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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is not right is it?

144 replies

LittleOldMe124 · 07/06/2021 12:07

I think i just need some perspective on this. This weekend DH went out to meet some friends for drinks. I thought, the way he spun it, it would be for a few hours and would be back early evening. He left me with the kids around 11am. Got in at 2am. Slept in late the Sunday and then woke up and didnt want to do anything with us. He just sat on the sofa watching sport.

Later on, when id gotten back from popping shop, my oldest (teenager) was a bit grumpy over food- didnt want what id bought for tea and didnt like anything else we had (typical teen behaviour). My younger child was winding the older one up so there was tension there and an argument. Anyway, DH starts shouting for us to shut up as he couldnt finish his sports program. I asked him to come and intervene whilst i removed the other child from the situation to calm things down. Anyway, DH flew into a rage shouting and just shut the door.

This isnt a one off. He literally does nothing to calm or understand what the issues are. He just shouts and basically is “like it or lump it” attitude. There is a bad feeling looking gor an argument between him and the oldest and i really dont know why. Makes me feel sad that he has to be like this as the adult here. I feel so unsupported its like having a third child. One thats capable except sits drinking and watching sport all weekend.

Im so pissed off

OP posts:
Jux · 25/06/2021 10:51

Well done, LittleOldMe ⭐️

stayathomegardener · 25/06/2021 11:35

Well done!
It won't be a popular opinion but you can choose to evaluate if you stay married from your rental property.

I suspect you won't want to go back but it's comforting to know you tried everything and may soften the blow when you tell him.

Weenurse · 27/06/2021 02:04

How exciting and nerve racking.
Good luck 💐

Cherrysoup · 27/06/2021 13:10

You won’t regret this. I really think you need to tackle him re drink driving the morning after. He certainly shouldn’t be conveying the dc after a heavy night on the booze.

Original poster
LittleOldMe124 · 05/07/2021 09:52

Hello, ive submitted my application for the rental. Its just going through references procedure and their checks. Its not available until the end Aug.

Anyway, just ranting… yesterday he went out all day doing his hobby, we had a conversation on the morning where i made a comment about not buying a house together and ive been soul searching etc (completely caught me off guard and wasnt sure what to say). He went off to do his hobby. Later comes home and immediately puts on the sport he had recorded and cracks a can. Five cans later, he is in a right strop (ive been sleeping in with my LO sharing a bed since we moved here). He was asking Why dont i want to share a bed with him etc etc banging around whilst im trying to get the kids to bed, hes raising his voice and swearing and telling the kids i want to leave and live with them without him etc 🙈 Ive not told him about the rental btw. Hes completely back to normal this morning like last night didnt happen..😩

OP posts:
Jux · 05/07/2021 12:37

Be extra careful now.

Have you rung women's aid? They can give you rl support and advice on how to maintain your safety and your children's in this intervening period.

Good luck, LittleOldMe, this is very exciting!

Original poster
LittleOldMe124 · 05/07/2021 13:50

@Jux i dont think he would do anything silly. Its just words and anger especially when drinking that i have to endure for the next few weeks. Annoys me that he swears and shouts in front of the kids, even when i tell him to stop. In fact it annoys me that he was out all day doing his hobby and came home to drink and not help with the kids. I dont feel like ive had the proper conversation yet. Im still waiting for the final ok from the reference agency for letting so i dont want to tempt fate (not sure why it would be declined but i dont like to get my hopes up just incase)

OP posts:
mrsh1807 · 05/07/2021 14:04

Sounds similar in some ways to my life with my ex husband. He drank heavily and was always in the pub/watching sport. Depending on the result his mood would either be vile or jubilant. Either mood was unbearable.

I left 4 years ago and it was the best decision I made. You can do it. Waking up in your own house without him and with your kids away from his moods and behaviour - it was the best feeling ever!!

No regrets 😊

RandomMess · 05/07/2021 19:04

He actually sounds like he's drink dependent.

Utterly vile for you to live with.

Jux · 05/07/2021 20:00

Just remember he's an adult; you are not responsible for his happiness or his behaviour. You are not in a position (and probably are not qualified nor experienced enough) to turn him into a positive model for your children.

You are responsible for yourself, and for your children. You are doing the right thing to help them grow into balanced and healthy adults and for you to live a happy life. Chin up, think positive - I know it's scary but you can do it. You are strong.

nailsathome · 08/07/2021 08:53

@Jux

Just remember he's an adult; you are not responsible for his happiness or his behaviour. You are not in a position (and probably are not qualified nor experienced enough) to turn him into a positive model for your children.

You are responsible for yourself, and for your children. You are doing the right thing to help them grow into balanced and healthy adults and for you to live a happy life. Chin up, think positive - I know it's scary but you can do it. You are strong.

Totally this. It's what I kept telling myself when I left my ex.

When do you get your keys to your new home and new wonderful life?

Bridezillamaybe · 08/07/2021 09:13

OP, you are my hero! You can do it, just hold firm. Your new house is going to be relaxed, happy and loving. It's sad about your soon to be ex but honestly he will be fine.

Original poster
LittleOldMe124 · 08/07/2021 16:27

Thank you! Smile
You are all keeping me going. Still no word from the agency. Ill have to follow up next week but kinda worried they are going to ask for a guarentor given im taking it on with a single income. I have no one to really ask… could give them extra deposit tho- would that be acceptable?

Last night he predictably drank 6 cans. Hes off work atm due to surgery. What really annoyed is that even tho hes off work this week, he didnt get up to help me with the kids in the mornings to get to school, one of which was going on a school trip overnight today. He could have at least got up to make some breakfast for them. I do everything myself so nothing is going to change for me!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleOldMe124 · 08/07/2021 16:28

Sorry just to add- off work isolating before surgery at the weekend

OP posts:
PearlNextDoor · 08/07/2021 16:37

Hope it all falls in to place @LittleOldMe124 xx

WeatherSystems · 08/07/2021 17:36

@LittleOldMe124

Ive added up how many units he drinks in a week and im shocked- 70 (and thats a minimum). Thats 4 x440ml cans a day mon- fri and then 6x of these each day sat&sun. Is that normal? I mean gov guidelines is 14 per week for a man but does anyone actually stick to that?
Yes. Lots of men and women drink under the guidance amount. Many don’t drink.
AmberIsACertainty · 08/07/2021 23:07

If you need a guarantor and don't have one then offer your larger deposit, it's upto the landlord what they'll accept. If that's not enough and you can scrape it together (0% credit card?) offer 6 months rent up front. Some landlords still wouldn't be interested but plenty would be. Whether your income is enough totally depends on their criteria, which can differ depending on the area you live in. I've had landlords want a household income of 3x the monthly rent. I've had landlords who just wanted to see household income sufficient that I could afford the rent plus bills/food. I've had landlords accept 6 months rent up front. I've had ones who won't and insist on a guarantor. I've had landlords turn down a wealthy relative as guarantor based on nothing more than the fact the person is retired. If you find you're being repeatedly turned down for insufficient income, get the 6 months rent together and have a chat with the lettings agents about your plans to improve your situation and ask them to show you any properties belonging to landlords likely to accept the upfront payment. They know their landlords and if they get to know you they can reassure them that you're unlikely to pay for the first 6 months then squat while you're evicted for 6 months. Its likely that after the initial period you'd be able to pay monthly, but have a plan in place to save up for the next 6 months rent in case you need it.

Original poster
LittleOldMe124 · 11/07/2021 23:43

Sorry just logging this for future reference. Had a rubbish end to today. He Started drinking at 5pm and still at it now. 5 to 6 cans and half bottle of wine. Shouting and swearing at the football “you prick” “for fucks sake” wanker wrist action at the telly telling me to shut up when asking for him to stop this in front of the young teenager. Told me to go away to another room if i dont like it etc.

He is still healing from a small op 48 hrs ago (had a general anaesthetic). He told me he felt like shit but drank 3 cans yesterday. i really dont think drinking like this could help recovery 🤷🏻‍♀️ Is it odd for him to be drinking like this after an op?

OP posts:
AndeanMountainCat · 11/07/2021 23:56

Who cares? You’re leaving!!! Good for you, I hope it all goes to plan.

Original poster
LittleOldMe124 · 12/07/2021 07:40

You are right. Im still swinging from am i doing the right thing to i know i am. You do question yourself!

OP posts:
PearlNextDoor · 12/07/2021 07:49

Yeh let him drink himself towards the gutter fsster if that"s what he is determined to choose.

xoJellybean · 12/07/2021 07:51

Hope you hear from the agency soon and you can for real get out of there 🤞🏻

Nanny0gg · 12/07/2021 15:01

@LittleOldMe124

Today he has had 11 cans and he’s just opening the red wine 🤦🏻‍♀️ He’s got work in the morning as well. After doing the majority again this weekend, i know what i have to do… its just, if i raise it, he tells me im going on/theres not a problem/everyone drinks like this and im a bore. How do i get out of this to my own place with the kids. What do i need to do?
Does he drive??
Nanny0gg · 12/07/2021 15:02

@LittleOldMe124

Sorry just logging this for future reference. Had a rubbish end to today. He Started drinking at 5pm and still at it now. 5 to 6 cans and half bottle of wine. Shouting and swearing at the football “you prick” “for fucks sake” wanker wrist action at the telly telling me to shut up when asking for him to stop this in front of the young teenager. Told me to go away to another room if i dont like it etc.

He is still healing from a small op 48 hrs ago (had a general anaesthetic). He told me he felt like shit but drank 3 cans yesterday. i really dont think drinking like this could help recovery 🤷🏻‍♀️ Is it odd for him to be drinking like this after an op?

He's either dependant or an alcoholic.

Either way, not your problem.

Original poster
LittleOldMe124 · 12/07/2021 15:29

The estate agents have just called. My credit and work references are fine and the place is ready a little earlier than planned. I feel sick.

I spoke to him about yesterday and that it wasnt on and he just dismissed it and said he can talk how he wants and i cant shield the young teenager from that all his life. No i cant but i dont want him to see that at home…

I just feel scared about next steps, how to tell him, when to tell him etc…its going to be difficult…can i just fast forward three months 😩

OP posts: