Has anyone never been hugged by their mother?

[cucumberella]

If so, what is your relationship like with her? I've never ever been hugged by my Mom as far as I'm aware, and I get that not everyone is a hugger or affectionate, but just on a whole she really is so cold and unloving and I'm jealous of those amazing mother daughter relationships I at least believe are out there.

I hugged my mum once after her and my dad had an argument but that was it until I started to give her a lil hug when I say good bye to her, we didn't even say I love you at the end of phone calls until I started doing it in my 20s

My parents were loving and supportive but I don't remember all that many hugs once we were past a certain age. Looking back, I don't think I felt that close to them even though they would have done almost anything for me. I knew they were very proud of my siblings and I but we all felt they were too busy to be bothered with kids' issues ( due to stressful jobs, difficulties making ends meet, issues with family, frequent moves) and so kept them to ourselves. I rarely confided my problems and fears in them...I remember lying awake when I was around 4/5 in a strange house when we were visiting some friends, absolutely terrified, but it never crossed my mind to disturb them by calling out. Similarly, when I was bullied for a short time at school, I would never have added to their worries by telling them.

Looking back, I think they were stressed for a large part of our childhood and that made them more emotionally detached from us then they otherwise would have been. They did their best.

A lot of the issues which caused their stress during that time have now disappeared. We have a great relationship now and they are very loving and affectionate grandparents who are always cuddling and spoiling my DC.

Never hugged her or she me. Kissed her once, in her coffin. We had our ups and downs but we had a lot of fun together. In teens and as an adult on home visits, I'd move into her bed once Dad got up, and we'd talk for ages.

Of my children, one liked hugs, the other didn't. Now they;re grown up they've switched around - the non-hugger offers hugs, the hugger will tolerate them, with reluctance.

@Crockof, I think in my case, it’s a result of my father’s contempt for anyone who showed any sort of affection for others. It was always implied that people who hugged each other were rather ridiculous, not very bright, and probably rather common. Growing up, I knew that if I’d attempted a hug, I would have been laughed at. My father and I have no contact now.

I am very affectionate with my children - it seems they are a happy exception to my no hugging rule.

I think in my family it is split between the autistic spectrum people and not autistic. The former hate a hug the latter love one. And we all are happy with following the persons preference.

I can't remember my mum ever hugging me but I'm 100 percent certain she did. Just because you don't remember hugging your mum doesn't mean it never happened.

Same as I hugged all my children, my goodness it's practically impossible not to ever hug your kids. One of mine would definitely say I hugged her because we still do it. She is an adult and she is a very huggy person. It's the first thing we do when we meet. Sometimes we hug for no reason. She left home last year but still cuddles up to me on the sofa when she comes to visit.

However, my other 2 (also adult) kids are not so huggy and like you probably wouldn't recall hugs. Doesn't mean they never happened though - there were hugs a plenty when they were little.

I remember my mum hugging me when I was 7, and again when I was 11, for very specific reasons but that’s it (I’m now 37).

I don’t ever remember her telling me she loves me, not even as a child. It was strange.

My mum has a lot of deep rooted and unresolved issues related to the showing of affection or care, be that with family members, friends or partners, (my parents are divorced) so I don’t hold it against it her.

We’re not a huggy family either. As someone upthread said, it doesn’t equate to not caring.

There does seem to be a lot more hugging around now then when I grew up. I don’t recall greeting friends with hugs like people do nowadays.

I'm autistic and I'm pretty sure my mum is too. She's not a huggy person although she tries occasionally.

Meanwhile I love hugging DH and do several times a day. But I'm very sensitive to smells and usually find other people (including my family) hard to be physically close to.

@SpaceRaiders

We weren’t hugged or given much affection as a children, mum started hugging and saying I love you as adults in our 20’s which was just very weird.

I’m not the most tactile person but I always make a point to show affection to dc, to let them know they’re loved.

I was coming on to say this. We were never hugged really and she never, ever said I love you.

Then in her early 60s she started to and it was just weird and uncomfortable. She was a nightmare mother and I keep my distance but when she says “love you” at the end of a phone call my skin crawls.

I have told my DD that I love her ever day and we hug all the time. I did t want to perpetuate the lack of affection and coldness that I had.

Can never recall any form of physical affection. Cold and emotionally distant for my childhood.

Never told I was loved.

We don’t connect ion any level, she is narcissistic I believe. Like a pp, she taught me how not be a mother.

A strange question maybe OP but are you or your Mom Irish? I am, and was born in the 70s. My mam has never hugged or kissed me, not as a teen or adult, nor did my dad. We are quite close and I get on well with my siblings but we don't hug either.
My little brother hugged me at our dad's funeral and it was lovely and much needed but very out of character for us.
I ask about the Irish thing because I've actually talked about this with friends my age and it seems to be the norm even with friends who are very close to their mams.

@Domoresteps

Is it a generation thing? I’m in my 50s and we never hug in my family (parents/siblings) but we might give a kiss on the cheek on a birthday. I wouldn’t be surprised if none of my friends’ families hug either.

Definitely not a generation thing. I’m in my 60s and hug both my DC. My mum hugged me until she passed, and my granny hugged me all her life.

My DF's DM hated being touched - I remember running to hug her as a young child, and she went all stiff, and got away from me asap. It felt very odd. In that instance, I think it was sensory overload (we are a family of aspies).

I was never hugged by my mum as a child. As an adult I feel very uncomfortable when she occasionally tries. We get on well but wouldn’t say we are hugely close. It still affects me emotionally that she never should be affection as a child so I do have some resentment.

We hug lots. My niece does not enjoy the hugs and at 11 we have to respect her very clear preference not to be touched. It makes me a bit sad though, I love a good hug! Some people are loving and caring but just don’t do hugging.

I remember hugging my mum but I also remember her pushing me away when I did. It's not like hugging was off the table but she found no joy in it at all. I was just annoying her.

In my house hugging and kissing is the norm. All three kids (DD14, DD11 and DS9) get a big 'squdge' at least once everyday and peppered with kisses, especially when they get in from school. It's a very cheerful and love filled home. I do think physical affection makes a huge difference and puts a bit more joy and love in the house/family unit.

Not properly, not that i can remember.

I remember at about 8 she tried to hug me and even then, it had been so long since she had last hugged me that i felt awkward and confused so i wriggled away.

It’s interesting you should raise this. My daughter is suffering from anxiety headaches and just this week her new peds doctor asked me about whether my mum hugged me as a child. I knew my mum loved/loves me and would do anything for me - even if it was a detriment to herself. But she only ever touched me briefly as a child. We would give her a kiss good night - the only hugging came as adults if we were going on a plane overseas and might not see her for a year or two. I do hug and touch my own children - but I can’t do it when I am stressed. My daughter stresses me out a lot meaning there are times she wants a hug when she is stressed and I can’t give her one. It’s not she doesn’t get them and I try to remember to give her more when I am calm - but if she is being awkward and stressful to me I need to calm down before I can hug her. But the tricky bit is she is looking for a hug from me to calm her down so it gets complicated. We came up with our own solution of putting our cheeks or foreheads together when we are both stressed and I have now started holding her hand. But her peds doctor thinks it will help with her anxiety headaches if I can hug her when she is being tricky rather than needing to wait until I am calm. So I had some therapy this week on it. It doesn’t help that I was abused by a stranger as a child and as a protective mechanism don’t like to be touched when I am stressed. But the therapist helped me see as an adult I don’t need this anymore and I am hoping reminding myself of this will help me be able to hug my daughter more even if she is making me feel stressed.
I think the whole hugging thing is a generational thing. I watch my mum cuddle her grand babies but she never cuddles her grandkids as they get older.

I was hugged a lot as a child (tho rarely told 'I love you'). My mum and I still hug now. I'd describe the relationship as good / solid and loving but not particularly close.

As others have said I doubt it is a signal of strength of relationship either way.

My mum was not a hugger and I did used to feel quite unloved by her as a child. My df was very cuddly so the difference almost made it worse. But as I have grown up, I realised that my dm was never hugged or shown any affection at all so I don’t think she really knew how. She was a great mother in other ways, and very thoughtful. She would cook our favourite dinner, used to warm the car every morning before taking us to school and always put us first. She would do anything for us and we always knew that, even if she wasn’t affectionate.

What is funny is that my kids were both very cuddly and loving and have somehow managed to get her to hug, so she always gives me a hug hello or goodbye now. It’s been many years and I’m still not really used to it tbh! I think I almost over compensate with my own kids to the point of annoyance now that they are older!!

No, never. But my DM doesn’t hug anyone, ever. She actually recoils when someone hugs her. My DF is very huggy though so I’ve didn’t miss out on physical affection growing up.

Yes, my family are huggers, we greet with hugs and kisses, see each other often and are close. My mum is very maternal, dad shows his feelings (and opinions!) freely and both are what I'd consider to be really good, involved grandparents (but not interfering).

As an adult none of us hug in our family apart from the children. The children all get lots of hugs from all the adults. Apart from my husband I don’t hug any adults I really dislike it.

I agree with ‘schoolnoshow’. Not hugging as adults is very different to never having been hugged as a child. I can’t imagine what growing up without any physical affection would be like, but I would have thought it has a life long impact on you, particularly when starved of love in general. Some of the stories on here are incredibly sad. To feel unloveable because you were never shown parental love yourself means you have suffered the worst sort of emotional abuse and presumably will need a lot of help in order to be able to develop a sense of self worth.