DH wanting to split, he wants me to leave the house

[SisterNight]

DH wants us to split. We are joint tenants in a council property. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. I had to leave my part time job 3 years ago on medical grounds due to my health. We have 3 dc. I have no family in the city we live in so would probably have to move back to my parents who live about an hour away. He works from home so is able to do all the school runs etc.

I have no savings or any income. I don't want to leave my children. I need some advice. Please help!

He wants you to go because if he leaves he will not get council housing.
As a single man he would be at the bottom of the list & could have a waiting time of many years (varies but I know someone locally who was told they could be waiting 17 years as a single working man)

If you have an older style tenancy, you may have the right to stay basically forever unless you don't pay the rent or break other tenancy terms.
I know many people in private who have been made to move because the landlord decides to live there/wants a friend to rent it out instead/random other reason.

The rent is normally far more affordable than private renting will be.
It will give you a chance to find a job & get back on your feet with a lower bill than you would otherwise have & a more secure tenancy.

If you move they no longer offer those types of tenancies so you could be losing more security than you realise.

If you go, the council are likely to say you made yourself voluntarily homeless which means you would not be eligible for council housing either & would have to find somewhere to rent privately.
You'd also have to find references & a deposit, pay fees to an agency etc...
It will cost a fortune.
DO NOT MOVE OUT.

If he moves out you should be eligible or Universal credit or Housing benefit.

Hi op. Call your housing officer and fill them in so your DP can’t make any attempt to remove you from the tenancy or lie to them. Your housing officer should be able to sign post you to support as well as help within the council as to what benefits you can apply for. Good luck.

@Zoinksalot

From your post its difficult to see how you contribute to the running of the family everyday it seems it would be easier for you as a single person to leave if he does school runs etc and can work whilst they're at school... you need professional advice and to see what the easiest way is

Ignore this! It's terrible legal advice. Reported to Mumsnet

Tell him that if he wants to split, he leaves. This is yours and the kids home

DO NOT leave yourself

I feel like I'm being gaslit now as he's saying I'm chucking him out and my solution for him being unhappy and lonely is to split up.

I'm bloody confused and I feel sick. He's been horrible to me and now he's trying to twist it that I want him out. I've already said I've been happy.

I need to read over all our messages again to work out exactly what he's going on about.

I can't be solely responsible for his happiness. I'm not here for his entertainment.

If your partner makes you feel anxious or threatened, you should get help
Don’t try to agree what to do about your home without speaking to someone first.

You can call Refuge or Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 at any time.

@SisterNight

I feel like I'm being gaslit now as he's saying I'm chucking him out and my solution for him being unhappy and lonely is to split up.

I'm bloody confused and I feel sick. He's been horrible to me and now he's trying to twist it that I want him out. I've already said I've been happy.

I need to read over all our messages again to work out exactly what he's going on about.

I can't be solely responsible for his happiness. I'm not here for his entertainment.

SisterNight... he's being unreasonable. Ask him to leave.

"Kids know when a marriage is shit. That’s long term stressful for them. It’s choosing between 2 evils really but staying with him is definitely the worst of the 2 and remember this is not your fault. He put you in this position."

I 100% agree with this. Do not stay together for the kids - that will cause so much damage to them long term, far more than separating.

You are worth so much more. Do not let him convince you otherwise.

Op, do you feel safe?

Just remember he is the one that raised the desire to split up.

All you are confirming is that if he wants to split up then he can go, but you and the children will be staying in the house.

The choice is in his hands whether to leave or stay.

Note that if his behaviour continues to degrade then you may wish to change your view and be one the one leading on splitting up. However the principle that you and the children will be staying in the house is the same outcome in that scenario.

In the situation of a couple with children splitting up, where one is disabled and the primary care giver for the children, the council will expect that person to stay in the property and for the single person to leave for alternative accommodation.

@Zoinksalot

What are you chatting about? Where does it say he does the school runs? The post says he works from home so he is able to, not that he does

She is a sahm partly due to a medical condition, perhaps she can’t work because of that? Why should she leave her house and her kids when it’s him who wants to split

I'm wondering if Zoinksalot is op's worse half?

@SisterNight

I feel like I'm being gaslit now as he's saying I'm chucking him out and my solution for him being unhappy and lonely is to split up.

I'm bloody confused and I feel sick. He's been horrible to me and now he's trying to twist it that I want him out. I've already said I've been happy.

I need to read over all our messages again to work out exactly what he's going on about.

I can't be solely responsible for his happiness. I'm not here for his entertainment.

Tell him to interpret it however he pleases, but in the meantime to leave.

He started this conversation and when it didn’t go to plan he’s backtracking and acting the victim.

Don’t let him do this to you.

Agree do not stay for the kids. Can you imagine explaining to your kids once they are adults that you stayed in a horrible relationship and submitted to gaslighting and horrible behaviour for them.

The guilt they would feel

Worst still if they experienced the relationship as stressful and unhappy and therefore you keep them in that horrible situation because you thought that was what was best for them

Then there would be lots of resentment

Personally my parents divorce and moving apart was a huge relief, we were finally allowed to be happy at home

He sounds horrendous.
And abusive.
Honestly, he is saying degrading things to you - ,'He's trying to say I'm rubbish with money and me and the kids will end up homeless if I stay in the house now'
This is abuse.

Please try to stop talking to him about your plans. Try and get help eg through women's aid.
You will need a big mindset shift and to learn to value yourself more.
Don't take your cues from him about your self-worth.

Phone up and start a claim for pip now, if you meet the criteria.
This doesn't depend on income - if you have care or mobility needs you are likely to get it.

You could have a look for a group on fb called something like 'a1 benefit support UK only' with a lot of letters in the middle like esa/pip/dla/uc.

It's very helpful and they have a website with info on how to claim various benefits.
Staying in a council property where housing component of UC will pay for rent will really help you.
Don't even consider leaving your children - you are their main carer and they need you.
This is all totally resolvable.
Apart from him being a shitbag. But at least you know, now.

It’s always the same shit with these men.
They try to scare you by saying you’ll be nothing without them but actually it’s the opposite. You’ll be much better off without him and the fact that he’s using fear to keep you from kicking him out means that is the best he has to offer. He knows he is a fucking twat that’s why he’s trying to tell you the alternative is so bad. Which is blatant lie.
As another poster worded it perfectly you need to be selfish beyond anything you’ve known before. Be your own ally because he has turned himself into an enemy the minute he decided to be abusive to you. Don’t listen to what he says and if you do keep in mind that he only does what is best for him and doesn’t give a shit if you get hurt in the proces. He deserves the exact amount of consideration from you that he has given you so far which is absolutely ZERO.

I'd bet he has met someone else and wants to move her in. Do not, under any circumstances, move out. He wants to split, he can go.

Don't leave your children or home OP. Your partner is manipulating you to get what he wants. Ignore him! Come on here for support and call for expert advice whenever you can.

@GoldenBlue

Agree do not stay for the kids. Can you imagine explaining to your kids once they are adults that you stayed in a horrible relationship and submitted to gaslighting and horrible behaviour for them.

The guilt they would feel

Worst still if they experienced the relationship as stressful and unhappy and therefore you keep them in that horrible situation because you thought that was what was best for them

Then there would be lots of resentment

Personally my parents divorce and moving apart was a huge relief, we were finally allowed to be happy at home

You’re not saying she should move out and leave her children with him as he has asked her to, surely?

Not having passwords etc to your own bank account is financial abuse, I’m sure. Another thing to explain to housing people and courts.
Lonely and unhappy? Shit offffffff...

He’s trying to make you doubt yourself so you leave and he has a cushy situation of not having to pay maintenance and having a council house in which to live (because he knows he wouldn’t get one otherwise and he’ll be paying £££ more for a private rental).

No matter what he says, don’t listen to it. If you need to, come back on the thread with what he says so knowledgable posters can tell you whether what he is saying is bs or not. It most likely will always be bs, too.

Don’t let him make you leave or doubt yourself.

I’d also personally get an entirely new account set up and have all money paid into it, one he doesn’t know about at all. Obviously get the contact info of your current one back and ensure it’s not overdrawn, and secure it. But I’d honestly get a new account set up tomorrow and then ring child benefit and get that money switched over immediately. All your benefits to follow. I’d also gather up proof of his pay so you have it for child maintenance proof purposes and make copies and save them somewhere safe, and gather up the kids passports etc and do the same. Do you have any friends who could hold onto them for you?

Do this secretly. Don’t ask him for them or make it obvious. His aim at the minute is, to put it bluntly, to screw you over. Don’t give him ammo to do it.

Inform dwp you are now single and are separated. Because it possibly might be a new claim universal credit, does your child get dla/pip that adds to the child premium and you are entitled to be his carer therefore you will get the carer premium as well. He can move out. You’ll be fine financially as you can get child maintenance from him ! But I think he knows this. Do not move out make sure child benefit in your name send him home to his parents or family. Xx

You can talk to Women's Aid online.
I would money on him wanting you to leave so he can move someone else in. Stay put with your children.
He IS gaslighting you. Don't let him.
I can assure you that you will be able to claim UC and housing benefit and the council would much rather you stayed in your home.