I have really messed up

[WeDontLikeCricket]

I have named changed for this as I am on another section of this forum and very identifiable but have been on here for many years.

I have really messed up and dont know what to do.

DH and I have been having marriage issues for years, we get on very well, like spending time together and do lots of great things, we share mutual interests as a family so spend a lot of time together however we haven't had sex for several years since DH struggled with getting an erection (he is a fair bit older than me but not old enough it should be an issue I guess) and we have ended up in a rut of him being worried about it not happening and me not wanting to instigate anything in case it doesn't happen then both him and I feel awful about it. Sounds pathetic but as time has gone on it seems harder to address so we have ignored it. I don't not fancy him but I don't feel like I want to have sex anymore as it's been so long. I generally have a high sex drive though but I have accepted it's my life.

At our mutual interest we are heavily involved in the running of it, the kids are part of it and we are close friends with lots of the people. Its a very family feel generally, we all socialise together, there is lots of banter which can get flirty but generally openly so it's just a laugh between everyone.

Recently one of the people there has started to get a bit flirty towards me, we ended up chatting via message as we genuinely had to arrange some stuff but the conversation took a turn from his end, stupidly I did respond but it was just a joke from my end at first as he is so much younger than me so didn't take it seriously but it ended up more that that. It was pretty intense and I have no idea why I even responded, it is not me at at all, I have really strong feelings about if you have to hide something from your partner you have gone to far. There's no black and white for me until now.

Anyway this went on a while and ridiculously we met up and had sex. I am literally sat here with no idea how it happened, he is 28 and I am 41, I know I got caught up in the fact that someone was actually interested in me, I guess I am fairly up together but not anything special, any interest previously (not loads but the odd time over the years) I have completely ignored. I have no excuse whatsoever for this, it's not like we were drunk on a night out, we did this with very little thought for anyone and after we are both mortified about it. It definitely won't happen again but I can't even look at DH and god knows how I will face the OM next week.

I guess my question is do I tell DH, this will cause an enormous upset not only with my family but with all our friends, it would be a huge blow up that I want to avoid of course but is there any way forward with this without saying anything. It 100% is over, neither of us can deal with feeling this guilty. I know it's not about my feelings of course now.

I do know how awful it is, I don't need to be told this, I appreciate I don't deserve for anyone to be nice about this either, I woke up today actually in shock that I did it, I feel sick and on the verge of tears constantly, it makes me feel even more selfish as it makes it about me when I am feeling like this. I have told DH I am ill which he believes as I do suffer from regular migraines.

Don’t tell him.
Similar position and circumstances here. Happened in 2019. Our life would implode. I’m not prepared to wreck my daughters life for my own stupidity. Dh isn’t a saint but not cheated but there is other vows you can break and he has and our relationship was rock bottom at that point through no fault of my own. I just didn’t deal with it in the right way (understatement)
Other man has never and I believe would never say anything, as in your situation, he wouldn’t gain anything and the fallout would have massive repercussions for him too.

Thanks @Samcartys I guess thats how I feel about it, its easy for others to say that its selfish not to tell but disclosure could cause upset for so many people potentially I am just not sure I want to risk that. Part way through the thread I was leaning towards telling him but strangely the people saying I should tell him have actually convinced me more that I shouldn't as I'm not actually sure I agree with their reasoning.

In this case, I wouldn't confess.

Your DH made the unilateral decision to deny his wife, a young 30 year old women sex til death do him part.

Does he do anything intimate for you?

Your DH doesn't seem to want to solve it. You can give him one more chance to seriously do something about it.

In the mean time I would be making plans to leave.

I would keep my mouth shut and take it to the grave, on the other hand your marriage is probably over not because of this but because of your husband's refusal to really address the issue of sexual dysfunction.
You need to have a very frank discussion and lay it all out in the table,it is very selfish of him to think you should live like this for the rest of your life with him.

I would set a time limit on this ,if only in my mind as to how long I would give with no progress being made .

It would be a deal breaker for me if my man refused to seek help over this, it will destroy self esteem over time and you will feel at rock bottom because if it and you shouldn't have to live without sex at all .

No we do nothing at all. After the first time it happened years ago he basically blamed me in a roundabout way. I assumed it would be a one off but then he could never get an erection. He actually was really hurtful towards me at the time and brought up stuff from a few years before, really ridiculous stuff that I wasn't in the wrong for but very outing if I say too much but basically me not wanting him to leave me alone 2 days after a c-sec with the baby and a toddler. Apparently he didn't like me telling him he shouldn't go.

He went to the doctor but nothing really changed. We got out if the habit and now I am finding it hard to make the effort, its soul destroying though and self preservation makes me pull away. I got caught up with the thrill of someone wanting me and me making them feel a certain way. I know its not real but its just how it is.

After reading the update, I would be making plans to leave ,you deserve so much more than this op .

I think that this happened because you already know your marriage is over. Your subconscious has known it for some time and even if you don’t admit it consciously, it is always in danger of spilling out uncontrollably into real life, making it feel like you are having an out of body experience.

Your job now is to raise your true feelings about your marriage to the surface. That’ll take some courage. Because I think you already know what that means.

Don’t tell him, you have to bear this burden. The best thing you can do now is to force yourself to be honest about your marriage. It’s going to be tremendously hard because you keep repeating you don’t want to break up....but my reading of your subconscious is saying something completely different.

You aren’t happy....that’s not as easy as it sounds to deal with, indeed admitting an ‘affair’ would be easier in this circumstance, it simplifies a very complex and difficult situation, makes it more black and white. The alternative of discussing why and what is making your marriage so unhappy is much harder.

Don’t make this about an affair, that’s not actually fair on your DH. You owe yourself and him the full truth. All the hidden feelings. All the simmering resentments. All the truths about your sex life. What you need from sex.

That’s much harder than revealing a one off shag.

I genuinely can't imagine not being with DH though, our marriage isn't great but I havent ever thought of leaving. Even afrer this I can't imagine leaving him.

You don’t say how much you love him, what a great guy he is, you say “ I can’t imagine leaving him”

They are very different things.

I don’t think you are being truly honest about how you have been feeling for some time. And it’s really really really hard to do that.

He sounds like he has trouble dealing with things honestly, and clearly you do too. This is an opportunity for both of you to grow as people, to face up to the difficult things in life, assume responsibility for things that are your fault, and have the attitude that you can always work to make a problem better you are willing to acknowledge it. No one can address something they are in denial about.That applies to both of you I think. You sound to me like you are not in denial about the affair, but you are about the problems in your marriage.

The other thing is I note your age.
A lot of women your age are pretty insatiable for sex...I know I was between 38-45 ish.
Must be the final flings of fertility.

Just something to bear in mind....you’ve probably got another 5 years of that.
Will you genuinely be able to guarantee you won’t want to fulfill that? Because not sorting things out with him properly might mean that....and so you are back to being in a situation where you might find yourself going awol again. That’ll be a massive head fuck.

You need to be able to have sex with your husband.

I think I have been in denial, I don't think I realised how much I am actually affected by everything until now. We are so busy that it has been easy to ignore it and just think its because we're tired/busy/kids around when in reality we would find time if we wanted to.

One way or another things need to change, it will be so difficult to bring it up but I know we need to.

One suggestion, for if you decide not to tell your husband. I would write him a letter, and put it somewhere it can never be found accidentally (literally buried in the garden or something). I would tell him how you are feeling, tell him why you are not telling him now, consider adding a print out of this thread. Date it, in a way that can't be a lie.

If he ever finds out accidentally, it will make a huge difference to him to hear an honest account from the time, and especially to know how wracked with guilt you are, how tortured, how determined that you want to be married to him and that you feel wholly responsible for the affair.

Reading a message like that from my cheating husband would have made an enormous difference to me.

Just don't leave it anywhere he could find it if you die in a car crash or something.

You have definitely been in denial.

It’s been suppressed and has finally spilled out....and because you’ve been in such denial, it doesn’t even feel like you.

Take some time to be honest with yourself before you speak to him.

Dredge everything up. Everything you can. Truly try to be honest about what you feel.

It comes to haunt you anyway, as you’ve just found out, so you may as well do it properly and honestly.

You might not like what you find about yourself but there we go, no one ever said life was easy

I would say this for a man or a woman. Short EA then one time sex. You feel terrible. Other man won't say anything.

Don't tell your husband

But insist you see a psychosexual counsellor together

My only issue with the above is what if husband refuses and wants things to stay as they are? What do you do then?

What if OM decides to tell or his partner finds out and tells?

You need to think this through beforehand

Thank you, this is all really helpful. I think if pushed to sort things then DH would want to, I would like to think he would.

@WeDontLikeCricket

I don't want the marriage to be over, I guess the main reason most people tell their partners is because they believe its the right thing to do, deep down perhaps it is really to ease the guilt.

I don't want the marriage to be over but I know things need to change. I do think OM will keep quiet, it really isn't in his interest to say anything. He's not a 'lad' who is the sort to be boasting about these things anyway and he does have a lot to lose.

I know I'd always have to keep quiet if i choose not to tell him now, in all honesty, the more I think about it, if I told him now it would be because I want it to be over. I just can't see any coming back from it.

Why don't you want the marriage to be over? What is keeping you there other than habit and fear of change?

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep we do get on well, we have a lovely life, have loads of fun together. It sounds odd given what I have said but its like living with your best friend I guess. I do love him but its difficult to still love someone in the right way when there isn't any intimacy.

We are very close to our families and do lots with them. Our whole life is together, we do have a few separate close friends but our best friends are mutual (his friends).

Its not just a case of us not being together, its huge. I'm just not ready to give up. I dont know what I thought me sleeping with someone else would achieve, I didnt think though, thats the problem.

I cannot believe pp telling you to keep quiet.

Tell your husband.

Do it in a sensitive way. Have it come from you. Let him decide what to do with his life.

I'd wager that he will stay and work with you. Your marriage might even benefit from having the elephant in the room addressed.

Guilt will kill you slowly.

NO DO NOT TELL HIM.

If you do, you will be throwing a huge grenade into your marriage and it will never be the same again.
You made a terrible mistake and the important thing is you know you did. You're paying for it now but it will get better in time.

OP, only you can decide if you can live with the guilt of not telling him.

And also, now that you have had a taste of the 'forbidden fruit' what's to say that you are not going to crave that some more. 1000s of messages with someone means you have formed a bond. How easy will walking away from this be realistically?

Do not tell him.
Secrets are secrets for a very good reason.
Nothing good will be achieved by telling him only bad.
Don't put this on him.
You're a good person and you will be OK, just give yourself a little time.

@Sakurami

I think op, unconsciously you did this because you knew something had to change and maybe you hoped that the answer would appear.

Being in a mostly sexless relationship since your 30s when your DH won't talk about it or address it really isn't on.

Have you considered splitting up or separating?

Oh for goodness sake.

She did it becayse she was flattered, loved the attention, fancied him and enjoyed the excitement of it.

All this angst op. Are you sure you were both equally as mortified. Or becayse he was and didn’t fancy a repeat experience, you mimicked his feelings but are deep down a little hurt?

I think the issues in your marriage are much worse than you think, and are more than ‘just’ sex.

I don’t think that you need to tell him if you think it will affect too many people, and it won’t come out. However I think you need to seriously consider if you want to stay with your husband.

@Bluntness100 I'm not sure where you have got the idea that he was the one who didn't want to continue, we have decided its not worth the risk but I have a feeling he would if I pushed, he is respectful of how I feel about it all though and also feels guilt from his side, he has admitted probably not as much as me but still he has something to lose as well as being part of the fallout at my end.

Of course I was flattered and fancied him, I havent denied that at all, we clearly have chemistry but that's all it is, we don't have love feelings for each other and never will, it was just sex, we stupidly allowed the conversation to take a turn and got caught up, I know my reasons for it now, still unsure why he did it. I really didn't believe I would do something like this but I did.

I dont really understand the point of your post, I have had sex probably less than 10 times in 8 or 9 years, I cant deny having someone sexually attracted to me wasn't nice, I was stupid to act on it but actually today I feel much clearer about it all. I felt really guilty the morning after, now thinking further on it (and after reading the many mixed responses on here) I don't think my only feelings were guilt.