Am I being unfair - buying a house without DP

[sunshinesally11]

Currently I live in a tiny house with my 2DC. My DP of 5 years (who has 1 DC) shares a house with his brother (his DC has their own room there).

We can't afford to buy a property together for the size we need as DP says that his DC needs their own bedroom and can't share with my youngest of a similar age. I'm not prepared to go from owning a home to renting.

My parents have offered to purchase me a bigger house than I have now. This would be a 3 bed, so a bedroom each for my DC and one for me. If this bedroom was a 4 bed, my DP would have moved in and contributed towards the household bills. But because this would be a 3 bed, it would mean his DC wouldn't get their own room, and he would refuse to move in on that basis. In fact, he was pretty cross that I'd consider moving to a 3 bed in the first place.

Am I being unreasonable here? I feel in a really awkward position as potentially to live with my DP and his DC have their own room, I would have to turn down the offer of a 3 bed from my parents. But if i do accept the offer then I know my DP would not react well.

Does anyone have any advice?

although he seems to think I'm unreasonable for not selling my house and then renting somewhere with him!)

Just be glad you found this out, up front

Absolutely accept your parents very kind offer. You might find life is much better without all the strains that come from trying to blend families.

It would be madness to give up the security of having your own home for the sake of sharing with him.

You can of course have a serious, fulfilling and committed relationship with someone without actually sharing a house. The difficulties of sharing space with someone else as well as blending families should not be underestimated.

Men do seem to be keener on sharing space than women who already have their own home. I do wonder how much of that is because they see at least some wife work working in their favour.

Go into your 3 bed. You’re not doing anything wrong

YANBU to go ahead and do what's best for you and DCs.

However, do not marry him - because then he could divorce you and claim half of your house! Please think well in advance!

he doesn't contribute towards food, bills or housework.

Why am I not surprised ? I hesitated before posting my note about wife work but there it is.

As an aside, even if he could afford to contribute capital so that you could buy jointly, I would encourage you not to, for all the risks that come with joint house ownership and blending families. As women we often take on the role of keeping the peace and making everyone else is happy.

Enjoy your parent's very generous offer. Don't let them have to consider what might go wrong if you moved him in.

He spends more than 85% of the month in your home

He contributes 0% financially

Have a think about whether that means he respects you or not.

I'm repeating myself but I cannot believe you've even even contemplating turning down a house for you and YOUR KIDS due to the potential hurt feelings of this guy?!

He spends all but four days each month in your home and doesn't contribute! I cannot fathom the attraction to this man.

@LolaSmiles

He may not WANT to rent with his brother, but his housing situation is his problem, not yours.

It's quite convenient how many men seem to get into relationships with women who are in stronger financial positions and then expect the woman in their life to provide for him and his DC.

I don't want to jump the gun, but it's a big red flag to me that a man would want you to give up your own financial security and give up your children's secure long-term housing, in order to move into rental with him (aka bankroll his preferred living situation so him and his DC can have a house he can't afford)

Absolutely this.

Don't let them have to consider what might go wrong if you moved him in.

That. That. That. And that.

I think you should do as you please regarding the house. But you may need to accept that the relationship is not going anywhere if you won’t work together to find a way to pool your resources and get a house that you can both live in.

I feel sorry for OP's son who is possibly going to have to share with a boy who only appears 4 times a month.
I do not understand why women allow themselves to be taken in by so many "cocklodgers". I see it on here and also around me in real life. I have had experience of it myself and very quickly I got rid of him. He is doing the same elsewhere now.

You should take the offer of the 3-bed house!

As far as your DP is concerned, the position is no different from the current situation - there isn't a room for his DC.

But as far as you and your DC are concerned, it is a big upgrade in terms of space and living conditions.

So I think it is a no-brainer really.

I know you're not keen to rent, but can I ask whether your DP could actually afford his half of the rent and bills on a 4 bedroom house?

Have you sat and discussed the offer your parents made, show him that his dc would have a bed, just not a bedroom eg top bunk. If he still says no then I think you need to accept he's not wanting a relationship that's serious

Definitely move to the 3 bed.

In the longer term though, could you convert the loft to make it a 4 bed?

Jeez OP, I can believe you're even in a relationship with this guy never mind turning down a fantastic opportunity from your parents.

The 2 best things you could do in this situation is 1) accept your parents offer and 2) fuck this freeloading, cocklodging waste of space out of your house and life

*are not is

@motogogo

Have you honestly read the thread?

Why would OP put herself out to try and convince someone who is already staying all but a few days a month in her house, contributing nothing to the bills or housework, to move in with her?

Really, why would you encourage someone to do that?

@R0SEMARY

Yes I agree, do what’s right for you and your kids. Because that’s what he’s doing.

This! Exactly this!

But you may need to accept that the relationship is not going anywhere if you won’t work together to find a way to pool your resources and get a house that you can both live in

Indeed she may. But as long as she is the only one half way willing, and is the one funding the pool while her partner dips his welly occasionally in a puddle, it isn’t ever going to be equal or fair.

He has no right to make demands on her (and the dcs) secure future if he can’t pull his finger out of his arse hand out of his pocket and make meaningful contributions.

eau de cocque logerre :o

Agree. Don't move in with him. He's your DP, you don't live together, and you don't have to. Getting this bigger house is between you and your parents (and your DC) for YOUR future security, and an opportunity you should definitely take without his involvement, so that you always have that security. His reaction would make me even more sure that living with him would not be a great plan. Keep things as they are so that his housing situation is his problem. Otherwise it becomes your problem and becomes a hard situation to get out of if you ever want to.

If he "doesn't react well", well for me that would be goodbye twatface!

Obviously you should go ahead with buying the 3 bedroom.
You need to really work out what happens in the future. If he is staying there so much he should contribute

Bloody hell!!

He saw you coming didn't he???!!!

He lives with you making no contribution to any fucking thing and just pops home when he has his DC?

He wants your parents to buy a house big enough for his DC to have their own room or you will have to rent?

I would buy a home for yourself and your DC OP and not bother sending him the forwarding address. You are being taken for a mug here.

Please don’t get financially involved with this man.

Get the house that’s right for you and your children. Continue to date the chap if you wish.

Also I don't think it's inevitable that just because you have a partner, there has to be a destination of moving in together - especially if you have kids. You can have a relationship and never move in together, that's allowed. I have sworn that if I ever have a relationship again, however much in love we may be, I am NOT sharing a home with a man ever again.

What a cock lodging cheeky fucker!

Your kids are more important than this man child.

How long have you been with this waste of space?

how about you propose that you buy the Take a three bedroom house, rent it out, and then go halves on them renting a four bedroom house. Asking to pay half of all and every bill, and let him know that his child could have his/her own bedroom.

I suspect he would have some reason why this wouldn't work.

If you were wanting to find a solution, does the place have a dining room? Could it be made up so that it's a bedroom when the child is here when they're not is flip back to a dining room or a spare room or a second lounge or whatever? For four nights a month, and potentially sometime in the day during the weekend I think that would be okay with the child at least

@sunshinesally11

His DC stays with him 4 overnights a month, but has dinner there quite regularly.

I'm not sure he's expecting my parents to buy a 4 bed as that would be too expensive.

We've always said that we would live together eventually, but I just don't see how that's going to happen if his DC has to have their own room. He thinks if we can ever find a suitable house then we should just rent, but that would mean selling my house whereas he already rents!

Didn't you post about this weeks ago, OP? If so, nothing has changed from then. He wants you to give up the security of being a homeowner to rent, so he can accommodate his child overnight a few times a month. I understand he wants what's best for his child and fears they'll feel left out without their own room, but if he can't afford to buy with you, you shouldn't rent just because you fear he's not going to react well. That's hardly a healthy dynamic.