Just for fun: apply Relationships advice, ruin a song

[BlowDryRat]

I'll start.

Why are you begging Jolene not to steal 'your man'? If he's willing to be 'stolen' then your relationship is over. Get some self respect and LTB.

She said that she needed some time and you interpret that as 'I'll call her at 3am, standing right outside her door. Because YOU dont think YOUR heart can take much more'. Like, sod off you actual stalker.

(BUSTED - 3AM)

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

Oh ffs, are you 12? There is no such thing as love at first sight. You've got the fanny gallops, and it sounds like he's love bombing you. More red flags than a communist party convention. The hills are that way ➡️➡️➡️

Well, you're clearly in denial and a commitment-phobe to boot! While you're at it, it's a very lazy and short sighted approach to put a picture on the wall to 'hide a messy stain that's lying there.' Buy some Dulux and repaint, FGS.

(I'm Not In Love - 10cc)

OK you are starting to freak me out now, I'd like to leave please - I don't care how cold it is out there, I really can't stay. Say what's in this drink? You haven't spiked it have you? And stop trying to kiss me without my consent you creep. You're very pushy you know.

(Baby It's Cold Outside) various artists

Excellent

Here's another one: you clearly aren't over her and should probably not air that particular dirty laundry in public. Also, stop putting videos naked women of the internet, weirdo.

(Cry Me a River - Justin Timberlake)

So as soon as I gained a bit of confidence I wouldn't be attractive any more? All right you bunch of weirdos.

(What Makes You Beautiful - One Direction.)

What on EARTH possessed you to drive all night, creep into my room and attempt to make love to me? I was asleep! That’s rape, didn’t you know, dickhead. You can get right out now. Did I I invite you over? No. And you can stop whining about how far you drove, you’re not staying here. FFS...

(I drove all night - Roy Orbison)

So your relationship is completely dysfunctional but you're so besotted you're prepared to put up with it because you've decided you don't deserve better!

(My life would suck without you - Kelly Clarkson)

You need to come clean and leave your wife with the heart of gold, you cheating bastard, then see if it's still so damn easy makin love to the OW.

Run to you, Bryan Adams

It's a quarter after one, you're alone and a little drunk, you don't need him now talk to us instead. We're listening.

(Lady A - Need you now)

*videos OF naked women ON the internet...

Stupid lack of edit button...

She thinks that she's bagged a hunk, Busted, and you are chuffed that your mates know you are shagging a fit teacher twice your age, but what she has actually done is committed a criminal offence that will end her teaching career and see her on a register.

(Busted- What I Go To School For)

No one has a “right to be hellish”. Your DP sounds like a jealous, controlling, abusive wanker and you need to LTB today.

Nick Jonas - jealous

What a fucking awful song!

Honestly OP, get your hard hat on with this story.

You are absolutely deluding yourself, he has no intention of leaving his wife. Don't throw your life away on this idiot. Block and move on.

Saving All My Love for You, Whitney Houston

Dodgy teacher offering lift to school girl.
Don't stand so close to me -Police

I dug my key into the side
of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive
carved my name into his leather seats

Criminality isn't the career for you. You just admitted to criminal damage. Therapy could help you stop doing things that could lead to negative outcomes for you.

He's a cheating arsehole- block him on everything so he can't hoover you back in.

That was the awesome 'Before he cheats' by Carrie Underwood.

He’s a narcissist. LTB.

OMI - Cheerleader

'You sound lovely, but what you describe are traits of Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a response to trauma. DBT therapy is said to be the best for it, though personally I found EMDR more helpful.'

( most of Taylor Swift )

This sounds unhealthily obsessive on your part. On her part, she is pushing you to do things sexually that you're uncomfortable with. Seek individual counselling and give relationships a break for now.

The 1975 - If You're Too Shy (Let Me Know)

Call the police now and get CCTV installed.

Every Breath You Take, Police (known in our house as the Stalker's Song)

(How this has become a common wedding song is absolutely beyond me)

You can't see it now, but he's doing you a favour. You deserve better. He's a commitment-phobic.

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird

Call the police now and get CCTV installed.

Run for Your Life, The Beatles

[There could be quite a few of these]

LTB 1
LTB 2
LTB 3
LTB 4
LTB 5....

ad nauseam

Paul Simon - 50 ways to leave your lover