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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Strange unannounced visit

475 replies

santamarga · 10/06/2021 08:51

Can I ask what you would have done or would do in this situation?

I dropped in unannounced into my husband's place of work (he owns it) with our children as we were in the area and thought it might be nice to pop in. Everything was nice, children having a chat with their dad, and a couple of male colleagues.

Suddenly this woman comes in, strides basically between where we were all standing chatting, and plonks her bag and some papers on DH's desk. The conversation between us all stopped, as I was looking at the woman, waiting for someone to speak.

It suddenly felt really awkward, DH said nothing, just stood there, and the woman was kind of waiting at the desk, as if she had an appointment and just assumed me and the children were customers so was waiting for us to finish.

One of the colleagues said to her something like 'it's a family conference here' in a jokey kind of way.

She then looks up, never once looked at me, looked the children up and down, and asked DS how old he was! When he replied she said 'oh, that's interesting'.

Then she picks up her bag and said something, I don't know what, and proceeds to walk out. It just felt so awkward, and DH said nothing during this.

Apparently she was a rep who had called in unannounced.

Would you have concerns about this?

OP posts:
Fralla · 10/06/2021 09:43

@santamarga

It was all just really awkward, you know, like when men stare at the ground, shuffle their feet, hands in pockets? I couldn't see what DH was doing as he was standing next to me, but I just got vibes, can't really explain it. DH is normally very talkative, so to be silent was unusual. The colleague who spoke is a nice man - they're all nice - but I would say he is the most socially confident.

DH just said afterwards something like she was trying to sell advertising and that she 'shouldnt bloody come in without an appointment' (but he's also said that about other male reps, so not unusual).

He has form for taking out a different female sales rep to lunch without telling me but no form (that I know of) for anything more than that.

Sorry but why is he taking sales reps out for lunch? Surely it's the sales reps job to take HIM out for lunch? They should be selling to him and not the other way around?

Are you involved with the business? Can you see if any business has actually been made with her company? Ie. look for invoices from her?

copperpotsalot · 10/06/2021 09:43

Ah okay so they're all similar age. Of the younger one had been 4 and the older ones 10-12 I'd have thought there was an affair around the time of the younger but that's clearly not the case

The social awkwardness is weird for a rep though... they're sales people, you'd expect them to be able to deal with this without being so weird

Amdone123 · 10/06/2021 09:43

It's not looking good, op. I would either ask my OH, or if you don't think that's a good idea, do some digging.

Best of luck.

santamarga · 10/06/2021 09:46

@Summer23

He’s been caught off guard and she obviously is use to being in the office (bag on desk). Definitely trust your gut.
This is it, I got that feeling that she is use to being there. A bit like how you'd come in from a day at work and plonk your bag down on the table at home. She strode in like she worked there almost.

I am literally kicking myself that I stood there like a lemon but I was just so taken aback. Yes, I will have to do more digging. How, I don't know. The colleagues aren't going to tell me all the time they have allegiance to him, plus it's an awkward position to put them in, plus they could lie.

OP posts:
starfish4 · 10/06/2021 09:47

Anyone just walking into a room like that would have been invited or know they're welcome to do that. I can't believe your husband didn't either introduce you and then gently point out it's a work meeting and you need to go, or if she wasn't expected ask her to wait a few minutes. If your husband doesn't normally have any social issues, it shouldn't be a member of staff pointing out the situation. From what I've read, it wouldn't sit right with me and I'd be asking DH more questions.

MaMaD1990 · 10/06/2021 09:47

I never ever advise this, but I'd 100% do some digging on the sly and not let on to your DH. It may be completely innocent but the encounter obviously got you thinking. If it is an affair, he's not going to admit it to you if you just ask him. I'd be looking for something more concrete before approaching him.

Amandasummers · 10/06/2021 09:48

My mind would be in overdrive with this, but then again, I’d I said nothing at the time I would have been asking questions the second she’d left.

Xiaoxiong · 10/06/2021 09:49

I have to agree with everyone else - your DH's behaviour is very odd considering it's his business? Why wouldn't he immediately go into "business owner" mode and park her somewhere while he said goodbye to you and the kids? Or, if it wasn't convenient, say "oh I'm so sorry, you've caught me at a bad time, I'm just seeing the family off and then got to get back to work, can we make an appointment for next week?"

Also it seems hugely insecure!! What kind of business is it where members of the public without an appointment can walk straight in without ringing a bell, and gain access to your DH's desk? Hope he doesn't keep anything confidential visible on his desk and locks his computer every time he stands up!!

lottiegarbanzo · 10/06/2021 09:50

Concerns? She was walking into a professional environment to do a job and reasonably imagined everyone else was there for the same reason, in the same mode. Instead she found it full of children, thought WTF? and left.

justanotherneighinparadise · 10/06/2021 09:50

Do you know who she is? The obvious starting place is to find out if she even is a rep. Once you uncover one lie you’ll know there’s much more after that. So I’d find out her name. Look for her on the internet and start watching your husbands habits. Now your switched onto it he better hope he has covered his tracks well.

soreenqueen21 · 10/06/2021 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rjacksmiss · 10/06/2021 09:51

Ask your DH for her name and where she works? Just be like, what's her name? I feel like I know her from somewhere. See how he reacts!

esterwin · 10/06/2021 09:52

She might very well be a rep. But she is a rep that he is or was shagging and his work colleagues know about it.

justanotherneighinparadise · 10/06/2021 09:52

Ha ha I like that! Yeah say you think you might no her from school and watch his face.

justanotherneighinparadise · 10/06/2021 09:52

*know

Xiaoxiong · 10/06/2021 09:53

She was walking into a professional environment to do a job

She was a sales rep supposedly without an appointment - she doesn't work there, she wasn't expected and she somehow gained access to the area where their desks are, AND slung her bag down on his desk?

I don't know. It seems really off. No office I've ever worked at would someone get past the front door without being let in by someone who knew them or was expecting them.

esterwin · 10/06/2021 09:56

Yes she was very at home in his office. I wouldnt walk into someone elses office and put my bag on their desk. I would with DP.
Asking the age of your child and the remark does sound as if she was shagging him when you were pregnant or soon after giving birth and knew nothing about you or your pregnancy.
By the way I read sometime ago that the most common time for a man to cheat is when his wife is pregnant.

summersolstice43 · 10/06/2021 09:57

You could always ask him which company she is a rep for as you feel you recognised her or something. Get a bit info on her then you can do some digging.

fruitbrewhaha · 10/06/2021 09:57

It's weird but I would immediately assume affair.

Does your DH owe her company money? Has she been calling to collect but not got through to him.

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/06/2021 09:58

I don’t know OP. That totally smacks of someone he was once shagging… and maybe around the time DS was born

Exactly what I was thinking tbh, and more specifically that the line 'sexless marriage' had been used.

Sakurami · 10/06/2021 09:59

Maybe the age thing is that he's been lying about something to do with the kids. Maybe can't leave the family because of exam time or the kids are young or something. It is definitely related to something. And she wasn't even subtle about it.

BishBashBoshBush · 10/06/2021 09:59

Doesn't look good op. I agree with the pp saying he's spun her a lie about not shagging you for years and years. How horrible for you all.

TheGlassBlowersDaughter · 10/06/2021 10:00

If this all happened quite quickly then it could be innocent. She walked in expecting your DH to leave the customers (you and DCs) to his colleague. When he didn't, she was confused. Colleague explained you were family. She tried to make small talk with the DC but ultimately wasn't interested because she was there for work. When she realised your DH wasn't going to prioritise speaking to a sales rep over speaking to family, she left.
Her reactions were vaguely normal. Your DH not speaking to her or introducing you was a bit odd but maybe he was just thrown because he wasn't expecting her.

justanotherneighinparadise · 10/06/2021 10:00

@esterwin

Yes she was very at home in his office. I wouldnt walk into someone elses office and put my bag on their desk. I would with DP. Asking the age of your child and the remark does sound as if she was shagging him when you were pregnant or soon after giving birth and knew nothing about you or your pregnancy. By the way I read sometime ago that the most common time for a man to cheat is when his wife is pregnant.
God I hadn’t even thought about that, re. why she might have asked the age of the child!!
thesunwillout · 10/06/2021 10:00

My guess is an arranged lunch meeting, that they've done before.

She has no manners, and he could be the wrong side of purely professional.
Even to a familiar degree where she thinks nothing of waltzing in like that.

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