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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 206 - picking up tradesmen aswell as dates

992 replies

Dancerinthemoonlight · 14/06/2021 16:07

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
BelladiMamma · 18/06/2021 20:50

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma
Feeling “renewed” = exactly where we need to be with dating 👌😊👍🏽

And yes thanks 🙏😘 I think psycho boy is gone so I’ll probably not block unless he messages again?

It’s all a learning curve so I guess next time I’ll remembered use a bit of critical thinking - “if it’s too good to be true it probably is”

Should have been asking - why is someone who is a very very good catch on paper driving 1.5 hours for a date with someone in the next city?

When his city is full of cute hipster international women? Unless he’s got a very bad local reputation or there’s something to hide there.

On the plus side I’m feeling a bit more resilient/confident with dating (this thread is a lifesaver) so not going to delete apps in a fit of pique any more![/quote]
It's also so draining when it doesn't go well ...
But am loving the feeling of being in a good relationship with a good person

BelladiMamma · 18/06/2021 20:52

[quote Shayelle2009]@VanGoghsDog did you see Mr WG yesterday?? How did it go??

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards waahoooo!! A date zero for you - you go girl 🥳🥳

@BelladiMamma.. I was due to fly over to my Dad in august, not seen him for nearly 5 years and due to this joke of a PCR test conundrum I’ve postponed til December. So sad but these tests are ridiculous coming to nearly £350.

@bangheadhere40 I feel the same I find this thread and the lovely people on it such a great comfort.. and source of giggles 😆😆[/quote]
I had to go twice because he was hospitalised in an emergency & wasn't aware that you were supposed to use private providers for the PCR test 🤯 and also got stung for a few £££

VanGoghsDog · 18/06/2021 20:56

Well.....

...first of all as he arrived, so did the gardener/postman who asked me out for dinner a couple of weeks ago. I was very confused to open the door to the postie (without a parcel, at 6pm) and MrWG's car on the drive (but could not see him). So, there I am staring at postie, and he says something I don't understand (because he speaks Geordie and I don't) and I say "have you got a parcel for me?" he says no, come for my money - OH! He's come for his pay for the lawn, I was relieved I can tell you, for a minute I thought I'd maybe accidentally arranged a date with him without realising due to his accent. Pay him, MrWG standing on the driveway wondering why I have a postman at 6pm.....
Postie says "you going out?", I say yes, he says "lucky bugger" looking at MrWG!

...aaanyways.......MrWG helps me with the loo flush, turns off the water. We go to eat, bumping into the plumber on the way (village life, eh?). ((Plumber is coming Monday to fix the loo))
Food/pub was lovely, walk was sweaty and humid.

Home, bed. So, he's very good at everything......except sex! Loses erection when it gets to the sex part. Can finish by BJ/HJ though, so it's not a physical thing. We don't talk about that (last time he said he'd bring viagra and I don't know if he did, but suspect he did because he didn't have a drink and you're advised not to drink with it).
I actually don't mind right now, because all the rest is great, and maybe he'll gradually get over it. I don't want him to be under pressure.
Holds me all the time, kisses me all over, strokes every part of me, asks what I want etc.
He's so lovely, got up and brought me tea in bed in the morning. More playing, I logged on to work at 9am and went back to bed til 9.57am when I got up for a 10am meeting and he left. I told him that if I had a bacon sandwich it would be the perfect morning - he said he'd remember that!

Anyway, lots of discussion about sex, kink, what we both want to do etc, til about 3am. But none about 'the relationship' - I am very sure he just wants casual.

Today, Mr Decorator texted and asked if I have any dates lined up, then said "because I'd like to take you out". He feels bad and thinks him doing the decorating got in the way of him asking me out and he knows I had other dates. I said "is this potentially a date?", he said "I am asking you on a date, just in case you weren't sure I'm attracted to you" - anyway, upshot is that I said it would be nice to go out with him but I don't see us having a relationship. He said he appreciates my honesty.
I mean, he's good looking but he has so little conversation and no oomf. (he might have the oomf MrWG doesn't though!)

MrTall has been pretty quiet, I've not engaged either, but he also has no conversation, so it's not like I'm ignoring something, there's almost nothing, but I have to tell him it's a no, now I've practiced on Decorator it might be easier.

I'm exhausted, luckily my plans for tonight got cancelled.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 18/06/2021 21:02

Yay Belladi what a lovely loved-up update ❤

bangheadhere40 · 18/06/2021 21:13

I wouldn't like that luckylinda think I would have to say something and ask why he's on there....

Chatting to a normal iron...Mr Normal. As standard he lives bloody miles away! I live in a tourist area so seem to match with men who are up here on hols then find out they live bloomin hours away.

LuckyLinda3 · 18/06/2021 21:31

@bangheadhere40 yeah I'm not thrilled. I know hes been really keen for the past few weeks about organising to meet and actually meeting so I dont know why either. I don't want to be all heavy but i will see how things are when he gets back and possibly drop it into the conversation. Up to this I'm confident he has been choosing to spend his free time with me. Confusing.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 18/06/2021 21:56

banghead I also live in a holiday town and have had that. Really annoying.

I've just signed up to Hinge, set an age range and ticked that it's a deal breaker. And I'm getting kids! 18, 20s... and you have to scroll to see the age... anyone know what I'm doing wrong?

There's a lot of good looking kids out there...

BelladiMamma · 18/06/2021 22:32

@WeWantTheFinestWines

banghead I also live in a holiday town and have had that. Really annoying.

I've just signed up to Hinge, set an age range and ticked that it's a deal breaker. And I'm getting kids! 18, 20s... and you have to scroll to see the age... anyone know what I'm doing wrong?

There's a lot of good looking kids out there...

I had this too, got loads of young blokes trying to chat me up. Felt strange! Only went after I paid for membership
OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 18/06/2021 22:35

Hi everyone,

Mr. Irish has asked me to go to his house potentially for a first date! I'm unhappy with this as he's a stranger to me and let's face it, he could do anything to me at his house! This all came about because I told him I was disabled and can't drive I want to learn one day if I can, but it's not really an essential thing at the moment. I don't go out a lot anyway)

I mean, the only man's house I've been to is my ex's, but we were in a relationship so it's a bit different.

I think he's a bit taken aback that I'm disabled because he wants someone he can go on country walks with.

I'm just going to say that I would prefer to meet somewhere public, then again part of me is thinking I should stop taking to him because it's a bit strange to suggest to a stranger that they
should watch a movie at their house Confused

BelladiMamma · 18/06/2021 22:38

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Yay Belladi what a lovely loved-up update ❤
Thank you 🥰

It's nice to share

BelladiMamma · 18/06/2021 22:42

@VanGoghsDog

Well.....

...first of all as he arrived, so did the gardener/postman who asked me out for dinner a couple of weeks ago. I was very confused to open the door to the postie (without a parcel, at 6pm) and MrWG's car on the drive (but could not see him). So, there I am staring at postie, and he says something I don't understand (because he speaks Geordie and I don't) and I say "have you got a parcel for me?" he says no, come for my money - OH! He's come for his pay for the lawn, I was relieved I can tell you, for a minute I thought I'd maybe accidentally arranged a date with him without realising due to his accent. Pay him, MrWG standing on the driveway wondering why I have a postman at 6pm.....
Postie says "you going out?", I say yes, he says "lucky bugger" looking at MrWG!

...aaanyways.......MrWG helps me with the loo flush, turns off the water. We go to eat, bumping into the plumber on the way (village life, eh?). ((Plumber is coming Monday to fix the loo))
Food/pub was lovely, walk was sweaty and humid.

Home, bed. So, he's very good at everything......except sex! Loses erection when it gets to the sex part. Can finish by BJ/HJ though, so it's not a physical thing. We don't talk about that (last time he said he'd bring viagra and I don't know if he did, but suspect he did because he didn't have a drink and you're advised not to drink with it).
I actually don't mind right now, because all the rest is great, and maybe he'll gradually get over it. I don't want him to be under pressure.
Holds me all the time, kisses me all over, strokes every part of me, asks what I want etc.
He's so lovely, got up and brought me tea in bed in the morning. More playing, I logged on to work at 9am and went back to bed til 9.57am when I got up for a 10am meeting and he left. I told him that if I had a bacon sandwich it would be the perfect morning - he said he'd remember that!

Anyway, lots of discussion about sex, kink, what we both want to do etc, til about 3am. But none about 'the relationship' - I am very sure he just wants casual.

Today, Mr Decorator texted and asked if I have any dates lined up, then said "because I'd like to take you out". He feels bad and thinks him doing the decorating got in the way of him asking me out and he knows I had other dates. I said "is this potentially a date?", he said "I am asking you on a date, just in case you weren't sure I'm attracted to you" - anyway, upshot is that I said it would be nice to go out with him but I don't see us having a relationship. He said he appreciates my honesty.
I mean, he's good looking but he has so little conversation and no oomf. (he might have the oomf MrWG doesn't though!)

MrTall has been pretty quiet, I've not engaged either, but he also has no conversation, so it's not like I'm ignoring something, there's almost nothing, but I have to tell him it's a no, now I've practiced on Decorator it might be easier.

I'm exhausted, luckily my plans for tonight got cancelled.

Re MrWG I had this with my ex, sometimes we could deal with it sometimes not and I'd feel vvv frustrated. Personally I felt I could have dealt with it better if he'd been prepared to talk about it but he was totally head in sand so left me not sure what to think. Doesn't sound like that's the case with WG. How committed are you feeling to him? It looks like you can either play the field a but more and take MrTall out for a spin or have a further conversation with MrWG...? In any case, it's great that you have so many options at the moment
BelladiMamma · 18/06/2021 22:43

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Hi everyone,

Mr. Irish has asked me to go to his house potentially for a first date! I'm unhappy with this as he's a stranger to me and let's face it, he could do anything to me at his house! This all came about because I told him I was disabled and can't drive I want to learn one day if I can, but it's not really an essential thing at the moment. I don't go out a lot anyway)

I mean, the only man's house I've been to is my ex's, but we were in a relationship so it's a bit different.

I think he's a bit taken aback that I'm disabled because he wants someone he can go on country walks with.

I'm just going to say that I would prefer to meet somewhere public, then again part of me is thinking I should stop taking to him because it's a bit strange to suggest to a stranger that they
should watch a movie at their house Confused

Hmm. That's not a date zero. A date zero is coffee ☕️ during which you figure out if you ever want to see him again, going to his house is then after as many dates as you need to feel comfortable. Can you talk to him about it? If you feel you can't, there's your answer
Dancerinthemoonlight · 18/06/2021 22:46

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I absolutely agree with not wanting to go to someone's on a first meet. You don't know that person or what their intentions actually are. All the irons/potential irons I have met have been in a public place

OP posts:
SpringlikeBunk · 18/06/2021 22:58

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

I agree stick to “I’d prefer to meet out”. If he tries to “negotiate” or change your mind, just block him.

Had a lovely proper old school date tonight - cocktails and dinner, the works.

Not necessarily immediate sparks but he’s attractive and clearly likes me and would be up for a second if we can manage .

Yes seems on Fab there’s a few guys sending messages which are very “respectful” and offering face photos and clearly stating they’re out for something sexual but also to build a connection etc?

lot of guys on fab seem also of the creepy persuasion and I’ve seen more phalli in the last day than I have in all of 2021 Hmm

(though in a way it’s better they’re direct rather than the usual Tinder crew

“Hi! I’m Dave! I like my job as a wholesome geeky children’s doctor and enjoy hillwalking. I love my mum and am looking to settle down.

I am really sympathetic and understanding, oh I’m so sorry for your issues ....”.

Five messages along

“Can you send me a photo of your urethra in exchange for one of my junk?”)

lovelost21 · 18/06/2021 23:00

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Hi everyone,

Mr. Irish has asked me to go to his house potentially for a first date! I'm unhappy with this as he's a stranger to me and let's face it, he could do anything to me at his house! This all came about because I told him I was disabled and can't drive I want to learn one day if I can, but it's not really an essential thing at the moment. I don't go out a lot anyway)

I mean, the only man's house I've been to is my ex's, but we were in a relationship so it's a bit different.

I think he's a bit taken aback that I'm disabled because he wants someone he can go on country walks with.

I'm just going to say that I would prefer to meet somewhere public, then again part of me is thinking I should stop taking to him because it's a bit strange to suggest to a stranger that they
should watch a movie at their house Confused

Hmm that doesn't sound good him inviting you to his house for a first date . Suggest you meet out in a public place and if he doesn't want that , you have your answer.
BelladiMamma · 18/06/2021 23:01

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

I agree stick to “I’d prefer to meet out”. If he tries to “negotiate” or change your mind, just block him.

Had a lovely proper old school date tonight - cocktails and dinner, the works.

Not necessarily immediate sparks but he’s attractive and clearly likes me and would be up for a second if we can manage .

Yes seems on Fab there’s a few guys sending messages which are very “respectful” and offering face photos and clearly stating they’re out for something sexual but also to build a connection etc?

lot of guys on fab seem also of the creepy persuasion and I’ve seen more phalli in the last day than I have in all of 2021 Hmm

(though in a way it’s better they’re direct rather than the usual Tinder crew

“Hi! I’m Dave! I like my job as a wholesome geeky children’s doctor and enjoy hillwalking. I love my mum and am looking to settle down.

I am really sympathetic and understanding, oh I’m so sorry for your issues ....”.

Five messages along

“Can you send me a photo of your urethra in exchange for one of my junk?”)[/quote]
Dave 😂 ... yeah I know the type ... 'I'm so
Supportive to all my single girlfriends. They can tell me anything. Like what they like doing in bed and if they like it up the a&*se.' Unbe-ducking-lievable. Every ducking time Dave 🤬

SortingItOut · 18/06/2021 23:13

@LuckyLinda3 I've put below a copy and paste of an old post of mine and I think its worth bearing in mind considering you've been dating for 8 weeks, you need to have conversations at some point:

Nowadays the questions you need to ask to establish things are IMHO:

  1. Are you on the apps? You may need to expand on this as he may think having a profile but not logging in means he is off it. Also is his profile hidden or deleted?
  1. Is he multi dating? Not multi dating doesnt mean you are boyfriend/girlfriend, it just means he isnt dating others?
Does he envisage he wants to multidate now or in the future?
  1. Are you exclusive? This is different to the boyfriend/girlfriend question. Is he chatting/flirting/sexting/emotionally or physically intimate with anyone else?
Some people think exclusive is sexual exclusivity but I think sexting others is not an exclusive behaviour.
  1. What are you? Casually dating? Going with the flow? Boyfriend/girlfriend?
Lots in between all those too.
  1. For further down the line....what do you think is cheating? Years ago I never thought I'd have this conversation with someone but after my husband emotionally cheated I felt I should and so Mr K and I had the chat once we'd had the exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend chat. It was important for me (and him actually) that we had similar views on what constituted cheating and what was acceptable behaviour.

Think about what you want now and in the future and your answers to those questions and then ask him.
If you're intimate already then questions 1 -3 are perfectly fine to ask for now.

Question 4 can come later or if 1 - 3 go well.

LuckyLinda3 · 18/06/2021 23:20

@SortingItOut thanks so much. Food for thought there. I have been at his, met his son, met his friends and i know he has told work colleagues about us. I have yet to introduce him to my kids as I've always been open about only being recently dating after separating from my exh of 20+ years. Think I need to have a wee chat, as others have said, nothing heavy but just to check in.

SpringlikeBunk · 18/06/2021 23:26

Agree those are great and well formulated questions @SortingItOut

It’s far better to have that discussion than have to explain why you’re upset about someone texting an ex in an inappropriate way etc

I also think if a guy is seriously into you he’ll prefer it if you actually show you care about the relationship rather than being too “cool girl” and relaxed?

SortingItOut · 18/06/2021 23:28

@LuckyLinda3 The thing is that even though you've done all that stuff it means nothing unless you have a conversation.

I had FWBs that I did all that with but we both knew we were only FWBs.

Definitely have a conversation as soon as you can otherwise you might end up hurt because you both thought different things.

LuckyLinda3 · 19/06/2021 00:26

@Sortingitout thank you! Great advice.

Shayelle2009 · 19/06/2021 07:11

@LuckyLinda3 definitely have a conversation with him. If it’s not acceptable to you that he’s still active on the sites I don’t blame you. I wasn’t good with it either, but mine found it more important to stay active on the sites than be empathetic to my feelings, so that was that. Hopefully yours will be better than that ☺️

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards disappointing for you that that’s what he’s offered. I’d unmatch someone for that, with no explanation given as they know exactly what they’re doing. Shows where intentions are and that’s not what you want.

@VanGoghsDog glad you’ve been enjoying yourself 😬 I can imagine you wondering why the hell the postie was standing at the door when it was meant to be WG 😅

@BelladiMamma your updates with MrBear are lovely to read!! Gives some of us hope ☺️☺️💘

@Dirtyduck MrManager sounds nice so far, good luck with it 👍

Shayelle2009 · 19/06/2021 07:37

Ooh @SpringlikeBunk glad you had a lovely dinner date! Hope this one was less of a psycho!!

SingaporeFlamingo · 19/06/2021 08:36

@SortingItOut thank for sharing your advice, I have screen shot for when the time is right.

Heartbeats0708 · 19/06/2021 09:15

Ah sorry to hear that too @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards Next!
I wouldn't do a first date at someone's house/my house. Not even a fab 'social'.
Things still going nicely with Mr D. We have good conversation and I like that he doesn't instantly reply to messages, but takes a little time to think about what he wants to say. He clearly pays attention to what I've said too .