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Original poster

To want more children...

136 replies

MillenialMumma · 10/06/2021 13:43

I'm 31 years old and I have 3 beautiful babies (11 yo daughter and 6 yo twins - boy/girl) and when people randomly ask me if I want anymore I wholeheartedly, without hesitation say YES. To which these people then ask me, "are you crazy?" 😑 I've been pleading and negotiating with my husband to have a 4th, my children are dying for a baby, but my husband says no and gives me the ultimatum of either getting onto contraception or him get a vasectomy. I'm heartbroken. I didn't want him getting a vasectomy because I'm praying he'll come around, so I'm now on contraception. Just wanted to know if I'm asking for something ludicrous or if my husband and others are being bumholes :) I believe having children already doesn't mean I don't have the right to want another. Thanks MumsNet fam xx

OP posts:
89redballoons · 10/06/2021 15:27

YANBU to want another baby and your husband is not being unreasonable to not want one. We want what we want, and the urge to have babies is biologically driven and can be very strong. So it's up to you and your husband to negotiate that.

I would advise you to not try to get your existing children involved in the debate. My mum had two and was desperate for a third, but my dad didn't want one. Both had legitimate reasons for wanting what they wanted, and ultimately dad had a vasectomy as was completely his right. It remained a bone of contention between them throughout their marriage.

My mum often used to ask me and my brother if we wouldn't like another little brother or sister, ask me if I felt sad only having a brother and knowing I'd never have a sister, point out to my dad how much I loved playing with younger children etc. It made me uncomfortable at the time and looking back it was really inappropriate to try to involve us in what should have been an argument or discussion between them and no-one else.

Original poster
MillenialMumma · 10/06/2021 15:27

Thank you for your response. I could have worded it a bit better, but it is what it is I guess. I have people saying I'm using my children as coercion hahah I really appreciate your kind words x

OP posts:
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/06/2021 15:28

we have 7 kids so that says it all

Original poster
MillenialMumma · 10/06/2021 15:34

I feel like I need to have elaborated on the part about my children also wanting another sibling. These conversations happen spontaneously, when babies pop up on the telly or when we talk about a family member who's just had a new addition to their family :) My eldest doesn't know about the birds and the bees, so I myself have told her babies are a result of mummy and daddy both wanting to have one. I was trying to say they're not against it and will most likely be very happy if I were to tell them we are having one haha they're very sweet. But yeah, I don't emotionally drain them about the topic I'm actually never the one to bring it up with them, and I'm so sorry you went through that it most have been very tiring for you

OP posts:
Original poster
MillenialMumma · 10/06/2021 15:35

In awe of you, love to see it

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 10/06/2021 15:40

That’s a bit of a back track from “dying” to have a baby though, isn’t it?

And PLEASE. You oldest is 11. There is no more place for “birds and the bees” than there is for twee language like “bumhole”.

By 11 years old, a child should know how about sex and its role in conception. Our national curriculum agrees. So as well as wondering why you have spoken to her, I’m wondering how she’s missed it in school too. What on earth does she think menstruation is about, if you’ve never talked about sex? Come on, you’re going to be a midwife!! Talk to your daughter about my sex.

Cocomarine · 10/06/2021 15:41

*haven’t spoken to her

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 10/06/2021 15:43

Awaits deletion message...

Original poster
MillenialMumma · 10/06/2021 15:48

He just wants to sit and grow old with me haha Love him to bits and pieces, poor guy married a psycho by the looks of most of these replies Grin To be fair, he did know I wanted 4 children. Idk I guess it's just something I'll have to live with. I'd never have another without mutual agreement, so grow old with our 3 little ones it is! Halo

OP posts:
Starlight86 · 10/06/2021 15:49

I get it and no your not being unreasonable.

Both sides are no more wrong or right than the other and unfortunately 1 person is going to be unhappy/sad about the outcome.

I have 3, i want one more, but will it be one more....i doubt it. For me i wonder is it the fact it would be the end of a chapter in my life and i dont want it to end.

But i know it will end and it has to end i just dont want it to lol.

My husnad is kind of on the fence and more practical than me so i dont know if i will have a forth but i know i will always long for 1 more whilst still endlessly still loving the 3 children i actually have.

Some people are mean on this chat Smile

Starlight86 · 10/06/2021 15:49

*husband

Csx99 · 10/06/2021 15:51

You're not in the wrong for wanting another baby, but similarly he's not in the wrong for not wanting one. Get a puppy Grin

Original poster
MillenialMumma · 10/06/2021 15:56

Hello! This took a turn haha
Yes, she knows about the physiology of menstruation as all tweens should. I don't agree with her having to know about sex to know about menstruation though. My children know about the basic social conventions of privacy, nudity and respect for others in relationships. Each to their own :) Much love xx

OP posts:
Caiti19 · 10/06/2021 15:57

@Cocomarine

You’ve been married since you were 18, and a mother since you were 20.

You’ve never had adult life just for you.

Forgive the armchair psychology, but if you’re year 3 on your course are you about to finish?

Is part of the drive for a baby now (after a 6 year gap) you feeling a bit afraid to launch yourself into a phase of your life that doesn’t revolve around being a mum? Are you trying to delay actually starting your new career?

Don’t be! You’ve worked hard for this, it will be great! There’s more to life than being a parent 😉

Exactly this!

You are 31 and have 3 children well past the demanding early years - the world is your oyster! Seize it with both hands and don't look back!

Original poster
MillenialMumma · 10/06/2021 15:58

I'm not petty dear, I won't delete messages haha I love that you cared to reply thank you xx

OP posts:
Original poster
MillenialMumma · 10/06/2021 16:00

Aww feeling very empowered Smile
I actually had a bit of a cry reading some of the replies (ouch), you show me the silver lining. Thank you so much. Xx

OP posts:
bargelights · 10/06/2021 16:01

Your 11-year-old doesn't know anything about sex and reproduction? It is well past time to have that conversation.

Original poster
MillenialMumma · 10/06/2021 16:01

I feel you, love.
Maybe I feel the same and I just need to address it like you have.
Thank you xx

OP posts:
HereIfYouNeedMe · 10/06/2021 16:17

@MillenialMumma I hope you and your family are content whatever that looks like 😊 you seem lovely, I've not enjoyed reading some replies on here which is always a shame but good luck you!! ❤️

Cocomarine · 10/06/2021 16:26

@MillenialMumma

Hello! This took a turn haha Yes, she knows about the physiology of menstruation as all tweens should. I don't agree with her having to know about sex to know about menstruation though. My children know about the basic social conventions of privacy, nudity and respect for others in relationships. Each to their own :) Much love xx
Bloody hell. She’s 11. Tell your child about sex. Or rather, make sure she hasn’t got a load of incorrect information about it. It’s a matter of education and safety. No 11yo should be that ignorant.
Original poster
MillenialMumma · 10/06/2021 16:27

[quote HereIfYouNeedMe]@MillenialMumma I hope you and your family are content whatever that looks like 😊 you seem lovely, I've not enjoyed reading some replies on here which is always a shame but good luck you!! ❤️[/quote]
@HereIfYouNeedMe
Thank you so much. I didn't realise it would be this confronting, but I did want an open conversation and that's what I got.
We're happy, it just hurts me and I get emotional about the whole topic Blush
Thank you for taking time to read through, lots of love xx

OP posts:
BrownTableMat · 10/06/2021 17:16

I’d be amazed if your daughter didn’t know about sex. Some high proportion of kids have watched porn by that age, unfortunately, and sex will certainly be a topic of playground conversation. I had a very sheltered upbringing and I k ew the facts of life by the age of 9, even though my parents never bothered to talk to me about it. All you know is that she hasn’t talked to you about it, and you don’t know what horrible misinformation she might already have gleaned.

ivfgottwins · 10/06/2021 17:25

I have an on older child and also twins! - everyone always says how lovely your family is now complete.......and I used to think that too.....except lately I would totally have a 4th! It's made worse because I cant conceive naturally and have 2 embryos frozen from my last IVF cycle that gave me my twins so they are "ready made" so to speak 🤣

WettyHainthrop · 10/06/2021 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 10/06/2021 22:29

OP - as a note of warning, I’ve seen many a thread on here started by women whose husbands have told them time and again they don’t want more children, which they’ve reluctantly accepted. Then one day, they ‘just couldn’t bring themselves’ to take their pill or get a new implant - and lo and behold, they’re pregnant. The reason they end up starting threads on MN is because their husbands do not, as the OPs had convinced themselves they would, decide it’s all okay and that they’ll love the baby after all. They go nuts, feel betrayed and the marriage ends up on the rocks. A lot of devastated women saying ‘I know it was wrong, but it’s done now Sad Why is he making me feel so bad when I just want a baby?’ - somehow shocked that the very thing they were warned about has happened.