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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is not right is it?

144 replies

LittleOldMe124 · 07/06/2021 12:07

I think i just need some perspective on this. This weekend DH went out to meet some friends for drinks. I thought, the way he spun it, it would be for a few hours and would be back early evening. He left me with the kids around 11am. Got in at 2am. Slept in late the Sunday and then woke up and didnt want to do anything with us. He just sat on the sofa watching sport.

Later on, when id gotten back from popping shop, my oldest (teenager) was a bit grumpy over food- didnt want what id bought for tea and didnt like anything else we had (typical teen behaviour). My younger child was winding the older one up so there was tension there and an argument. Anyway, DH starts shouting for us to shut up as he couldnt finish his sports program. I asked him to come and intervene whilst i removed the other child from the situation to calm things down. Anyway, DH flew into a rage shouting and just shut the door.

This isnt a one off. He literally does nothing to calm or understand what the issues are. He just shouts and basically is “like it or lump it” attitude. There is a bad feeling looking gor an argument between him and the oldest and i really dont know why. Makes me feel sad that he has to be like this as the adult here. I feel so unsupported its like having a third child. One thats capable except sits drinking and watching sport all weekend.

Im so pissed off

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/06/2021 12:29

He sounds like another stroppy teenager

What’s he really contributing to your life?

HollowTalk · 07/06/2021 12:30

I never know how people live with this sort of man. What's the bloody point to him?

Cockenspiel · 07/06/2021 12:44

If you don’t do something about it, then you’re basically enabling him to continue being a great big toddler.

Ultimatum time?

Original poster
LittleOldMe124 · 07/06/2021 13:35

@Shoxfordian yes it feels like im his mum at times with questioning his drinking. He tells me to stop being boring (as i barely drink) but honestly its like his life revolves around it! He contributes money i suppose

@HollowTalk im wondering this myself

@Cockenspiel id love a place on my own with the kids. When hes not here, we have fun and it’s relaxed. As soon as he comes home he goes into shouty mode, weve not cleaned up etc. Im scared to leave tho. Im scared of being on my own. Affording stuff (even tho im on a good wage- both work full time). The whole upheaval for the kids and dealing with his moods/crying/shouty

OP posts:
litterbird · 07/06/2021 13:41

Just leave, you will learn to be on your own and when you do its wonderful. You need to remove your children from this toxic environment as soon as you can to protect them from more damage being around this man. You can do this.

Ohyesiam · 07/06/2021 13:53

“ he contributes money I suppose”

He could do that if you divorced him.

Honestly life’s to short, and you deserve way way more.
Imagine living with a grown up who took responsibility for himself, the kids, and even did something nice for you once in a while. It’s not a lot to ask is it?

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 07/06/2021 14:14

I feel angry for you, how awful having a thing like that hanging around your home behaving like that. And in front of children! Get rid of the waste of space. Imagine how incredible it will be to have your own peaceful calm space once he's gone. Start planning!

again2020 · 07/06/2021 14:23

Are you me? Shit isn't it Flowers
I'm a 'stay together for the kid' -er. It's not what I wanted for myself. It's one rule for him and one for me. He is never wrong in his eyes, I'm public enemy number one.
I hope there's more to life. I hope you are stronger than me and can break away sooner.

IsThePopeCatholic · 07/06/2021 14:27

You poor thing, op. I would leave / chuck him out ASAP. Build yourself a lovely new life with your kids.

Castlepeak · 07/06/2021 14:36

Even if the kids end up with him half the time (which sounds unlikely) they will be happier having days of peace when they can.

Original poster
LittleOldMe124 · 07/06/2021 15:19

@litterbird you know im so Independant in most ways, i look after and sort the kids ferrying them round places. He doesnt do any of it. The mental load. I think if i split i wouldnt notice much difference tbh except less agro!

@Ohyesiam would be lovely but thats not likely to happen with him especially as its been going on a long time

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea i have to admit ive been looking up rentals. Ive got the deposit. Were actually inbetween homes at the moment. His mate has lent us his house as hes moved in with his new gf. We sold our house and waiting for something to come up in our area. I do have access to half the equity. Id feel a right cow doing this tho 😫

@again2020 sorry to hear youve got his brother from another mother 🤷🏻‍♀️ All strength to you 😘

@IsThePopeCatholic i fantasise about it 🤞

@Castlepeak and behaviour should improve. He swore in front of the kids, told me to shut up etc yesterday. Then the kids started talking to me like crap too. Its got to change 😑

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleOldMe124 · 13/06/2021 09:21

Ive added up how many units he drinks in a week and im shocked- 70 (and thats a minimum). Thats 4 x440ml cans a day mon- fri and then 6x of these each day sat&sun. Is that normal? I mean gov guidelines is 14 per week for a man but does anyone actually stick to that?

OP posts:
litterbird · 13/06/2021 12:00

"Is that normal?" you ask.....No it is not normal.....you need to leave.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/06/2021 12:09

We sold our house and waiting for something to come up in our area. I do have access to half the equity. Id feel a right cow doing this tho

Why on earth would you feel badly for taking half of your money? Good grief, just read what you've written. You walk on eggshells, you're happier when he's not there, and your husband is a useless, abusive alcoholic. Please don't allow your kids to continue to live in this environment. They've had to do so long enough. Life should not be this miserable.

IamEarthymama · 13/06/2021 12:12

You are in the perfect place to give your children a happier life!

Go on, be brave and look for freedom, fun and happiness

Sending a big Cwtch, you can do this xx

goody2shooz · 13/06/2021 12:17

Your children don’t need that useless excuse for a father, showing them how NOT to speak to/treat their mother. There would be a lot less aggro and you’d all be a lot happier. His behaviour will only get worse as time goes on, and your life - and that of your children - will get more miserable. Bite the bullet and get yourself a rental. It would serve him right, he treats you all like he would never treat a friend, and you wouldn’t take his behaviour from a friend. Why accept this from him?

Pansypotter123 · 13/06/2021 12:26

Im scared of being on my own. Affording stuff (even tho im on a good wage- both work full time).

Further on you say you've sold your house and have half the equity. That's pretty good going - will you be able to afford a mortgage/rent, bills etc on your wage, should he fail to pay maintenance?

And please don't be afraid of being on your own. Being on your own is infinitely more preferable to being unhappy in a relationship. For what it's worth I was left on my own with two young children when my husband dropped down dead..... I survived, and forged a very happy future for myself!

omgthepain · 13/06/2021 12:31

@LittleOldMe124

Why are you with this person???
Ask yourself this

Do yourself a favour and get rid before you waste another minute you deserve better

tornadosequins · 13/06/2021 12:32

You know it is not normal. Your children deserve better.

SummerWhisper · 13/06/2021 12:32

At least have the reassurance of speaking to a divorce solicitor tomorrow. You have nothing to lose. If you stay, you have everything to lose. In whose account is the equity being held? You need to lodge this with the solicitor to make sure it's protected for you, that the full amount is still there and he's not pissing it away. Good luck for a better future for you and your children Flowers

Umberellatheweatha · 13/06/2021 12:33

He told you to shut up infront of your kids? Fs op, get out of there.

Do you want your kids to think that is normal relationship behaviour?

Not only would I leave him I'd make a point of sitting down with my kids and telling them I was leaving because it was not ok for their father to speak that way to you, or to them. They need to know that shit isn't acceptable. And fast by the sounds of it if they are already mimicking him.

FelicityPike · 13/06/2021 12:34

@LittleOldMe124

Ive added up how many units he drinks in a week and im shocked- 70 (and thats a minimum). Thats 4 x440ml cans a day mon- fri and then 6x of these each day sat&sun. Is that normal? I mean gov guidelines is 14 per week for a man but does anyone actually stick to that?
Of course that’s not normal. That’s someone with a problem.
me4real · 13/06/2021 12:34

Of course it's not normal. And even aside from the drinking, he's awful.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 13/06/2021 12:37

Your dc will start to resent you for staying up..
No house to sell is the perfect opportunity to start afresh without him.

Ripley1977 · 13/06/2021 12:41

@Ohyesiam

“ he contributes money I suppose”

He could do that if you divorced him.

Honestly life’s to short, and you deserve way way more.
Imagine living with a grown up who took responsibility for himself, the kids, and even did something nice for you once in a while. It’s not a lot to ask is it?

Yes exactly... you'll probably feel more relieved when hes gone. You might be entitled to Universal Credit plus maintenance Flowersall the best to you, you and the kids deserve to be happy, he just sounds stressful to have around.