I think my husband might be gay

[Jjlrb47922]

Looking for advice please. I think my husband might be gay or bisexual. We have been together for 20 years since we were teenagers. We are married with two children.
Don't want to go into too much detail but bit of background, he had a lot of gay friends when we first met and would go to gay clubs with them. I used to sometimes go too as there was a large group of us, some gay and some straight. Never saw anything suspicious from him. Once we'd been together a couple of years we lost touch with these friends as they moved away. We also stopped going out clubbing and moved in together. A couple of years later I came across a gay chat room window open on our pc. Somehow it got clicked off very quickly and I couldn't get back on it. Asked him about it, he said must have been an advert. Asked him was he gay /bisexual, said no. I thought this was strange.
Many years passed. Nothing else happened to raise any suspicions. We went on to get married and have 2 kids. We've never had a lot of sex and when we did it was very vanilla, but since having the kids we don't have sex at all and we sleep in separate rooms. (my idea as I snore). So there is no intimacy anymore.
It has still always been in the back of my mind and I would sometimes bring it up in a jokey way and he would deny. The lack of sex started to raise my suspicions further.

Fast forward to now, I have been away for a few days with the children. He stayed home to have his second covid vaccine and to decorate some rooms, which he has done. This morning I needed to go into his emails for something (which he allows me to to) and there was an order for a sex toy on there that is related to anal sex. With extra paid for next day delivery so it would arrive when I was away. Intrigued I looked further back over the past year and have found a couple of other things.
Nothing really indicates that he has cheated on me, he's a home body and is either at work or home with us, so I really don't know when he could actually meet up with someone. I don't know if these things are for self use only but it definitely related to gay men, not straight sex.
I have been in his room and searched every inch of it and can't find any of these items. I've also been through all of the bins outside. So they aren't here.

What do I do now? I want to confront him immediately when he gets in tonight but I don't know if that is a good idea, and the children will be here.
I am a sahm with no money of my own. He pays for everything. We have been drifting apart for years and I've been contemplating a split anyway. But I feel like I need to tread carefully and maybe gather further evidence but I don't know how. I don't have anyone to talk to about this in real life so really need some advice on how to tread with this.

Just a note, I know not all gay men are camp or "look gay" or anything like that, I don't want this to come a cross as offensive. But my husband is a rugged, big, masculine guy who is actually quite homophobic. No one would ever guess in a million years if he was

@Freebleweeble

Just wondering OP, it feels like the marriage is not a good place for you, and I agree with a lot of posters here that the evidence might not point to him being gay, but for you, if he was, would that be the reason to leave that you are waiting for? It would make things a lot clearer perhaps, and put the fault firmly on his side? What is keeping you from separating without this issue?

Yes this would be the reason I need and would give me the push I suppose.

The item was an anal douche. It wasn't a toy. I am just so embarrassed by it all

@SkodaKodiaq - Are you really saying that any man who enjoys anal play in the bedroom is gay?
Quite a sweeping statement - everyone has their owns desires and kinks, anal play can be part of a hetrosexual relationhsip as much as a homosexual one.

The fact it was a douche rather than a toy makes a big difference imo. Why would you use a douche unless you were expecting someone else to insert something?

Sorry you're going through this op. If you want the truth I think your best aim would be to have a gentle conversation about what you've found and the state of your relationship. You're understandably angry but if you show this and throw accusations then you're much less likely to get to the truth.

As pp have said though, perhaps the truth doesn't make a difference to the fact it may be time to split?

I am quite surprised at the amount of responses from people telling me that it's fine for him to purchase these toys for himself and not tell me about it whilst we don't have sex ourselves

Of course you're not ok with this, @Jjlrb47922, I don't think many people would be and if you were writing for advice on sorting out your sex life with him then I think the responses you've had, including mine, would be quite different.

The point though is whether it ultimately makes any difference to whether you want to continue your marriage at all. And that isn't to minimise your feelings at all, but to encourage you to focus your energies where they can be of the most use to you.

From what you've described about your marriage, focusing on his purchases and whether he is gay or not isn't something you're going to able to affect. Your feelings of betrayal etc are completely natural and if I were your friend IRL, I would say that you'll have your opportunity to address this with him and to tell him how it makes you feel, ask questions etc. And you ought to do so but at the right time. Since practically speaking your biggest issue is the liklihood of divorce, my advice is to focus on the end point before you open a conversation of which you can't control the outcome.

Your most recent posts don't bode well about his fidelity/sexuality and I really feel for you, you're dealing with an awful lot right now. But again, focus on practicalities and legalities first. Once you've started building a plan for these, you'll feel less lost which will help when you deal with your emotions.

Is the house in your name? Given that your df bought it for you, I would hope this means you have a greater stake in it than he does. Either way he might be advised to buy you out - speak to a solicitor and find out what you're facing, then you look at how you deal with it.

In the meantime, we're here when you just need to offload

I am quite surprised at the amount of responses from people telling me that it's fine for him to purchase these toys for himself and not tell me about it whilst we don't have sex ourselves

I'm surprised the opposite way. It wouldn't occur to me that my spouse had any say in how I got myself off on my own time. It's my body. Is it the last part of that that bothers you? I.e. you would have liked to be having sex, but he withdrew from your shared sex life?

Tbh, it does feel like men are damned either way sexually sometimes; if their female partner doesn't want sex for long periods of time, they're crudely told to "have a wank" and sort themselves out, but if they have anything other than a completely vanilla wank with no lube or toys, they're in the wrong again.

You need to separate out the guy stuff.

The guy is a control wanker and you should leave him anyway.

You said your dad gave you the house ? So why can't you stay there and he move out ?

Sorry OP, this all sounds very difficult.

Ultimately, you may never definitively know whether he’s gay/bi as only he can tell you for sure and he’s denied it this far. I think you may need to put that issue to one side and just consider whether you actually want to be in this marriage, I get that it would be easier to have a reason to end it but the reason can just be that you’re not happy.

Have you looked in the loft? People hide shit like this in the loft in films!!

I know you keep saying that you won’t be able to stay in the house but have you looked at what benefits you would be entitled to? Are you claiming ESA as you can’t work through disability. Also Universal Credit will give you enough to live on, I presume as your dad bought the house you don’t have to pay rent? Also with zero earned income you would likely qualify for council tax reduction in addition to the 25% single person’s discount.
Don’t be so quick to assume that you would have to move.

Did your dad buy the house for you before you were married or after?

This all sounds really tough, but from what you’ve said about the state of the relationship you have grounds to seperate without this additional aspect.

You deserve happiness and your children will be happier if they grow up in a home where the adults are able to communicate. Can you imagine building a new life on your own?

Can you focus on the process of separation and get the ball rolling there rather than digging around in his sex life? None of that is going to bring you any joy unless you were wanting to rebuild intimacy.

Imagine the roles were revered here.
Husband snoops through wife’s emails and disgusted to find some anal play toys.
Would there be the same calls to leave?

@SkodaKodiaq

How on earth can a man who is buying penis-shaped toys to insert into his anus (along with poppers which the sole function is to relax anal muscles for anal sex) NOT mean he is gay/bi?!?!

I don't mean to make light of OP's heartbreaking situation () but what the heck are people trying to say here? That men can still be straight whilst inserting silicone penises into their anus????? Genuinely???

Im sorry but my vote is that unfortunately, it seems to me that he is indeed, gay or bi.

Surely simulating gay sex using silicone & poppers is re-enacting gay sex?

Im sorry if I sound vulgar but I'm genuinely staggered that some think this is normal for straight men! To me, it's no different than a woman buying a silicone vulva to....lick?

Anyway, if it turns out he is gay/bi then of course it needs to end. Sadly. He needs to find what makes him happy - as do you!

Because he likes anal stimulation. It’s very common.

@fromdownwest

Imagine the roles were revered here. Husband snoops through wife’s emails and disgusted to find some anal play toys. Would there be the same calls to leave?

I have no idea why we always have to 'reverse the roles' on Mumsnet. You would never get exactly the same situation. We are socialised into our genders and respond to situations differently. You rarely get dependent stay at home fathers with no access to money, for example. It's all so 'what about the menz' and boring.

I agree with everyone saying that whether he is gay or not, is NOT the issue. Your happiness is.

If he is gay, it's not necessarily a massive betrayal. He may not have realised. He may have been unable to admit it to himself. He may have certain inclinations but be straight or bi. I understand why you want to know but does that have any real impact on your life going forward? Because forward is the only way to go.

It seems like if he could prove he wasn't gay (which he can't actually), that would be better. But why, if he is controlling and you are unhappy? Because the outcome remains the same - a marriage you are feeling trapped in.

You aren't trapped. There are many single mothers managing to live away from a partner. It's just a case of working out how that can be achieved for you.

I also don't agree that buying sex toys etc is a betrayal. What someone does alone with their own body is up to them and doesn't have to be shared with their partner. The betrayal would be if he was having sex with someone else, which of course, he may be.

Confront him if you must - perhaps with the 'evidence' you have he may be more willing to tell you something. But do you want a big row? You could just decide to tell him the marriage is over and take the control for yourself.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I've spoken to him tonight for 2 hours. He's gone to bed now. He's cried. He was defensive at first. Came up with excuses which I know he would. Said the item is for his bad stomach. I don't believe this.

He has admitted to putting them in the loft. He has blamed me for our lack of sex, and the pictures he sent were on a chat room. Not OK but fair enough. We've had a long chat. I've not said I want to separate 100% but he's very withdrawn and quiet now saying we would be better off without him. Now I get to worry about that too

He is still vehemently denying anything to do with men. He says it was women. Don't know what to believe but equally as bad. He has betrayed my trust

OP, speaking practically here (as it seems like separation is what you want but feel you can’t do) - presumably of your dad bought you the house, it was in your name? Your DH isn’t on the deeds? It is him that should leave, not you. His behaviour is the problem, not yours. And your children shouldn’t have to leave their home either

OP, I have a friend like your husband and he's secretly (to his wife) bi. Your situation sounds similar. I'm sorry you're going through this

@fromdownwest You are massively missing the larger picture here. You can't always reverse male and females. It's really useful and often gives a different perspective on double standards, but sometimes it's like comparing apples to oranges.

Generally, straight men don't have lots of gay friends or go to gay clubs. They just don't. May if they worked in a very gay friendly industry, like theatre, but they generally don't. One of the main things I've noticed about gay men (having worked with many) is that the percentage of gay & lesbian people in their lives that they socialise with is much higher than the average straight person.

If you add that to the anal douche, the chat box, I would say there's a good possibility this man is bisexual or gay and probably has gone on to explore that.

I doubt that what he's done, whatever that is, has been with women. If it has, he might be so repressed that he might want to enact certain things, homosexual fantasies with a woman doing them to him that he would never ask his wife to do.

OP, when people are caught on something they will often say things like 'you'd be better of without me' or 'I'm a terrible person' or 'I'm no good for you' in order that you'll sympathise with them. They want you to fawn on them, to stroke their head and tell the that everything's ok. They simply don't want to take responsibility for what they've done and instead want to play the part of the bird with the injured wing. I think you're the one who needs fawning and sympathy from him, not the other way around.

Oh, and the poppers :/

I gave him so many opportunities to admit it tonight. I was very nice about it. But still just absolutely not. Tells me he's depressed in our relationship etc so looked elsewhere but has never cheated and loves me. Never once did he mention separating. I think this is because he loves the kids so much and that we have a good life financially because we don't have a mortgage. All this would change. I've told him it's not OK to stay together because of they and its unfair on each other

OP are you not reading the replies you've had here?

What a horrible situation OP. I always say trust your gut instinct.

I was with someone when I was 17 and I always suspected he was gay. It was almost like he was trying to prove he was straight too much. I never asked him but I did leave him. I couldn't get it out my head and he wasn't very nice to me anyway. Both of his brothers were gay and it was almost like too me he felt he couldn't be gay too. I'm not sure if he actually came out as gay or if he is gay but wherever he is in life now, I hope he has found some peace and not so angry at himself.

The ones that are the most homophobic I find are always the ones that are usually in the closet. Not the case all the time, obviously.

Whilst it's not unheard of for men to enjoy anal and be straight (using a sex toy) I couldn't personally be with someone who enjoyed that.

I hope you find some answers and you go easy on yourself. He will blame you but you aren't the person to blame here. Intimacy works both ways.