Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unfair - buying a house without DP

358 replies

sunshinesally11 · 14/06/2021 12:37

Currently I live in a tiny house with my 2DC. My DP of 5 years (who has 1 DC) shares a house with his brother (his DC has their own room there).

We can't afford to buy a property together for the size we need as DP says that his DC needs their own bedroom and can't share with my youngest of a similar age. I'm not prepared to go from owning a home to renting.

My parents have offered to purchase me a bigger house than I have now. This would be a 3 bed, so a bedroom each for my DC and one for me. If this bedroom was a 4 bed, my DP would have moved in and contributed towards the household bills. But because this would be a 3 bed, it would mean his DC wouldn't get their own room, and he would refuse to move in on that basis. In fact, he was pretty cross that I'd consider moving to a 3 bed in the first place.

Am I being unreasonable here? I feel in a really awkward position as potentially to live with my DP and his DC have their own room, I would have to turn down the offer of a 3 bed from my parents. But if i do accept the offer then I know my DP would not react well.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
PersistentComplaints · 14/06/2021 14:55

Do you really need this guy in your life?

Let your parents help you get a house and protect it with all you have - keep it in your name, don't marry this rather entitled and broke man who is full of nothing but demands (on your money).
If he is spending 75% of the time with you he should be contributing to food at the very least, if he hasn't even offered then I'm afraid he sees you as a meal ticket and not a partner.

frazzledasarock · 14/06/2021 14:56

OP said her boyfriends DC is a boy same as her youngest there’s a two year age a gap between both boys.

LeafBeetle · 14/06/2021 14:56

OP, do you pay more for food than if you were single?

Do you do more laundry and washing up than if you were single?

Does he pay less and do less of the above than if he was single?

It doesn't matter if you don't live together. If you are subsidising his living expenses (to the detriment of yourself and your DC) then he should be contributing financially. And doing his bit around the house.

CousinKrispy · 14/06/2021 14:56

Do not give up home ownership for renting for the sake of this relationship.

Prioritize your children and yourself.

ItscoldinAlaska · 14/06/2021 14:56

Do not involve considering your DP's needs in your housing situation. You don't need to. he doesn't live with you or contribute to the cost of the housing. He is a separate issue. Relationship v's housing. It is really very simple.

cruisecrazy · 14/06/2021 15:01

Is this for real, selling your house to rent with this waste of space. Your children come first, let him sort out his own accommodation, then dump him. What is he bringing to this relationship, lives with you pays nothing he is just taking you for a mug. Accept your parents generous offer and move on.

accept

IronTeeth · 14/06/2021 15:01

[quote sunshinesally11]@LolaSmiles He spends the evening here and stays over night when he doesn't have his DC. He's at work in the day. Not here the weekends he has his DC.

To answer your questions, no he doesn't contribute towards food, bills or housework. [/quote]
does he eat at your house? and doesnt contribute....

wow - he's a keeper (not!!)

Opentooffers · 14/06/2021 15:01

So, same sex kids, near in age, and would only be sharing for 4 nights a month? Grin He should bite your hand off with that arrangement, he's a freeloader that doesn't seem to get when he's pushed it too far. That's his problem, don't make it yours.

Lorw · 14/06/2021 15:02

Do what’s best for your children OP. Plenty of fishies in the sea (who aren’t cocklodgers) Grin

theemmadilemma · 14/06/2021 15:08

Hes just a massive cocklodger isn't he?

Muchmorethan · 14/06/2021 15:09

I'm not jumping on the band wagon as I'd decided before I'd even read others opinions that he was a cocklodger.

Do not give up your financial security for someone who can't match it. He is bringing nothing financially but is placing demands on what you should provide for him.

You may "love him" but when children are involved your head needs to rule your heart

LivingDeadGirlUK · 14/06/2021 15:11

@R0SEMARY

Yes I agree, do what’s right for you and your kids. Because that’s what he’s doing.
^This
RandomMess · 14/06/2021 15:13

Cocklodger with a golden child that needs to superior treatment to all others at all times. I've seen this syndrome before it does the child no favours tbh.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 14/06/2021 15:16

Accept the offer ditch the bf. He wants everything is way and isn’t prepared to compromise and doesn’t contribute anything.

What does he do?

1WayOrAnother2 · 14/06/2021 15:19

Why is he not offering (at the very least) to contribute and to cover what he costs you (24/28 days a month)?

He should at least be paying for his own food/heating/water/cleaning and wear on the house... even if you don't want to charge him for lodging with you.

sometimescharlottesometimesnot · 14/06/2021 15:19

No. ,You are not being unfair. put you and your children first...trust me no one else will

1WayOrAnother2 · 14/06/2021 15:20

Work out how much he is costing you each month and consider if another similarly priced luxury would be a better deal for you :)

BIWI · 14/06/2021 15:21

And I say again @sunshinesally11, what do you expect from this thread? Are you actually listening to what we're all telling you?

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 14/06/2021 15:22

I wouldn't give up owning to rent

I certainly wouldn't want to put him on a mortgage of a house that my parents were helping me buy. I'd be worried he'd be entitled to some of it if we split or that I'd have to sell at some point in the future to split the equity with him

Don't do either. This is your children's and your security !

DumpyDonkey · 14/06/2021 15:23

OP are you even reading most people's post ?

Or just ignoring ignoring them?

sueelleker · 14/06/2021 15:25

YANBU. Sounds like he's sulking because you'll have a bigger house than him.

ittakes2 · 14/06/2021 15:26

I would be questioning my relationship if he thought you shouldn't do this for you and your kids because of him! But another angle is you could get the three bed and rent it out and then together rent a 4 bed if your parents agree - would that be an option?

ApolloandDaphne · 14/06/2021 15:29

Prioritise your own DC. This guys wants everything but isn't prepared to pay for it. He doesn't sound like a keeper.

viques · 14/06/2021 15:29

@thenewduchessofhastings

If he did move in with you what would he be bringing to the table?

What does he expect to contribute financially if you live together?;is he going to be doing his share of the housework etc

Also if his kid is only staying 4 nights a month why can't they share a room or sleep on a sofa bed somewhere?

You said living with his brother was a temporary solution so he's looking to move in with you out of convenience;I'm getting potential cocklodger vibes here.

“What would he bring to the table”

A knife and fork . If he has progressed beyond eating with his fingers that is. Mind you, don’t expect him to wash up the knife and fork , or even carry them to the sink......

OP if I was an ornithologist I would identify this man as a cuckoo.

If I was an entomologist I would identify him as a parasitic wasp.

If I was an oncologist I would identify him as an invasive cancer.

MrsMiddleMother · 14/06/2021 15:32

So you either stay in a smaller house and don't live together or you and your kids have a bigger house and still don't live together.. I'd definitely take the 3 bed! There's no need for his dc to have their own room since he's only there 4 nights a month