This is not right is it?

[LittleOldMe124]

I think i just need some perspective on this. This weekend DH went out to meet some friends for drinks. I thought, the way he spun it, it would be for a few hours and would be back early evening. He left me with the kids around 11am. Got in at 2am. Slept in late the Sunday and then woke up and didnt want to do anything with us. He just sat on the sofa watching sport.

Later on, when id gotten back from popping shop, my oldest (teenager) was a bit grumpy over food- didnt want what id bought for tea and didnt like anything else we had (typical teen behaviour). My younger child was winding the older one up so there was tension there and an argument. Anyway, DH starts shouting for us to shut up as he couldnt finish his sports program. I asked him to come and intervene whilst i removed the other child from the situation to calm things down. Anyway, DH flew into a rage shouting and just shut the door.

This isnt a one off. He literally does nothing to calm or understand what the issues are. He just shouts and basically is “like it or lump it” attitude. There is a bad feeling looking gor an argument between him and the oldest and i really dont know why. Makes me feel sad that he has to be like this as the adult here. I feel so unsupported its like having a third child. One thats capable except sits drinking and watching sport all weekend.

Im so pissed off

Well done for getting this far. What I remember most after I left my husband was the peaceful atmosphere at home. It became somewhere I actually enjoyed coming back to at the end of the day.

@LittleOldMe124

Well done OP ! You've made a good start !

Although I'd not be overly concerned about what he can afford property wise, as I doubt you'll feel comfortable letting him drive the children to his home and trust him to not be drunk while they are with him

You're going to need to consider the kids safety while they are in his sole care

You can now crack on with the next steps in leaving.

Hi everyone thanks for all your advice and support. Ive enquired about a couple of rentals so just waiting to hear back. I confided in a close friend (who didn't seemed at all surprised or shocked but fully supportive). Im also keeping a log (for my own reference on those lonely nights when i waver) so i can refer back to the antics and reasons why x

Well done you! Interesting that your friend wasn’t surprised though.....If you’re needing furniture there are amazing bargains on gumtree, fb marketplace, and charity shops.
You’ll be fine! Things may be a bit difficult for a wee while but a year from now you’ll be in a much better place all round.

Well done for confiding in your friend. I'm so pleased she (?) was supportive

Been to see a lovely cosy rental tonight. Im having a bit of guilt doing all of this behind his back. Im having a few moments of “its not so bad” and “perhaps i should just suck it up for the kids sake”

You can do this OP! I can’t tell you how much lighter you will feel when you’ve gone!

As someone who grew up with an alcoholic father, the best thing you can do for your kids is get them out.
I wish my mum had been as strong as you are.

No need to feel guilty - does he feel guilty/bad/remorseful about leaving everything to you? Going out drinking and then being good for nothing the next day? Picking arguments with the kids? Watching sport all day and being a slug?
Set yourselves free to live a better life, and as you say - reread that list and your posts here when you waver! Stay for the kids? More like , leave for the kids! Good luck 💐

Thank you. I need to make a decision today re the rental and its available from August. It already has a washer, cooker, fridge/freezer which is great. I feel sick when i think about “the conversation” we need to have… is it best to move everything in there first do you think so i can have the conversation and leave. I hate upsetting people

I hate upsetting people ... which is one difference between you and your DH.

Your dc will be so much happier op.
And so will you.

Move your stuff out then it's clear it's a done deal rather than risk falling for his sob story that he'll change etc.

It's normal to feel frightened and anxious to such a change. At the moment you are the frog in boiling water and can't recognise just how bad it is.

Don't waver. You will be doing your kids and yourself the biggest favour by leaving and divorcing him. You're in a strong position financially and I would be willing to bet that the tensions between your DC will diminish enormously when you no longer have him in the house. Life with an alcoholic is immensely stressful for everyone and the relief when they are gone is huge (voice of experience). Keep going with your plans. You're doing great.

On £29k you are absolutely entitled to child benefit - make sure it is in your name as you are likely to be the RP. Also you will be able to get a reduction in your council tax for single adult occupancy.

@Aquamarine1029

We sold our house and waiting for something to come up in our area. I do have access to half the equity. Id feel a right cow doing this tho

Why on earth would you feel badly for taking half of your money? Good grief, just read what you've written. You walk on eggshells, you're happier when he's not there, and your husband is a useless, abusive alcoholic. Please don't allow your kids to continue to live in this environment. They've had to do so long enough. Life should not be this miserable.

First, I endorse this fully.

Stick to your guns, remind yourself of what he's like and what your life is at the moment. Remind yourself of his constant denial of the problem, of his lack of interest in any of you, his grumpiness and his relationship with the children. Remind yourself that you will all be happier after you've separated.

Have you told the children what you intend to do, what that will mean for them. Put a positive spin on it (for instance, you'll get on with your dad better if he's not living with us and so will I. Sometimes you need a break to make things better in the long term.)

Are you going to tell him before you go? How do you think he'll react. It would be normal for him to beg and plead and make promises of change, most men do that but sadly most men don't manage to turn intention into action. Be prepared for that. You can respond to most things with "I'm sorry you feel that but it's not working for me or the children".

Good luck.

Ok so after waivering, ive spoken to my friend in RL (the one mentioned above) and she has been an impartial person helping me to see it from all sides and encouraging me to really think about what it is i want.

I also stumbled across the recent thread on this board asking about whether people regret getting divorced and with so many different stories, its helped me to make my mind up. Life is too short to be unhappy and ive been unhappy for a long time.

Im going for it and have said yes to the estate agents. Its not available for a few weeks so ive time to plan x

Brilliant, awesome, wonderful.
If you ever have any questions or difficult feelings about life with an alcoholic and the emotional difficulties of separating from one, please feel free to PM me - I've been there and will support you.

Thanks so much @pointythings! And indeed everyone else who have commented and offered advice! Eek im really doing this 😬

For a moment there I thought you were going to say you'd decided to stay!

PHEW!!!!

What a fantastic position you're in OP, what a great life you've got to look forward to!

Call solicitor Tomorrow. I left my alcoholic knobend of an ex 2 years ago. Kids didn't need to live like that. He doesn't love you. He is a narcissist. Get away from him and this toxicity.

Haha brilliant, how exciting.

He sounds like a drunken slob, good luck in the move 👍🏻

Completed the forms today for the rental and submitted the holding deposit.

I just feel sick now. Im swinging from wtf am i doing causing all this upset, hes going to be so angry to being really excited!

Its hard keeping up the pretence when i get home with him and when talking to friends….

Well done. Take it a day at a time.

@LittleOldMe124

Well done OP, you have taken the first concrete step towards happiness and freedom !

It's very obvious to those on the outside that in order for you and your DC to be happy, you have to split, but I also know just how scary the leap can be in real life !

Take your problems one at a time, and don't worry about 'future problems', because they will most often never actually happen.

Remember, when you're having any wobbles, it wasn't YOU who was the problem, and it's NOT up to you to make him feel better either !

Well done. Hang in there and make your exit plan. If you are worried about him kicking off when he finds out, remember you can always call the police. It's stressful, but your safety comes first.