I think my husband might be gay

[Jjlrb47922]

Looking for advice please. I think my husband might be gay or bisexual. We have been together for 20 years since we were teenagers. We are married with two children.
Don't want to go into too much detail but bit of background, he had a lot of gay friends when we first met and would go to gay clubs with them. I used to sometimes go too as there was a large group of us, some gay and some straight. Never saw anything suspicious from him. Once we'd been together a couple of years we lost touch with these friends as they moved away. We also stopped going out clubbing and moved in together. A couple of years later I came across a gay chat room window open on our pc. Somehow it got clicked off very quickly and I couldn't get back on it. Asked him about it, he said must have been an advert. Asked him was he gay /bisexual, said no. I thought this was strange.
Many years passed. Nothing else happened to raise any suspicions. We went on to get married and have 2 kids. We've never had a lot of sex and when we did it was very vanilla, but since having the kids we don't have sex at all and we sleep in separate rooms. (my idea as I snore). So there is no intimacy anymore.
It has still always been in the back of my mind and I would sometimes bring it up in a jokey way and he would deny. The lack of sex started to raise my suspicions further.

Fast forward to now, I have been away for a few days with the children. He stayed home to have his second covid vaccine and to decorate some rooms, which he has done. This morning I needed to go into his emails for something (which he allows me to to) and there was an order for a sex toy on there that is related to anal sex. With extra paid for next day delivery so it would arrive when I was away. Intrigued I looked further back over the past year and have found a couple of other things.
Nothing really indicates that he has cheated on me, he's a home body and is either at work or home with us, so I really don't know when he could actually meet up with someone. I don't know if these things are for self use only but it definitely related to gay men, not straight sex.
I have been in his room and searched every inch of it and can't find any of these items. I've also been through all of the bins outside. So they aren't here.

What do I do now? I want to confront him immediately when he gets in tonight but I don't know if that is a good idea, and the children will be here.
I am a sahm with no money of my own. He pays for everything. We have been drifting apart for years and I've been contemplating a split anyway. But I feel like I need to tread carefully and maybe gather further evidence but I don't know how. I don't have anyone to talk to about this in real life so really need some advice on how to tread with this.

Just a note, I know not all gay men are camp or "look gay" or anything like that, I don't want this to come a cross as offensive. But my husband is a rugged, big, masculine guy who is actually quite homophobic. No one would ever guess in a million years if he was

It does sound like it’s probable he’s gay to me OP. I’m sorry, for both of you really. It’s a huge betrayal but obviously he’s never felt able to come out, which is quite sad in this day and age. But you gave him multiple opportunities to tell you, it’s not your fault in any way. I think you do need to talk to him, but it might be best to do it away from the children.

I hope you’re ok, I’d be devastated

He's probably homophobic because he's gay and feels ashamed.

I don't agree with your teasing him about it in the past I must say!

Hi OP he could be, or he may be into anal play.
I appreciate I don’t know what you have seen in his emails.
You need to talk to him. It’s not fair you have to do the difficult conversation again but neither of you can continue to live like this.
I wish you luck

To be honest, it sounds like a pretty lame, sexless marriage which has run its course and sounds like you’d be better off separating regardless. I don’t think you can establish whether he’s bisexual or gay from any of the things you’ve mentioned, even in combination. But I don’t think it’s the point anyway. Why do you feel the need to gather further evidence? If you didn’t find any, why would you want to stay in this marriage? You don’t need any more reason to end it than because neither of you is happy. You’re together out of habit / because you like him for his money and paying the bills / because it’s easier than divorcing / because you’re both too afraid too communicate properly.

I'm sad to hear you feel as though you're drifting apart from your husband, that is a very lonely experience, there really isn't enough to go on in working out whether your husband "is gay" or not.

Much like you I spent time in gay clubs, there used to be loads in Brighton and Vauxhall, I'd go because they were a great laugh.

Maybe this thing is just for wanking bit to be fair I'd feel a bit rejected if I discovered my DH has ordered a gay wanking thing.

Are there other underlying issues in your relationship?

Sorry to hear of your situation. I would think he sounds gay or at the very least, bi. As people here often says, if it quacks like a duck, it looks like a duck, then it’s probably a duck!

But I don’t think that’s the main issue here… (my boyfriend considers himself a little ‘bi’, he has had homo-erotic experiences before but does not seek out gay experiences, overall he loves women too much! ) Just saying this as I am not against being with someone who is bi…

I think the problem here is you have found him hiding something from you. He is lying to you by omission… if he has buying sex toys behind your back and you cannot find them and he is presumably using it with someone, does it matter if it is a man or woman? You just have t decide what to do if this is true. It does not sound like a fulfilling relationship anyway if you are thinking of splitting…

@tempconcerns I have never teased him. I spoke about it in a light hearted way to push him into saying something. He is the homophobic one, not me.

I just with he would tell me the truth and we can both move on with our lives!!
When I do speak to him about it, I know 100% he will deny it or he will say its just for self play. But the damage is done because I can't trust him.
This puts me in the position of having to be the one to say I want to seperate. I wouldn't even know how to begin. I don't have a penny of my own. We couldn't stay in this house

The most important thing is making sure you are practically able to fend for yourself whatever happens.

That way you can make a decision based on what you want not what you think you have to do.

Sort out the money before you do anything.

It might help to think of this not as a binary label if he is straight or gay or bi, but that people who are only ever in heterosexual relationships can still have an interest and be aroused by the idea of same sex activities and that can be incorporated in a healthy way.

It’s not unusual for people to explore their sexuality and as you’ve said your intimacy has been missing for a long time it’s not a surprise he hasn’t been sharing with you.
Lots of couples keep things vanilla, but it’s also not unusually to explore bisexual or homosexual interests within a marriage- what matters is what it means to the individuals and the couple collectively. It can be a great thing to explore if your marriage is secure and intimacy levels are high. (And I’m not talking about going outside or opening the relationship, I mean within the marriage)

If you have been thinking of separating anyway, maybe the ship has sailed, but the only sensible recommendation to talk.

Can you make space for this without it being a confrontation? Would you consider couples therapy? If he is attracted to same sex activities- whether it’s pure fantasy, or porn, and as you say he is homophobic he may be carrying shame around those urges.

I think you have two issues here- whether you actually want to be with this person any more, and If so, can you rebuild intimacy and create space for both of you to experiment and explore.

@ComtesseDeSpair all of the things you have said are true, I won't deny it. I have spent my whole adult life with him and he is very controlling. I don't know how I would manage on my own, financially or otherwise. I've stayed in the marriage because my children are young. I can't provide for them like he can

You sleep in separate rooms, you don’t have sex, you feel you have nothing in common and have been contemplating splitting. I don’t think whether he’s bisexual or enjoys anal play is the real issue here. By the time you reach a point where the only real reason you want to stay is because you would need to get a job if you did and couldn’t afford to keep the house, your relationship is over. Divorce is divorce, whether it’s because you finally get him to admit he’s gay or because you decide you don’t want to live like this anymore. The outcome will be the same, so you might as well be the one who takes charge of how it happens.

Can you look into working? Or training for a career? Set yourself up financially before you part ways.

Sounds odd to be homophobic when he’s had gay friends?

I would definitely be asking about the email though, it’s okay to talk about these things in a marriage so don’t keep it to yourself.

If he’s let you have access to his email I’m surprised he hasn’t deleted the email regarding the sex toy. Or maybe he’s not trying to hide it?

Ugh I don’t know it’s a tough one to call without having a proper chat with him x

First of all, if you discovered that he has ordered toys which involve male anal penetration/stimulation, that says nothing about whether he is attracted to men. Gay men are gay because they like having sex with men, not because they like anal stimulation; plenty of gay men don't like to be penetrated at all. (Haven't you heard of topping and bottoming?) Anal stimulation hits the exact same nerves in straight men as it does gay ones, because they have the same anatomy.

That said, clearly this marriage is not working, either sexually or otherwise. Don't get caught up in who exactly your husband is attracted to; ultimately it really doesn't matter.

Just to say that the fact that it seems that he's aroused by anal play in no way means he's gay. It's very very common in both men and women. That in itself is not really a clue.

Bit more information. He had also ordered Poppers on more than one occasion. He has never taken drugs as far as I'm aware and is a very sensible man, doesn't even drink!! I looked at the website these poppers were from and it states that it is a gay male website and the poppers are for use with anal sex which we do not have.

So these, combined with the sex toy and things from our past, and the lack of sex, all point to me that he has been of is thinking of having sex with a man

He is very controlling and I have zero confidence. Even with the email evidence he will just keep denying everything. I don't know what to do.

With regards to separating and work, I'm disabled so work would be difficult for me but I would if I had to. And we don't have any family help with childcare so I just don't know how I would manage everything.

I’m not sure what the sex toys etc were but I can’t think of ones which are specifically for gay men and not straight men - lots of straight men enjoy anal/prostate stimulation not just gay men. However, that’s beside the point. It seems the key thing is that you are stuck in a loveless sexless marriage where you aren’t happy and he is hiding things from you. The whole thing sounds lonely and awful and it must be better to get out and find happiness rather than be stuck living like this with both of you miserable and unfulfilled.

My fad bought us our home so my husband is on a cushy number. This is why I know he will do everything to not admit this

*dad

If he’s controlling, you can speak to women’s aid for practical advice and support

Divorce him.

Regardless of whether he's gay or not, you sound as though you despise him.

Homophobic but would visit gay clubs? Yeah, sorry, he’s gay. And I think you know that. You need to talk to him.

it states that it is a gay male website and the poppers are for use with anal sex confused which we do not have

They can relax the anal muscles, which again could easily be for him using toys on himself. It's far from proof he is seeing men. That said, again this is all a sideshow. He's controlling, you have no sex life, your marriage is failing or failed. You need to start planning for divorce and for a separate, independent life, starting with having your own money.