I think my husband might be gay

[Jjlrb47922]

Looking for advice please. I think my husband might be gay or bisexual. We have been together for 20 years since we were teenagers. We are married with two children.
Don't want to go into too much detail but bit of background, he had a lot of gay friends when we first met and would go to gay clubs with them. I used to sometimes go too as there was a large group of us, some gay and some straight. Never saw anything suspicious from him. Once we'd been together a couple of years we lost touch with these friends as they moved away. We also stopped going out clubbing and moved in together. A couple of years later I came across a gay chat room window open on our pc. Somehow it got clicked off very quickly and I couldn't get back on it. Asked him about it, he said must have been an advert. Asked him was he gay /bisexual, said no. I thought this was strange.
Many years passed. Nothing else happened to raise any suspicions. We went on to get married and have 2 kids. We've never had a lot of sex and when we did it was very vanilla, but since having the kids we don't have sex at all and we sleep in separate rooms. (my idea as I snore). So there is no intimacy anymore.
It has still always been in the back of my mind and I would sometimes bring it up in a jokey way and he would deny. The lack of sex started to raise my suspicions further.

Fast forward to now, I have been away for a few days with the children. He stayed home to have his second covid vaccine and to decorate some rooms, which he has done. This morning I needed to go into his emails for something (which he allows me to to) and there was an order for a sex toy on there that is related to anal sex. With extra paid for next day delivery so it would arrive when I was away. Intrigued I looked further back over the past year and have found a couple of other things.
Nothing really indicates that he has cheated on me, he's a home body and is either at work or home with us, so I really don't know when he could actually meet up with someone. I don't know if these things are for self use only but it definitely related to gay men, not straight sex.
I have been in his room and searched every inch of it and can't find any of these items. I've also been through all of the bins outside. So they aren't here.

What do I do now? I want to confront him immediately when he gets in tonight but I don't know if that is a good idea, and the children will be here.
I am a sahm with no money of my own. He pays for everything. We have been drifting apart for years and I've been contemplating a split anyway. But I feel like I need to tread carefully and maybe gather further evidence but I don't know how. I don't have anyone to talk to about this in real life so really need some advice on how to tread with this.

Just a note, I know not all gay men are camp or "look gay" or anything like that, I don't want this to come a cross as offensive. But my husband is a rugged, big, masculine guy who is actually quite homophobic. No one would ever guess in a million years if he was

He won't just leave because it's not that easy!

It's his home too so unfortunately you can't just expect him to go oh well and move out.

You need to see a solicitor.

Of course she can! Best case he's been sending nude pics of himself to others.

I caught my exH cheating and he was out the house the same day. Not OPs problem where he goes

So basically OP you want him to tell you hes gay so you dont need to feel that your marriage failing was in any way your fault. Then you want him to move out and pay you lots of money so you dont have to work, at least for a few years. It is unlikely things are going to pan out that way. You need to be a bit proactive - speak to a solicitor, tell your husband it's over, start working on your cv.

If it was just one thing then maybe it might not mean he was gay - as some people seem hell bent on him being straight! But the toys, the poppers, the 'homophobic but likes gay clubs/friends', the anal douche, the posing pics and dick pics. If it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck....

I say this as someone whose OH lied about being bi for 20 years, he would lie about anything related to it to cover it up even when he didn't need to, he'd back track on things he said, pretend they were a joke or say he couldn't remember saying them. He was very into anal toys/anal sex and doggy style, very emotionally distant/depressed at times. He's wasn't homophobic but felt strongly that while being attracted to men is fine for other people it's not ok for him.

I wonder if rephrasing it might help - rather than asking is he gay ask if he's attracted to men? He might not consider himself gay or bi. Ask him to be honest because it's not fair on either of you - especially you to be unknowingly living a lie, but I'd tell him you would never out him to anyone else as that is not your place - this is probably a huge fear of his. If you want to find out you're going to need to tread gently.

I understand the hurt of the lies and deception and the importance of wanting to know the truth as this is a relationship you've given 20 years to - I've been in a similar situation - and also them not wanting to leave and you feeling so angry that you've done nothing wrong but are being made to be the one to end the marriage/kick out your children's father which is just an extra kick in the teeth and not how you ever imagined your life going.

It's a shit situation OP and I'm really sorry you're in it. It's fine for a man to be gay/bi/confused but to get married and have kids with someone and drag them into it is just wrong - if you're confused or unsure then don't get married, it's really simple. No one should have been applauding Phillip Schofield when he came out, all concern should have been for his wife whose whole adult life has been a front and a lie.

@BarbarianMum

So basically OP you want him to tell you hes gay so you dont need to feel that your marriage failing was in any way your fault. Then you want him to move out and pay you lots of money so you dont have to work, at least for a few years. It is unlikely things are going to pan out that way. You need to be a bit proactive - speak to a solicitor, tell your husband it's over, start working on your cv.

The marriage failing apart wasn't in anyway her fault if he is gay.

@Tal45 and if he was bi?

He could be straight and it still wouldn't necessarily be her fault that the marriage hasn't worked.

But none of this is important. Instead of obsessing over whose fault it was and staying stuck because she doesnt want to be the one to say it's over the OP could just call it a day. It wouldnt make it her fault or her a bad person. You dont have to apportion blame to end a marriage, you can just end it, esp when what you've got is basically 2 miserable people living under the same roof.

@BarbarianMum have you not read my last update? I said that I have taken responsibility for my part in all this as he's obviously felt unloved or pushed away by me. And I acted like that because I felt unloved and pushed away by him!!
What I didn't do is start sending pics etc and being secretive. That's my issue.

Whilst I took the kids to school he got the items down from the loft for me. I feel conflicted because the poppers which he bought in April are still sealed and haven't been used. They are the ones I've seen the receipt for. And the other item is still sealed in its packaging so also hasn't been used.

@BarbarianMum I agree if she just ended it regardless of the situation it wouldn't make her a bad person or her fault.

From personal experience, whether right or wrong, the evidence of my exH having an affair eased my guilt when seeing my broken hearted DC struggling with the split.

I'd thought about leaving prior to discovering his affair but it was almost as if I was leaving a marriage where the only problem (that I knew of) was lack of intimacy. It seemed a bit selfish to put my DC through that so I could go off and have sex with someone else.

I'm not for a minute suggesting anyone should stay in an unhappy marriage out of guilt. But if there's a way to ease the guilt then why not give yourself that?!

Understanding what went wrong in her marriage and why, can also help OP move on and rebuild her life.

Surely everyone who goes through a divorce after 20 years deserves to know why things are ending. Even if him cheating and/or being gay is only one of a few factors

OP, I could have written your post 5 years ago. I found a separate email account open on the family iPad (I wasn’t snooping it then I did) and found evidence of his activities when he’d been away at conferences, or when I’d taken the kids away for the weekend. I can guarantee you there will be more than toys in the loft. There will be condoms, perhaps flyers or cards for clubs, and maybe a burner phone with Grindr on it. When you know you can’t unknow.

Whether he is gay or not, you need to kick him out of the house. He sounds awful. Don’t co-habit as “friends” just “for the kids.” He doesn’t want to give up his cushy life. I don’t understand why your dad wants to give him 20% of the property? Your dad bought the house for YOU. It’s YOUR house. Just kick him out or get some male family members of friends to help you.

I think he is gay though. He sounds very secretive and defensive. A straight man wouldn’t buy a butt plug especially if he is keeping it a secret from his DW!

If you’re wondering how you’d support yourself then your (hopefully ex) husband will pay child support. It sounds like you have a supportive DF too.

My dad bought the house for us when we had children and were married and my husband pays him rent. My husband has also spent thousands on the property doing it up. So we drew up the document to make it fair

I'm going to go up to loft in a minute but I don't expect to find anything because he's already been up there this morning to get those whilst I took the children to school so i would presume he's already moved anything else.
He has just called me from work (he wasn't supposed to go in today), saying that he can't face me and that's why he's gone in. I said well how are we supposed to continue talking because the kids will be there. He says he can't talk to me because he's too embarrassed. What do I do now?

@Ksbegckah are you the OP and name changed? You need to kick him out. Get help from family members.

Yes sorry I did a name change

You're going to confuse the hell out of this thread now by doing a name change half way through. Maybe put a pretext in every new message saying you are the OP otherwise people won't have a clue who's who anymore.

Hi op I’m sorry you are in this situation.
Did you take maintenance into consideration that he will need to pay.
You will get tax credits and are you entitled to PIP?
Start looking for finances, his wage slips/savings investments and if he has a pension.
I think he been looking for men.
It’s sad he needs to lie about it.
He may carry a lot of shame but these are his feelings and he needs to deal with this.

💐

@CutieBear you cant just kick your married partner out of the marital home, it's not legal, so stop suggesting it. The OP will need to talk to him.

OP if you cant talk to him right now take the time to think really clearly about what you want to happen next and start looking for a good solicitor. It wont hurt to know your options.

What you do now is start the divorce process by finding a decent local solicitor.

He isn't going to make it easy put you press on.

Also put your house up for sale as ultimately it will have to be sold. If he won't agree to it then again it will have to be forced as part of the divorce.

Sort out child benefit.

Stop cooking, laundry for him etc. Claim UC as a single parent as you are entitled to once you are living separately under the same roof.

This is why posters recommend that you get your ducks in a row before speaking to him. You need to push forwards meaning business.

You're actually in a really good position in terms of housing then. I'm sorry that this is happening to you, but you and your DC will be safe at least.

I can't believe some of the posters on here are downplaying the fact he may be gay. Of course it's relevant and if he is then he has wasted 20 years of the OPs life in deception and knowing that it won't be fulfilling her needs -potentially for the rest of her life.
Reminds me of when Phillip Schofield came out and he was so stunning and fucking brave when behind him stood a stoical heartbroken woman and who cares about the woman?

You are actually in a good position and you need to LTB. My exH (never DH) was gay (now identifies as a woman!), you couldn't make some of his warped shit up.
Being gay is not a problem. My daughter is gay. My sister. It's ok. What isn't is dishonesty and emotional abuse.
Leave him.

I would get your plan for leaving if you need to in place before having a chat - financial and practical stuff.

Count your lucky blessings that you don’t have sex anymore.

I’ve been through very similar except it was dangerous for me to raise the subject as he was very defensive. He also gaslit me about it constantly. Things I found were denied or brushed off. Be prepared for an onslaught of lies.

Unfortunately, you have wasted a lot of your life with him. Similarly, I felt used too as my ex clearly couldn’t come out of the closet. As the kids were so young, I began to lie to myself also and turn a blind eye which only caused great resentment and a hell of a lot of bitterness.

I really am sorry that it’s happened to you. It’s not fair at all. By the way, I am on quite friendly terms with my ex now for the kid’s sake and he still dates women

**Alonelonelylonersbadidea

I can't believe some of the posters on here are downplaying the fact he may be gay. Of course it's relevant and if he is then he has wasted 20 years of the OPs life in deception and knowing that it won't be fulfilling her needs -potentially for the rest of her life.
Reminds me of when Phillip Schofield came out and he was so stunning and fucking brave when behind him stood a stoical heartbroken woman and who cares about the woman?

You are actually in a good position and you need to LTB. My exH (never DH) was gay (now identifies as a woman!), you couldn't make some of his warped shit up.
Being gay is not a problem. My daughter is gay. My sister. It's ok. What isn't is dishonesty and emotional abuse.
Leave him.**

Completely agree with all that you’ve said here. I was going to bring up Schofield myself.

I really don’t think he can reasonably claim he bought an anal douche for heterosexual sex, surely?

@SeaShoreGalore he said for medical reasons. Nothing sexual related. Am I supposed to believe that?