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Original poster

Am I being unfair - buying a house without DP

358 replies

sunshinesally11 · 14/06/2021 12:37

Currently I live in a tiny house with my 2DC. My DP of 5 years (who has 1 DC) shares a house with his brother (his DC has their own room there).

We can't afford to buy a property together for the size we need as DP says that his DC needs their own bedroom and can't share with my youngest of a similar age. I'm not prepared to go from owning a home to renting.

My parents have offered to purchase me a bigger house than I have now. This would be a 3 bed, so a bedroom each for my DC and one for me. If this bedroom was a 4 bed, my DP would have moved in and contributed towards the household bills. But because this would be a 3 bed, it would mean his DC wouldn't get their own room, and he would refuse to move in on that basis. In fact, he was pretty cross that I'd consider moving to a 3 bed in the first place.

Am I being unreasonable here? I feel in a really awkward position as potentially to live with my DP and his DC have their own room, I would have to turn down the offer of a 3 bed from my parents. But if i do accept the offer then I know my DP would not react well.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
78percentLindt · 14/06/2021 15:34

Can't believe he doesn't pay anything. In effect, you are subsidising his brother living in a 3 bed house on his own 24/28 days a month. I'm assuming he doesn't share a room with his DB so his DS can have his own room for 4 nughts a month.
He wants you to sell your house to rent a 4 bed with him? And will he decide where any profit from your sale goes???
Why are you with him. He is obviously out for himself and your kids should come first.
If you let your parents buy you a house, make sure ownership is tied up very securely-otherwise he will have that cash as well
Better still, Get Rid, and- I have never said this before - raise your stanards.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/06/2021 15:35

If he did move in with you what would he be bringing to the table?

Cutlery, at most, I reckon.

Only his own though obviously because why should he have to contribute to anyone else's dinner?

Original poster
sunshinesally11 · 14/06/2021 15:36

@DumpyDonkey I am reading when I can, but I'm also at work currently

OP posts:
billy1966 · 14/06/2021 15:40

@R0SEMARY

So your parents have offered to do something very generous for you and your children that would greatly increase your quality of life.

It won’t change your BFs situation or harm him in any way.

Yet his reaction will be to be react badly . Not happy for you and your kids. This says a lot about him.

This.

I would be very wary OP.

He sounds like a selfish man and you sound as if your head needs a wobble.

Your obligations are to your children.
Remember that!

Viviennemary · 14/06/2021 15:42

Can't see why the 4 bedroom should be so impossible. He needs to shape up and make up the difference.

gamerchick · 14/06/2021 15:43

[quote sunshinesally11]@DumpyDonkey I am reading when I can, but I'm also at work currently [/quote]
Ignore the impatient OP. People are accustomed to quick results and think people's real lives should move just as quick.

You know what to do, take the house on offer and let him whinge. Your own kids come first. Good luck.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 14/06/2021 15:45

I’m getting a whiff of eau de cocque logerre here.

Either that or a cuckoo in the nest.

Either way, Tis a Nuh from me.

When he is in a position to contribute properly, he’ll get a say. He doesn’t get to dictate how you live or how much your parents spend or indeed what they buy.

You and your dc are your parents’ concern. He doesn’t figure just at the mo.

I’ve a feeling if you budge an inch, your purse will be open more often than my mouth is…

billy1966 · 14/06/2021 15:48

OP,
He lives with you most of the time and pays and contributes nothing.

Where is your self respect?

How can you put up with this?

He is a user.

You are a mug.

Your poor parents.

Ellie56 · 14/06/2021 15:55

Grab your lovely parents' kind offer with both hands.

Then dump the freeloading wanker, who lives with you virtually full time and contributes nothing.Angry

AntiStars · 14/06/2021 15:59

Apologies as not read the whole thread but would a sofa bed be an option?? That way you and your children (the permanent residents) get their own room. Partner is welcome to move in and contribute towards bills (I’m guessing he’ll not want to pay 50:50 if his child is only there 4 nights/month and you have 1 extra child) and you can make it into a special thing that for 4 nights a month partners son gets to sleep in a magic big bed. As kids we loved sleeping somewhere different from everyone else like downstairs and yes it will inconvenience everyone else who wants the lounge but it is only 4 nights a month and shows compromise?

Jaxhog · 14/06/2021 16:02

Hmmm.

If he can't afford to contribute towards a mortgage to make a 4-bed house feasible, yet wants to share a rental with you, then I'd be concerned about his financial position. Will he expect you to pick up all the bills? I'd also be wary of him thinking he can spend your 'windfall' from the sale of your house.

He is being very unreasonable. Don't give up your financial security for the sake of a bedmate.

Isthisit22 · 14/06/2021 16:03

@altforvarmt

So, the two of you cannot afford a 4 bedroom house together. And you, alone, cannot afford a 4 bedroom house. And he won't live with you in anything less than a 4 bedroom house.

There's no dilemma here. You're not in a position to meet his demands, so you don't and won't live together.

When all that's considered, it really doesn't matter which 3 bedroom house you live in.

Or is he expecting you/your parents to magic up a 4 bedroom house to meet his requirements?

This
EL8888 · 14/06/2021 16:04

Another YANBU. He who pays the piper, calls the tune. If he wants a 4 bed, rather than a 3 bed then he needs to put his hand in his pocket. I wouldn’t go from owning to renting if l was you. Say yes to your parents -as long as that has no complications

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/06/2021 16:06

[quote sunshinesally11]@DumpyDonkey I am reading when I can, but I'm also at work currently [/quote]
Don't feel you have to respond, or apologise. The impatient amongst us will have to get used to people being otherwise occupied.

Take your own time.

Littlepaws18 · 14/06/2021 16:10

@sunshinesally11

Just to answer a couple of questions - no my DP can't afford to top up the cash to make it a 4 bed.

My DC both share a room with step siblings so I don't really understand his DC needing their own room, but I guess that's his decision.

If he can't support the house decision financially then he doesn't get a say. You need to ensure you and your children are stable first. He can join the mix when he has seen sense or when he has the cash to fit his requirements.
SixesAndEights · 14/06/2021 16:12

At the very least he needs to start contributing to the household in which he pretty much lives for 26/27 days of the month.

Accept your parents generous offer, and when you've moved bring up his contributing and see the excuses fly!

He's really onto a winner with you! He's taking advantage of you.

MadMadMadamMim · 14/06/2021 16:17

There are so many red flags here!

Why are you with this guy? You've wasted 5 years with someone who rents with his brother, but is happy for you to fund most of his living expenses by crashing at your place most of the time.

And who can't afford to buy a 4 bedroom house but will settle for nothing less.

It's daft. I'd be dumping him.

I'd certainly take up your parents offer and put my DC first.

Twoforthree · 14/06/2021 16:19

How much rent does he pay his brother for two rooms, 4 nights a month?

I’m guessing not much, right?

Do they even have stuff there, or are they essentially staying in his spare rooms once a week?

lastcall · 14/06/2021 16:19

Personally? I'd end the relationship.

He doesn't care if you are in a worse financial position, he doesn't contribute to bills/food purchase/etc. His child is only with him 4 nights a month ... but he wants to prioritize a separate room for said child?

Nope.

Accept your parents' offer if they can afford it, keep his name off of it, and don't marry him. Wish him luck in life, but tell him it won't be at your and your own children's expense.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/06/2021 16:24

So he wants a full time bedroom for a child who stays 4 times a month

Assume he had own bedroom with his mum

Op has said her kids share at their dads house

So why can’t his son share at yours with same sex or the youngest

Bibidy · 14/06/2021 16:25

@sunshinesally11

His DC stays with him 4 overnights a month, but has dinner there quite regularly.

I'm not sure he's expecting my parents to buy a 4 bed as that would be too expensive.

We've always said that we would live together eventually, but I just don't see how that's going to happen if his DC has to have their own room. He thinks if we can ever find a suitable house then we should just rent, but that would mean selling my house whereas he already rents!

There is no way I'd sell my house to spend the money on renting. That is your financial security.

He is being unreasonable to try and force your hand in this. If a compromise can't be found then obviously he needs to understand that you will remain living separately, in your own preferred manner.

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 16:28

@sunshinesally11

I remember your last Thread.

In all honesty, this guy is not invested more like he is using you as a Meal Ticket, and a Cocklodger to boot.

Take your Parents very kind and generous offer and put yourself and your children first.

Take the Offer. 🌸🌷💕

MaryBeardsShoes · 14/06/2021 16:47

Accept your parents' offer and ditch the boyfriend. Spend then energy on yourself and your kids. You'll be way better off on the long run.

bridgetreilly · 14/06/2021 16:50

Of course take your parents very kind offer. Your situation with your DP won't be any worse (unless he really is so childish as to throw a strop over it) but your situation and your children's lives will be very much better.

NeedNewKnees · 14/06/2021 16:51

You are worth so much more than this treatment, OP.