To want more children...

[MillenialMumma]

I'm 31 years old and I have 3 beautiful babies (11 yo daughter and 6 yo twins - boy/girl) and when people randomly ask me if I want anymore I wholeheartedly, without hesitation say YES. To which these people then ask me, "are you crazy?" 😑 I've been pleading and negotiating with my husband to have a 4th, my children are dying for a baby, but my husband says no and gives me the ultimatum of either getting onto contraception or him get a vasectomy. I'm heartbroken. I didn't want him getting a vasectomy because I'm praying he'll come around, so I'm now on contraception. Just wanted to know if I'm asking for something ludicrous or if my husband and others are being bumholes :) I believe having children already doesn't mean I don't have the right to want another. Thanks MumsNet fam xx

@MillenialMumma

I've gone back and forth a lot with my studies until today because of life and other priorities. I don't think it has anything to do with me wanting another baby though :D

What does back and forth mean? That you haven’t done 3 consecutive years?

I think if you know you’ll always want another baby, then you’re going to have to deal with this sadness sooner or later. Your husband doesn’t want anymore, which means that your baby making days are finished. I can see that that will be hard and you’ll need some time to feel sad about it, but it’s not fair to pressure your husband or to use your existing kids to pressure him either.

This man really needs to get a vasectomy if he doesn't want another child.

I think you're being a bit of a bumhole tbh!

Just enjoy what you have, enjoy your new career.

Don't be a glass half empty type of person....

I voted YANBU .I think you are quite within your rights to want another baby .I realise not everyone will agree with me ,however you feel how you feel .Its a difficult one as DH obv doesnt .Maybe you could dpeak with him and see how he feels in a year /6 months or so?Is he worried financially or about how you would cope do you think?

Sorry, literally the first time I've ever gone onto a platform like this and didn't know the ins and outs haha
These are all so logical and reasonable, I wish I could have the same stance as my husband. I wish cuddling and swooning over the babies at the hospitals would be enough. I've told myself I'm selfish, I'm being stupid, why ruin the routine I have? Just doesn't help. In saying that, I don't sit with my hubby daily and have this conversation we've been married 13 years haha He'll always know how I feel. It just sucks is all :(

Sorry! As in put on hold, then gone back.

@murbblurb

Hope you never holiday abroad or buy food produced overseas.
I'm pregnant with baby number 6. :-)

I think working in midwifery is a dangerous route as you will be surrounded by newborns! Maybe look at being a HV instead after training? When I was working as a Nursery Teacher ,it was difficult as many girls who worked in the baby room became "broody" very often!

I empathise completely. I wonder why I want more though.. maybe so I can do better? Try to enjoy it more? I have 4 (including twins) and im still not getting a feeling that I’m done, but my husband doesn’t want more and honestly wouldn’t cope well. Plus it’s more likely to be twins, as in your case too I guess!

You’ve been married since you were 18, and a mother since you were 20.

You’ve never had adult life just for you.

Forgive the armchair psychology, but if you’re year 3 on your course are you about to finish?

Is part of the drive for a baby now (after a 6 year gap) you feeling a bit afraid to launch yourself into a phase of your life that doesn’t revolve around being a mum? Are you trying to delay actually starting your new career?

Don’t be! You’ve worked hard for this, it will be great! There’s more to life than being a parent 😉

What would really suck is spending three years working towards a really worthwhile career, one in which you will make such an impression on a labouring woman’s life that she’ll remember you forever, and then not bloody using it.

You’ve had three children. And not only that, you’ve experienced a singleton birth and a multiple birth. That’s lots of experience that will be really valuable to other women.

You’ll have to accept your husband wants no more at 41 and move on. Don’t ruin your life wishing for something impossible.

Neither or you are being unreasonable - you to want another or him not to. It's just unfortunate that you both want different things at the moment. You're still very young and either opinion might change down the line. As mentioned above, I totally understand the desire to have a big family but my husband and I have always been on the same page. Hope you manage to find peace with whatever the ultimate outcome is.

Gosh. You’ve never had a chance to live. Married at 18? Now’s the time to start.

Aw OP I feel for you, I'm not sure why the comments have been so harsh? You have only expressed your wish, and you've agreed to and are using contraception so not like you're decieving him in any way.

I don't even think your position is rare tbf, I know that my mum wanted another child but my dad said no. It happens to lots of couples. There is no right or wrong of course, but I totally sympathise with your ache for another baby and I can understand why it might feel unfair for your husband to say no if he's not even the one doing the work. At only 31, I think lots of (not all!!) women would be sad to think their pregnancy/baby days are over so I can completely see where you're coming from. But as others have said, you're both entitled to feel the way you do and sadly (for you) no obviously does win because no maintains the status quo.

Hopefully your feelings on this will lessen over time x

I’m quite 😕 at the idea of marrying at 18 to a man 10 years older and then “not minding” that he then never bothered to pitch in with the babies, or helped with chores - even when you had twins. I might even be tempted to call him a “bumhole” myself 😉

This was probably the most sincere response I've received :) I might need to think about this one a bit more, thank you for your insight xx

It's not judgement. No one judges you for feeling what you feel. It's thinking you should trump your DH. And using your kids' feelings as well.

The person who doesn't want another ALWAYS trumps the person who does. You can't have half a baby so there's no compromise and so that's where you are.

FWIW I wanted another and DH didn't. I don't have another.

YABU.

Of course you’re not unreasonable to want more, but you have three healthy children already, and the spouse who doesn’t want more trumps the one who does.

Please don’t browbeat your DH in to this; it really isn’t fair.

[quote canonlydoblue]@murbblurb

Hope you never holiday abroad or buy food produced overseas.
I'm pregnant with baby number 6. :-)[/quote]
Well you certainly don't care about the future of the planet or for your children do you?

The planet is overpopulated and people need to have less children

Are you sure your children wouldn't be equally happy (or happier) with a puppy or kitten rather than a new baby?

I also had my first because he wanted to due to his age :) I adored being a young mum, wouldn't want it any other way. It's funny that now I want another one his main reason to not want is that he feels too old haha Oh well, majority of people here think I'm being selfish and I DID want honest opinions and some clarity of my feelings :)

So there’s 10 years between you and your husband? You were 18 and he was 28 when you married....so how old were you both when you actually first met and started dating?!

Maybe he has seen you spend many of your younger years raising children and thinks enough is enough?

@lynsey91

Same questions to you. Holidays? Food that isn't locally produced? The global birth rate is falling you know.

You are 100% allowed to want another baby, but in a relationship the person who does not want children trumps the person who does. Please take your contraception conscientiously.