I think my husband might be gay

[Jjlrb47922]

Looking for advice please. I think my husband might be gay or bisexual. We have been together for 20 years since we were teenagers. We are married with two children.
Don't want to go into too much detail but bit of background, he had a lot of gay friends when we first met and would go to gay clubs with them. I used to sometimes go too as there was a large group of us, some gay and some straight. Never saw anything suspicious from him. Once we'd been together a couple of years we lost touch with these friends as they moved away. We also stopped going out clubbing and moved in together. A couple of years later I came across a gay chat room window open on our pc. Somehow it got clicked off very quickly and I couldn't get back on it. Asked him about it, he said must have been an advert. Asked him was he gay /bisexual, said no. I thought this was strange.
Many years passed. Nothing else happened to raise any suspicions. We went on to get married and have 2 kids. We've never had a lot of sex and when we did it was very vanilla, but since having the kids we don't have sex at all and we sleep in separate rooms. (my idea as I snore). So there is no intimacy anymore.
It has still always been in the back of my mind and I would sometimes bring it up in a jokey way and he would deny. The lack of sex started to raise my suspicions further.

Fast forward to now, I have been away for a few days with the children. He stayed home to have his second covid vaccine and to decorate some rooms, which he has done. This morning I needed to go into his emails for something (which he allows me to to) and there was an order for a sex toy on there that is related to anal sex. With extra paid for next day delivery so it would arrive when I was away. Intrigued I looked further back over the past year and have found a couple of other things.
Nothing really indicates that he has cheated on me, he's a home body and is either at work or home with us, so I really don't know when he could actually meet up with someone. I don't know if these things are for self use only but it definitely related to gay men, not straight sex.
I have been in his room and searched every inch of it and can't find any of these items. I've also been through all of the bins outside. So they aren't here.

What do I do now? I want to confront him immediately when he gets in tonight but I don't know if that is a good idea, and the children will be here.
I am a sahm with no money of my own. He pays for everything. We have been drifting apart for years and I've been contemplating a split anyway. But I feel like I need to tread carefully and maybe gather further evidence but I don't know how. I don't have anyone to talk to about this in real life so really need some advice on how to tread with this.

Just a note, I know not all gay men are camp or "look gay" or anything like that, I don't want this to come a cross as offensive. But my husband is a rugged, big, masculine guy who is actually quite homophobic. No one would ever guess in a million years if he was

So sorry OP.

Well done for speaking to him, how are you feeling about it?

Is the house paid off? Maybe you should seek legal advice about what a divorce would look like for you financially.

You really should seek legal advice before you decide anything separation or divorce.

If you now have lack of trust that is a major issue whether its men, women or both.

I wish you and your children the best of luck.

Take some time to think about what you want to do OP, you did say that before now you were contemplating leaving regardless of this, so to a certain extent the your DH being Bi which seems most likely is a bit of a side issue.

If you did decide to break up it’s not to say you would have to leave rather than him, and part or full time childcare for your children wouldnt be the biggest or worst upheaval.

He clearly doesn't feel safe enough to open up if that is what your fears are.

He will be scrambling to weigh up loss of income and reputation against his desire to be honest with himself and you.
Sometimes the time is never right for someone to come out but op it is massively unfair to you not knowing.
I really don't know what you can do other than keep approaching him and trying to communicate in an understanding fashion. Unless you can get him to snap with a massive argument.
So difficult having to analyse him.

I do agree with the pp about him saying, "you would be better off without me" there is definitely another life he is leading, straight or gay he is covering up, I would not be able to leave this.

for you

@Jjlrb47922

My fad bought us our home so my husband is on a cushy number. This is why I know he will do everything to not admit this

If your dad bought the home ask your husband to leave. You will be able to claim benefits to cover you financially. He will also have to pay maintenance. You won't be in a position of having no finances coming in

Why would you leave op and not him if you do separate?

..... sorry you are in this situation 💐

@Jjlrb47922

I've stayed with him until now because if we seperate, I don't want to be apart from my children whilst they are young . Why should I be punished when I haven't done anything wrong? We will be penniless, cannot stay in our home, I will have to go back to work so kids will then have to go into some kind of childcare uprooting them further.

But if we stay together, I'm deeply unhappy and I am hating him right now. I cannot be supportive if he is gay in any way I'm afraid because he has wasted 20 years of my life!! Living a lie!!! I can't forgive him for that

It's not his home,your dad bought it. So ask him to leave. You won't be penniless, you can claim benefits, children can stay with you You can get maintenance off him too.

It seems to me you are looking for excuses to stay

The hints of suicide are emotional blackmail! Common tactic so you don't end the relationship.

Just wondering if your dad is named on the deed as he bought the house. Might help.
I get you want ultimate confirmation that he is gay, but, does it really matter? Sounds like you've not had sex or even slept in the same room for years, that in itself is why this should end. He could be shagging male, female, both or none, it makes no odds as your setup is wrong regardless.
Try a different tack, you lead separate lives anyway, so should end it on that basis alone. He can lie about his inclinations, but you can still claim, reasonably, that you should split because you are not together. What of your needs and love life? Don't you want one? I'm guessing you are still young, have a life to live and a libido somewhere although you've burried it.

Look the bottom line is you are not happy with your husband. Sounds like he might be gay but it makes no difference to you if you separate. As you are disabled but presumably can care for your children you can get a solicitor to ask if you can remain in house and husband move out but continue to pay mortgage. When youngest child 18 sell house and share equity.

You would be entitled to UC, disability benefit (pip), council tax reduction, child maintenance and pension sharing order. You could manage.

Ok poppers are a relaxant so to use his toys he will more then likely need them, I don't believe your dh is gay I think you want him to be to make the split easier by blaming him male toys or female toys can be used by anybody i know a few straight men who use said toys, it does not make them gay

I understand your curiosity, but what difference would his sexuality really make to your next moves?

You have no sexual relationship, you say you hate him, and he's been taking intimate photos, presumably to send to someone else. Even if that other person happened to be a woman, would you want to stay with him?

I'm feeling quite torn about how to reply to this thread.

On one hand, it's really not OK that your DH has taken explicit photos and uploaded them to chat rooms (allegedly). For me, that would potentially spell the end of a relationship anyway. You have every right to be fuming with him over this.

But on the other hand you sound very uptight and more than a little bit controlling. It's not disrespectful to you that he would buy sex toys to enjoy by himself. You have no right to decide how he chooses to pleasure himself when he's on his own. Providing he's not involving anyone else, how he masturbates or achieves sexual pleasure while alone really is no one else's business. Even before you spoke to him tonight, you've been exuding disapproval - no wonder he felt he couldn't talk to you about it. Maybe he's got gay tendencies, maybe he just enjoys anal play. Plenty of men enjoy it - and don't forget the male G-spot is located inside their bum. Poppers could have been used with the sex toys to make them slide it more easily. No one says that you have to enjoy those kinds of activities with him, but maybe he felt ashamed about admitting it to you especially as you had "light-heartedly" tried to poke him into admitting being gay before.

Aside from all of that, you not only have no sex, but you have zero intimacy either as you sleep in separate rooms. Some couples successfully sleep separately but will admit that they have to make deliberate space for intimacy. If you've got no sexual chemistry between you any more, and no intimacy either, no wonder he felt awkward about discussing sex toys with you.... From what you've said, it sounds as if your relationship was effectively dead in the water a long time ago.

If you don't want to split up, could you come to an agreement where you live in the same house for the next X years? You're not having sex or sleeping in the same bed, so if you both agreed not to have other partners, would it actually be any different? You don't sound like you love him very much, or respect him, but could you redefine your relationship to be platonic, loving friends that co-habit? If not, I think your only practical solution will be to split - and take the very helpful advice re Universal Credit etc that others have given.

^^Just to clarify. The bit where I said allegedly about uploading photos to chat rooms - I just meant that he could have been sending them to someone directly and having an actual affair, which would be even worse.

I just realised that it might sound like I was doubting what you said, which I wasn't. I just meant that he might only be telling you a half-truth, with further revelations to come.

As a gay male you would be surprised I no of a few men that are proper muscle manly homophonic yet they have all been with men its usally the really homophonic ones that will go with a guy in my experience

The poppers and anal douch suggest something else is going on with someone. I very much doubt anyone takes poppers on their own...

But regardless, don't let him shift the overton window on what is acceptable in a marriage. He's been sending dick pics to other people. That is bad enough, and a perfectly justifiable reason to end the relationship, nevermind whatever else he's been up to. The fact you don't have "proof" of the physical interactions with other people doesn't matter. What he's admitted to is bad enough.

OP if you answer questions about the house we can advise you properly.

It does sound like the marriage is over regardless of anything else. If I were you I would let that conversation lie and focus on getting yourself in order for separation. Pull all your financial info - house value (check online), pensions, his income. Make an appointment with a solicitor, find out what you will have to live on. Start looking for a job, while making a plan to release enough cash to support yourselves for 6 months. Is the house in both your names BTW? It’s good anyway that you don’t have a mortgage

It doesn’t sound like your kids are preschool? Spending time with childminders is a better option than you being increasingly miserable, so sort childcare too.

Once you are ready to press go tell him, but not before.

Thanks for your your comments. Just woken up.
We have a declaration of trust on the house that my dad will pay my husband 20% of the current market value to leave in a split.

So yes I would get to stay in the house. What I meant was its a large home and the bills are very high so I couldn't afford to run the home. I've filled in the entitled to calculator and it doesn't even cover half. So I just meant we would have to downsize, which is absolutely fine other than disrupting the children.

He seemed to think that because he's sent the pictures 3 years ago it doesn't matter now as he hasn't done anything recently?

Oh well - it was 3 years ago so that makes everything alright then??!! Great logic. It’s a ghastly relationship you’re modelling for your kids, on that basis alone I’d see a lawyer and set the divorce ball rolling. You don’t like your h, you live separate lives, time to move on.

The conversation will continue today. I have laid it out straight that there is no going forward and nothing will change so that makes the relationship dead in the water, we are just "friends" who live together. I've told him thay it's not a good example for the children and would be like his daughter to live this life when she grows up?
I can't understand why he won't leave? He keeps just talking as if there is no splitting up. Forcing me to say and do it all. I know he doesn't want to be away from his children, neither do I, that's why I haven't separated before. But I think there comes a time when enough is enough.
Ive also taken responsibility for my own actions in it all. It is just as much down to me that we don't have a sex life so he probably felt pushed away etc.

IP it sounds to me like you want to know if he's gay or not for your own sanity. Tbh I'd be the same. And I do think after 20 years and 2 kids it's the least you deserve.

If he's been living lie and using you as a cover up then that's not ok. Yes, I know some posters will give him sympathy and say he might've been struggling etc etc but that's not fair on you & not your fault.

If it's a contributory factor to the break up of your marriage then why should you not at least have that piece of info. Might make some things easier to understand (ie lack of intimacy on his part) and you'll know it wasn't personal.

Even if it was 3 years ago he was texting/posting dick pics on a chat room (or potentially directly to someone) from a burner phone then that would be enough for me to leave. But I'd use that as the reason why he has to leave and just say it's not acceptable to you regardless of when it happened.

I'm not saying you need a solid reason to give others but if you want one, that could be it. With my ExH there was lack of intimacy etc and im. It saying that's not enough reason to leave a marriage but personally it felt a bit selfish of me and like I was breaking up a family for my own sexual needs. Whereas when I found him cheating it gave me an "easy out". I'm not for one minute saying anyone needs an excuse to leave but personally I felt I did. Mainly to justify the upheaval for my DC

It sounds like he's now in denial and trying to control the situation. Probably scared of what could come out when his world blows apart.