DH wanting to split, he wants me to leave the house

[SisterNight]

DH wants us to split. We are joint tenants in a council property. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. I had to leave my part time job 3 years ago on medical grounds due to my health. We have 3 dc. I have no family in the city we live in so would probably have to move back to my parents who live about an hour away. He works from home so is able to do all the school runs etc.

I have no savings or any income. I don't want to leave my children. I need some advice. Please help!

get some advice, you are in a much better position than you think. He is trying to railroad you out.
He will need to pay for your living arrangements etc and that's just the start. Stay in the house and get advice asap

@SisterNight

Now I'm in limbo because he's apparently not sure what to do anymore. FFS.

You're not in limbo! he's probably done some reading and realised he can't chuck you out.

You have had a golden opportunity to see his true colours and chuck HIM out, don't lose it!

if you are too unwell to work then likely you could get PIP, with the right support to do the forms, or at minimum ESA.

plus child benefit

Plus universal income, with child elements. and possibly the extra payment as you cant work. Plus housing benefit and council tax benefit.

Plus you would be able to get maintainance from him for the kids

If you know someone who is a childminder or have a friend who could help with those 2 times a months then that would help, dont rely on him for anything as he will use it as a stuck to beat you.

Bills etc can be paid online or set up as a direct debit, its not difficult.

As a working adult he is certainly in the better position to rent a place himself, as has access to references etc, which you do not.

Agree - email your housing officer - they have a dept that can help you with all of this

And please dont just do what he wants in the idea of things not getting nasty. They have already got nasty and you need to right for yourself and your kids or you will be totally screwed

He's treating you very badly.

If you were to leave, the council would consider you to have made yourself intentionally homeless, which means they don't have to rehouse you. You'll find it very difficult to rent anywhere if you don't have an income and a deposit.

He, however, is in a good position to rent somewhere. I think he's done some research and figured out that if you leave he:

• gets the council house (like gold dust)
• gets you to have to pay child maintenance to him
• gets the child benefit and possibly universal credit child element

Whereas if you stay, you:

• get to keep the council house
• get child maintenance from him
• get child benefit and child element of universal credit
• get housing allowance part of universal credit

The council may be able to assist with getting your children to school if you have a disability

Hi OP,

I’m really sorry to read all of this.

In summary, I understand it as:

Your OH has decided he isn’t happy any more. He doesn’t want to change it, he just wants you out of the house. He won’t leave, and he is telling you you’re a terrible parent and wife and can’t be trusted with the children or financially.

The truth of the matter is, you’re the primary carer from what I’ve read and you’re entitled to benefits to cover all of the bills since you cannot work.

I believe he wants you out because he doesn’t want the cost of privately renting (substantially more than the cost of a council property) because he won’t be entitled to benefits given he is working.

Please do not leave.

Please tell him if he’s so unhappy, he can leave. Then have him removed from the tenancy agreement.

Sending you lots of love. Stay firm x

Do NOT leave the house. He can leave. You will stay and get some form of financial help in benefits to pay rent etc I would imagine. Do not leave the house!

@SisterNight

I'm very upset about the things he's said. Although I was pretty happy before and the kids are happy. Us breaking up would be so stressful for them.

OP I'm so sorry this is happening. He is as others have said - a bully. Imagine if your child told you in yeas to vine their partner was doing this to them, I'm sure you'd advise they get rid.

And I know it feels like this will break your kids but honestly with your love, support and patience they will recover.
Whereas if you choose to stay snd dance to his tune, that will send them very damaging messages about how to treat people and accepting appalling behaviour.

Good luck.

@MrsKoala

I'd tell him that decision has come and gone. Do not trust him.

STOP LISTENING TO HIM. HE DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART. HE HAS AN AGENDA. HE IS NOT YOUR ALLY OR FRIEND ANYMORE.

Every time he speaks hear the above over and over again. There are things in place to help you as PP have all said. Muster up all your strength and fight back. He thinks he's clever but he isn't. Don't think about leaving. Good luck.

This 100%

@Zoinksalot

From your post its difficult to see how you contribute to the running of the family everyday it seems it would be easier for you as a single person to leave if he does school runs etc and can work whilst they're at school... you need professional advice and to see what the easiest way is

Madness!

A SAHM, primary carer to 3 kids should leave the house because a man, who will not be able to be primary carer without quitting his job etc (read OP again, he does school runs when he has to, she does them normally!) says he is more entitled and is threatening the the mother of his kids?!?! That's madness and not at all helpful to OP!

@SisterNight your situation with ill health and the kids and ther issues are EXACTLY why you need to stay in that house.

As others have said, get some legal advice and support, health vistors, GPs, Womens Aid, Shelter, CAB etc etc.

You don't want things to get nasty? Hasn't he already done that -- asking the mother of his children to just leave?

Absolutely do not leave. You have the right to be there.

@Zoinksalot

From your post its difficult to see how you contribute to the running of the family everyday it seems it would be easier for you as a single person to leave if he does school runs etc and can work whilst they're at school... you need professional advice and to see what the easiest way is

Yuck. Ignore stuff like this OP.

Do not leave the house, like others suggested.

@SisterNight are you claiming dla on behalf of your child? Carers allowance?

Kick him out and claim universal credit and pip or get a job? Don't leave he needs to leave

You're in a better position now.

You need to be selfish beyond anything you have ever known before. Take some advice on here. Make copies of all the bank statements, official documents, anything and everything. Don't show your hand to him. Talk to the council yourself, in private. Don't agree to move out, you're the person who should stay with the children. Find out about benefits from DWP - both for scenarios if you are single and if you are not. DO you need to get your health condition assessed for extra benefits? Arrange that. When you do shopping with his card, get some cashback and keep it stashed quietly away, in your bank account or at your mum's. If you have any belongings to sell, get selling them on ebay etc (couriers like hermes will collect from your home, so a trip to the post office doesn't need to happen - and if you need to keep it quiet, get it dispatched from your mum's - and get proceeds paid to your bank account. Make your plans and preparations by yourself to be a single mum, and keep it quiet from him

You stay exactly where you are. This is no longer his choice, tell him your marriage is over. Call tax credits and benefit department to make a single claim. Speak to the council about changing the tenancy agreement to your name and explain you are applying for housing allowance and council tax relief. Check you are receiving disability benefits and if you are entitled to any help for your son.
Do not leave your children. School transportation can be arranged.

Let him take a longer look at what leaving would actually entail for him.

In the meantime start to sort things out for yourself.
Get control of your bank account back.
Understand how the bills are paid and how much they are.
Book an advice session with CAB to make sure you are claiming all the benefits you should be.
Do some research into the finances of being a single parent.
Then when you have done that think about whether you still want to be a relationship and if so what has to change.

As everyone has said, do not leave the house. If he leaves, you can claim UC for housing costs and a personal allowance to live on then you can claim maintenance unless you co-parent. You can claim UC as a sole claimant but would need to state that you have an ‘untidy tenancy’. He is chancing his arm!

Don't know if it has been suggested but you could both stay in the house but be separated or even divorced - with him moving out eventually (?). How big is the house? Could you have your own room? You then would not communicate with him except regarding DC perhaps once a week or so - by appointment and lead separate lives. Some people do this.

This:

STOP LISTENING TO HIM. HE DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART. HE HAS AN AGENDA. HE IS NOT YOUR ALLY OR FRIEND ANYMORE.

Do not leave the house.

Do Not allow him to carry on as before. He has clearly stated your relationship is over. You deserve better than him.

DON'T leave the house. He goes. You have medical need which trumps his wants.

u need a solicitor

@SisterNight

He's not sure if he wants "to be lonely and unhappy in a relationship or be lonely and unhappy on his own"

I'd make that decision for him now and he can be lonely and unhappy on his own whether he bloody likes it or not. Don't stay with him for the sake of the kids. Nobody will be happy in that situation

You would make a claim to universal credit - that would cover your rent.

In my local council they put the tenancy in the women's name so no homeless kids.