This is not right is it?

[LittleOldMe124]

I think i just need some perspective on this. This weekend DH went out to meet some friends for drinks. I thought, the way he spun it, it would be for a few hours and would be back early evening. He left me with the kids around 11am. Got in at 2am. Slept in late the Sunday and then woke up and didnt want to do anything with us. He just sat on the sofa watching sport.

Later on, when id gotten back from popping shop, my oldest (teenager) was a bit grumpy over food- didnt want what id bought for tea and didnt like anything else we had (typical teen behaviour). My younger child was winding the older one up so there was tension there and an argument. Anyway, DH starts shouting for us to shut up as he couldnt finish his sports program. I asked him to come and intervene whilst i removed the other child from the situation to calm things down. Anyway, DH flew into a rage shouting and just shut the door.

This isnt a one off. He literally does nothing to calm or understand what the issues are. He just shouts and basically is “like it or lump it” attitude. There is a bad feeling looking gor an argument between him and the oldest and i really dont know why. Makes me feel sad that he has to be like this as the adult here. I feel so unsupported its like having a third child. One thats capable except sits drinking and watching sport all weekend.

Im so pissed off

Honestly OP, I'd book a day's leave when he's back at work, and mover everything you want to take, then ring him and tell him you've left. I wouldn't tell him you're going before you're out.

The complicating factor is the kids and when to tell them. Hopefully someone who's done it will be along to advise.

Just read all your posts, OP.
Fantastic news on getting things all set up to go.
I agree, don't tell him first - just do it.

That's great news congratulations OP x I know it's been a hard decision but you're doing the right thing...just think of your new peaceful home waiting for you and the kids.
He's got noone to blame but himself

It is not right, because he's proved to be completely self-centered, rude, abusive, and an absent parent in every way.

If I were you I wouldn't tell him where your new place is, either.

You definitely need to make an appointment with a solicitor ASAP.

Good luck, and be very careful when you leave. I agree with the others that it would be best to move when he is not there.

Again, please see a solicitor before you move out!

Be prepared for your children to be angry with both of you, I suppose it matters how old they are how they will react. Mine have been angry but two years on, I think they are beginning to see for themselves exactly why I decided I had to leave.

Talk to your children before he can. My ex handled it very badly and blurted it out to the children in a huff of anger at me before we had had a chance to decide together how best to tell them. Which turned out to be very traumatic for one of them, but was consistent with ex's actions/narcissism throughout the marriage.

Oh god i feel utterly sick to my stomach. Just spoke to the rental agency and ive got a confirmation date to get the keys in a few weeks. Typically its when his parents are bloody visiting us And staying for a week (they live quite a drive away) 🤦🏻‍♀️
Im excited but equally stressed. How is he going to take it? How will the kids react etc etc. I feel an utter cow breaking us up as a family.

I keep asking myself are things that bad to leave? Ive put up with it so long its hard to see clearly

I feel so anxious 😕

How should i handle this. Do i say today that this is my plan. By x date ill be moving out? I need space and im taking the kids? Or should i leave it until ive moved in and drop the bomb and leave? I feel like i should give him some warning but if i do ill have to put up with some tears and horribleness for a few weeks. How to tell the kids? Youngest will be fine- oldest will probably be angry but will come round…help!

I'd just move and then tell him. He doesn't deserve any warning. Telling him in advance means the next few weeks could be really dangerous for you.

I wouldn't give him advance notice as he could be vile and getting very angry etc.

Telling him and going the day before his parents leave means he would have their support tbh and keep his behaviour in check.

Tell him after you have moved all your and kids' stuff to your new place.
You don't have to leave immediately you get the key, if you don't want to.
Decide if it will be better while his parents are there, or after they have left.

This is one of the reasons im resentful- on his days off (currently he is signed off for two weeks following the op) he stays in bed whilst i get up and get the kids out the door for school, making pack ups and getting myself ready. Today, he got up and left before i woke to go and do his hobby for the day!

Don't tell him. Alcoholics are unpredictable.
Keep schtum for the moment.

If it's easier for you, wait until his parents' visit is over before you do anything, but in the meantime there are probably some things you can move to the new home. Passports, important paperwork etc, maybe. Would he notice if you moved some of the kids' stuff? Would he notice if you moved a few clothes? Some of your winter wardrobe perhaps? Kids clothes, older but symbolic toys etc.

You can do this very gradually, just a bit at a time, in the weeks after you get the keys before you actually move in. Having some things already there may also help the children to feel greater connection when they first move in.

Choose your moment for talking to the children carefully.

Excited for you op. I kicked mine out in March . It's nice not having to wake up on a morning never knowing if he will be drunk or sober .

So, not actually convalescing - just lazy and selfish.
Bear that in mind when you wonder if you're doing the right thing, OP.

He's an alcoholic

Have you ever thought that your teenager is showing the same signs of behaviour as your husband? Stroppy, aggressive, giving out opinions all the time, having little respect? This is learned behaviour. Have you tried talking to him? Sometimes as annoying as it is ignoring it is sometimes worth it. Why not try taking the kids out for long walks, take the dog if you have one, go for ice creams, a drink at a pub, water park, for a drive. Catch a random bus somewhere and try to get back home. Find the positives about spending time with the kids which is the most important thing. If he's being an ass and wants to stay at home and miss out on time with his children then so be it. But when you go to sleep at night at least you can think I did my best today. But the short answer to your question is yes I'd be pissed off haha x

Get rid of the notion that you’re ‘breaking up the family’. You are not - HE did that. You are saving yourself and your children. Agree with everyone saying don’t tell him in advance, you’ll get a world of grief about it. He wants to shout and swear and speak contemptuously to you in front of your dc? He does nothing with kids or round the house? He drinks family money away virtually every day? The BEST thing - the only thing- is to see a lawyer, leave and divorce him. Good luck with your lovely peaceful happy new life when it comes!

Really, this man as a role model is doing your kids no favours at all. It may feel bad that you're leaving but it's necessary, and in a few weeks you'll realise the vastly improved atmosphere is worth it. I mean, he's hardly appreciating having a beautiful loving family right now, is he? You're not snatching away something he values. Not like if you took his wine away.

Thanks for your responses. Its so hard keeping all of this to myself in RL.

Today hes ended up going out all day meeting friends for beer garden drinks and rather than one or two, which yet again was led to believe, he went out at 1pm and still not home 🤷🏻‍♀️ 1230am…Yeah no worries mate, ill look after the kids.

Apparently going out all day next Saturday too/overnight with a mate doing their hobby. No, oh would you mind if i…no, it was a case of when im away next weekend with X

Anyway, signing the rental paperwork on Monday and paying the deposit/first months rent etc. It did cross my mind to say something today to him but hes not given me the opportunity. Ivd planned a day out tomorrow with the kids as no doubt he will be hungover 😑

Keep going - and don't even hint to him. It wouldn't go well.

OP please please listen to all the people telling you not to tell him in advance, or in person. I'm really worried that you keep saying you almost told him, like you're trying to find the right time.

It honestly could be very dangerous for you, especially if he goes on a bender and comes home angry and drunk.

If it was me I'd be packing stuff up under the guise of decluttering, and then take them to 'the charity shop' once you have the keys to the new place.

Then last minute, when he's out, move all the rest and you and the kids. Then tell him over the phone that you've gone. Don't tell him the new address right then, as he may turn up drunk and angry.

Another booze-filled weekend. Friends of ours came to stay for a week and even they said about his drinking. I think hes aware something is about to happen. Hes accusing me of “getting it somewhere else” as i wont sleep with him (its not a turn on when someone has that pissed look in their eye and reeks of stale beer) not that i would anyway. Asking within earshot of these friends “who is he” really embarrassing! When ive been out who ive been with as id not seen his text…

@LittleOldMe124 how long til you leave?

@fedup078 3.5 weeks or 24 days