Strange unannounced visit

[santamarga]

Can I ask what you would have done or would do in this situation?

I dropped in unannounced into my husband's place of work (he owns it) with our children as we were in the area and thought it might be nice to pop in. Everything was nice, children having a chat with their dad, and a couple of male colleagues.

Suddenly this woman comes in, strides basically between where we were all standing chatting, and plonks her bag and some papers on DH's desk. The conversation between us all stopped, as I was looking at the woman, waiting for someone to speak.

It suddenly felt really awkward, DH said nothing, just stood there, and the woman was kind of waiting at the desk, as if she had an appointment and just assumed me and the children were customers so was waiting for us to finish.

One of the colleagues said to her something like 'it's a family conference here' in a jokey kind of way.

She then looks up, never once looked at me, looked the children up and down, and asked DS how old he was! When he replied she said 'oh, that's interesting'.

Then she picks up her bag and said something, I don't know what, and proceeds to walk out. It just felt so awkward, and DH said nothing during this.

Apparently she was a rep who had called in unannounced.

Would you have concerns about this?

Dh should have said

Let me introduce my wife xxx and my dc

OP was he funny when you first arrived? Because if she is always popping in whenever she feels like it, and they are having an affair, he'd have wanted to get rid of you asap?

I'd be seeing massive red flags

If you're involved enough in the business to be paying bills it is not unusual to have turned up there to say hi.

In small businesses there can be much more informality and her behaviour might not be thst weird. OP it doesn't sound like it is normal for YOUR business, is that the point?

Do others supply the product or service she does? How long have you sedn bills for her?

@poppycat10 that’s a good point

If this were me, I’d ask DH straight out why it was all so strange and awkward. Given his other lunches with reps and him having form, I’d ask there & then to look at his phone. If it’s innocent he’ll let you look, it’s as simple as that.

I think there's a lot of jumping to conclusions on this thread.

Rather the woman being some kind of quick witted maths genius working backwards to conception dates in a few seconds of realising that she was with her affair partner's wife(really?) isn't it more likely that she simply doesn't have any people skills or ability to read a room?

And the DH was also a little wrong footed in an unusual situation

Rather the woman being some kind of quick witted maths genius working backwards to conception dates in a few seconds of

How old is your child?

Oh he told me they hadn't been sleeping together and have been in separate rooms for over 5 years.

Not sure how someone needs to be a maths genius there.

She was far from ‘awkward’! She was bolshy and confident

isn't it more likely that she simply doesn't have any people skills or ability to read a room?

She can't be a very good sales rep then

@MadeForThis

I would suspect that it's a current affair. The work colleagues warned her that you were his family. She looked only at your kids. Strange. A normal person would look/ address the wife too.

I suspect she has been told that he is staying for the kids. You say they look older than they are. That's why she asked your Ds's age. She has been told he's staying until he is finished primary school etc.

Act normal to your DH but keep digging. The office are all obviously aware of the affair.

Yes I agree that it was strange she never looked at me. Not even a glance, like I was not even there.

We had been laughing and were relaxed talking as she came in so I would imagine that that would have seemed odd to her if he has fed her a story about his marriage.

@TatianaBis

He has form for taking out a different female sales rep to lunch without telling me but no form (that I know of) for anything more than that.

He does does he.

My DH in his last job dealt with a lot of reps who would occasionally take him out for lunch. Some would be women and he told me about them all the time. One actually came over to our part of the country with her ds for a break and all 4 of us went out for a meal. I met another one at her house as dh was doing some other business with her the connection being a hobby he has.

Ask your DH why it got so weird and awkward when she turned up.

she simply doesn't have any people skills or ability to read a room?

That would not explain ops frozen, uncharacteristically silent husband.

Nor the tension with his employees/colleagues.

If her h is a normally confident, chatty person Inna neutral situation, he would have acted/spoken to smooth over etc the situation created by her lack of people skills and shitty room reading.

Her bag tossed on his desk ... Says it all.

I thing the biggest alarm bell for me is the "this is a family conference" comment from the worker....like he knew who this woman was and wanted to warn her who you were. If your dh has been doing the dirty with this woman I can assure you all the workers will know.

Actually, if the key to this involves some sort of lie about the children's ages, I would unleash hell on him. Know it might sound crazy but any lie surrounding them would make me far, far angrier than any infidelity to me. Hope that doesn't make me crazy. Thanks to all for your takes on this.

Can you watch his work place from outside without being seen? Maybe do a bit on your own detective work.
Do not ask him Do not give him any reason to suspect that you were suspicious of the other woman as he will just cover any clues and be on his guard to be more careful, and then you may never know.

In a neutral.situation, it's extremely weird for a rep not to acknowledge a business owner/client's significant other .... Very rude/dismissive/off actually.

It would be conceivable you'd offend the SO and the business owner; hardly conducive to getting more business from them. Counter productive in fact.

It sounds like she was totally thrown/shocked and so couldn't even look at you or acknowledge you. Its extremely suspicious. Anyone in a normal situation would say "oh, you're so and so's wife, nice to meet you" or something remotely polite .... She couldn't. Reps aren't usually chosen for having appalling social/language skills.

I’d watch and dig and try not to alert him to your suspicions. If he knows you think something is up he’ll be a lot more careful
I’d suggest sitting in the car park same time next week in case she arrives and he goes out with her, but if he had been expecting her he wouldn’t have been as relaxed when you arrived

@santamarga

Replies on here show me I'm not overthinking

The secret lunches was with a different female rep which happened around the time I was pregnant with DD.

If some pp are right and the different female rep I saw was having an affair with DH, it would have happened at the time I was pregnant with DS then?

But it wasn't like we stopped having sex when I was pregnant. Nor do I think he found me unattractive whilst pregnant. The frequency of sex reduced and also stopped entirely for about the last month of pregnancies as I was so huge with both babies and it was uncomfortable. Is there something about pregnancy that makes him stray, I am wondering now?

The reason I thought that it couldnt be the case that he might have been shagging this woman was because I didn't think an affair could go on for a decade.

Pregnancy doesn’t make him stray. It’s his decision to put his penis in some one else and it’s not caused by anything you’ve done or not done.

I was a sales rep in the bar/restaurant industry which is male dominated....used to have meals with a lot of the male owners/managers at their restaurant for lunch and develop a more casual relationship with them. I wouldn't be happy with my partner doing that with other women...maybe that's because of my experience tho.

I think he was uncomfortable that his two separate worlds have collided. It does sound fishy - not necessarily that he's cheating but maybe they have a flirtatious business relationship and he played down his family.....

I think you should check his personal phone, work phone records, messages, emails, social media and see if you see anything.

Then speak to him!

Hmm I'd investigate but wouldn't read too much into it at this point.

It does feel a little bit that that guy was trying to give a warning with his 'family conference' comment, but if your DH was actually seeing this woman and it was well known enough in the office that a colleague would feel the need to step in for this reason, then surely your DH himself would have jumped in to introduce you quickly before anything incriminating occurred??

Perhaps she's someone who hangs around the office a lot and has taken a bit of a shine to your DH, which he knows you wouldn't like so hasn't mentioned her.

I do think it's odd for him not to introduce you though, knowing you hadn't met before.

I think he was uncomfortable that his two separate worlds have collided. It does sound fishy - not necessarily that he's cheating but maybe they have a flirtatious business relationship and he played down his family.....

Yes this was my impression too. I'd say his relationship with her is something he knows you wouldn't be comfortable with but may not necessarily be more than that since you've had no other suspicions until now.

OP, when did this happen? Have you spoken with your DH since the incident? This would obviously reveal useful info to the posters trying to help you.

How have things seemed since this happened? Is he usually good at introductions etc?

OP I'm sorry it doesn't look good.

Long term affair- I had a friend who aged 16 found out her dad had been having an affair with a woman he works with virtually since she was born.

Horrendous. It does happen. Hope you find out the truth. Easy to say go digging but I wouldn't know where to start. CCTV in the office? It gets a bit police drama!