I think my husband might be gay

[Jjlrb47922]

Looking for advice please. I think my husband might be gay or bisexual. We have been together for 20 years since we were teenagers. We are married with two children.
Don't want to go into too much detail but bit of background, he had a lot of gay friends when we first met and would go to gay clubs with them. I used to sometimes go too as there was a large group of us, some gay and some straight. Never saw anything suspicious from him. Once we'd been together a couple of years we lost touch with these friends as they moved away. We also stopped going out clubbing and moved in together. A couple of years later I came across a gay chat room window open on our pc. Somehow it got clicked off very quickly and I couldn't get back on it. Asked him about it, he said must have been an advert. Asked him was he gay /bisexual, said no. I thought this was strange.
Many years passed. Nothing else happened to raise any suspicions. We went on to get married and have 2 kids. We've never had a lot of sex and when we did it was very vanilla, but since having the kids we don't have sex at all and we sleep in separate rooms. (my idea as I snore). So there is no intimacy anymore.
It has still always been in the back of my mind and I would sometimes bring it up in a jokey way and he would deny. The lack of sex started to raise my suspicions further.

Fast forward to now, I have been away for a few days with the children. He stayed home to have his second covid vaccine and to decorate some rooms, which he has done. This morning I needed to go into his emails for something (which he allows me to to) and there was an order for a sex toy on there that is related to anal sex. With extra paid for next day delivery so it would arrive when I was away. Intrigued I looked further back over the past year and have found a couple of other things.
Nothing really indicates that he has cheated on me, he's a home body and is either at work or home with us, so I really don't know when he could actually meet up with someone. I don't know if these things are for self use only but it definitely related to gay men, not straight sex.
I have been in his room and searched every inch of it and can't find any of these items. I've also been through all of the bins outside. So they aren't here.

What do I do now? I want to confront him immediately when he gets in tonight but I don't know if that is a good idea, and the children will be here.
I am a sahm with no money of my own. He pays for everything. We have been drifting apart for years and I've been contemplating a split anyway. But I feel like I need to tread carefully and maybe gather further evidence but I don't know how. I don't have anyone to talk to about this in real life so really need some advice on how to tread with this.

Just a note, I know not all gay men are camp or "look gay" or anything like that, I don't want this to come a cross as offensive. But my husband is a rugged, big, masculine guy who is actually quite homophobic. No one would ever guess in a million years if he was

@Jjlrb47922

He is very controlling and I have zero confidence. Even with the email evidence he will just keep denying everything. I don't know what to do.

With this update op it doesn't matter if he is gay or not. You need to leave because he is controlling. Controlling is like 100 times worse than maybe fancying men and ordering the odd cheeky sex toy.

But you would be wise to get an sti check just incase.

Speak to womens aid for some advice. I think looking into the benefits you would be entitled to and speaking to a solicitor about what you would get in a divorce would be good steps too. Though you may have to get out first and start earning/claiming before doing the later.

You have two kids so you'll get money for them, plus universal credit and council tax discount. It's perfectly doable to sustain yourself. Not easy but doable. You could also sell anything he wont miss. Just make sure you have your own bank account.

Oh dear... Your update about ordering poppers along with the gay sex toys has rather changed things. The fact you can't find these things anywhere would drive me nuts!
Best case scenario = wanking
Worst case scenario = rent boys.

Are you sure he's actually bought these things and they've been posted? He's not just browsing?

Do you have access to his phone, OP?

There's nothing in any of what you've said that says you can establish that he's gay or bi. Plenty of men enjoy the type of sex play you've outlined here.

I'm not dismissing your gut feelings, they're still valid, but really I think the question of his sexuality isn't the relevant point here.
Chances are you'd feel betrayed and hurt if the truth of it is that he's straight but simply hasn't disclosed what he enjoys sexually.

The facts are that you're in a marriage which seems unhealthy, at best. If you believe, regardless of your suspicions of him, that your marriage is effectively over and you need to split then that needs to be your focus. Concentrate on getting yourself into a position where you can live without him.

If he is in the closet, especially as far in the closet as you imply, then forcing him to confront his sexuality isn't kind. Given how homophobic you say he is, I'll guess that he would have a lot of deep seated issues around his sexuality that will take time to deal with and forcing him to confront them in an accusatory way is cruel.

You talk about his controlling nature, do you want to risk backlash to you if you do force the issue?

Focus instead on creating the life that is right for you and if you do find it appropriate to speak about his purchases and your suspicions, remember the issues are a sense of betrayal from hiding things from you and offer support if he is battling with his sexuality (if able to).

Look after yourself op

Sounds like the marriage is dead anyway and you should seriously consider finishing it.

Is your husband gay?
I didn't think there was enough evidence apart from you then saying he's homophobic.

That to me is a big indicator - why would you give a shit what others peoples sexual orientation is otherwise? Unless you were hiding something and trying to double bluff.

[quote Jjlrb47922]@ComtesseDeSpair all of the things you have said are true, I won't deny it. I have spent my whole adult life with him and he is very controlling. I don't know how I would manage on my own, financially or otherwise. I've stayed in the marriage because my children are young. I can't provide for them like he can[/quote]
Is there a hurry to separate/divorce? You don't sleep together, you are not being abused (although you say that he is controlling?). Can you spend some time getting your act together financially - a job, retraining, savings etc. with a plan to separate in a number of years time?

Honestly if you think he's gay he's probably gay. You are his wife. What are you going to do about it?

He doesn't need to admit it for you to leave but you do need to make sure you have access to family money. If the house is yours outright that's great.

Those of you saying there's not much evidence - OP doesn't have any sex with him any more and he's bought poppers on more than one occasion. I'm sorry OP I think he's having sex with men when he can. I totally get how difficult this is for both of you. I think in your place I'd try and get some counselling and unravel my own feelings about it before tackling him. Good luck.

I think you need to go with your gut OP.
I suspect my ex-husband is gay, but he never properly admitted it.
He was never very interested in sex and when he was it was all very performative and there was something not quite right about it. Once I found some gay porn on his computer, but he explained it away and because I was naive I stuck my head in the sand about it. A year or so after that he got very close to a guy who was bisexual and then started becoming quite flirty with certain men (he was also quite a big burly man so not the stereotype of a gay man).
We eventually got married and after our relationship went downhill immediately after our wedding I started demanding answers from him. He ‘admitted’ he was bisexual and had had sexual experiences with men. He said his dad had always made him feel like he could never dare to come out and be himself. I honestly think he’s gay but could never bring himself to admit it.
He’s with another woman now and they have a child together.
Interestingly he was very controlling as well and I think that may have stemmed from his issues about not being able to express himself fully.
I don’t think you will ever really have your answer so no need to try and gather evidence, ultimately you just have to decide if you’re willing to put up with the relationship as it is or not. IMO It’s not worth being with a controlling man.

Don't confront him OP. I can't see how that will help except giving him more time to hide things/make plans.

It doesn't matter why, but it seems increasingly clear your marriage is over. I would be finding a way to speak to a lawyer to understand the likely outcome of a split. You said your dad bought your house, is it in your name? Your dad's name? How long have you been married?

If you're disabled and your children are young, you'd have a good case (I would assume) for a division of assets to go in your favour. What kind of benefits would you be eligible for? Do you know about your husband's pension? It might be possible to strike some kind of deal for you to have most of the equity in exchange for his pension, but you need to speak to knowledgeable people and know what you want to happen before you show your hand.

You're in a very vulnerable position. I think now is the time for fact-finding.

I've stayed with him until now because if we seperate, I don't want to be apart from my children whilst they are young . Why should I be punished when I haven't done anything wrong? We will be penniless, cannot stay in our home, I will have to go back to work so kids will then have to go into some kind of childcare uprooting them further.

But if we stay together, I'm deeply unhappy and I am hating him right now. I cannot be supportive if he is gay in any way I'm afraid because he has wasted 20 years of my life!! Living a lie!!! I can't forgive him for that

Well, read your last post back to yourself. Basically you are determined there's no answer other than punishment or misery. Im not being mean it's just that it is actually within your power to improve things for yourself. I know it's hard. My feeling is you probably need help to decide what to do/ realise you can do something, probably in the form of counselling or life coaching or something.

You start getting your ducks in a row financially and legally.

You can divorce him for his controlling behaviour and other unreasonable behaviours.

You can claim PIP, maintenance and universal credit. If you are main care of young DC it would be difficult for him to automatically have 50:50 residency without him using childcare which you could contest by having first refusal of care.

If you own a house outright you can apply for a mesher order etc.

Legal advice from a shot hot lawyer and support from Woman's Aid is your priority.

I suspect you have been his beard all along.

OP, hugs. You have every right to be angry at a deep deception at the heart of your marriage. You need to process that anger in some way. Someone has already mentioned counselling. Sadly, many, many women are in your shoes whereby they hate the married status quo yet to go alone means poverty. I feel greatly for you. So many women, so little option. It stinks but there is no easy answer is there? Stay and suck it up: live your life as independently as possible, possibly working where you can, putting some aside. Or leave and take that risk. Yes, it will impact your kids' wellbeing. But remaining in an unhappy and unfulfilling family life with deception at its heart is also no fun for any child. I don't know what the right answer is for you but there are some great breakup therapists around/online.

OP I wanted to add that I know of a couple whose husband is extremely controlling and enjoys deceiving his wife (gaslighting basically, and he admitted as much to my partner). The really sad thing is how their son had internalised his parent's toxic behaviour and is now on track to become his father. Staying is a choice with consequences just as much as leaving is.

Honestly, start planning for a future without him. Get yourself into a stronger position and then end it.
Sounds like he has probably been lying to himself as well as you if he is gay.
You have asked him and he hasn't admitted it, maybe he never will.
You still are unhappy so make a plan.
You can end the relationship for any reason, you don't need to prove anything.
Will it make you happy to find out he's not gay? I doubt it.
I would in your position consider training/qualifications for work you can do and that interests you and find out what universal credit etc you would be eligible for.
Work on how you will manage the rest of your life, there's no rush.

I have been in his room and searched every inch of it and can't find any of these items. I've also been through all of the bins outside. So they aren't here.

You seem to be over reacting to finding out he used a sex toy. Lots of men enjoy anal penetration and it doesn’t mean they are gay or bi.

What would you do if you found out he is gay? It doesn’t sound like he is having an affair or having sex with you anyway.

If you reframe everything and instead of thinking you will be punished for leaving due to financial constraints on your part; can you think now of being free from this dead marriage (gay or not). Spend time retraining, getting qualified up, find a job and start living your life not a half life. The marriage appears to have run its course. It doesn't matter if he doesn't come clean with being gay.....you need to move on and find out who you are. You are not trapped, he does not hold the cards to your life......you do....now act on it.

Plenty of couples drift apart, it doesn’t really matter what the cause is, because whether he is or isn’t gay, it sounds like your sex life ended a long time ago. If you’re both happy with that then stay together, if you’re not then separate.

I've been with men who enjoyed, um, things going where the sun doesn't shine. They weren't gay.

OP - I think you are unhappy, but I also think you aren’t seeing things straight. (No pun intended).
You don’t know if your H is gay. He maybe bi-curios or experimenting with toys on his own. But regardless - it doesn’t make your life together a lie. You must have had happier times before and you did have kids too.

Digging for proof and confronting him serves no purpose. You don’t need any proof to divorce.
However - you aren’t in a good setup for divorce and I’d try to think with a cooler head about what you want.
At a minimum - I’d try to prepare and started working at least part time before making a move.

I'm angry at the moment so probably aren't thinking clearly, that's why I asked for advice on here as didn't want to go in all guns blazing.
But I am quite surprised at the amount of responses from people telling me that it's fine for him to purchase these toys for himself and not tell me about it whilst we don't have sex ourselves. I find it completely disrespectful more than anything

Being homophobic actually often points to being in the closet so to speak and feeling ashamed about this.

I think esspecially the sex toy he bought us very telling. Esspecially because it’s nowhere to be found in your home (does he have his own car and did you check there too?)
I think your marriage is over and this is only the final straw. Time to move on.

Your Husband might not be gay,, but at the moment, may just be experimenting with various sexual things pertaining to himself,and not necessarily with other men, It seems that you both live separate lives regarding sex lives, so he may have had a kind of an awakening,to something different that makes him happy sexually.

MY son had a lodger at his house until a year ago,and the man was quite introverted, and didn't chat much to anyone, But apparently,one day when he was up in his room, he became ill, and a friend of my son heard a loud bang up stairs,and ran up to check things, and this quiet man had seemingly had a stroke, but his room was full of male sex toys and all sorts of weird things. He is in his forties, divorced, but never went out socially, only to go to work.

He is still in hospital now, after having a serious stroke, and can't walk, or do much at all.

@Jjlrb47922

I'm angry at the moment so probably aren't thinking clearly, that's why I asked for advice on here as didn't want to go in all guns blazing. But I am quite surprised at the amount of responses from people telling me that it's fine for him to purchase these toys for himself and not tell me about it whilst we don't have sex ourselves. I find it completely disrespectful more than anything

Do you still instigate sex? Do you want sex with him? Have either of you attempted to talk about the lack of it and trying to develop a sex life again?

I think it would be disrespectful for him to be buying toys to use alone if he were simultaneously also declining sex with you and the two of you had spoken about trying to improve things. But if you’ve just stopped having sex and neither of you has shown any willingness or interest in starting again, he may have just concluded that that part of your marriage is over and is sorting himself out.