection that I'll take any crumbs of affection that are thrown my way. I want to change this but I don't know how 😞

I mentioned it earlier that i got to a point where i just couldn't handle all the dissapointment so i decided just to focus on me. I got into exercise took on new and fantastic hobby neither of which include anyone else. The sense of achievement i got from these far outweighed the few hours of company i got from men who were really just after one thing but pretending otherwise. It's such a good realisation when you find that you want someone rather than feel you need someone. I don't want that to sound harsh but it was what a friend told me a while ago that i should never think i need a boyfriend i should want one. None of the guys you mentioned above seem at all worthy of your time either.

@troobleflooble sending virtual hugs. Its not easy and yes absolutely we would love someone interested, someone to cuddle, someone worthy of our time. In the meantime we will love ourselves and develop ourselves a little more 💐

@troobleflooble I love sex, I have a very high sex drive and for 18mths after my marriage ended I actively sought out casual sex.
I was on dating sites and was clear it was FB or FWB. I know that was unusual as a woman but that is all I needed and wanted to be honest.

Some men also want casual sex but know its not that easy to get on dating sites so they lie about wanting a relationship just to get the sex and then gradually back out from the relationship but keep the sex which is what they wanted all along.

If you can manage casual sex with no emotion why don't you find a man who also wants the same rather than a man who is only pretending he wants a relationship.
Instead of looking for a boyfriend you could change your mindset and actively look for an FWB and if it was clearer in your head you might not develop feelings for them as everyone knows where they stood from day one.

I never had a problem finding FB or FWB, at times I had 5 regular and a few not so regular.
I never got attached or had feelings for any of them.
Only 1 got feelings for me and I ended it as soon as I knew as I knew he would end up hurt.

I know casual is not for everyone as they cant keep emotion out but if you can then it can be very liberating.

You crave attention because you have self esteem issues, how can you build your self esteem up without being used?
I was the same I had low self esteem after my husband emotionally cheated for years and thats why i loved casual sex and attention.

@SortingItOut can I ask how you built up your self esteem and the timeframe between your separation and now?

@LuckyLinda3 Of course you can, I split from my husband in April 2018 he moved out within a month, our divorce was finalised in Jan 2020.

My husband had emotional affairs for all our marriage which was 17yrs at the point we split, he was also emotionally abusive.
I honestly thought I was the problem, I thought if I was prettier, slimmer, less controlling (oh the irony), nicer, a better wife he wouldn't keep having emotional affairs and his moods would be better.

Firstly space is a great healer, once my husband left my home I instantly felt lighter and better, the more time that went on the more I realised that it wasn't me that wasn't good enough it was all him.

I also made sure I did things just for me, if I wanted to go out with friends I did, if I wanted to spend hours on a hobby I did, if I wanted to veg out at home I did - there was no one controlling me or telling me what I could and couldnt do.

The biggest thing that made me love myself and realise I am amazing as I am was going to a hotel (to meet someone for casual sex) and seeing myself in a full length mirror for the first time in years and realising that actually I've got a pretty great figure and i wasn't the ogre I thought I was.(I know hotel lighting is very kind but still)
I also realised that although not conventionally pretty I am not bad looking so clearly the emotional affairs were not my fault.

For a long time I faked confidence until I truly believed in myself so 'fake it until you make' it is apt.

I had lots of casual sex and that boosted my confidence no end especially at the start (but only recommended if you are fine with casual sex and don't have emotions).

Loving myself was a big part of this, whatever I looked like was acceptable, I stopped thinking I should be smaller and prettier and accepted myself and realised what a great person I am.

I stopped internally berating myself and started telling myself how well I'd done and how great I am and it works, it truly changes your mindset.

Be happy in yourself and it shows on your face and with your demeanor.

Sometimes counselling is needed and I'm probably going to start it later this year.

@SortingItOut good for you. You have come a long way and yes absolutely we are good enough. I think it's great to learn and grow from these experiences even though it's tough. I have tried to learn too, to learn to be less impulsive, more trusting, to not carry old habits forward. I slip up but I do feel better for checking in with myself and working on me. Onwards and upwards hopefully for all of us.

hats off to you @SortingItOut

I echo fake it til you make it and therapy.

@SortingItOut, I'm glad that you're in a better place now 😊 I got divorced some years back and unfortunately my love life hasn't improved since then and my self esteem is on the floor. I've been abused (physically, mentally/emotionally and sexually) and most of the time feel completely worthless.

The fact that guys want to have sex with me is a double edged sword because on the one hand it makes me feel better because I feel more attractive and desirable, like I do have SOME value to SOME people. The downside is that it's ONLY as a sex object for their pleasure and that's where it stops being fun for me. I try to tell myself that it's mutually beneficial and we both get something out of it but the truth is I'm always left wanting more and I don't get what I really want which ultimately makes me really unhappy and feel terrible about myself again.

I find casual sex very difficult. I love the sex and the associated oxytocin/ego boost. But I find it hard to separate the physical act from my emotions.

Mr Prison was honest right from the start about wanting a FWB and that was fine. I respect his honesty and I'm not getting feelings for him but now the trouble is I just can't be bothered because I think, what's the point? It isn't going to go anywhere.

@LuckyLinda3 Its difficult to trust again and I don't know if I fully trust Mr K but what I do know is that if he cheats on me it is not my fault and I have a mantra of 'what will be, will be'. I've had a great time with him but if it doesn't work out so be it, I don't need him in my life but I do like him in my life.

I won't ever live with a man again, I like my space too much and I'm now very selfish.

All I know is I am the best person I can be and if I wasn't me I'd want to be my friend😁
Might sound big headed but I do believe that I'm a good person and its taken a while to reach this point.

I hope we can all learn to love ourselves and find happiness from within💕

Sending virtual strength, hugs @troobleflooble it is hard isn’t it, when sometimes you just feel low and wish someone was there… for you, you’re not on your own here x

I feel irritable today, had lots of unsolicited advice from a good friend who’s been in a long relationship (well over 10 years), never been online dating at all, trying to tell me what I should be looking for (an old, old man basically?!) no thanks… trying not to feel pissed off, but I do.

Do love the friends who are all happily coupled up that see my singledom as something to mock, take the piss out of and try and/or to fix for me…
Yeah, thanks a lot for that….. 😠

@Shayelle2009 sending hugs your way too. Hi there are many benefits to being single, deep down some of them are probably jealous. As sorting said I dont think I'll ever live with someone ever again, love my me time too much. So I'm thinking we can have the best of both worlds, me time and couple time!! All about perspective x

@Shayelle2009 oh I hear you! All my friends are in relationships and I get really tired of the advice. I know they mean well but essentially they are no help at all because nothing they say is actually from real experience it's just cliches that I'm fed up of hearing. I know they mean well but it's very frustrating being told 'you'll find someone when you aren't looking' etc etc. All of them were incredibly lucky with OLD and managed to find their partners pretty easily and quickly. Literally just pure luck.

@Shayelle2009 I had that a few weeks ago from a so called friend. A 2 and a half hour lecture of everything that is wrong with my life. I'm still annoyed about it but put boundaries in place as she only ever messages when she wants something like a walking partner or for me to do some free work for her/friends. Never just to ask how I am

I matched with a localish potential a few days ago and I can't work out if he is an impulsive idiot or a complete fantasist.
He is thinking of quitting his job with nothing to go to. Allegedly was in a bad car accident when a friend drove into a post van at 85+ mph and he has had to have surgeries. Bit then said that it was only nerve damage and nothing internal was wrong. He didn't even think to go for compensation.
It's just not adding up. Maybe its me not being trusting as I have had so many lies told to me previously but it all just seems far too far fetched to have actually happened.

I get that, one of my best friends keeps telling me every man I have anything to do with isn't the right one for me. Even Mr Cricket, who is the nicest, politest, hasn't sent dodgy photos or dodgy messages, isn't the right one for me.

@troobleflooble there are a few similarities in our backgrounds/issues and I really would highly recommend reading the book I mentioned a while back - the unexpected joy of being single by Catherine gray. She talks about all the things you've mentioned and it's really helped me shift my perspective

I am so glad we can talk about it on here!! I don’t really have anyone else to chat to these little things about and it massively helps to know that we are all going through the same thing.
Ive literally had texts from the one friend all day long, its really patronising. I’m just biting my tongue though as rising to it would make me such a diva… then ‘no wonder I’m single’.
Thing is I’m not even massively looking.. some of my partnered up pals seem a lot more obsessed with matching me up (with any old crud out there) than I am!! What gives!!?! Like, I dont talk about dating with them at all but they randomly start asking me loads of questions then dishing out the shitty pearls of wisdom?? Ie date an old man??
Deep sighs and infinite patience…..

(Sorry for the rant, I just feel a bit fed up today generally ) 😞 x

Hugs to all in the same boat @troobleflooble, @Dancerinthemoonlight, @Isitreallyme77 @LuckyLinda3 and everyone else!!