Dating Thread 206 - picking up tradesmen aswell as dates

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@FluffyFluffMonster If you are ever not sure on someone on Fab you can always screenshot their photo and upload to tineye.com

Not saying we don't all deserve someone gorgeous but if I felt someone was far too good looking to be on the site and his photos were too perfect (ie not proper selfies or with a bit of background stuff) I would upload to the site and a few times I was right.

Good luck

I hear you @SpringlikeBunk, I guess see how it goes. At least he sounds like a decent aane and unpushy person though, which are fairly rare as we know ☺️ Good to know there are some of those out there.

I have to be in the right frame of mind for pof as it’s full on so will do the same for fab I guess. Not in the mood for any bombardment right now, I’m quite happy just chilling and not looking at all.

If you don’t get a good feeling about that hinge guy I just wouldn’t bother either.

@FluffyFluffMonster

On another note I joined fab last night. Someone said about the men being respectful on there can't remember who it was?

But yeah the op was right. I get far more shit using OLD and I wouldn't mind a fwb. I'm talking to one man and bloody hell he is beautiful. Meant to meeting for a coffee tomorrow.

Of course you get the men who push their chances but that's to be expected but easy to ignore them. A lot of respectful men on fab I must say.

Maybe with OLD the guys on it are more entitled, along the lines of, you should be lucky that I'm even considering you as my girlfriend. Also the numbers on old don't work in their favour, so that on fab there is more respect. Interesting though. I've never managed a decent fwb situation. Maybe with wisdom and boundaries I could but not there yet.

@BelladiMamma thank you! That's exactly what I need, all my RL are already in relationships or just looking for casual sex (which I'm not).

I started a thread in relationships about Mr Tall. The very short version is we got into a relationship almost immediately, dated for 2 weeks, all was good. He then did a total 180, broke up with and said he wanted to just be friends. Then did a 180 again and said he couldn't be friends, blocked me on everything and I thought that was it. Got back in touch again about a week later and we've sort of fallen into an accidental FB situation. I don't want a FB so I'm still looking but I love the sex and we have a great connection. I just hate feeling like I'm only good enough for sex and nothing else. It hurts me 😞 Time to bin him off I think.

I had a lovely date early this week with Mr Campervan, he was very nice but his situation is complicated and I have a horrible feeling he might be one of those who 'isn't ready for a relationship' but it totally down to shag whenever he feels like it. Supposed to meet up last night but he ended up cancelling. He said we'd been up again soon instead but I'm not holding my breath.

Talking to Mr Surf who seems ok but a few minor red flags. Not really that invested but he wants to meet today and I probably will just to see what happens.

Mr Waffle I have been talking to since February but keeps saying he's busy, making excuses. Keeps saying we will meet up (next week possibly?!) but I've totally given up on any chance of it actually happening 😂

Sorry, I was typing quickly, so many mistake! Hope you can decipher what I meant 😂

@troobleflooble Welcome to the thread.

What is your relationship history?
Why don't you have good boundaries?(Meant in a nice way)
If you don't want an FB situation why are you in one?
The problem with good sex is the rush of oxytocin so you feel amazing straight away and then when it wears off you feel like shit so you crave that feeling again and when he messages you jump straight away.

Mr Surf has blatant red flags but you are still going to meet him...why? Why cant you say no?

I've been in a few bad relationships unfortunately. Been abused physically, sexually and emotionally by different people over the years. Been cheated on, lied to and generally treated like shit!

I'm working on being happy in myself and creating a life that I like on my own so I don't need someone to 'make' me happy and mean I won't settle for less than I deserve. But it's a hard process. I'm still deeply hurt and traumatised by some of the things I've been through. Some days I feel broken and defective, like anyone who puts up with me deserves a medal because I'm such hard work. Other days I feel much stronger and I'm totally fine!

I love sex and it's really good with Mr Tall so its hard for me to pull away. I do have feelings for him though and that's the bit that's difficult because I know he doesn't feel anything for me. Next time he messages I will try to just ignore it.

Mr Surf doesn't really have any major red flags (so far), just a couple of little things eg, not having a car. In my area public transport is rubbish so it's a bit awkward. Just things like that that aren't ideal.

@troobleflooble I'm sorry to hear about your past relationship history.
Have you ever had counselling?
It sounds like you have low self-esteem but with work you can overcome this.

You are the prize, you deserve the best, you do not need to put up with crumbs from people because its all you think you deserve.

You need to stop having sex with Mr Tall because only one person is getting hurt and its you.
If you want an FB you can easily get one from Fab with no feelings involved.
I think you're hoping that he will think you're so amazing he will agree to be your boyfriend but he won't, he's told you who he is and still you're there waiting.
He kept pushing your boundaries every time he did a 180 to see whether you were so desperate for attention you would put up with shit and you did - he is happy to use you.
Does he know your history? Some men love a vulnerable woman to take advantage of.

So you set a boundary of needing someone with their own transport due to your location but you've thrown the boundary away because he's a nice guy?
You know you're just setting yourself up to do all the driving and it won't be equal unless he can get taxis to you.

As for Mr Waffle he is a future faker, why are you chatying to him when he has no intention of meeting?

I know my posts can be blunt but they are said with the best of intentions.
I am 3 years out of a 17yr emotionally abusive marriage so I totally get the low self esteem/low self confidence and the need to feel validated by men to feel worthy andall about putting up with shit behaviour.

Yeah I've realised that Mr Tall has me exactly where he wants me. Regular sex at his beck and call with no effort or commitment needed. It's shit and I'm worth more than that. I'm just hugely disappointed because I really liked him and thought we actually had a shot at something real but I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm living in fantasy land if I think I'll ever be more to him. He doesn't know my history as we never got that far!

I've had counselling on the NHS but it was rubbish and unhelpful. I can't afford to go private.

I didn't specifically have the boundary that transport is needed just that it would be very helpful. As it turns out Mr Surf lives very close to where I work and it's not far from me. If nothing else it'll be a fun afternoon out, we'll see.

I worked out a long time ago that Mr Waffle was not going anywhere 😂 No harm talking to him as a friend though, he is quite a good listener when I'm having a bad day.

@troobleflooble Does your work have a health scheme that gives you counselling?

Do you know what attachment style you are?
Personal development school have a great quiz and the results will help you understand why you're like you are and what you can do to sort things.

Might also be worth you reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I'm coming to the end of it and got lightbulbs going off left, right and centre.

Driving being helpful in a man is a mini boundary, enjoy your afternoon and take it from there.

If Mr Waffle is truly a friend, albeit one you've never met its fine but if he brings up meeting soon you need to call him out on it and tell him you know you're never going to meet abd your appreciate it if he stopped future faking.
Its a good way of reinforcing boundaries even if its just a friendship otherwise he thinks he's taking you for a mug.

I dont see that there is anything wrong with seeking a connection; connections are nice, fun, fulfilling? I dont exactly see it as an ‘emotional void’ or restlessness as such, we aren’t robots content to live alone with no companionship, we are feeling humans who enjoy company, relationships etc. There’s nothing wrong with having a glass of wine either! 😂

@Misty9 What a shame you deleted your post, I skim read it earlier and just came back to read it properly and to get the name of the book.

I definitely used to seek out men to fill my void, both physically and emotionally.
When your self esteem and self confidence are low you do often seek out men.

I think we should all be happy with ourselves before we seek it from others.
There may be times in our lives where we have limited contact with friends and family and being able to still be happy and functioning is a good skill to have.

Lurker here - yes a shame you deleted the post @Misty9 - I've read the Cath Gray book (Unexpected Joy of Being Single) and thoroughly recommend it too. It's not so much about giving up on wanting to find a partner - although she writes it after taking a year off dating - but about finding peace with yourself without a partner, and not thinking of being single as a state of incompleteness; something that needs to be 'fixed'.

I downloaded the book on audible and still listen to key chapters of it occasionally when I'm thinking of dipping my toe back into the apps - lots of great advice for navigating the early days of dating, and how to cope with something ending - particularly when it wasn't even something that great to start with.

@SortingItOut - I'm finishing up the Mr Unavailable book at the moment - lots of lightbulb moments there for me too.

@SortingItOut I completely agree with you about being happy with yourself before seeking it in others. I wasn't happy with myself until last year (friends have commented on it too) and now I'm happy on my own, have my life sorted out, I'd love to have had children but I'm 44 this year so that ship has sailed I think but I help out with Brownies so I get to do the fun stuff and hand them back.

I think I have life pretty sorted now, so I'm selective in the man I let into my life, he isn't there to fill a void he is there to enhance it.

Hi, I'd like to join in please :-)

I was here very briefly a few months back, I had a brief encounter with an iron ... Who after we had sex suddenly became super busy at work and couldn't meet again but was texting everyday. I eventually called him out on it and he said 'we drifted apart', then three weeks later he's Facebook official in a relationship.... Guess he didn't want to tell me so used the 'busy' excuse.

Anyway, I had a break from thinking about men, but last week decided to have a little look on tinder.

I have 4 irons right now.

1. Mr Near - he's ten minutes away by car. I'm not sure I'm physically attracted to him but He holds a great conversation and seems interested in getting to know each other. We have lots in common. We have date zero lined up for Tuesday. It will be limited to one hour because of me getting back for the school run.

1. Mr Rugby. He doesn't hold as good a conversation but not bad. He's funny and cute, and has a lovely voice (voice notes) We have things in common too. We've got vague plans to meet on the weekend.... He's not as direct at making plans as Mr Near

1. Mr medical - he's less chatty but we still message quite a lot. He's not as good at holding a conversation, tends to sometimes reply with an answer then not lead the conversation anywhere. But we have lots in common and he has children so understands the lack of free time. He's asked if I would like a cinema or coffee date.

1. Hmm, not even sure what to call this one. He takes a day or so to reply and isn't very chatty. We don't have as much in common. So can't really see it going anywhere...

So.....I'm super nervous about meeting up. Not sure why but could be because I come across as super confident in texts but I dont think I'm as confident in person until I'm comfortable with someone.
Also, I'm new to this and weirdly feel like I'm doing something wrong by having multiple dates. But I know it's the best way so I don't get hooked on one too soon and they're probably doing the same too!!!

I think (and overanalyse - can you tell from my posts? 😛) it’s easy for me to get into quite “dramatic” changes and commitments - eg thinking if I spend a year not dating and being solitary I’ll feel great.

But I agree with shayelle that we are human, dating and connecting is part of modern societal life?

I find the issue with me is when I completely opt out then I end up getting massive “in my head” limerance/crushes on unsuitable men, which I don’t think is that emotionally healthy.

Maybe the trick is to date and meet people but treat it all with a “light touch” and not tie up our emotions and self-esteem in it too much - it’s just meeting new people end of the day?

It’s also kind of a life skill knowing how to negotiate the dating/meeting new people scene.

I’ve definitely learned about curbing my people-pleasing tendencies and acting on red flags and setting boundaries a lot and hopefully these will assist me as I move through life and if I’m dating/meeting new people in the future.

I massively agree @SpringlikeBunk about it being a life skill navigating today’s dating scene.
I think as well that technology develops so quickly that human behaviour can’t adapt as fast and it all just feels quite misaligned…

@WingingItAtLife

Hi, I'd like to join in please :-)

I was here very briefly a few months back, I had a brief encounter with an iron ... Who after we had sex suddenly became super busy at work and couldn't meet again but was texting everyday. I eventually called him out on it and he said 'we drifted apart', then three weeks later he's Facebook official in a relationship.... Guess he didn't want to tell me so used the 'busy' excuse.

Anyway, I had a break from thinking about men, but last week decided to have a little look on tinder.

I have 4 irons right now.

1. Mr Near - he's ten minutes away by car. I'm not sure I'm physically attracted to him but He holds a great conversation and seems interested in getting to know each other. We have lots in common. We have date zero lined up for Tuesday. It will be limited to one hour because of me getting back for the school run.

1. Mr Rugby. He doesn't hold as good a conversation but not bad. He's funny and cute, and has a lovely voice (voice notes) We have things in common too. We've got vague plans to meet on the weekend.... He's not as direct at making plans as Mr Near

1. Mr medical - he's less chatty but we still message quite a lot. He's not as good at holding a conversation, tends to sometimes reply with an answer then not lead the conversation anywhere. But we have lots in common and he has children so understands the lack of free time. He's asked if I would like a cinema or coffee date.

1. Hmm, not even sure what to call this one. He takes a day or so to reply and isn't very chatty. We don't have as much in common. So can't really see it going anywhere...

So.....I'm super nervous about meeting up. Not sure why but could be because I come across as super confident in texts but I dont think I'm as confident in person until I'm comfortable with someone.
Also, I'm new to this and weirdly feel like I'm doing something wrong by having multiple dates. But I know it's the best way so I don't get hooked on one too soon and they're probably doing the same too!!!

First up - welcoMe!

Secondly - sorry about the shit iron you had before this new batch

Thirdly - don't think of this stage as dating. You're meeting some blokes for a coffee or something equally non committal as a filtering process so that you can decide whether or not you actually want to date any of them. (And this by the way why the ones who can't organise this date zero don't get a look in bye bye 👋🏻 flakes). Even then you might have a date or two with each one to decide if there's chemistry or a mutual feeling.
Bear in mind that they're probably all doing the same at this stage ...

I know @Shayelle2009 I’m a big girl now I can (just about) manage the army of penis-wielding nutcases on Fab!

I think the rule of thumb (or rule of dick) is to delete them without opening along with all the “hey sexi “ titles.

The few guys I’m chatting to there now I haven’t seen any of their junk (yet ).

I didn’t get into tinder/bumble/the apps till later than most people and I think I’ve only just got the hang of it?

For me, it’s as much about learning my own vulnerabilities and emotional comfort zones as it is about how to technically use the apps.

Okay... Here it is again:

Me again. Not sure why I'm posting really, but if it helps one other person like me, well..

I highly highly recommend the book The Unexpected Joy of Being Single by Catherine Gray. So much is gold in it, but this in particular stood out for me:

"I begin to realize that pouring a glass of wine and clicking on a dating app are the exact same process. They're a restlessness, an emotional void, that we attempt to fill by grabbing a substance/person outside of ourselves."

Sure I've been ghosted, dumped unceremoniously as soon as I've given up the goods, and had many an unrequited love affair. But of my serious relationships, every single one has been ended by me. So I'm either attracting the wrong sort of person for me, or it's something I need to find in me, not another person. I realised I've been either coupled up or pining after someone/in some disastrous situation practically my whole adult life. I haven't had a sustained period of time single where I wasn't looking for love. So that's where I'll start. No more dating apps or scanning for eligible men wherever I go. I am enough. And I'm going to find whatever it is I need within, because that can't be taken away.

I wish you all luck on your journeys to loving yourself and those worthy of your love.

And the reason I deleted it? I guess I wasn't sure it was the right place in hindsight. She wrote the book several years after her one year off dating, and talks about repeating the same mistakes after that too - likening it to having to work out how to drink in moderation rather than be abstinent or blind drunk. That I can definitely relate to for my dating life! I crave connection, it comes from a childhood of emotional neglect, but I'm going to learn to meet that need for myself and not rely on others to do it for me. I think online dating has commoditized dating, and love, and taken the authenticity out of human connection. So I'm going to aim to live my life rather than waiting for someone to 'complete' me. And that's no comment on anyone else on this thread, just my own state of being.

Again, good luck to all in whatever you search.

@WingingItAtLife

Welcome back I agree with @BelladiMamma they’re all fairly “light” unconfirmed contacts at this stage so just let them pan out?

Some may flake or not even get to the first meet or even disappear or disappoint at the first meet.

I think with apps/chatting via messaging it’s so easy to build up virtual rapport but until you’ve got past a few meets it’s all ambiguous. They’re probably arranging multiple meets too.

@SpringlikeBunk

I know *@Shayelle2009* I’m a big girl now I can (just about) manage the army of penis-wielding nutcases on Fab!

I think the rule of thumb (or rule of dick) is to delete them without opening along with all the “hey sexi “ titles.

The few guys I’m chatting to there now I haven’t seen any of their junk (yet ).

I didn’t get into tinder/bumble/the apps till later than most people and I think I’ve only just got the hang of it?

For me, it’s as much about learning my own vulnerabilities and emotional comfort zones as it is about how to technically use the apps.

PMSL at the first sentence already. What a way with words you have 😃

@Misty9

Okay... Here it is again:

Me again. Not sure why I'm posting really, but if it helps one other person like me, well..

I highly highly recommend the book The Unexpected Joy of Being Single by Catherine Gray. So much is gold in it, but this in particular stood out for me:

"I begin to realize that pouring a glass of wine and clicking on a dating app are the exact same process. They're a restlessness, an emotional void, that we attempt to fill by grabbing a substance/person outside of ourselves."

Sure I've been ghosted, dumped unceremoniously as soon as I've given up the goods, and had many an unrequited love affair. But of my serious relationships, every single one has been ended by me. So I'm either attracting the wrong sort of person for me, or it's something I need to find in me, not another person. I realised I've been either coupled up or pining after someone/in some disastrous situation practically my whole adult life. I haven't had a sustained period of time single where I wasn't looking for love. So that's where I'll start. No more dating apps or scanning for eligible men wherever I go. I am enough. And I'm going to find whatever it is I need within, because that can't be taken away.

I wish you all luck on your journeys to loving yourself and those worthy of your love.

And the reason I deleted it? I guess I wasn't sure it was the right place in hindsight. She wrote the book several years after her one year off dating, and talks about repeating the same mistakes after that too - likening it to having to work out how to drink in moderation rather than be abstinent or blind drunk. That I can definitely relate to for my dating life! I crave connection, it comes from a childhood of emotional neglect, but I'm going to learn to meet that need for myself and not rely on others to do it for me. I think online dating has commoditized dating, and love, and taken the authenticity out of human connection. So I'm going to aim to live my life rather than waiting for someone to 'complete' me. And that's no comment on anyone else on this thread, just my own state of being.

Again, good luck to all in whatever you search.

I'm down with this. Thanks for reposting 💜