Strange unannounced visit

[santamarga]

Can I ask what you would have done or would do in this situation?

I dropped in unannounced into my husband's place of work (he owns it) with our children as we were in the area and thought it might be nice to pop in. Everything was nice, children having a chat with their dad, and a couple of male colleagues.

Suddenly this woman comes in, strides basically between where we were all standing chatting, and plonks her bag and some papers on DH's desk. The conversation between us all stopped, as I was looking at the woman, waiting for someone to speak.

It suddenly felt really awkward, DH said nothing, just stood there, and the woman was kind of waiting at the desk, as if she had an appointment and just assumed me and the children were customers so was waiting for us to finish.

One of the colleagues said to her something like 'it's a family conference here' in a jokey kind of way.

She then looks up, never once looked at me, looked the children up and down, and asked DS how old he was! When he replied she said 'oh, that's interesting'.

Then she picks up her bag and said something, I don't know what, and proceeds to walk out. It just felt so awkward, and DH said nothing during this.

Apparently she was a rep who had called in unannounced.

Would you have concerns about this?

Someone raised a good point about Covid... you and kids are obviously in a family bubble and DH is obviously in a work bubble with employees but is there still not rules on gatherings in an office?

Why would an uninvited person walk into an office during covid while other people they dont know are there and plonk themselves down?

How big is this office, is it like a big open plan call center type or is is a closed room office with a door? (like a boss would usually have)
Even if I had an appointment I have never walked into a closed office, you wait to be called, in fact I wait to be called at open plan offices too.

And even if you where customers a customer takes presidence over a rep, a customer is someone your DH makes money from, a rep is someone trying to convince your partner to give them money or allow them to do something - reps dont outrank customers and just barge in on something that could be private and confidential.

Also why would kids there make anyone awkward?
If your so anti children you cant socially function around them then you need actual help, when customer interfacing kids are part of life, unless your DH is running a sex shop seeing customers kids etc... shouldnt be wierd in a business, many people need to take kids places with them.

Sounds to me, as though he has lied to her about the age of your youngest. Reason could be that they are having an affair and he has told her :

1. That you've been in separate rooms for 15 years (even though the affair might only be a few months in).

1. That he will be free in 1 year, when youngest goes to Uni/turns 18.

She was making a point to him, with the "interesting" comment. Like he had been caught out in a lie. Which explains his embarrassed behaviour.

Do you have access to his phone? You need to have a good look at everything.

Some men want both, wife and mistress.

Also, I am incensed by people on this thread who think they know what has being going on when there could be a dozen explanations. Just ask your husband and go from there.

You'd be surprised how long people can lie for, when it suits them. Maybe he hasn't been seeing her for a decade and the age thing was just awkward 'didn't know what to say' conversation. But their whole demeanor was definitely 'off'.
I'd approach my husband by saying that I know something has gone on, that someone has said something to you and you are giving him an opportunity to level with you. But I'm not very good at sitting on things for very long. If you can, have a dig around the paperwork first. Your h can't say that his behaviour wasn't dodgy, if he deflects it back at you and goes down the 'you're crazy route' which is also common. People who aren't cheating are more concerned as to why their partner has worries, cheaters imo are more about deflection and getting angry at the implication.

OP, when did this happen? Have you actually spoken with your husband about this?

I've got good social skills, I present as professional, confident and friendly. I'm just imagining myself here...walking into the office of someone I have a friendly business relationship with, dumping my bag on the desk, ready to start a conference, then suddenly being aware of other people, then being told that it's the colleague's family.

It might change my demeanour, I might feel a bit wrong-footed (did I get the time wrong, have I just walked in at a weird moment etc?) If she felt a bit like this, the question about the child might have sounded odd and a bit stilted. Again, I'm imagining myself, pre-kids, work-mode, utterly clueless what to say to one. I could have sounded like that.

I'm saying this to try to offset the barrage of 'of course she's shagging your husband, and has been for over a decade.' There could easily be an alternative.

Good luck, OP. Hope your husband can clear this up for you.

I have to say the behaviour does sound really really odd and especially the entitlement to swan into the office (during covid as well) and dump your stuff in a desk.

It's interesting that she would instantly assume that you were his wife. You could have been his sister or cousin! Saying it was a family conference seems like a weird way to warn her you were your DH's wife. Clearly none of your DH's colleagues/employees are any good at brazening things out - they could have just said something like "hi Sally, you've not met Tom's wife and kids yet have you".

She behaved very oddly too - even before she knew who you were with the hanging around thing. You could have been anyone from a customer to a friend to the wife she'd not been told about.

If they really have successfully hidden an affair for ten years I really don't know how because from what you've said here, they seem singularly useless at it!

I'm with the duck though - if it quacks like a duck and all that. Sorry OP.

@GuildfordGal if you would walk into an office of someone you know through work and dump your handbag on their desk, then you do not have good social skills.

I can honestly say in the period after my DD was born right up to this incident (so, just over a decade) I never had any concern about his faithfulness at all.

It's not just her behaviour that was 'off' though. That could be easily explained. It was his too and the colleague giving her the heads up.
I can't imagine just walking into an office and dumping my stuff on the desk and acting like I had more right to be there than the people already in the room.

Instead of trying to guess why he may have had an affair 10 years ago, I think your efforts and focus should be on finding out whether or not he has indeed had an affair. The details can come later, if its true.

if you would walk into an office of someone you know through work and dump your handbag on their desk, then you do not have good social skills

I laughed out loud at that one

I think she said ‘how interesting‘ in relation to your child’s age because he has said he can’t do something with her because of the age of his children and the ‘how interesting’ was directed entirely at him.
Also this is not a new tentative thing, her level of presumption shows a relationship with him where she feels fairly entitled to make demands and very nearly give him away right in front of your face.

Affairs can and do last for many, many years -- a female colleague of mine had an affair with another married colleague until he died, in his early sixties.
It had been going on for longer than 10 years.
She was, or seemed to be, happily married too.

There’s definitely something dodgy going on (that it sounds like your husband’s colleagues know about!) or why wouldn’t your husband say something to her? Even just “sorry, just give me a minute” or “can you come back another day?”. Alarm bells are definitely ringing through the silence, sorry.

@SiobhanSharpe

Affairs can and do last for many, many years -- a female colleague of mine had an affair with another married colleague until he died, in his early sixties. It had been going on for longer than 10 years. She was, or seemed to be, happily married too.

yes i have seen this too....one of the children was actually named after her lover.

It's a bit odd of your DH because the natural thing to do if a work colleague comes in when you're with your family is to introduce them if they haven't met before.

I really hope there is an innocent explanation to this OP, but from what I am reading, I would be quite concerned.

Has he ever mentioned her before?

I don't think I would be able to keep quiet about it, I would be asking a whole lot of questions.

Does your DH usually have good, confident social skills, OP? Does he usually swing in with introductions?

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast

It's a bit odd of your DH because the natural thing to do if a work colleague comes in when you're with your family is to introduce them if they haven't met before.

Absolutely agree.

@santamarga

Is there something about pregnancy that makes him stray, I am wondering now?

No.

If he strays - at any time - that's nothing to do with pregnancy or anything you might or might not be doing. That'd be all on him.

I'd also like to predict that this thread could run and run. Maybe it'll become one of those 'support' threads, where batshit posters congregate and share fantastical theories

You only dump your bag on your desk if it’s either YOUR or the desk of someone you know extremely well. Not a colleague, I mean a partner.

I was the boss in my last job and I’d never put my bag on any of my staff’s desk. If I had to put down something like papers or a coffee mug Id ask first.

This is normal office etiquette and I’m not surprised that this action made the OP suspicious. Also the fact that no one else greeted this woman - either she works there or she’s a visitor they know whose presence was unwelcome at that time.

I wonder if the question to the child was just her looking for something neural to say to break the awkward silence and distract from what was going on.

It might not have a deeper meaning than that. After all, most adults can roughly estimate the age of a child. If you’ve been told eg that they are 17, you don’t need to ask if they are evidently 6 and 8.

I'd also like to predict that this thread could run and run. Maybe it'll become one of those 'support' threads, where batshit posters congregate and share fantastical theories

'Become,' you say?

Well the fact she felt able to stroll in without a thought to who you and your DC were says a lot. Far too comfortable. Your DH saying nothing is also worrying. As most folks would say could you wait outside or at least introduce her to you all. It is odd your DH said nothing and a colleague had to step in. Is your DH usually so passive