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Original poster

To want more children...

136 replies

MillenialMumma · 10/06/2021 13:43

I'm 31 years old and I have 3 beautiful babies (11 yo daughter and 6 yo twins - boy/girl) and when people randomly ask me if I want anymore I wholeheartedly, without hesitation say YES. To which these people then ask me, "are you crazy?" 😑 I've been pleading and negotiating with my husband to have a 4th, my children are dying for a baby, but my husband says no and gives me the ultimatum of either getting onto contraception or him get a vasectomy. I'm heartbroken. I didn't want him getting a vasectomy because I'm praying he'll come around, so I'm now on contraception. Just wanted to know if I'm asking for something ludicrous or if my husband and others are being bumholes :) I believe having children already doesn't mean I don't have the right to want another. Thanks MumsNet fam xx

OP posts:
Lockheart · 10/06/2021 13:46

Your children are dying for a baby? Really?

Your husband has said no, so I think that's the end of the matter. Children should be wholeheartedly wanted by both parents.

Enjoy the three you have.

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2021 13:48

You feel how you feel. Your husband is absolutely not wrong not to want more children. Your children pleading for a baby is irrelevant to the situation. Adults decide.

Unless you’re prepared to leave your husband and find someone else to have another baby with, you’re best accepting the situation possibly with the help of a counsellor.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/06/2021 13:49

You can want as many as you like but as the other parent says no your husband gets the veto. If he wants a vasectomy that’s entirely his choice, as it would be yours on any medical decisions for your body.

It’s irrelevant what your friends say, they’re not the other parent.

And your children are not “dying for a baby” Hmm

While they might like the hypothetical idea of having a younger sibling we can’t always get what we want. I hope you’re not using them against your husband.

DipSwimSwoosh · 10/06/2021 13:49

You can't help how you feel and big families can be such a support to each other. I admire you though, as after my third I physically couldn't have done it all again. Your husband does need to agree though. If that won't happen, you will have to make the most of the the 3 you have.

QueenAdreena · 10/06/2021 13:51

I believe having children already doesn't mean I don't have the right to want another

You have the right to want another. You don’t have the right to try and persuade your husband to change his mind when he has decided that he doesn’t want anymore.

If you feel that strongly about it, break up your family and find someone new who does want a baby or do it on your own. Or, just enjoy the three you have.

Esmereldapawpatrol · 10/06/2021 13:52

YANBU to want another baby.

Sometimes however your head has to rule your heart. Your DH clearly doesn't want another and for me it means you have to respect that. He may well change his mind but he also may not. I know that can be really hard but bringing a planned baby into the family should be a joint decision. My children want me to have another and they are both amazing with other peoples little ones but the reality is quite different!

ThornAmongstRoses · 10/06/2021 13:54

Your post talks about what you and your current children want....

....They do understand a baby isn’t a toy don’t they? I assume they won’t be the ones caring for and parenting the baby they so desperately want and so really I’m not sure why “what they want” is being included in the decision making process.

Your husband isn’t an outsider to the family and his wants also matter. Making him out to the “bad guy” to your other children really isn’t fair.

A baby shouldn’t be bought into a family unit as a result of pleading and negotiating, it should be a joyous event that is wanted by both parents.

Your post sounds a little bit juvenile to me - but that may just be my interpretation.

But on the other hand - if he’s adamant about no more children then he should go and get a vasectomy. If he’s the one who doesn’t want a baby then he should be the one to make sure it doesn’t happen rather than expect you to use contraception that you don’t want to take.

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2021 13:55

But on the other hand - if he’s adamant about no more children then he should go and get a vasectomy. If he’s the one who doesn’t want a baby then he should be the one to make sure it doesn’t happen rather than expect you to use contraception that you don’t want to take.

He gave the op the choice. She didn’t want him to have a vasectomy. I’m not sure why you’re trying to make him into the bad guy.

JellyTumble · 10/06/2021 13:58

YABVU. The person who doesn’t want the baby trumps the one who does.

It’s not fair to bring a baby into this world when one parent doesn’t want them.

You can’t plead and negotiate your way into having a child. If the answer is no, the answers no, and you need to accept that.

ThornAmongstRoses · 10/06/2021 13:59

He gave the op the choice. She didn’t want him to have a vasectomy. I’m not sure why you’re trying to make him into the bad guy.

He’s not the bad guy, I’m completely on his side. I probably phrased it wrong but I just meant that if he wants no more children then he should get a vasectomy. It’s not the wife’s decision to tell him what he can and can’t do to his body. If he knows he will not have another child then he shouldn’t really put the OP in the position he did as ultimately she’s now on contraception she doesn’t want to take because of the ultimatum he posed.

Really he should have just said that he doesn’t want anymore children and so he’s going to have a vasectomy.

namechange30455 · 10/06/2021 14:02

If I was your husband I would be running far, far away from you. You sound crazy and entitled. Do you not care about your DH's feelings?

FWIW - DP's ex "negotiated" with him to have a baby when he wasn't ready for another. They'd split by the time said baby was 18 months old.

JellyTumble · 10/06/2021 14:04

Really he should have just said that he doesn’t want anymore children and so he’s going to have a vasectomy.

Yes, I agree with this completely. I don’t trust OP not to sabotage contraception and he shouldn’t either.

1AngelicFruitCake · 10/06/2021 14:05

3 is enough and more than most people have! If he doesn’t agree then that’s it. I wonder if you’ve influenced your children without realising it to make them want another sibling?

User52739 · 10/06/2021 14:05

Yanbu to want another but your husband is also not unreasonable to not want another. You ought to stop pleading - it’s not fair to put that emotional pressure on him, and it will take a toll on you and stop you being able to move on.

murbblurb · 10/06/2021 14:06

No. And if you have a tiny fuck for the future of your existing children, help it by not having any more. Planet is full.

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2021 14:06

Really he should have just said that he doesn’t want anymore children and so he’s going to have a vasectomy.

Yes, although reading between the lines a bit, I wonder if part of the pleading and negotiating was the op begging him not to.

I wouldn’t be certain the op would be taking the contraception and would be concerned about a “surprise” baby,

CounsellorTroi · 10/06/2021 14:08

I believe having children already doesn't mean I don't have the right to want another.

You have the right to want another child, but you do not have the right to have one. Not unless you want to leave your husband and find someone else, or go it alone.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 10/06/2021 14:11

Sorry OP but you sound quite immature. Kids ‘dying for a baby’ ‘Mumsnetfam’ ‘millennialmumma’. Really?

ThornAmongstRoses · 10/06/2021 14:12

I wouldn’t be certain the op would be taking the contraception and would be concerned about a “surprise” baby

Same here!

But hopefully she’s wise enough to see that in doing so she would be sabotaging her marriage and realise the damaging and irreversible impact that would have on her current family unit.

If it helps OP - when I was desperate for a third and my husband was adamant it wasn’t going to happen, he did end up booking himself a vasectomy and only telling me when the appointment came through.

I was obviously very upset at the thought of not having another baby but at the same time it really helped me to just move on from the yearning I had. I had no choice but to accept that another baby wasn’t on the cards and once my ‘hope’ was laid to rest life did become easier because my time was no longer being spent agonising over babies.

TulipVictory · 10/06/2021 14:12

Wow some of the replies, everyone is jumping on the op. She can't help how she feels.

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2021 14:13

@TulipVictory

Wow some of the replies, everyone is jumping on the op. She can't help how she feels.
Which pretty much everyone has acknowledged.
CounsellorTroi · 10/06/2021 14:14

You refer to your 11 year old daughter and 6 year old twins as babies. Are you sure it's not just another baby you want, rather than a child? To be pregnant and go through the baby stage again?

IMNOTSHOUTING · 10/06/2021 14:14

YANBU to want another child but if DH doesn't it's not going to happen and it would be very unreasonable to badger him. The children wanting a baby is really irrelevant.

namechange30455 · 10/06/2021 14:16

@TulipVictory

Wow some of the replies, everyone is jumping on the op. She can't help how she feels.
Nor can her husband
Ginger1982 · 10/06/2021 14:17

Be grateful for what you have.