Strange unannounced visit

[santamarga]

Can I ask what you would have done or would do in this situation?

I dropped in unannounced into my husband's place of work (he owns it) with our children as we were in the area and thought it might be nice to pop in. Everything was nice, children having a chat with their dad, and a couple of male colleagues.

Suddenly this woman comes in, strides basically between where we were all standing chatting, and plonks her bag and some papers on DH's desk. The conversation between us all stopped, as I was looking at the woman, waiting for someone to speak.

It suddenly felt really awkward, DH said nothing, just stood there, and the woman was kind of waiting at the desk, as if she had an appointment and just assumed me and the children were customers so was waiting for us to finish.

One of the colleagues said to her something like 'it's a family conference here' in a jokey kind of way.

She then looks up, never once looked at me, looked the children up and down, and asked DS how old he was! When he replied she said 'oh, that's interesting'.

Then she picks up her bag and said something, I don't know what, and proceeds to walk out. It just felt so awkward, and DH said nothing during this.

Apparently she was a rep who had called in unannounced.

Would you have concerns about this?

@LoudestCat14

The "it's a family conference" comment would ring alarm bells for me, especially when you factor in all the awkwardness. What, like the woman was part of your DH's family? I wonder why a colleague would make a remark like that, unless they know something you don't.

More like he was announcing she walked in on a family moment rather than she is part of the family.

Although it is odd he mentioned family as that almost seems like a warning signal, 'its a private confrence' would work just aswell.

Can you find out her name and have a look at her social media? Not sure what this would achieve but at least you'd have more of an idea who she is, what she does etc.

Your DH work colleague was definitely trying let the woman know to keep her mouth shut

His comment was enough for her to know she wasn't welcome at that moment

I hope I'm wrong. Good luck op

OP - to take this at face value, this was a rep who came into the office to expect to do business and instead was confronted with kids and a wife so she left again

Only you know your husband. We don't. The sensible thing to do if you're feeling wrong footed and like something is wrong, is to keep your eyes and ears open for now

This. OP, there is a fair amount of projection on this thread, along with well-meant advice and some completely made-up batshittery. So, standard

Instincts are GREAT, we need them and should take note of them, but they are NOT always 100% bulletproof.

Talk to your husband, keep talking until it's all seen the light of day and assess his responses and replies, then take stock.

What @fantastaballs said.
This is really not normal businesslike behaviour. No sales rep I ever dealt with would turn up unannounced, walk in without saying anything and plonk their bag on a senior person’s desk. If they did, the response would not be awkward silence but “Jane, what on earth are you doing?” and they would be told in no uncertain terms not to do it again.

I’m astonished at PPs saying this seems normal. A rep is not a partner or co-worker.

Ah yes, perhaps he's told her they're babies and he can't leave babies

To be fair, I was a sales rep in the building trade, and met with other sales reps in and out of the office regularly. Generally we did all just walk in, make yourself at home etc. It wouldn’t be normal in some industries but certainly was in that particular one. There’s a lot of variation.

For me the proprietary way she walked in and plonked her bag down would be a massive red flag, from what you said it sounds territorial and as a minimum over familiar.

Second red flag would be the colleague jumping in to introduce you, why wouldn’t DH do that unless he was wrong footed somehow?

Third red flag would be her leaving again without introducing herself properly. A rep would never do that, if anything she’d be showing an interest as a way of developing the relationship.

Whoever she was, and I don’t immediately think shagging, you need to find out about her. Is there any chance she’s a lawyer or partner that he’s keeping quiet about?

Hi op she’s very confident in her position in that team. Popping in whenever. I’d check his social media and mobile actually or maybe work emails. Keep your powder dry and search around.

I normally tend to side in the camp of 'you're over-reacting' but on this one, I am sadly fully with you with your bad vibes.

The way she came about very at ease.
The awkwardness
The comment from the colleague which definitely sounded like a warning to her about who you are (even if obvious)
Her asking that totally unplaced question about your DS's age
Her totally odd response
Your OH being uncomfortable and quiet

Sadly I would conclude that something happened between them at least in the past. I wouldn't confront your OH, he will of course deny, but would certainly start digging.

@GuildfordGal

OP - to take this at face value, this was a rep who came into the office to expect to do business and instead was confronted with kids and a wife so she left again

Only you know your husband. We don't. The sensible thing to do if you're feeling wrong footed and like something is wrong, is to keep your eyes and ears open for now

This. OP, there is a fair amount of projection on this thread, along with well-meant advice and some completely made-up batshittery. So, standard

Instincts are GREAT, we need them and should take note of them, but they are NOT always 100% bulletproof.

Talk to your husband, keep talking until it's all seen the light of day and assess his responses and replies, then take stock.

I think it's more wise to think about her husbands reactions too rather than this woman's considering she had never met her before so really has no idea what she's like normally, maybe she always acts a bit awkward around children etc but she will know if her husbands behaviour is out of the ordinary

Sorry if someone has already asked this but why did the other man make reference to ‘family conference?’ That’s the bit that would really set alarm bells off for me.

The thing about was he shagging her when DS was born - it doesn't make sense because that would have been at least a decade ago if that was the case?

And....Why is that so implausible?

This is so strange @santamarga .

I would definitely feel weirded out, could it be he's made excuses to see her professionally because of "young" children and then she's found out they are actually older then he's made? she could be just a rude person?

Could he be having an affair OP?

@santamarga I sincerely hope that it’s not an affair. Another explanation is that no one there likes her very much, and when she turned up unexpectedly it changed the atmosphere. She was very rude. What sort of person talks to a child like that? Sorry for the language I’m about to use but maybe your husband and the rest of his employees thinks she’s a bit of a bitch and went awkward because she’s unwelcome. Her plonking her bag on your husband’s desk could be her on a power trip.

Another slant on her asking the youngest child’s age - could be he’s told her his marriage is over and he’s only staying for the kids but they’ll be flying the nest soon and then he will leave. Makes “Oh that’s interesting “ comment when she finds out one of them is only around 11.

Your husband could have told her the children were sitting O levels or A levels or whatever it's called in the UK. He could have said that he didn't want to devastate them by leaving their mother etc. He could play that out for years with two children. That would suggest a more recent affair. I mean has she really been having an affair with him for a decade with no commitment and you've never noticed anything? Unless she was having some mental health issue that you don't know about it's very hard to explain her behaviour. I think the colleague was trying to give her a heads up and if the colleague knows I think your husband must have been very indiscreet.

Trusts your instincts OP.

Entitled handbag on desk
No hello.
No introduction by others.
Awkwardness among colleagues
Husband silent and awkward
"oh it's a family conference "
Entitled questioning.
Leaving without saying anything.

Don't know what is happening but something is up.

If it walks like a duck, smells like a duck , cwacks like a duck, it probably is a duck.

I think this is suspect too. The bag plonking, the colleague giving her a heads up as to who you are, the shifty husband. Time to start being a bit more present in your joint business, I think.
I'd be questioning my husband very closely too after I'd done a bit of searching through receipts and bank records and mobile phone bills.

Replies on here show me I'm not overthinking

The secret lunches was with a different female rep which happened around the time I was pregnant with DD.

If some pp are right and the different female rep I saw was having an affair with DH, it would have happened at the time I was pregnant with DS then?

But it wasn't like we stopped having sex when I was pregnant. Nor do I think he found me unattractive whilst pregnant. The frequency of sex reduced and also stopped entirely for about the last month of pregnancies as I was so huge with both babies and it was uncomfortable. Is there something about pregnancy that makes him stray, I am wondering now?

The reason I thought that it couldnt be the case that he might have been shagging this woman was because I didn't think an affair could go on for a decade.

Is your DS your youngest or oldest?
I think he is having an affair with her and has said either his marriage is sexless so why would you have a child your DS’s age or he has said he can’t leave until DS is a particular age.
I think the territorial way she put her bag on his desk and the very insolent ‘ How interesting’ shows a level of presumption that I think indicates intimacy.
Also to direct a question at your child without looking at you or acknowledging you.
I think it is highly suspect and I would be pretty certain that my husband was or had been involved with this woman.
Otherwise if it was just business and she was trying to sell to him I would imagine common sense would surely mean that she would be charming to his wife and children.

I can understand that you were a bit thrown by this woman’s behaviour at the time but I don’t get how you haven’t asked your husband since then “What the fuck was that all about?”

Sorry OP bit affairs can and do go on for decades