Dating Thread 206 - picking up tradesmen aswell as dates

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Well, he's just a halfwit.

How about you block him, delete chat and forget about it?

So it’s first date day with Mr Geek Chic today. Had another phone chat with him last night. He’s got a lovely voice and I know we are going to have a great time today but worried I won’t fancy him. I’m a bit older than him but he’s mature in that he has a high level professional job, owns his own house etc, just not sure he has the ‘life experience’ I have and has the potential to be a little dull, but he’s very attentive and listens. Saying all that, he’s been very open so I’m sure we’ll have lots to talk about today. We will see I guess!

I’m chatting to another iron, I’ll call him Mr Ginger Beard. My age, had similar life experiences (one child, a divorce, similar jobs) and whilst he’s not as physically attractive in his photos, there was something there to make me swipe. The text conversation has been good and he’s asked me for coffee on Friday, so I’ve said yes.

I just need to put my big girl brave pants on and get myself out there. Im terrible at first dates and find than awkward so I avoid it. So two this week is a turn up!

I know I need to

@bangheadhere40, aren’t you just tormenting yourself by checking this with his WhatsApp regularly? I’ve done this myself with irons and it just keeps bringing someone from the past to the forefront of your mind and for what purpose? I think you would be better to delete him as a contact. It’s clearly messing with your emotions.

@HeReWeGoAgAiN1112, I’m sure you will be fine once you are FTF with your dates. Maybe it’s good that you have mixed expectations, probably less pressurised than meeting someone you have built up your hopes about.

[quote Onesmallstep67]@HeReWeGoAgAiN1112, I’m sure you will be fine once you are FTF with your dates. Maybe it’s good that you have mixed expectations, probably less pressurised than meeting someone you have built up your hopes about.[/quote]
I’ve learned to keep my expectations low and anything more is a bonus. Not a good way to live in general but I find it’s a great way to get through dating

I guess I am onesmallstep i just can't fathom out why all the block then unblock then block etc....

I need to delete the chat.

@bangheadhere40 you really should delete this guys number after blocking him.
I’ve been where you are and it’s really not healthy. Trust me, once you block his number, delete the chat and the number, you will feel so much better.
In the kindest possible way, he doesn’t care about you or your feelings x

Agree with others @bangheadhere40 that you should delete the chat so you can't see what silly games he's playing with the blocking/unblocking nonsense

@bangheadhere40head You're not supposed to fathom it out, its mind games from him.
He knows you're probably looking so does it on purpose.

Most normal people don't have time to block or umblock, all my old irons just stayed in my archive bit of WhatsApp and I never thought about checking if I'd been blocked.

These 3 month wonders are a nightmare - what can we do to help you get over him?

You're giving him far too much headspace

Aw thanks sorting...yes is seems to be silly games, that's all I can think of really...no other reason I've not tried to contact.

Aren't they just a nightmare 🙂 I think I might just archive like you say then I won't notice, or just delete but I'm not sure I can do that just yet.

@thegreenestbear If your expectations are low then you put up with stuff you wouldn't normally, raise the expectation bar.

The problem with assumptions is that you're basing that on how you would feel or deal with something so by saying you weren't chatting or meeting you meant that as not even on dating sites but he may think that actually meabs chatting and meeting.

If he was a decent guy I'd be suggesting you speak to him about it but as you don't seem to like much about him I'd just bin him off.

@bangheadhere40 If archiving is the most you can do then do that for now and in time you might be ready to delete.

I deleted all my numbers/chats/texts from all irons earlier this year - they had sat in archive and were like a bit of history for me and I'm a sentimental fool and couldn't get rid even though I'd been with Mr K over a year.

@bangheadhere40 I still have old chats with old irons but none of them have done anything to make me feel the need to delete or block them and they haven't blocked me. The ones like Mr Transfer and Mr Racing I've deleted and blocked as they made me uncomfortable. The ones like Mr Essex are still there as he did nothing wrong it just fizzled out. Computer Geek is another thing all together.

If this one is playing games then block and delete just for your own peace of mind. You will feel better for it, and also don't forget to delete the photos from your recycle bin (I found that one out a while ago).

Hmm well, bit irritated to say the least.

Had a lovely date last week with Mr Campervan, he seemed like a good prospect and keen to meet up again. He cancelled on the day of the second date but it was actually fine as I wasn't feeling well anyway. Trying to arrange another time to meet up instead and he gives me some line about being an emotional train wreck at the moment 🙄 I mean, not that that isn't possible (men do have feelings after all), and he is going through a very difficult and stressful time but it just pisses me off that he's using that as an excuse not to meet up. I'm not proposing marriage I just want to hang out and do something fun! Is that soooo much to ask?! It wasn't an issue last week! Whatever. I'm tired of this, you want to meet up with me then do, if not I'll find someone else. I'm not going to beg you!

Mr Tall has been in touch again, not asking to meet up but just chatting, asking about my dating life etc. I'm curious as to why, he clearly doesn't give a shit about me beyond sex.

Mr Prison is a FWB who got in touch last night, asking to meet up on Friday. Both of us knew from the start that it was only a FWB thing which is fine but even though he's nice and the sex is good I just can't be arsed to see him! That sounds so mean but I just don't want to waste time and energy on someone who I know isn't going to lead anywhere. But I would like the company.. I don't know. Can't make up my mind at the moment.

Been talking to a new iron Mr Fisher, who seems nice and very chatty which is a very good thing because I am too 😂 We're going to have a walk on the beach after work which should be nice.

I'm in a bit of a muddle at the moment, my head is all over the place. Had a little melt down last night but the sun is out and I'm determined to drag myself out of this bad mood!

@troobleflooble

Hmm well, bit irritated to say the least.

Had a lovely date last week with Mr Campervan, he seemed like a good prospect and keen to meet up again. He cancelled on the day of the second date but it was actually fine as I wasn't feeling well anyway. Trying to arrange another time to meet up instead and he gives me some line about being an emotional train wreck at the moment 🙄 I mean, not that that isn't possible (men do have feelings after all), and he is going through a very difficult and stressful time but it just pisses me off that he's using that as an excuse not to meet up. I'm not proposing marriage I just want to hang out and do something fun! Is that soooo much to ask?! It wasn't an issue last week! Whatever. I'm tired of this, you want to meet up with me then do, if not I'll find someone else. I'm not going to beg you!

Mr Tall has been in touch again, not asking to meet up but just chatting, asking about my dating life etc. I'm curious as to why, he clearly doesn't give a shit about me beyond sex.

Mr Prison is a FWB who got in touch last night, asking to meet up on Friday. Both of us knew from the start that it was only a FWB thing which is fine but even though he's nice and the sex is good I just can't be arsed to see him! That sounds so mean but I just don't want to waste time and energy on someone who I know isn't going to lead anywhere. But I would like the company.. I don't know. Can't make up my mind at the moment.

Been talking to a new iron Mr Fisher, who seems nice and very chatty which is a very good thing because I am too 😂 We're going to have a walk on the beach after work which should be nice.

I'm in a bit of a muddle at the moment, my head is all over the place. Had a little melt down last night but the sun is out and I'm determined to drag myself out of this bad mood!

I can totally understand why you're cheesed off. However one thing I would say is that you may well be saving yourself from heartache if you say goodbye now to MrCamperVan. I've learnt that people speak the truth about themselves and if he's an emotional wreck that might mean that he's not even ready for friendship.

You can always walk away and leave the door open to friendship when he's ready, that way the ball is in his court.

@troobleflooble It seems like your 'can't be botheredness' has come about because you know these irons are not what you want and need in the long term and thats really great because it stops you wasting time with men who aren't what you want long term.

Mr Campervan may be telling the truth or he may be just saying it as he doesn't want to meet up again and doesnt know what else to say.
Either way you don't want to be involved with someone who is an emotional train wreck, it is not your job to fix him, he needs to fix himself.
You want a partner and not a project.
Unless you're lacking in friends and he has amazing qualities I'd be letting him back in the Sea of Twats.

Mr Tall is trying to make sure you are still waiting around for him ready for when he wants sex.
Unless you are genuine FWB and not just FB then your dating life is none of his business.
I just wouldn't reply to him....which is what you said you would do the other day if he messaged.

If you're at a loose end and want physical touch then meet Mr Prison but if you've got better things to do with your time don't meet.

Mr Fisher sounds nice and an early plan to meet is perfect as you then will know early on whether you fancy him and you get on, no point spending weeks chatting and building up a connection and then when you meet you didnt like him.

I think you're right @SortingItOut, I'm just getting pissed off with continually meeting people who present themselves as ready for a relationship and then magically after a very short period of time they 'discover' that actually, they are so totally upset over something that happened in the past they can't possibly bring themselves to be in a relationship with someone. But casual sex is totally cool 👍 Funny how those always seem to go hand in hand 🤔 Like, you can be super intimate with me, physically inside my body, but having a meaningful conversation or spending time with me is too much?! Fuck off!!

Here's a crazy idea, if you want casual sex, why not just be honest! There is a 'not looking for a relationship or any kind of commitment' tab on PoF so fucking use it! DON'T tell people that you want a relationship, lure them in, get them to like you, fuck them, and then randomly change your mind. No. Be a fucking adult and own what you want, be honest about it, and then let the other party make up their own mind about whether or not they want to proceed.

Oh, and guess what? I've dealt with a fuck load of trauma in my life too and I'm still open to spending time with someone and having a relationship. Being committed. So no, sorry, I don't buy that as a good enough excuse. Where there's a will there's a way and if you wanted me, you'd find a way to make it work. But no, you'd rather lie to me, play with my feelings to get what you want, and then ditch me when it's no longer convenient for you or someone better comes along. What are you, 15?! Grow up.

Fuck.All.You.Stupid.Twats. 🖕🖕

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant 😂

That was quite cathartic though. In real life I'm so calm and chilled out, very 'butter wouldn't melt'. I'm such a chronic people pleaser than I can be heartbroken or furiously angry with someone and yet instead of saying what I actually think I'll just smile and say 'don't worry, it's ok' 😊

Hence the tirade 😂

@bangheadhere40 i got blocked by MrS which i thought really odd as well he‘d always said this was so childish and that a proper conversation should be had not just a block. I personally have left it at that i didn‘t open or read his last txts. But our chat was SO long and at times so nice that i cannot bring myself to delete it yet. I‘ve still got little momentos from him a tshirt. He helped with truck stuff/theory so i‘ve our little notes we made together… so i know he‘s gone but i just can‘t seem to let all of him go.
@thegreenestbear i totally understand where you are coming from… the ones where the dates go well and it seems from both sides but then you get ghosted. Also why lie when its so easy to see online activity these day. I think a lot has to do with the chase once they know we‘re keen perhaps the excitement goes. Took me forever to work out this was what happened with me and MrS. I was basically too available for him. I don‘t think he cheated but never know. It went from excited ‚when will we see eachother‘ and loads of effort on his part to keep in touch until he realised i was so invested he didn‘t even need to make any effort at all and i‘d still turn up. Definitely raise the bar. Also when you give up this often ends up being the time you meet someone who does fit the bill! 🤩

@troobleflooble i've met a ton of these men too, their all over you at the beginning and promise that you're 'on the same page' only to do a 180 on you. In my cases this is usually after i've slept with them and sort of settled into the 'relationship' and got comfortable with them. Makes you feel like a piece of crap that's for sure. You do have a ton of irons on the go which would definitely be hurting my head, the emotional rollercoaster of one is enough for me. That being said i know the advice isn't to put all your eggs in one basket.
@SpringlikeBunk why the move so far if you don't mind me asking? When looking for potential dates do you mind if they have 'baggage,' I have a friend whose also never wanted children or to get married and she's dating a single dad (mum is fairly hands off with the two girls) and the whole 'when to introduce each other' is a hot topic at the moment. I guess i'm the one that comes with the baggage and i know it's definitely turned a lot of men off once they realise i have my DS full time.
@FluffyFluffMonster i am an odd texter i think i'm a bit ADHD sometimes because i'll answer a question they send and then go off on a tagent and send like 6 more one -liners someone posted about matching txt speak with the other person as this seems to work best. I never open a txt till i can reply as i think it's rude to open and not reply but this doens't seem the case for everyone. With this new MrElf he made it quite clear as i've more than him going on he's happy with me instigating chats because he doesn't know how busy i am. I used to always prefer the man to write first but now as we've kind of 'given each other mini rules' i'll happily text him @WingingItAtLife a giant octopus with star eyes I think i'm a bit guilty of giving away too much at the beginning. I've started to wait to see what questions get asked and go from there but i prefer to be upfront/honest as i would expect them to be too.

@troobleflooble

I agree with @SortingItOut - you’re not feeling it because your instincts are telling you deep down your irons aren’t decent guys.

People lie and manipulate and don’t have your best interests at heart and online dating
is no exception - these guys aren’t “trustworthy friends” because we’ve had intense chats with them.

In general the ratio of men who want casual situations (and unless they’re like footballers or male models it’s easier to have someone “regular” than have the chat and the moves to pull a new woman) to women is high.

Plus often they don’t want someone they think is actively after casual sex - they want a “nice girl next door” type who isn’t picking up loads of others or sexually experimenting.

So they do often tend to do all sorts of weird manipulation and lies to get their own way and get the “casual” situation locked in.

It’s quite common for guys to try to “groom” women into casual situations by being ambiguous and doing the whole push/pull hot/cold thing.

I’ve found just sticking to what I want to do and what suits me for scheduling and ignoring any “confused emotional messages” is the best way to screen generally?

It’s quite common for guys to try to “groom” women into casual situations by being ambiguous and doing the whole push/pull hot/cold thing rings very true for me and took me just forever to realise!

Small update. My iron got back yesterday and messaged asking to meet up for drinks. We had a lovely evening talking about his time away and he repeatedly said he'd missed me and as we are both off today wants to meet again this evening. He was interested, gentle and kind and we do have great chemistry. He never let's pay for a thing despite my protesting. He talked about hopefully meeting my kids soon and that hes nervous but so hopes they like him. I subtly talked about basic expectations of mine but never got into it too much as hes only back and it seemed too heavy to put it all out there last night. I sense he is a bit insecure about how comfortable things are between me and my exh as he doesnt have that with his ex. He seems totally into what we have right now so I will tease my issues out gently I think as suggested. I realise this is at odds with him checking pof from time to time so I may he reading this all wrong.

Just a quick update here.... Walking with date went well with Mr Near. He was there before me and had a single rose for me - this is cute right?
Will update more later