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Original poster

To want more children...

136 replies

MillenialMumma · 10/06/2021 13:43

I'm 31 years old and I have 3 beautiful babies (11 yo daughter and 6 yo twins - boy/girl) and when people randomly ask me if I want anymore I wholeheartedly, without hesitation say YES. To which these people then ask me, "are you crazy?" 😑 I've been pleading and negotiating with my husband to have a 4th, my children are dying for a baby, but my husband says no and gives me the ultimatum of either getting onto contraception or him get a vasectomy. I'm heartbroken. I didn't want him getting a vasectomy because I'm praying he'll come around, so I'm now on contraception. Just wanted to know if I'm asking for something ludicrous or if my husband and others are being bumholes :) I believe having children already doesn't mean I don't have the right to want another. Thanks MumsNet fam xx

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Original poster
MillenialMumma · 10/06/2021 22:51

@BrownTableMat

I’d be amazed if your daughter didn’t know about sex. Some high proportion of kids have watched porn by that age, unfortunately, and sex will certainly be a topic of playground conversation. I had a very sheltered upbringing and I k ew the facts of life by the age of 9, even though my parents never bothered to talk to me about it. All you know is that she hasn’t talked to you about it, and you don’t know what horrible misinformation she might already have gleaned.
Maybe you're right. I'm not delaying the talk because I can't be bothered with it, though. Thank you for the insight :) xx
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Jesskir89 · 10/06/2021 22:53

Wow some very negative comments on her not only about the original post but how pp parents her eldest child?! This isn't our place go judge.... op i have 1 ds who's amazing but I'd also love to give him a sibling but dh is saying no but then tells me to save all baby things in the loft so I'm too hoping there's a chance he will say yes when the times right. I don't think were being selfish for wishing this. People wish for things all the time and a bigger family is far from being selfish! If you have another then great, if not at least you have what sounds like 3 great kids Flowers

Jesskir89 · 10/06/2021 22:54

Apologies for the typos

RaginaFalangi · 10/06/2021 22:54

Yanbu to want another.
However you need to respect your husbands wishes of not wanting another, to place emotional pressure on him is not a good thing.
Also as for you kids 'dying for a baby' it is not them who make that decision it is adults and your husband has clearly said no so leave it at that or your other choice would be to leave and have a baby with someone else.

Original poster
MillenialMumma · 10/06/2021 23:02

@StillCoughingandLaughing

OP - as a note of warning, I’ve seen many a thread on here started by women whose husbands have told them time and again they don’t want more children, which they’ve reluctantly accepted. Then one day, they ‘just couldn’t bring themselves’ to take their pill or get a new implant - and lo and behold, they’re pregnant. The reason they end up starting threads on MN is because their husbands do not, as the OPs had convinced themselves they would, decide it’s all okay and that they’ll love the baby after all. They go nuts, feel betrayed and the marriage ends up on the rocks. A lot of devastated women saying ‘I know it was wrong, but it’s done now Sad Why is he making me feel so bad when I just want a baby?’ - somehow shocked that the very thing they were warned about has happened.
Hi @StillCoughingandLaughing :) Yes that sounds horrible and selfish, I chose to use the contraception with the hope that one day I could have another and if that were the case the implant is easily reversible unlike a vasectomy. In 5 years when the time comes to renew the implant I will gladly, as I wouldn't want another after I turn 36 :D I can comfortably say would never deceive my husband and risk lifelong hostility towards the baby or myself, I don't think it's worth it...But he knows I want one so I leave it at that and maybe one day he'll warm up to the idea? Idk just a bit of hope :) Your concerns are so valid and I'm grateful you replied. Xx
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Original poster
MillenialMumma · 10/06/2021 23:07

@Jesskir89

Wow some very negative comments on her not only about the original post but how pp parents her eldest child?! This isn't our place go judge.... op i have 1 ds who's amazing but I'd also love to give him a sibling but dh is saying no but then tells me to save all baby things in the loft so I'm too hoping there's a chance he will say yes when the times right. I don't think were being selfish for wishing this. People wish for things all the time and a bigger family is far from being selfish! If you have another then great, if not at least you have what sounds like 3 great kids Flowers
This comment here! Thank you so much hahah I mean, I appreciate all who've read and had the heart and mind to reply to me for some advice but this is probably what I needed to hear the most. Just some hope for the future :) Thank you so much for your reply, I pray you are blessed with whatever your heart also desires xx
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ineedaholidaynow · 10/06/2021 23:07

Doesn't your 11yo go to school, haven't they done sex education yet?

Jesskir89 · 10/06/2021 23:13

Ffs back off about giving the sex talk! Youre welcome op I couldn't read and run and you sound lovely and witty I've enjoyed reading youre posts. Best of luck for whatever the future brings and thanks for your well wishes x

StillCoughingandLaughing · 10/06/2021 23:23

Ffs back off about giving the sex talk!

It is actually quite important…

Iwantanap · 10/06/2021 23:28

Yanbu and you still have time. Get into your career and settled then revisit this. By then you will be earning more and will get good maternity pay which may put your husband's mind at rest

Grimsknee · 10/06/2021 23:49

OP, something else to think about is that the teenage years are about to hit you, and those are quite complex and demanding times. Your DD(and later twins) will need you in unexpected ways. Parenting teens is a rollercoaster but it's very rewarding and will bring benefits to your future relationship with her if you're able to commit your mental and emotional energy to helping her through them - rather than being preoccupied with another baby (who your husband doesn't seem like he would take much interest in). I understand how much you yearn for a baby but remember a baby is not just a lovely little creature - it's a developing human being who will need you intensely for the next 20 years, in various ways.

Original poster
MillenialMumma · 11/06/2021 00:14

@ivfgottwins

I have an on older child and also twins! - everyone always says how lovely your family is now complete.......and I used to think that too.....except lately I would totally have a 4th! It's made worse because I cant conceive naturally and have 2 embryos frozen from my last IVF cycle that gave me my twins so they are "ready made" so to speak 🤣
@ivfgottwins we're really out here livin' the same life haha Grin You are amazing! Mums of multiples are something else Wink I conceived the twins naturally (biggest shock of our lives) which doesn't help because the chances of having fraternal twins again jumps to 1 in 12 Blush If hubby is down, go for it sis! ❤ xxx
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Original poster
MillenialMumma · 11/06/2021 00:18

@Grimsknee

OP, something else to think about is that the teenage years are about to hit you, and those are quite complex and demanding times. Your DD(and later twins) will need you in unexpected ways. Parenting teens is a rollercoaster but it's very rewarding and will bring benefits to your future relationship with her if you're able to commit your mental and emotional energy to helping her through them - rather than being preoccupied with another baby (who your husband doesn't seem like he would take much interest in). I understand how much you yearn for a baby but remember a baby is not just a lovely little creature - it's a developing human being who will need you intensely for the next 20 years, in various ways.
@Grimsknee very true, coming from a large family I often wanted a big sister around even though my mum and I are very close. I'm grateful my relationship with my eldest is even closer (knock on wood). It is definitely important to be available for all my little humans when they need me, even when they don't. Thank you for your opinion and wording it so nicely xx
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Original poster
MillenialMumma · 11/06/2021 00:23

@ineedaholidaynow

Doesn't your 11yo go to school, haven't they done sex education yet?
Haha yes of course she goes to school Grin Not yet, could be a private school thing. I do think it's earlier in the public school system Smile You guys don't need to worry about my children's knowledge about sexual intercourse, I promise they're happy, healthy and thriving :) Appreciate all your concerns xx
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Original poster
MillenialMumma · 11/06/2021 00:29

@Iwantanap

Yanbu and you still have time. Get into your career and settled then revisit this. By then you will be earning more and will get good maternity pay which may put your husband's mind at rest
@iwantanap Thank you for commenting. This is the road I've chosen to take, which I would have taken either way. I think my problem is I'm too ambitious, I have so much drive and energy. And my husband can't really understand or relate to me because we have a good generation difference haha Love him endlessly, but he just doesn't get me and the time of my life I'm at right now. But all is well, I just wish it could be different you know? Thanks again xx
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Original poster
MillenialMumma · 11/06/2021 00:37

@Jesskir89

Ffs back off about giving the sex talk! Youre welcome op I couldn't read and run and you sound lovely and witty I've enjoyed reading youre posts. Best of luck for whatever the future brings and thanks for your well wishes x
@Jesskir89 You're so kind, thank you again. And about the sex talk - I still say kudos to my fellow mums out here knowing when their children are ready for such conversations. But as mothers we do believe we know our own children above all others. I can promise you I won't pull a Bridgerton and have my daughter shocked to see an erected penis and not know what to do with it haha All love, no judgement xx
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StrangerYears · 11/06/2021 00:45

As the mother of a 13 year old, I am shocked about the lack of sex education you have given your 11 year old
Social media/friends/school (also at private school) all segues in to their knowledge. And I would rather tell her everything over the course of several years, rather than a 1 hr chat about the mechanics.
The biggest consumers of porn are 13 to 19 year old boys. Give her the weapons to be able to deal with the stuff she will hear.

ineedaholidaynow · 11/06/2021 00:57

It’s in the RSE curriculum for Y6, unless you take your child out for that lesson (assuming you are in England)

leeds2glasgow · 11/06/2021 01:11

Did you mean to say "erected penis"?

ZednotZee · 11/06/2021 01:21

Wow. How dare you?

Africa is overpopulated etc

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2021 01:56

Not yet, could be a private school thing. I do think it's earlier in the public school system

I'm assuming from this you're in the States, maybe. They are odd about teaching about sex. An 11 year old should know. It's not about when they're ready as much as it is about protecting them properly.

Original poster
MillenialMumma · 11/06/2021 01:56

@leeds2glasgow

Did you mean to say "erected penis"?
Yes. Yes I did.
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Original poster
MillenialMumma · 11/06/2021 01:59

@StrangerYears

As the mother of a 13 year old, I am shocked about the lack of sex education you have given your 11 year old Social media/friends/school (also at private school) all segues in to their knowledge. And I would rather tell her everything over the course of several years, rather than a 1 hr chat about the mechanics. The biggest consumers of porn are 13 to 19 year old boys. Give her the weapons to be able to deal with the stuff she will hear.
Hello! I don't know how to feel about having shocked you, but I understand you have your views and values which I highly respect. Thank you x
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MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2021 02:01

www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/all-about-sex/201703/teen-pregnancies-fall-school-sex-ed-doesn-t-work-huh

Why parents should talk about sex with their children.

Original poster
MillenialMumma · 11/06/2021 02:05

@MrsTerryPratchett

Not yet, could be a private school thing. I do think it's earlier in the public school system

I'm assuming from this you're in the States, maybe. They are odd about teaching about sex. An 11 year old should know. It's not about when they're ready as much as it is about protecting them properly.

I'm in Australia, we live in a healthy community where these things are openly discussed and children are obviously exposed. In saying that, I'm not naive to think we live in a perfect world where children are forever oblivious and that I can protect my children's innocence for as long as whatever. But I do think the right to decide when I should have this conversation with my children still remains with me. I can see the discussion has taken a nice, educational turn haha Thank you for commenting x
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