Strange unannounced visit

[santamarga]

Can I ask what you would have done or would do in this situation?

I dropped in unannounced into my husband's place of work (he owns it) with our children as we were in the area and thought it might be nice to pop in. Everything was nice, children having a chat with their dad, and a couple of male colleagues.

Suddenly this woman comes in, strides basically between where we were all standing chatting, and plonks her bag and some papers on DH's desk. The conversation between us all stopped, as I was looking at the woman, waiting for someone to speak.

It suddenly felt really awkward, DH said nothing, just stood there, and the woman was kind of waiting at the desk, as if she had an appointment and just assumed me and the children were customers so was waiting for us to finish.

One of the colleagues said to her something like 'it's a family conference here' in a jokey kind of way.

She then looks up, never once looked at me, looked the children up and down, and asked DS how old he was! When he replied she said 'oh, that's interesting'.

Then she picks up her bag and said something, I don't know what, and proceeds to walk out. It just felt so awkward, and DH said nothing during this.

Apparently she was a rep who had called in unannounced.

Would you have concerns about this?

*I'd also like to predict that this thread could run and run. Maybe it'll become one of those 'support' threads, where batshit posters congregate and share fantastical theories

'Become,' you say?

@GuildfordGal *

whatevs

Ohh I get it now.

So she asked DS's age because he is probably still at primary school but because he looks two years older than his real age, he appears to be a teenager, right?

She doesn't ask DD's age because DD is clearly a teenager at secondary school (because DD is actually slightly older than DS, but again looks two years older than her actual years).

So, he's probably said that he couldn't take the affair any further all the time his kids are at primary?

Sales reps are usually over friendly, doing anything they can to kiss arse to sell their products.

The professional ones usually aren't and don't.

Was she hoping to go for lunch with him OP. Sounds a bit like a ‘Are you ready to go?’ greeting from her.

I’d be pissed off with my DH in this scenario for not saying anything.

I’m actually pissed off for you OP.

Then Mrs OP comes in with her beautiful children, sales rep lady sees the family for real (not just some imagined old hag of a wife) and realises that she's been played (which is why she makes a quick exit).

I never like the MN assumption that every strange happening is due to an affair. But there's clearly something amiss here - are there other possibilities OP? Could your husband being considering changing/selling the business, would it involve this woman, could she be buying a share? Could he owe her shed loads of money and it's very awkward? I'm clutching at straws here, but you get where I'm coming from.

But if you are going to confront him, I'd wait until you've had chance to check his phone, email etc etc. As other posters have said, if he thinks you've got a whiff of something strange then he'll go underground with his comms, and you could end up never knowing.

I'd think " A) Reps with no appointment, do NOT barge unnanounced into a client's meeting with strangers and dump their bag on the desk.

               B)  Therefore  DH lied to you  about her.

                C) She is a woman on VERY  familiar/informal terms with DH  who had no idea DH is married and has children. 

                D) Therefore  DH lied to her too.

The more I think about it the more I think this might have been a plan to go to lunch. You being there put a spanner in the works. Colleagues looking awkward. Your DH stood there like a lemon because he couldn’t say ‘Sorry Stompy, can’t make it for lunch today’ as he knew it might cause friction with you. She got the non-verbal message that lunch wasn’t going to happen so left.

What does he usually do for lunch in the office? Take something with him? Buy something?

for you OP. This sort of thing is shit to live through even if there isn’t any infidelity.

Whatever the truth, you and your children found yourselves to be in a situation none of you deserved. It sounds like you and your children intended for it to be a nice surprise meet-up with dad. Yet you've instead come away feeling unsettled and worrying about the state of your marriage and feeling sorry for and worrying about your DS.

I do really wish some men would think a bit more deeply and cherish their families rather than their own egos.

It sounds like he's relished being the big business-man who can wine and dine female associates, while at the same time having the beautiful family at home. PP mentioned worlds colliding which had previously been kept separate. This is a classic sign of a narcissist - compartmentalisation.

And, yes, such men often will 'trade down' in the looks stakes when having affairs, especially where they have trophy wives (narc men will often seek out trophy wives). Narcissists are supreme charmers, so it is never surprising when other women enter into affairs and fall for them.

Because narcissists compartmentalise, they have the ability to maintain lies for years, so a decade would not be surprising.

All guesswork, but that is what it sounds like.

I never like the MN assumption that every strange happening is due to an affair. But there's clearly something amiss here - are there other possibilities OP?

Agree. Something is up but what? You would have thought it odd if a male rep had behaved like this also.

If it was a rom com she'd be the party planner coming in to finalise arrangements for an amazing bash OH has organised. Realising the clowns won't go down with the pre teens.
But unlikely.

Sorry OP not making light of your stress. But it doesn't have to be worst case scenario but you need to get to the bottom of it. Def very odd.

The more I think about this, the more I think this might have been a plan to go lunch

@PeridotPenelope you might just be right. And the lunch isn't necessarily a sign of an affair, but it all looks like odd, furtive behaviour and I'd want to get to the bottom of it.

@EpochTime

Completely agree with your post.

Exact same scenario as my marriage and my narc.

When I first read this I thought he's having an affair and has told OW he can't leave until the kids are adults , then a PP said much the same as I had thought

Dig deep
Drop in randomly & more often
Look into your finances and make sure you are secure

I really hope we are all wrong and she's just a stupid rude rep

It's such odd behaviour. Does your husband have normal social skills, OP? Would he, in the past, have said, "Oh hi Sally, sorry, we're running a bit late today. My wife and children have popped in" and then introduced you both? Is remaining silent his usual behaviour?

santamarga Right ok, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I wouldn't jump straight to an affair as you say he doesn't have form for this and you have never suspected anything before. thought it does sound very odd, and clearly your instincts are tingling here. I would try to find out a bit more about her and how well he knows her,I agree that she seems very familiar with his office as well rings a few Bells but there could be a number of reasons you need to get to the bottom of it op as clearly this is troubling you.

Hmm I worked in close proximity to my boss, only 3 of us in the place. It was very much my territory as it was his - as in come back off lunch, ditch bag etc... However I knew he had a wife and 2 kids (used to amuse one of the children for couple of hours when needed!) Had never met his wife, however if there was somebody my boss was speaking to I would have assumed customer until I was filled in ie '' family conference here" or boss would have introduced us.

In the most innocent example, she has hots for your husband and perhaps thought he was single. Or knew and has jealousy issues.

Personally I wouldn't leap in to affair scenario, but if you suspect - the MNetters will give you next steps I'm sure. X

It does sound worrying - is there anyone else at the company that you could talk to about it?

@santamarga

And she's not even pretty. Sorry, i know that shouldnt make a difference.

I'm sorry to tell you this OP but a woman doesn't have to be pretty for a man to have an affair with her. She just has to be available, vulnerable and have no respect for herself in the moment the affair is happening

@CaraherEIL

OP. The bag on the desk The warning that is is a ‘family conference’ The other men awkward and foot shuffling The shifty behaviour and non introduction from your husband Her ignoring you The sarcastic ‘how interesting’ in relation to your child’s age and then her abruptly leaving She is not just an odd woman.

Absolutely. Too much going on there! None of it makes for an innocent situation.

I would always trust my instincts but you have sme digging to do if you want to find out the truth.

@eekbumbler

Hmm I worked in close proximity to my boss, only 3 of us in the place. It was very much my territory as it was his - as in come back off lunch, ditch bag etc... However I knew he had a wife and 2 kids (used to amuse one of the children for couple of hours when needed!) Had never met his wife, however if there was somebody my boss was speaking to I would have assumed customer until I was filled in ie '' family conference here" or boss would have introduced us.

In the most innocent example, she has hots for your husband and perhaps thought he was single. Or knew and has jealousy issues.

Personally I wouldn't leap in to affair scenario, but if you suspect - the MNetters will give you next steps I'm sure. X

But she doesn't work there. He's not her boss.

Also men are just genuinely useless - how often have we been in a situation and said - well you could have spoken up there, or spoken up for me - to hear I didn't know what was going on, I didn't know she was coming in...

How old is she? Is she old enough to have been with him a decade ago.

Sales reps are notoriously bolshy and quite ignorant - they want their sale and commission, wife and kids doesn't figure.

I don't know, just don't want to leap to wrong conclusions but maybe I'm being naive.

She didn't realise you were family and thought you were customers, could she think you were the family of the colleague who spoke up alerting her to a family conference? Is there more than one desk to dump her bag, could they be covering for him?

Ouch sounds like she was staking her claim. Definitely do some discreet digging , there's something just not right here