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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is not right is it?

144 replies

LittleOldMe124 · 07/06/2021 12:07

I think i just need some perspective on this. This weekend DH went out to meet some friends for drinks. I thought, the way he spun it, it would be for a few hours and would be back early evening. He left me with the kids around 11am. Got in at 2am. Slept in late the Sunday and then woke up and didnt want to do anything with us. He just sat on the sofa watching sport.

Later on, when id gotten back from popping shop, my oldest (teenager) was a bit grumpy over food- didnt want what id bought for tea and didnt like anything else we had (typical teen behaviour). My younger child was winding the older one up so there was tension there and an argument. Anyway, DH starts shouting for us to shut up as he couldnt finish his sports program. I asked him to come and intervene whilst i removed the other child from the situation to calm things down. Anyway, DH flew into a rage shouting and just shut the door.

This isnt a one off. He literally does nothing to calm or understand what the issues are. He just shouts and basically is “like it or lump it” attitude. There is a bad feeling looking gor an argument between him and the oldest and i really dont know why. Makes me feel sad that he has to be like this as the adult here. I feel so unsupported its like having a third child. One thats capable except sits drinking and watching sport all weekend.

Im so pissed off

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 13/06/2021 13:33

You've said it yourself - life is much better without him.

You cannot change another person, but you do get to choose your life. If you choose to stay, remmber you are making a choice. The other option is still there.

Original poster
LittleOldMe124 · 13/06/2021 21:42

Today he has had 11 cans and he’s just opening the red wine 🤦🏻‍♀️ He’s got work in the morning as well. After doing the majority again this weekend, i know what i have to do… its just, if i raise it, he tells me im going on/theres not a problem/everyone drinks like this and im a bore. How do i get out of this to my own place with the kids. What do i need to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleOldMe124 · 13/06/2021 21:43

*doing the majority of domestic duties eg kids side of things, washing, tidying etc

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 13/06/2021 21:51

Does he drive to work?
I’d phone the police once he sets off and report him for drunk driving.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 13/06/2021 22:00

I reported my exh for drink driving.. No regrets..
Then I filed for divorce..
No regrets.

BaublesAndGlitter · 13/06/2021 22:01

Where is the equity saved? Joint account? His name?
First things first, start thinking about all the documentation you're going to need.
Look at rentals and organise one
Move half the equity into your name (you could spin this as you have looked into it and having so much money in one place is risky etc).
Think about what you'll need for your rental - will you need to take furniture with you? Obviously you can't take everything but I'm sure your dc have things you'll need.
Once this is done, then tell him. Don't ask him how he feels etc - he knows you're not happy and he continues anyway, plus talking to him before you have things in place gives him the opportunity to promise you the world / try and guilt you in to staying / preventing your access to your share of the money.

After this you look at practicalities about moving day etc and telling the children.

CassandraTrotter · 13/06/2021 22:09

I dont understand the attitude staying for the children, when the children are stressed and miserable.

Op, youre in a perfect position right now. Do not buy another house with him. And ffs take more than half as he isnt bloody father of the year. Actually take it all until a court decides

Notagain20 · 13/06/2021 22:09

Don't raise any of it with him, there is no new information to be had from that conversation and you need to let go of the hope that he's going to finally "get it" or change. As wise PP have said just quietly get on with having an appointment with a solicitor, get paperwork copied and together, and keep talking on here for support and practical advice.

You're in a really good position to have a happy life with your kids and to protect them from growing up with a man who is angry and loveless and has a drinking problem. You can totally do this, OP 💪

Welikebeingcosy · 13/06/2021 22:20

I would do what pp's have said with getting half the equity safe into your own account but my main focus would be finding somewhere to rent asap. Even if you went through air BnB for a months lease so that you can be away asap even within the next few days. From there you can find a permanent place to rent. The other stuff like equity and furniture can be sorted out in court later on.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 14/06/2021 12:29

There's nothing more you can say to him. He is in a marriage with alcohol not you. You cannot change that. Have a look at al anon, for families of alcoholics, lots of help and support there.

Get your own bank account he cannot access if you haven't already.
Line up a rental for you and the kids to move into. Move your half of the equity out, or even 60% if you will taking the kids (its not like you can leave them with an alcoholic).

Move out while he is at work and let him know then you have left. You cannot predict how a alcoholic will behave in this situation, he might be ok at first but then he'll get drunk and anything could happen. Which is why you have to be secretive about leaving and protect yourself and your children.

Life with an alcoholic father is terrible and so damaging for children, if you cannot do this for yourself, do it for them.

updownroundandround · 14/06/2021 12:38

OP, you've got a golden opportunity here, to get out from under his shadow and start a new, happier life with your DC !!

As others have said, simply move 50% of equity, savings (all money)into an account of your own which he cannot access. (I doubt he'll even notice tbh)

Organize a rental (short term), and have the date booked with removal guys to do the move.

Then, on the day of the move, (which should be booked for a day he works) you can either have a pre written letter that you simply leave for him to find when he gets home, or you can have a conversation with him when he's at work, telling him you're leaving and why. (He won't be able to get all 'shouty' and 'bullying' when he can be heard by his workmates, so it should be less abusive/upsetting for you to do it then.)

You're not happy.
You've told him this.
He couldn't care less.
He has refused to change his habits/behaviour/drinking at all.
You get no help from him.
He makes your/ your DC's lives harder/more stressful/unhappy.
You already 'daydream' about living without him.

What the hell have you got to lose ?? Hmm

updownroundandround · 14/06/2021 12:43

Actually, if I were you, I'd be taking 3/4 of the money.

You are a family of 4.
3 of you are leaving.
Therefore he gets 1/4 of the money.
You will still be responsible for providing clothes/food/activities/ school uniforms/ school trips/ housing/ utilities etc etc for both DC.

He will shout about his rights, his house, his money etc etc, but you will be the one who will need to find the money for your DC further education/ university fees etc ! (He'll have drank all his money)

Anoisagusaris · 14/06/2021 12:45

We drink more than a lot of people on here but that is a crazy amount of alcohol on a regular basis. Who goes drinking at 11am???
11 cans and then wine on a random Sunday??

thenewduchessofhastings · 14/06/2021 12:50

@LittleOldMe124

Take your half of thé equity and go.You both work full time yet you do all the child rearing,housework,shopping,cooking etc.

At weekends he does what he wants whilst your left with the grunt work.

Now with temporary accommodation and spare equity it's the perfect time to file for divorce.You and your children's lives will be infinitely better.From his behaviour in general/weekends of boozing/doing nothing I'd suggest he won't be fighting you for access either.

You sound lovely and at some point you'll meet someone else.

Sadsiblingatsea · 14/06/2021 13:09

I hope you and your kids will soon leave this horrible abusive man.

Original poster
LittleOldMe124 · 14/06/2021 13:23

Thanks for all your messages. They are spurring me on. I feel a right cow plotting all this behind his back.

I have moved 50% out of the account and into mine. I think 50:50 is fair. I want him to be able to afford a nice enough place of his own for the kids sake when they visit.

I have all my own bank accounts. We've never shared money tbh, i could never trust him and as ive always been the bigger wage earner, i couldn't allow him free reign to blow my cash!!! Tbf now, he does just about match me on wage.

Ive also done my monthly sums on a spreadsheet 🤣 and worked out bills etc. I dont know about benefits, ive never claimed before (on child benefits). Not sure if ill even qualify on £29k a yr

Ive researched rentals on rightmove and just did a drive by on two of them. Im going to just look into private rentals too just so i can make sure im getting the best place for the kids/price.

I asked him this morning if he felt like shit? He said no, felt fine. I said about him drinking 11cans and wine. He seemed shocked i was counting. I hate that i do but i cant help it. He said he didn’t drink that much. I mentioned to be careful driving as he might be over the limit to drive and he just said he hadnt drank loads 🤷🏻‍♀️ What can you do when even in the face of it, they still refuse to listen? No doubt that will be saved and held against me for future drunk arguments 🙄

OP posts:
Welikebeingcosy · 14/06/2021 13:55

There won't be any future drunk arguments when you move out

goody2shooz · 14/06/2021 14:29

Hope he doesn’t drink-drive your children. Perhaps ask yourself why you feel so bad doing this ‘behind his back’...he doesn’t seem to feel bad about wasting family money on booze, treating you with contempt, and making you miserable does he?

1WayOrAnother2 · 14/06/2021 15:05

Wow - this looks so hard for you OP and so unfair.

Do you love him? (Is there anything here worth saving?)

Does he know how much you mind about his drunken behaviour, lack of load-sharing and how appalling his managment of the children is? (Seems obvious to all of us and you - but is it to him?)

I'm not a medic but reading what is on here, it looks as if he is a functioning alcoholic; you aren't going to make him stop drinking by reminding him or counting or threatening or blackmailing or pleading or rewarding. Drinking is something he has to take control of himself AND he has to want to do so.

Perhaps losing you will inspire him... but don't count on it and especially, don't bank on him cleaning up his life-style just because he promises to.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/06/2021 15:10

@goody2shooz

Hope he doesn’t drink-drive your children. Perhaps ask yourself why you feel so bad doing this ‘behind his back’...he doesn’t seem to feel bad about wasting family money on booze, treating you with contempt, and making you miserable does he?
Since he does none of the actual work involved in having children, he probably doesn't drive them drunk. He does drive near other people's children drunk though.
MustardRose · 14/06/2021 15:13

Wishing you all the very best. Take the plunge - you won't regret it.

Fnib · 14/06/2021 15:17

Also wishing you all the best Flowers

Annasgirl · 14/06/2021 15:24

Hí OP,

Just came on to say well done. You can do this. As the adult child of an alcoholic I really wish my DM had left. You can do this. You are financially independent and your life and your children’s lives will be 1000% better when he is no longer part of it.

No one who grew up with an alcoholic father ever comes into these threads and says ‘I wish my mum stayed with my dad’.

RandomMess · 14/06/2021 15:30

Well done could you afford a shared ownership property where you buy a chunk with the money then rent the rest??

You will be so much happier without him.

Sadsiblingatsea · 14/06/2021 16:11

I cannot get over the unfairness of you bringing in half the income and doing ALL the domestic and childcare work. It’s medieval! Thank god you are leaving. You’re life will be so much easier!