I think my husband might be gay

[Jjlrb47922]

Looking for advice please. I think my husband might be gay or bisexual. We have been together for 20 years since we were teenagers. We are married with two children.
Don't want to go into too much detail but bit of background, he had a lot of gay friends when we first met and would go to gay clubs with them. I used to sometimes go too as there was a large group of us, some gay and some straight. Never saw anything suspicious from him. Once we'd been together a couple of years we lost touch with these friends as they moved away. We also stopped going out clubbing and moved in together. A couple of years later I came across a gay chat room window open on our pc. Somehow it got clicked off very quickly and I couldn't get back on it. Asked him about it, he said must have been an advert. Asked him was he gay /bisexual, said no. I thought this was strange.
Many years passed. Nothing else happened to raise any suspicions. We went on to get married and have 2 kids. We've never had a lot of sex and when we did it was very vanilla, but since having the kids we don't have sex at all and we sleep in separate rooms. (my idea as I snore). So there is no intimacy anymore.
It has still always been in the back of my mind and I would sometimes bring it up in a jokey way and he would deny. The lack of sex started to raise my suspicions further.

Fast forward to now, I have been away for a few days with the children. He stayed home to have his second covid vaccine and to decorate some rooms, which he has done. This morning I needed to go into his emails for something (which he allows me to to) and there was an order for a sex toy on there that is related to anal sex. With extra paid for next day delivery so it would arrive when I was away. Intrigued I looked further back over the past year and have found a couple of other things.
Nothing really indicates that he has cheated on me, he's a home body and is either at work or home with us, so I really don't know when he could actually meet up with someone. I don't know if these things are for self use only but it definitely related to gay men, not straight sex.
I have been in his room and searched every inch of it and can't find any of these items. I've also been through all of the bins outside. So they aren't here.

What do I do now? I want to confront him immediately when he gets in tonight but I don't know if that is a good idea, and the children will be here.
I am a sahm with no money of my own. He pays for everything. We have been drifting apart for years and I've been contemplating a split anyway. But I feel like I need to tread carefully and maybe gather further evidence but I don't know how. I don't have anyone to talk to about this in real life so really need some advice on how to tread with this.

Just a note, I know not all gay men are camp or "look gay" or anything like that, I don't want this to come a cross as offensive. But my husband is a rugged, big, masculine guy who is actually quite homophobic. No one would ever guess in a million years if he was

He doesn't want to leave because he's on a cushty number - paid for house and housekeeper on tap.
Plus it might get out why you are leaving him, which he is obviously going to deny deny deny

Have you ever heard of anal douches being used for health reasons? I haven’t.

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

I can't believe some of the posters on here are downplaying the fact he may be gay. Of course it's relevant and if he is then he has wasted 20 years of the OPs life in deception and knowing that it won't be fulfilling her needs -potentially for the rest of her life. Reminds me of when Phillip Schofield came out and he was so stunning and fucking brave when behind him stood a stoical heartbroken woman and who cares about the woman?

You are actually in a good position and you need to LTB. My exH (never DH) was gay (now identifies as a woman!), you couldn't make some of his warped shit up.
Being gay is not a problem. My daughter is gay. My sister. It's ok. What isn't is dishonesty and emotional abuse.
Leave him.

His being gay is a bit of a red herring in terms of the practicalities of leaving though. OP is unhappy in the marriage and it's unfixable. She doesn't need an excuse these days and his unreasonable behaviour won't get her any more money.

Once she's out of the immediate situation - yes, absolutely it's a betrayal and will need untangling and sitting through emotionally, but trying to do that at the same time as sorting yourself out practically is a recipe for inaction really.

@ThePlantsitter you are right absolutely - in terms of the logistics. What gets my goat, so to speak, is the tone of some of the posts, which read as if she is picking up on unnecessary signals. It's almost gaslighting, which is what he is doing to her on a daily basis. Makes my blood run cold.

Diff username, MN couldn't get me logged in again on my phone so had to set up new account.

@Alonelonelyloner oh yes. My feeling is that if you're married to someone and you think they're gay they probably are. The pursuit of truth will send you mad if someone is just lying (possibly to themselves too) which is why I'm not sure it matters on a practical level. But yes, you're right that the gaslighting posters are v unhelpful and compounding that feeling of madness that living with a liar of any kind will give you anyway.

I think it could work out ok...
It seems to be over..
He doesn't need to admit he is gay, but I'd definitely say, I think you're gay AND we dont have sex anymore...
Then arrange to divorce.
The law will see that the children are cared for financially and you say he earns well...
You will face the practicalities of a split tho, finding and moving to a new house..
But...once in it will be so exciting!!
All yours, a whole new life, you'll be able to get a job, your children will grow up, he will have contact with them and you can welcome in a new stage of life...

So he's not come home from work and isn't answering is personal or his work phone I feel like I am the one being punished here.

Why do you care ?

He is so abusive and I really wish you could see it. It's awful.
My heart breaks for you.

Op he wants to scare you , he's throwing a little mental cruelty your way , he wants to hurt you.
Go ahead and have your evening meal , and if you cook for him just leave it on the side.
Don't worry if he's out for hours / doesn't come home tonight. His choice , not your problem !

@66babe I care because I'm here cooking cleaning and looking after the children whilst he gets to check out and withdraw from everything! I'm angry!

He's just come in, but hasn't spoken to me yet!

@Ksbegckah

So he's not come home from work and isn't answering is personal or his work phone I feel like I am the one being punished here.

If that's not an admission of guilt I don't know what is!

I'd text him once and say you'd hoped to speak tonight as you have a solicitors appointment tomorrow. If he doesn't want to chat before it then it's his choice.

Then stop calling & texting him and pretend like you no longer care of you see him again or not

I'm sorry op.

He clearly doesn't want to address anything with you, he is cutting all communication down.

He's trying to control you to shut up.
This sugests this man has sectets.

Of course you want to know the truth, 20 years together, you need closure that makes sense after all those years.
I honestly don't understand how some posters say, leave, end it without answers, I really don't.

Maybe if he is gay, he will be frightened of your bargaining power in the divorce, thinking you may blackmail him into submission, for financial gain.
He has a lot to loose.

secrets

@Ksbegckah hope your ok op

Did he leave, @Ksbegckah ?

''My husband is a rugged, big, masculine guy who is actually quite homophobic. No one would ever guess in a million years if he was Gay''

Oh OP!
There are gazillions of ''Straight looking'' men who are Gay or bisexual.

'Straight' men go cruising a fair bit {So Gay friends say}, and yes, many are married with kids.

Chances are he is Gay. He may be using his sex toys alone.
the separate room/no sex sounds classic.
Some women don't care if their husband leads a 'Double' life, especially if they never have sex.

Dinosaur thread!
Hope OP is OK.

Gay or not gay. You've separated off from the intimacy of the marriage you say at your request so you can't then berate him for buying sex toys. He's not going to discuss it with you if that's a part of the marriage you no longer want and I think he's within his rights to have that secrecy tbh.

It doesn't matter if hes gay or not (though it sound like he probably is).
Then only question is - are you happy with the current set up, and if not, can it be changed so you are happy?
The evidence and replies would indicate no. So I'd echo other posters, try to remain amicable/friendly for the kids but work on separating.

A lot of latent or in denial gay people are homophobic.
That is very common.

OLD THREAD ALERT

Yes, he sounds gay to me.

When I had similar suspicions about my exH I also wondered where and when he could be meeting men for sex - I was gobsmacked to learn about the different scenes/ the various places within 20 miles of my home that were notorious hookup spots (the men's loos in a certain home improvement superstore, the third basement level men's loos in a certain multi purpose hi rise building with a train station, shops, theatre,etc, and more venues in that vein). There was also an active married-men-seeking-no-strings-attached-gay-sex scene.

Don't assume because you've never seen it and can't imagine it it doesn't happen.

I would do a good deal more spying if I were you. Can you get someone to go through the computer you saw?

You should have a STD test.

You got together many years ago when it was not so acceptable to come out so I don't think you should beat him up because he didn't admit it.
It makes no difference now as you are where you are.
I would be looking at finances for a separation and working out your future alone, not worrying about him or what he has done. Can you take in a lodger to help with running the home.